5 ms·

"Are you out of your mind???" ;) But in all seriousness, projecting issues as character flaws is a really destructive thing to do, not just in programming but

by mhomde 12y ago

"Are you out of your mind???" ;) But in all seriousness, projecting issues as character flaws is a really destructive thing to do, not just in programming but in any relationship. It's a really good habit to avoid it whenever possible. I read somewhere (I think it was Blink) that marriage counselors could tell which marriages would fail by observing those that generalized around their spouses character rather arguing about the issues, ie "You always..."

mwfunk 12y ago
Siracusa said something similar on Accidental Tech Podcast a while back, and it really struck me because it made me look back on every argument I've ever had in a different light. He said he always phrased disagreements in such a way as to leave the person he was disagreeing with out of it. In general, always voice disagreement as "the thing you said is wrong" rather than "you're wrong". The former is about the point of disagreement, the latter is about the person. It's not even about being diplomatic or being less likely to hurt someone's feelings (although you get that for free), it's really just about clarity as to what's being discussed. The most confident, secure person in the world might still get defensive when confronted with "you're wrong", because there's still a whiff of it being about questioning that person's credibility, as opposed to the thing that you think they're wrong about.
- mhomde 12y ago
  That's very true! I've found that the key to having a constructive argument is always doing your best not to hurt their ego, assign blame or back them into a corner where they'll lose face (always leave an out). Otherwise they'll slip into "defensive mode". That together with the old chestnut "seek first to understand then to be understood" to ensure that you respect and understands their position are real game changers. Its funny and scary how important these kind of social and interpersonal skills are working in any corporation. Yet often are lacking and leads to a lot of unnecessary friction. It's something I almost wished was taught in schools, if only so they could recognize the patterns later when they go into working life.
bottled_poe 12y ago
I read somewhere that counselors who generalize relationships were least likely to be helpful.
- mhomde 12y ago
  I was curious about what I read in Blink so I looked it up and it seems to be a bit of the usual Gladwell hyperbole even if it was based in some kind of studies. Needless to say marriages probably can't be simplified that much but it still is a pretty good general rule http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2010/03/can_you_really_predict_the_success_of_a_marriage_in_15_minutes.2.html http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2010/03/can_y...

by mhomde 12y ago

mwfunk 12y ago

Siracusa said something similar on Accidental Tech Podcast a while back, and it really struck me because it made me look back on every argument I've ever had in a different light. He said he always phrased disagreements in such a way as to leave the person he was disagreeing with out of it. In general, always voice disagreement as "the thing you said is wrong" rather than "you're wrong". The former is about the point of disagreement, the latter is about the person. It's not even about being diplomatic or being less likely to hurt someone's feelings (although you get that for free), it's really just about clarity as to what's being discussed. The most confident, secure person in the world might still get defensive when confronted with "you're wrong", because there's still a whiff of it being about questioning that person's credibility, as opposed to the thing that you think they're wrong about.

mhomde 12y ago
That's very true! I've found that the key to having a constructive argument is always doing your best not to hurt their ego, assign blame or back them into a corner where they'll lose face (always leave an out). Otherwise they'll slip into "defensive mode". That together with the old chestnut "seek first to understand then to be understood" to ensure that you respect and understands their position are real game changers. Its funny and scary how important these kind of social and interpersonal skills are working in any corporation. Yet often are lacking and leads to a lot of unnecessary friction. It's something I almost wished was taught in schools, if only so they could recognize the patterns later when they go into working life.

bottled_poe 12y ago

I read somewhere that counselors who generalize relationships were least likely to be helpful.

mhomde 12y ago
I was curious about what I read in Blink so I looked it up and it seems to be a bit of the usual Gladwell hyperbole even if it was based in some kind of studies. Needless to say marriages probably can't be simplified that much but it still is a pretty good general rule http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2010/03/can_you_really_predict_the_success_of_a_marriage_in_15_minutes.2.html http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2010/03/can_y...