5 ms·

I've teetered on the brink of homelessness for a few years now due to very poor life choices and an overbearing legal systems that convicted me, for all practic

by cubano 12y ago

I've teetered on the brink of homelessness for a few years now due to very poor life choices and an overbearing legal systems that convicted me, for all practical purposes, for the act of doing drugs in private. I am firmly convinced that homelessness and living that life of rejecting convention has to do with deep-seated emotional scarring that should be much more akin to brain damage than a failure of "will power" (whatever that really means in a neuroscience way) Cutting edge NS research[0] is proving again and again that we simply do not make decisions the way we all (most?) want to believe we do, in a rational and self-interested way. This research has deep implications for all sorts of anti-social behaviours, and, especially for me at least, addiction. I feel this hard emotional tug to escape into oblivion almost every-time I see others so easily create emotionally and sexually meaningful relationships, where I seem to fail at it miserably and have for my whole life. Recently, I commented upon an Autism post where some of the symptoms of this disease (the inability to create and/or maintain social connections) shocked me to the point of tears, and have been pondering the connections between addiction and it ever since. We can talk about habits and chances and everything, but if a person is just tired of hurting internally and has the choice between another night of lonely pain and escape, I'm hard pressed to blame them for escaping. But hey, that's just me. [0] http://www.kavlifoundation.org/science-spotlights/neuroscience-of-decision-making http://www.kavlifoundation.org/science-spotlights/neuroscien...

blub 12y ago
I think it's hard for a lot of people to create emotionally and sexually meaningful relationships. Unless you've had out of the ordinary incidents like being slapped, punched and so on, it's probably a lack of opportunities combined with some bad luck and maybe a lack of understanding how relationships can be "hacked" a bit to help them along. My theory is that the way we form relationships is a combination of innate ability (1) and learned behaviour (2). (1) is common to each human and includes things such as interpreting facial expressions, sense of touch, etc, even though I agree that conditions such as autism can have a significant negative impact here. Still, you said you are failing, which means you are trying and you do express a desire to succeed, so I am guessing that this is not what's preventing you from succeeding, but rather it's something related to your beliefs and behaviours. Which leads me to... (2) this behaviour is normally learned as we grow up, as a combination of advice from parents, your social circle and simply experimenting. But if one has an unusual childhood, parents that teach them "wrong" things, is e.g. bullied or simply has bad luck, they might end up either not knowing what to do to form a romantic relationship or even doing the opposite of what they should do. In which case they have to learn by themselves. Now I don't know the particulars of your situation, but have you read available literature about how human sexuality and relationships work? e.g: Pittman's Man Enough, Miller's Mating Mind, Meston's Why Women Have Sex. This might be a starting point in better understanding what's happening and why you find things difficult.
- cubano 12y ago
  I think my real issues are significantly different from what you may think they are. I've read many behavior and relationship books over the years in my quest to improve my life, but in the end, I seem to be unable to make those "hacks" work in my life. I've had all the opportunity I could really ever hope for. I was very athletic and popular way, way back in high school, played in a relatively successful rock band for a decade after that, and have a great sense of humor. I am tall (6'3"), dark, but not very handsome :) Put simply, at a core level, I don't really trust anyone, which turns out to be a nasty self-enforcing attitude. My earliest childhood memory is of being abandoned, by my Mom, at her sister's house for months and being kept alone, stuck in crib and unattended for most of that time. I had no idea what was happening and vaguely remember crying until exhaustion day after day, wondering where my Mom was and why she was doing this to me. I am, personally, 100% convinced that this event, in MY case, led me to my lifelong struggles with relationships and addiction, and that the trauma caused by it created physical damage in the neuronic wiring of my brain. The odd part is, it wasn't until my Mom talked to me about it a few years before her passing that I was even able to remember it, but when she did it all came back to me; the room, the crib, her scary and unloving sister, my despair. And listen, I am not trying to turn this into some sort of psycho-babble nonsense...I so very much appreciate your caring words and in no way am I trying to disrespect them or you.
  - blub 12y ago
    I see, I was making some assumptions that turned out to be incorrect. To be honest, I also find it difficult to really trust someone, because there are so many things that can go wrong. I don't know any method of getting over this, I try to accept that I can be betrayed and that it's going to be painful. At the same time, I am pretty sure that I would survive and come out ok out of such a hurtful event. Not necessarily stronger, better or even the same, but ok. But there are no certainties and no methods to make oneself invulnerable. At one point we maybe have to accept our humanity, that we hurt, we bleed and we die and sometimes we can't do anything to prevent those things, so we might as well enjoy life as we can.

by cubano 12y ago

blub 12y ago

I think it's hard for a lot of people to create emotionally and sexually meaningful relationships. Unless you've had out of the ordinary incidents like being slapped, punched and so on, it's probably a lack of opportunities combined with some bad luck and maybe a lack of understanding how relationships can be "hacked" a bit to help them along. My theory is that the way we form relationships is a combination of innate ability (1) and learned behaviour (2). (1) is common to each human and includes things such as interpreting facial expressions, sense of touch, etc, even though I agree that conditions such as autism can have a significant negative impact here. Still, you said you are failing, which means you are trying and you do express a desire to succeed, so I am guessing that this is not what's preventing you from succeeding, but rather it's something related to your beliefs and behaviours. Which leads me to... (2) this behaviour is normally learned as we grow up, as a combination of advice from parents, your social circle and simply experimenting. But if one has an unusual childhood, parents that teach them "wrong" things, is e.g. bullied or simply has bad luck, they might end up either not knowing what to do to form a romantic relationship or even doing the opposite of what they should do. In which case they have to learn by themselves. Now I don't know the particulars of your situation, but have you read available literature about how human sexuality and relationships work? e.g: Pittman's Man Enough, Miller's Mating Mind, Meston's Why Women Have Sex. This might be a starting point in better understanding what's happening and why you find things difficult.

cubano 12y ago
I think my real issues are significantly different from what you may think they are. I've read many behavior and relationship books over the years in my quest to improve my life, but in the end, I seem to be unable to make those "hacks" work in my life. I've had all the opportunity I could really ever hope for. I was very athletic and popular way, way back in high school, played in a relatively successful rock band for a decade after that, and have a great sense of humor. I am tall (6'3"), dark, but not very handsome :) Put simply, at a core level, I don't really trust anyone, which turns out to be a nasty self-enforcing attitude. My earliest childhood memory is of being abandoned, by my Mom, at her sister's house for months and being kept alone, stuck in crib and unattended for most of that time. I had no idea what was happening and vaguely remember crying until exhaustion day after day, wondering where my Mom was and why she was doing this to me. I am, personally, 100% convinced that this event, in MY case, led me to my lifelong struggles with relationships and addiction, and that the trauma caused by it created physical damage in the neuronic wiring of my brain. The odd part is, it wasn't until my Mom talked to me about it a few years before her passing that I was even able to remember it, but when she did it all came back to me; the room, the crib, her scary and unloving sister, my despair. And listen, I am not trying to turn this into some sort of psycho-babble nonsense...I so very much appreciate your caring words and in no way am I trying to disrespect them or you.
- blub 12y ago
  I see, I was making some assumptions that turned out to be incorrect. To be honest, I also find it difficult to really trust someone, because there are so many things that can go wrong. I don't know any method of getting over this, I try to accept that I can be betrayed and that it's going to be painful. At the same time, I am pretty sure that I would survive and come out ok out of such a hurtful event. Not necessarily stronger, better or even the same, but ok. But there are no certainties and no methods to make oneself invulnerable. At one point we maybe have to accept our humanity, that we hurt, we bleed and we die and sometimes we can't do anything to prevent those things, so we might as well enjoy life as we can.