6 ms·

I was talking to one of my best friends who also happens to be a coworker the other day, and I said "Hey, if you're ever a victim of sexual harassment, what can

I was talking to one of my best friends who also happens to be a coworker the other day, and I said "Hey, if you're ever a victim of sexual harassment, what can I do to make you feel comfortable with coming to me so that I can attempt to help?" She said "Nothing, really. The problem is that most harassment isn't blatant, it is hidden and not obvious. It's like a feeling that you get from someone. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been in where the person on the other side of the table is regularly looking at my boobs. What am i supposed to do about that?" So my follow-up question to OP's is: what is she supposed to do about that? I'm a hetero white male manager. And I have no idea how to answer that question.

deleted 12y ago
[deleted]
macho_pikachu 12y ago
Networking is the most straightforward answer there. Every time you make a new hire let her know first. Let her know that you understand that feeling isolated in the workplace can happen for a lot of reasons, but if you are of a legally protected status there are steps as her manager you can take to alleviate that. Give preference to candidates she recommends and feels comfortable with.
- macho_pikachu 12y ago
  I'm not sure why I'm being down voted here? Maybe it was my phrasing but here is a much better articulated and nuanced explanation of my argument over at medium: https://medium.com/message/no-nate-brogrammers-may-not-be-macho-but-thats-not-all-there-is-to-it-2f1fe84c5c9b https://medium.com/message/no-nate-brogrammers-may-not-be-ma... I would further posit that the norms of tech culture that isolate some and include others and this culture as it intersects with hiring is basically just a way to normalize, refine, and study turnover in tech business by managers and CEOs. I remember when I had my, "a-ha!" moment working at a coffee shop in highschool. "why?" I thought, "would my employer show a blatant disregard for sexual harassment, sexist hiring policies, hazing, poor scheduling, and offer few benefits that attract long term employment?" Because turnover is good for business. Lower salaries make coffee shop margins possible and fresh faces bring more customers.
trhway 12y ago
>I can't tell you how many meetings I've been in where the person on the other side of the table is regularly looking at my boobs. in a 3D Euclidean space where do the person is supposed to be looking at? Staring all the time down into the table? Up into the ceiling? Close the eyes every time while moving eyes from ceiling to the table? I'm asking just out of curiousity as personally i just stare either into ceiling or into laptop and whatever happens / whoever present at the meeting - i'm not here :)
- mvarner 12y ago
  I mean, there's a difference between looking at someone because they're talking or you're engaging in the meeting with them and staring directly at their boobs. I've been in situations where people are obviously gawping at me and it's incredibly uncomfortable and it's a much, much different experience than when they're idly looking around a conference room because they're bored.
  - trhway 12y ago
    > I've been in situations where people are obviously gawping at me and it's incredibly uncomfortable and it's a much, much different experience than when they're idly looking around a conference room because they're bored. it is your internal interpretation. It may be true or may be not. The point here is that actions - specifically eyes movements - of one persons are supposed to be judged based on interpretation by another person. Thus the same actions with different person doing interpretation may result in different judgement. To "Frondo" below: "incredibly uncomfortable" - is an internal interpretation as well as "gawping". Objectively there is only one physical fact - physical configuration of the eyes of the person resulting at some points in time in the girl's image on the retina with that image being transferred/processed through visual cortex. Everything else is interpretation. It is just common knowledge, which we use to generate the interpretation, that a heterosexual male would supposedly "gawp" - well, for such an interpretation to have minimally valid basis one would, for example, have to establish that the male is heterosexual to start with. Without asking directly the sexual orientation is again best guess and interpretation of clues. So one interpretation is based on another... To "zem" : exactly my point. We can only believe in what she says about her feeling. "Believe" in "feeling" - the basis of judgement in these cases. To me such basis seems to be too weak vs. actual practical consequences to the people the judgement is passed upon.
jchrome 12y ago
That is a tough one. It's hard because there's nothing "apples to apples" with a male. If some girl stared at my chest, I really couldn't care less. Now, if a girl made me uncomfortable in some way because of some advance or because she was staring uncomfortable at me in some way, I would let her know.
- tbrownaw 12y ago
  It's hard because there's nothing "apples to apples" with a male. Maybe try "apples to bananas"?
- Jemaclus 12y ago
  Sure, but you're approaching this from a male perspective of "I'd tell them to stop." That's just not realistic for a woman. If you're a woman, how do you say "Stop looking at my boobs" without negative consequences? Unless she can prove that the guy was leering, as a woman it could be detrimental to her career to speak up. In many cases the man will justify that he was just looking around, like another comment on this thread says ("Am I just supposed to look at my feet for my whole life?"). If she lets him know and he feels like it's rejection or that she doesn't like him, then she's antagonized him. Maybe he gets defensive and lashes out or ignores her future contributions or starts telling everyone she's a stuck up bitch, or maybe something even more subtle. Who knows? Is it worth my friend losing her job over this? Or should she just suck it up and deal with it as a cost of admission to the table? The culture that doesn't fight the little things ultimately builds a foundation for the outrageous things. But how do you stamp out the little things without sounding crazy? You're absolutely right, it's hard. It's tough. And I don't have any answers. :(
  - jheriko 12y ago
    i'm sorry, but i think this is BS. why is it that men are allowed to do this and women not? equal rights and opportunities only work to solve this problem if exercised. men have negative consequences from confrontation too... its just unfortunate that they are often raised in a way that makes them more comfortable to make that trade off and deal with the consequences than women ('being a man about it') few things are more universally supported in today's world than a woman asking for a man to not sexually harass her. if she loses her job over this there will be a queue of lawyers waiting to take the case to tribunal for an easy paycheque... telling men not to stare at boobs does make them feel bad, and it should, its how they learn their lesson. if nobody tells them, nothing changes. should men have to champion this cause? isn't that just even more belittling to women, as if they are somehow ill equipped to assert their rights? if its some important customer its different. in those cases /everyone/ has to put up with all kinds of crap to do their job. this is professionalism in its original sense (not to be confused with wearing smart clothes to work), again, we shouldn't lower the bar for women... that's demeaning too imo. one last thing. why is it the male perspective to stand up for yourself and hold your own? i.e. to tell them to stop? isn't this sexism? even more so, isn't this one of those little things that allows the outrageous to happen?
xupybd 12y ago
One of the problems here is the lack of a feedback loop. Yes these things are subtle but if never dealt with nothing changes. The person looking at the boobs, may nor may not be aware how obvious it is. Not that this makes it okay but it means they have no internal conviction to change the behaviour. And it may be equally possible that some of the 'feeling you get from someone' could be a total miss read. As long as nothing is said nothing changes. I think a culture where people are willing to deal with the discomfort this sort of thing brings would help. Also a culture where people are not thrown under the bus at the first hint of a problem. It is seen as too much of a risk, to have either an offender or a victim of sexual harassment on staff because of the legal repercussions and that's not okay, that keeps things hidden. There is also the more blatant instance of sexual harassment in the industry (well in every industry) but I think it's a case of the broken window effect. When the little things are allowed to slide things escalate out of control.
jheriko 12y ago
this is hard, it depends on the situation. i can relate my one experience of dealing with this where i felt that i had to confront a co-worker for boob staring. it made me feel awkward to sit there and notice him doing it, so the lady involved must have noticed too... i pulled him outside on a false pretense and simply said "stop staring at her tits, its making /me/ feel uncomfortable" and as soon as it was pointed out he was clearly embarrassed and made a concerted effort to not do it. the lady in question was inappropriately dressed for an office situation - her boobs were literally falling out of her poorly fitted bra and tight shirt with less buttons done up than not. however, it was a client, so extra awkward. that being said, it seems to be nearly forbidden to comment on how women dress if you are a man, even if they look like some caricature stereotype of a hooker... but, despite that, it is simply true that wearing a low cut top to the office is not suitable attire. sensible women are not offended by this idea, but they also are the ones who tend to wear sweaters to work and do all the buttons up on their blouses etc. if the situation was reversed i'm not sure what i would do, and that is the worse situation because the lady being ogled is probably going to feel pressure to tolerate the behaviour from a client much more than a co-worker...
- mistermann 12y ago
  > it is simply true that wearing a low cut top to the office is not suitable attire. I would tend to agree, but I believe there are many that would consider that comment "blaming the victim", or in other words, any comment at all about a female's appearance is discriminatory.
  - jheriko 12y ago
    it is true. the analogy i like to use (which is quite belittling to men i guess, and very extreme) is being burned by fire. if you put your hand in fire, you are the victim, but its still your fault when you get burned. the fire isn't going to go cold whatever your intent behind putting your hand in it. in the same way men will look at exposed cleavage no matter why you are wearing the low cut top. that's just nature, and blaming men for their natural behaviour is no better than blaming the fire for being hot. the best defence is to not even go there, don't put your hand in fires and don't show your cleavage... i shouldn't have to disregard such straightforward logic because the person i am talking to is a woman. imo that is demeaning to women... its a dangerous position to take, but for all of the wrong reasons. (and of course, men can train themselves to not look, and especially not to stare at boobs - the fire can not train itself to be cold)
zorpner 12y ago
As the subthread below your comment shows, she certainly shouldn't attempt to express her discomfort to anyone, lest they start babbling incoherently about having to look somewhere in "3D Euclidean space" or asserting that they are as unable to look at boobs as they are unable to breathe (seriously one of the stupidest things I've ever read on HN, which sets a bar). It's amazing how far people will go to excuse poor behavior. The most successful perpetrators of sexual harassment primarily act in ways that are not easily proven or defined. Consciously or unconsciously, they take advantage of natural biases to both prevent their actions from being reported and prevent people from believing reports when they do occur. Here's something you can say: "If someone makes you uncomfortable and you want to tell someone, you can tell me. I won't ask why; I won't argue; I will listen to you, accept what you're saying, and remember it."
JohnBooty 12y ago
Not the same thing (I'm a guy) but a manager of mine had a great solution to a similar situation. I once had a coworker that said a lot of gross things: racist stuff, creepy sexual stuff, etc. Went on for a while. I told my manager, without naming the other coworker. My manager sent a memo to the department reminding them about the fact that there were often guests in our area and that we needed to be careful about jokes and language. It worked. The coworker didn't feel personally blamed or as if somebody ratted him out, and he did cease with the gross stuff. Everybody won, basically. Or at least nobody lost. Now obviously that kind of oblique approach won't always work and people may need to be dealt with. The next step would have been for my manager or I to speak to him privately. You could try something like that. Maybe get an outside speaker to talk to the team, just to give some reminders about specific things to avoid such as staring at womens' chests?
- nameless1234 12y ago
  (throwaway account) I really, really dislike this method. If there's a problem employee, deal with that employee. Don't send blanket emails to everyone. It (in my experience) does not work since the person that's actually doing something offensive usually doesn't realize it, and it just confuses all other people working into wondering if they somehow are to blame. This tactic seems to be really common where I work, and all it seems to lead to is confusion and anger with management because they're unclear. It's as if everyone is being lectured for something one person did. If I've said something inappropriate, please let me know. If not, leave me out of it so I don't have to worry that I might have. This stuff creates a lot of unneeded stress. It's one of the reasons I'm looking for a new job. Seriously.
  - JohnBooty 12y ago
    > If there's a problem employee, deal with that employee. Don't send blanket emails to everyone. It's a delicate thing for sure. Certainly not everything can be handled this way. And I am sure that you and I would agree: if the net effect is that the entire team feels that it's being blamed or lectured then it is a failure. However: it doesn't have to be that way at all. Depending on the severity of what's going on, it's possible to nudge a team towards better behavior without blaming anybody. Secondly, negative feedback has to be a part of an overall message in which team members are also given positive feedback on what they are doing right. It sounds like at your job, you guys just get a bunch of blame thrown at the whole team and I'm guessing it's not balanced out by positive feedback on the stuff you do right.
ierio 12y ago
>I can't tell you how many meetings I've been in where the person on the other side of the table is regularly looking at my boobs. What am i supposed to do about that This is just blatant non-sense. I am immigrant working in US. I can't tell you how many times women have brushed my arms or tried to grab my ass. I am male and have english accent. What are people supposed to do when you are sitting at exact opposite side ? Close the eyes ? Even if you are directly looking into women's eyes she could be feel that you are looking at her boobs. Its just her own insecurities speaking out. I would not hire such flamboyant bitch. Also, mind you with diversity comes time to adjust. You can't mix people from all over the world ( India, China, UK,Australia, Mexicans ) and expect them to follow your culture right away. People from India and China ( including Taiwan ) are very hardcore. Many times I have seen they refuse to mix and adjust according to US culture. When I was working in boston for big software company , which also had Indian and Chinese folks, these people would get coffee within their own group and refuse to invite/mix with others. Many of my friends experienced similar thing. I believe parent commenter is just non-sense believing everything said to him. I would certainly steer away from such person being my manager. One of the managers responsibility is to listen to everything and make good judgement call which he clearly fails to demonstrate.
- JohnBooty 12y ago
  If you received unwanted physical or sexual behavior, that is a real problem and I am genuinely sorry that you had to deal with that. A long time ago I received some pretty serious harassment from a female coworker. It happens to men too, and it is not fun at all. But the fact that it also happens to men doesn't mean that you can just dismiss womens' problems like that. Unless you are living in a culture where men and women are exactly equal, then you need to realize that men and women experience these things differently.
- Jemaclus 12y ago
  I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Firstly, that she's a flamboyant bitch (she's not -- in fact, she has never even mentioned this kind of thing until I asked her). Furthermore, by assuming she's a "flamboyant bitch" at all, you've demonstrated that you're part of the problem and blaming the victim. Can't you see that? Second, you're making the assumption that if you're sitting directly across from a woman, you have to either look at her or keep your eyes closed. There are a million other things in the room you can look at that don't involve her breasts. There's a fine line between staring intently at her eyes and making casual eye contact while carrying on a conversation. I'm capable of not staring at her breasts and making women feel comfortable around me -- and so are millions of other men. It's not hard, but it is something we men should be aware of. Third, you're right. I do believe her when she says that people stare at her breasts (hell, I've checked them out myself) and that it makes her uncomfortable when she notices. I don't see any reason to disbelieve her. You say that women have brushed your arms and grabbed your ass -- why should I not take you at your word? It seems like something that could totally happen. How would you feel if I said to you "Ha, no woman has ever grabbed your ass. Quit being a drama queen"? That's effectively what you just said about my coworker. I don't have any evidence that shows she's a liar -- and neither do you, by the way -- but I have plenty of evidence that what she says is true from her perspective. You're right about another thing: my responsibility as a manager is to listen to everything and make good judgment calls. I'm not clear on where you think I'm making poor judgment calls. I have literally done nothing but listen to my coworker's thoughts (which I assume falls under the definition of "everything") and have asked for opinions regarding her statement. I haven't taken any action, I haven't fired anyone, I haven't accused anyone of improper behavior. Where is my poor judgment? Nowhere. I haven't made any poor judgments. If anything, actually stopping to think about her comment and the ramifications is a sign of progress, that the status quo can be improved. I'm sorry you've experienced sexual harassment. It's a terrible thing to feel uncomfortable going to your work. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I owe it to myself and to my team to consider what I might do if it happened to me. Don't you agree? Or do you think I should just sweep it under the rug and ignore it? P.S. I said nothing about culture and diversity or the race/ethnicity of my friend. I'm not sure where that came from. But I don't disagree with you. It's hard to mix cultures. But surely we can try to ensure that everyone is on their best behavior, yes?

deleted 12y ago

[deleted]

macho_pikachu 12y ago

Networking is the most straightforward answer there. Every time you make a new hire let her know first. Let her know that you understand that feeling isolated in the workplace can happen for a lot of reasons, but if you are of a legally protected status there are steps as her manager you can take to alleviate that. Give preference to candidates she recommends and feels comfortable with.

macho_pikachu 12y ago
I'm not sure why I'm being down voted here? Maybe it was my phrasing but here is a much better articulated and nuanced explanation of my argument over at medium: https://medium.com/message/no-nate-brogrammers-may-not-be-macho-but-thats-not-all-there-is-to-it-2f1fe84c5c9b https://medium.com/message/no-nate-brogrammers-may-not-be-ma... I would further posit that the norms of tech culture that isolate some and include others and this culture as it intersects with hiring is basically just a way to normalize, refine, and study turnover in tech business by managers and CEOs. I remember when I had my, "a-ha!" moment working at a coffee shop in highschool. "why?" I thought, "would my employer show a blatant disregard for sexual harassment, sexist hiring policies, hazing, poor scheduling, and offer few benefits that attract long term employment?" Because turnover is good for business. Lower salaries make coffee shop margins possible and fresh faces bring more customers.

trhway 12y ago

>I can't tell you how many meetings I've been in where the person on the other side of the table is regularly looking at my boobs. in a 3D Euclidean space where do the person is supposed to be looking at? Staring all the time down into the table? Up into the ceiling? Close the eyes every time while moving eyes from ceiling to the table? I'm asking just out of curiousity as personally i just stare either into ceiling or into laptop and whatever happens / whoever present at the meeting - i'm not here :)

mvarner 12y ago
I mean, there's a difference between looking at someone because they're talking or you're engaging in the meeting with them and staring directly at their boobs. I've been in situations where people are obviously gawping at me and it's incredibly uncomfortable and it's a much, much different experience than when they're idly looking around a conference room because they're bored.
- trhway 12y ago
  > I've been in situations where people are obviously gawping at me and it's incredibly uncomfortable and it's a much, much different experience than when they're idly looking around a conference room because they're bored. it is your internal interpretation. It may be true or may be not. The point here is that actions - specifically eyes movements - of one persons are supposed to be judged based on interpretation by another person. Thus the same actions with different person doing interpretation may result in different judgement. To "Frondo" below: "incredibly uncomfortable" - is an internal interpretation as well as "gawping". Objectively there is only one physical fact - physical configuration of the eyes of the person resulting at some points in time in the girl's image on the retina with that image being transferred/processed through visual cortex. Everything else is interpretation. It is just common knowledge, which we use to generate the interpretation, that a heterosexual male would supposedly "gawp" - well, for such an interpretation to have minimally valid basis one would, for example, have to establish that the male is heterosexual to start with. Without asking directly the sexual orientation is again best guess and interpretation of clues. So one interpretation is based on another... To "zem" : exactly my point. We can only believe in what she says about her feeling. "Believe" in "feeling" - the basis of judgement in these cases. To me such basis seems to be too weak vs. actual practical consequences to the people the judgement is passed upon.

jchrome 12y ago

That is a tough one. It's hard because there's nothing "apples to apples" with a male. If some girl stared at my chest, I really couldn't care less. Now, if a girl made me uncomfortable in some way because of some advance or because she was staring uncomfortable at me in some way, I would let her know.

tbrownaw 12y ago
It's hard because there's nothing "apples to apples" with a male. Maybe try "apples to bananas"?
Jemaclus 12y ago
Sure, but you're approaching this from a male perspective of "I'd tell them to stop." That's just not realistic for a woman. If you're a woman, how do you say "Stop looking at my boobs" without negative consequences? Unless she can prove that the guy was leering, as a woman it could be detrimental to her career to speak up. In many cases the man will justify that he was just looking around, like another comment on this thread says ("Am I just supposed to look at my feet for my whole life?"). If she lets him know and he feels like it's rejection or that she doesn't like him, then she's antagonized him. Maybe he gets defensive and lashes out or ignores her future contributions or starts telling everyone she's a stuck up bitch, or maybe something even more subtle. Who knows? Is it worth my friend losing her job over this? Or should she just suck it up and deal with it as a cost of admission to the table? The culture that doesn't fight the little things ultimately builds a foundation for the outrageous things. But how do you stamp out the little things without sounding crazy? You're absolutely right, it's hard. It's tough. And I don't have any answers. :(
- jheriko 12y ago
  i'm sorry, but i think this is BS. why is it that men are allowed to do this and women not? equal rights and opportunities only work to solve this problem if exercised. men have negative consequences from confrontation too... its just unfortunate that they are often raised in a way that makes them more comfortable to make that trade off and deal with the consequences than women ('being a man about it') few things are more universally supported in today's world than a woman asking for a man to not sexually harass her. if she loses her job over this there will be a queue of lawyers waiting to take the case to tribunal for an easy paycheque... telling men not to stare at boobs does make them feel bad, and it should, its how they learn their lesson. if nobody tells them, nothing changes. should men have to champion this cause? isn't that just even more belittling to women, as if they are somehow ill equipped to assert their rights? if its some important customer its different. in those cases /everyone/ has to put up with all kinds of crap to do their job. this is professionalism in its original sense (not to be confused with wearing smart clothes to work), again, we shouldn't lower the bar for women... that's demeaning too imo. one last thing. why is it the male perspective to stand up for yourself and hold your own? i.e. to tell them to stop? isn't this sexism? even more so, isn't this one of those little things that allows the outrageous to happen?

xupybd 12y ago

One of the problems here is the lack of a feedback loop. Yes these things are subtle but if never dealt with nothing changes. The person looking at the boobs, may nor may not be aware how obvious it is. Not that this makes it okay but it means they have no internal conviction to change the behaviour. And it may be equally possible that some of the 'feeling you get from someone' could be a total miss read. As long as nothing is said nothing changes. I think a culture where people are willing to deal with the discomfort this sort of thing brings would help. Also a culture where people are not thrown under the bus at the first hint of a problem. It is seen as too much of a risk, to have either an offender or a victim of sexual harassment on staff because of the legal repercussions and that's not okay, that keeps things hidden. There is also the more blatant instance of sexual harassment in the industry (well in every industry) but I think it's a case of the broken window effect. When the little things are allowed to slide things escalate out of control.

jheriko 12y ago

this is hard, it depends on the situation. i can relate my one experience of dealing with this where i felt that i had to confront a co-worker for boob staring. it made me feel awkward to sit there and notice him doing it, so the lady involved must have noticed too... i pulled him outside on a false pretense and simply said "stop staring at her tits, its making /me/ feel uncomfortable" and as soon as it was pointed out he was clearly embarrassed and made a concerted effort to not do it. the lady in question was inappropriately dressed for an office situation - her boobs were literally falling out of her poorly fitted bra and tight shirt with less buttons done up than not. however, it was a client, so extra awkward. that being said, it seems to be nearly forbidden to comment on how women dress if you are a man, even if they look like some caricature stereotype of a hooker... but, despite that, it is simply true that wearing a low cut top to the office is not suitable attire. sensible women are not offended by this idea, but they also are the ones who tend to wear sweaters to work and do all the buttons up on their blouses etc. if the situation was reversed i'm not sure what i would do, and that is the worse situation because the lady being ogled is probably going to feel pressure to tolerate the behaviour from a client much more than a co-worker...

mistermann 12y ago
> it is simply true that wearing a low cut top to the office is not suitable attire. I would tend to agree, but I believe there are many that would consider that comment "blaming the victim", or in other words, any comment at all about a female's appearance is discriminatory.
- jheriko 12y ago
  it is true. the analogy i like to use (which is quite belittling to men i guess, and very extreme) is being burned by fire. if you put your hand in fire, you are the victim, but its still your fault when you get burned. the fire isn't going to go cold whatever your intent behind putting your hand in it. in the same way men will look at exposed cleavage no matter why you are wearing the low cut top. that's just nature, and blaming men for their natural behaviour is no better than blaming the fire for being hot. the best defence is to not even go there, don't put your hand in fires and don't show your cleavage... i shouldn't have to disregard such straightforward logic because the person i am talking to is a woman. imo that is demeaning to women... its a dangerous position to take, but for all of the wrong reasons. (and of course, men can train themselves to not look, and especially not to stare at boobs - the fire can not train itself to be cold)

zorpner 12y ago

As the subthread below your comment shows, she certainly shouldn't attempt to express her discomfort to anyone, lest they start babbling incoherently about having to look somewhere in "3D Euclidean space" or asserting that they are as unable to look at boobs as they are unable to breathe (seriously one of the stupidest things I've ever read on HN, which sets a bar). It's amazing how far people will go to excuse poor behavior. The most successful perpetrators of sexual harassment primarily act in ways that are not easily proven or defined. Consciously or unconsciously, they take advantage of natural biases to both prevent their actions from being reported and prevent people from believing reports when they do occur. Here's something you can say: "If someone makes you uncomfortable and you want to tell someone, you can tell me. I won't ask why; I won't argue; I will listen to you, accept what you're saying, and remember it."

JohnBooty 12y ago

Not the same thing (I'm a guy) but a manager of mine had a great solution to a similar situation. I once had a coworker that said a lot of gross things: racist stuff, creepy sexual stuff, etc. Went on for a while. I told my manager, without naming the other coworker. My manager sent a memo to the department reminding them about the fact that there were often guests in our area and that we needed to be careful about jokes and language. It worked. The coworker didn't feel personally blamed or as if somebody ratted him out, and he did cease with the gross stuff. Everybody won, basically. Or at least nobody lost. Now obviously that kind of oblique approach won't always work and people may need to be dealt with. The next step would have been for my manager or I to speak to him privately. You could try something like that. Maybe get an outside speaker to talk to the team, just to give some reminders about specific things to avoid such as staring at womens' chests?

nameless1234 12y ago
(throwaway account) I really, really dislike this method. If there's a problem employee, deal with that employee. Don't send blanket emails to everyone. It (in my experience) does not work since the person that's actually doing something offensive usually doesn't realize it, and it just confuses all other people working into wondering if they somehow are to blame. This tactic seems to be really common where I work, and all it seems to lead to is confusion and anger with management because they're unclear. It's as if everyone is being lectured for something one person did. If I've said something inappropriate, please let me know. If not, leave me out of it so I don't have to worry that I might have. This stuff creates a lot of unneeded stress. It's one of the reasons I'm looking for a new job. Seriously.
- JohnBooty 12y ago
  > If there's a problem employee, deal with that employee. Don't send blanket emails to everyone. It's a delicate thing for sure. Certainly not everything can be handled this way. And I am sure that you and I would agree: if the net effect is that the entire team feels that it's being blamed or lectured then it is a failure. However: it doesn't have to be that way at all. Depending on the severity of what's going on, it's possible to nudge a team towards better behavior without blaming anybody. Secondly, negative feedback has to be a part of an overall message in which team members are also given positive feedback on what they are doing right. It sounds like at your job, you guys just get a bunch of blame thrown at the whole team and I'm guessing it's not balanced out by positive feedback on the stuff you do right.

ierio 12y ago

>I can't tell you how many meetings I've been in where the person on the other side of the table is regularly looking at my boobs. What am i supposed to do about that This is just blatant non-sense. I am immigrant working in US. I can't tell you how many times women have brushed my arms or tried to grab my ass. I am male and have english accent. What are people supposed to do when you are sitting at exact opposite side ? Close the eyes ? Even if you are directly looking into women's eyes she could be feel that you are looking at her boobs. Its just her own insecurities speaking out. I would not hire such flamboyant bitch. Also, mind you with diversity comes time to adjust. You can't mix people from all over the world ( India, China, UK,Australia, Mexicans ) and expect them to follow your culture right away. People from India and China ( including Taiwan ) are very hardcore. Many times I have seen they refuse to mix and adjust according to US culture. When I was working in boston for big software company , which also had Indian and Chinese folks, these people would get coffee within their own group and refuse to invite/mix with others. Many of my friends experienced similar thing. I believe parent commenter is just non-sense believing everything said to him. I would certainly steer away from such person being my manager. One of the managers responsibility is to listen to everything and make good judgement call which he clearly fails to demonstrate.

JohnBooty 12y ago
If you received unwanted physical or sexual behavior, that is a real problem and I am genuinely sorry that you had to deal with that. A long time ago I received some pretty serious harassment from a female coworker. It happens to men too, and it is not fun at all. But the fact that it also happens to men doesn't mean that you can just dismiss womens' problems like that. Unless you are living in a culture where men and women are exactly equal, then you need to realize that men and women experience these things differently.
Jemaclus 12y ago
I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Firstly, that she's a flamboyant bitch (she's not -- in fact, she has never even mentioned this kind of thing until I asked her). Furthermore, by assuming she's a "flamboyant bitch" at all, you've demonstrated that you're part of the problem and blaming the victim. Can't you see that? Second, you're making the assumption that if you're sitting directly across from a woman, you have to either look at her or keep your eyes closed. There are a million other things in the room you can look at that don't involve her breasts. There's a fine line between staring intently at her eyes and making casual eye contact while carrying on a conversation. I'm capable of not staring at her breasts and making women feel comfortable around me -- and so are millions of other men. It's not hard, but it is something we men should be aware of. Third, you're right. I do believe her when she says that people stare at her breasts (hell, I've checked them out myself) and that it makes her uncomfortable when she notices. I don't see any reason to disbelieve her. You say that women have brushed your arms and grabbed your ass -- why should I not take you at your word? It seems like something that could totally happen. How would you feel if I said to you "Ha, no woman has ever grabbed your ass. Quit being a drama queen"? That's effectively what you just said about my coworker. I don't have any evidence that shows she's a liar -- and neither do you, by the way -- but I have plenty of evidence that what she says is true from her perspective. You're right about another thing: my responsibility as a manager is to listen to everything and make good judgment calls. I'm not clear on where you think I'm making poor judgment calls. I have literally done nothing but listen to my coworker's thoughts (which I assume falls under the definition of "everything") and have asked for opinions regarding her statement. I haven't taken any action, I haven't fired anyone, I haven't accused anyone of improper behavior. Where is my poor judgment? Nowhere. I haven't made any poor judgments. If anything, actually stopping to think about her comment and the ramifications is a sign of progress, that the status quo can be improved. I'm sorry you've experienced sexual harassment. It's a terrible thing to feel uncomfortable going to your work. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I owe it to myself and to my team to consider what I might do if it happened to me. Don't you agree? Or do you think I should just sweep it under the rug and ignore it? P.S. I said nothing about culture and diversity or the race/ethnicity of my friend. I'm not sure where that came from. But I don't disagree with you. It's hard to mix cultures. But surely we can try to ensure that everyone is on their best behavior, yes?