6 ms·

This has been a huge topic of conversation for my wife and I for the past few years. Our entire social circle is the exact target demographic: early thirties, h

This has been a huge topic of conversation for my wife and I for the past few years. Our entire social circle is the exact target demographic: early thirties, highly educated, career focused, etc etc. We got married earlier than nearly all our friends (age 28). We've had two kids before most of our friends are married. Our friends are now closing in on 35 and now thinking about how to have a family is becoming a serious concern. We were a generation raised being told consistently that a woman should be career focused, pursue as much education as possible, and that you don't have to ever worry about finding a partner and having kids until you're ready. And now we have friends freezing eggs, considering how to start a family without a partner while they can still easily have kids, etc. It just feels like the pendulum has swung too far in terms of my generation's expectations (or maybe naiveté). You can't change biology. It will be interesting to see what kind of advice I give my daughter when she's an adult, but I'm hoping her generation has a bit more of a middle-ground approach to thinking about the balance between career and starting a family.

rayiner 12y ago
If you want to get married and have kids, you should just do it. My wife and I had our daughter while we she was still in law school and I had just graduated. Taking care of a kid is a lot of work while both working long hours at big firms, but why that's what grandparents are for. There is no good time to be sleep deprived for months doing night feedings. At least in your 20's you have the energy and your parents are young enough to help out!
- madengr 12y ago
  No, that's not what grandparents are for.
  - wernercd 12y ago
    No... that IS what they are for. But really, that's what any family is for - not just grandparents.
    - palmer_eldritch 12y ago
      Yes but see, it's more and more common for people of our generation to live far away from their parents or any family.
      - Amezarak 12y ago
        Maybe, like waiting too late to have kids, that's something we as a society should rethink.
      - colomon 12y ago
        When our little boy was 20 months old, we moved 2 hours' drive north to be in the same town as my wife's parents. This is probably the single smartest thing we have done in our marriage.
    - zaccus 12y ago
      Grandparents/other family might not want to take care of your kids every day while you're at work, which is understandable.
- sehutson 12y ago
  "If you want to get married and have kids, you should just do it." Most of the women I know who are considering egg freezing would LOVE to "just do it". Not everyone is fortunate enough to meet the right person (who is also willing to commit and settle down) early on.
- M8 12y ago
  "that's what grandparents are for" Yeah, luckily they are guaranteed to be alive in your twenties.
  - liotier 12y ago
    > Yeah, luckily they are guaranteed to be alive in your twenties. And guaranteed to live in the same city. And guaranteed not to be busy with other pursuits. Of course !
- greggman 12y ago
  Nice you had family near by at the time. I know plenty of couples that are near none of either of their families. Sometimes they moved, sometimes their families moved, some times their families are no longer around
toomuchtodo 12y ago
I don't disagree with most of your post, except this part: "You can't change biology." We can already 3D print organs, rewrite DNS using viruses, and just today discovered we can reverse Alzheimer's almost entirely using ultrasound within the brain. It is dangerously naive for us to think we cannot change our own biology. It's simply a matter of time and resources.
- scintill76 12y ago
  OK, but the original implied point still stands IMO: If you're a woman (or man, really) who might ever want to have kids, you probably shouldn't count on being able to reliably and affordably control that biology in your lifetime. And yes, that applies to your "all-natural" chances, too, which probably means it's good to adjust your expectations and "societal norms" as the article says. P.S. Considering the forum, I got a chuckle out of "rewrite DNS using viruses" -- I assume it's supposed to say DNA.
  - toomuchtodo 12y ago
    > P.S. Considering the forum, I got a chuckle out of "rewrite DNS using viruses" -- I assume it's supposed to say DNA. Damn it, I mistyped :) Yeah, DNA. Curse you HN and your short lived edit/delete window!
  - darklajid 12y ago
    (no idea where the GP comes from, but 'DNS' would be the localized version here. The D/N parts are the same, but Acid is often localized and .. turns to S)
    - EvaK_de 12y ago
      It is called DNS in German, with the S standing for "Säure" (acid).
  - rossta 12y ago
    For a second there, I was seriously questioning my understanding DNS.
deleted 12y ago
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greendestiny 12y ago
The previous generation experienced massive pressure not to return to the workforce after having children, so it makes sense that the pendulum would swing to having career success before children. Hopefully the future actually involves flexibility about career/job breaks required for having children as well as the care situation afterwards. The biology of the situation doesn't just relate to fertility though, life spans have an impact on the probability of seeing your children and grandchildren reach certain ages.
deleted 12y ago
[deleted]
zaccus 12y ago
Family and career both require massive amounts of time and energy. It should be acknowledged that there is no way to fully commit to one without taking away from the other. So you'll have to make a difficult choice.

rayiner 12y ago

If you want to get married and have kids, you should just do it. My wife and I had our daughter while we she was still in law school and I had just graduated. Taking care of a kid is a lot of work while both working long hours at big firms, but why that's what grandparents are for. There is no good time to be sleep deprived for months doing night feedings. At least in your 20's you have the energy and your parents are young enough to help out!

madengr 12y ago
No, that's not what grandparents are for.
- wernercd 12y ago
  No... that IS what they are for. But really, that's what any family is for - not just grandparents.
  - palmer_eldritch 12y ago
    Yes but see, it's more and more common for people of our generation to live far away from their parents or any family.
    - Amezarak 12y ago
      Maybe, like waiting too late to have kids, that's something we as a society should rethink.
    - colomon 12y ago
      When our little boy was 20 months old, we moved 2 hours' drive north to be in the same town as my wife's parents. This is probably the single smartest thing we have done in our marriage.
  - zaccus 12y ago
    Grandparents/other family might not want to take care of your kids every day while you're at work, which is understandable.
sehutson 12y ago
"If you want to get married and have kids, you should just do it." Most of the women I know who are considering egg freezing would LOVE to "just do it". Not everyone is fortunate enough to meet the right person (who is also willing to commit and settle down) early on.
M8 12y ago
"that's what grandparents are for" Yeah, luckily they are guaranteed to be alive in your twenties.
- liotier 12y ago
  > Yeah, luckily they are guaranteed to be alive in your twenties. And guaranteed to live in the same city. And guaranteed not to be busy with other pursuits. Of course !
greggman 12y ago
Nice you had family near by at the time. I know plenty of couples that are near none of either of their families. Sometimes they moved, sometimes their families moved, some times their families are no longer around

toomuchtodo 12y ago

I don't disagree with most of your post, except this part: "You can't change biology." We can already 3D print organs, rewrite DNS using viruses, and just today discovered we can reverse Alzheimer's almost entirely using ultrasound within the brain. It is dangerously naive for us to think we cannot change our own biology. It's simply a matter of time and resources.

scintill76 12y ago
OK, but the original implied point still stands IMO: If you're a woman (or man, really) who might ever want to have kids, you probably shouldn't count on being able to reliably and affordably control that biology in your lifetime. And yes, that applies to your "all-natural" chances, too, which probably means it's good to adjust your expectations and "societal norms" as the article says. P.S. Considering the forum, I got a chuckle out of "rewrite DNS using viruses" -- I assume it's supposed to say DNA.
- toomuchtodo 12y ago
  > P.S. Considering the forum, I got a chuckle out of "rewrite DNS using viruses" -- I assume it's supposed to say DNA. Damn it, I mistyped :) Yeah, DNA. Curse you HN and your short lived edit/delete window!
- darklajid 12y ago
  (no idea where the GP comes from, but 'DNS' would be the localized version here. The D/N parts are the same, but Acid is often localized and .. turns to S)
  - EvaK_de 12y ago
    It is called DNS in German, with the S standing for "Säure" (acid).
- rossta 12y ago
  For a second there, I was seriously questioning my understanding DNS.

deleted 12y ago

[deleted]

greendestiny 12y ago

The previous generation experienced massive pressure not to return to the workforce after having children, so it makes sense that the pendulum would swing to having career success before children. Hopefully the future actually involves flexibility about career/job breaks required for having children as well as the care situation afterwards. The biology of the situation doesn't just relate to fertility though, life spans have an impact on the probability of seeing your children and grandchildren reach certain ages.

deleted 12y ago

[deleted]

zaccus 12y ago

Family and career both require massive amounts of time and energy. It should be acknowledged that there is no way to fully commit to one without taking away from the other. So you'll have to make a difficult choice.