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The few people I've met who operate with no filter or who profess to practice 100% honesty, come across as abrasive and unpleasant. How does 100% honesty work

by learc83 12y ago

The few people I've met who operate with no filter or who profess to practice 100% honesty, come across as abrasive and unpleasant. How does 100% honesty work with people in authority over you, and what about unpopular opinions. I'd wager most of us hold at least one opinion that would make us social pariahs. If you tell your girlfriend about all the women you're attracted to, do you tell every attractive woman you meet that you're sexually attracted to her? I can't imagine that going over very well.

forthefuture 12y ago
Honesty isn't debilitating. You can still choose what you want to say.
- learc83 12y ago
  If you choose what to say, then it's not 100% honesty is it. I have a family member who went through a time when he absolutely wouldn't tell a lie. Because of this, when he had information he didn't want other people to know, he would spend time going through complicated verbal gymnastics to avoid actually lying. When he was cheating on his diet, instead of telling his wife he was going to McDonald's, he'd try to slip out without her noticing. Then she'd notice and start asking him questions that he'd try to dodge. He made it look like he was cheating on her instead of his diet. The point is, you can be just as dishonest by not saying something. The 100% honesty thing is just ridiculous and impossible.
  - vinceguidry 12y ago
    That's just silly. Your family member was being dishonest, he just wasn't telling lies. He could have been perfectly honest. I'd just have said that I find sticking to the diet difficult and that I'm going to McDonalds. He didn't have to sneak around. He could have been honest about it, but chose not to. It's not ridiculous, it's not impossible. You won't get the knack of it overnight, but you can get it.
    - learc83 12y ago
      That story was just an example. You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. Everyone has thoughts and actions that they don't want made public--if you make up silly rules like "I'm never going to tell a lie", you'll eventually find yourself coming up with other ways to keep those thoughts and actions private.
      - vinceguidry 12y ago
        > You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. If someone asks you something that you don't want to tell them, tell them you don't want to tell them that information. You do not have to be dishonest in order to not tell someone something, nor do you need silly rules. You can do that in an honest and straightforward fashion.
        learc83 12y ago
        That doesn't always work because simply not answering a question can reveal information that you don't want shared. When I was in middle school my mom cut my hair to save money. I was embarrassed by this. I dreaded people asking me questions about my haircut because I didn't want to tell them my mom cut it, but I didn't want to lie about where I got it cut. If someone asked me where I got my hair cut and I respond with "I don't want to talk about it", that answer would have revealed just as much sensitive information. I started changing my behavior to avoid this question--getting my hair cut at the beginning of a long break, so I could avoid people right after it was cut when they were most likely to ask. All I was doing was finding new ways to hide information. Now the obvious solution would have been to stop worrying about what other people thought. But I couldn't do that. We all have information like this, and we can be honest with ourselves and realize that 100% honesty with other people is a joke, or we can try to come up with other means to keep the information hidden that we think are morally superior to direct deception.
        vinceguidry 12y ago
vinceguidry 12y ago
There's a difference between being 100% honest and having no filter. When I meet an attractive woman, I let it be known somehow that I find her attractive. I don't just stumble up to her and say "hi, you're so hot, wanna have sex?" I've found that there's a clear difference in the way I interact with women I feel attracted to and women I don't. I'm more playful, sometimes I'll even flirt if she seems receptive. If we're in a setting where that sort of interaction is more or less expected, like a bar, sure I'll tell her that I'm attracted to her. With authority and work, it's something you work on. Of course you don't want to tell your CEO that he's a fucking idiot when it comes to technology, but you don't want to be a doormat either. He's relying on your expertise, you need to be able to correct his incorrect views in an appropriate fashion. You can express displeasure but not disdain. You filter the expression of whatever emotion you're feeling, but you still express it. 100% honesty makes more demands on your amygdala than not having a filter. You have to become clearer about exactly what you're expressing and why. Precision when you're communicating negative emotions is paramount. You also have to be willing to apologize whenever you miscommunicate.
- learc83 12y ago
  It sounds like by 100% honesty you mean: don't hide your emotions and go along with everything just to keep the peace, but make sure to express negative opinions tactfully, and keep thoughts that would cause too much trouble to yourself. To me that sounds a lot like acting like an ordinary mature adult. I don't think what you're expressing is what most people mean when they talk about 100% or radical honesty.
  - vinceguidry 12y ago
    I don't think most adults are mature, so I wouldn't call it ordinary. But it is still 100% being honest all the time. You still have a filter, but you're being honest about all the emotions you're feeling and what is motivating you to do any given thing. You can work to start to remove the filter too, this is called self-actualization. That's something different. I think you need to be 100% honest with yourself before you start removing your filter or it won't work and you'll end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater. 100% honesty is as much about knowing yourself as it is about not misleading others. Only once you understand yourself and your motivations can you start to experiment with just saying stuff that's on your mind without thinking about it first. The things you say will clue you in on deeper motivations that you can then work on being honest with yourself about.

by learc83 12y ago

forthefuture 12y ago

Honesty isn't debilitating. You can still choose what you want to say.

learc83 12y ago
If you choose what to say, then it's not 100% honesty is it. I have a family member who went through a time when he absolutely wouldn't tell a lie. Because of this, when he had information he didn't want other people to know, he would spend time going through complicated verbal gymnastics to avoid actually lying. When he was cheating on his diet, instead of telling his wife he was going to McDonald's, he'd try to slip out without her noticing. Then she'd notice and start asking him questions that he'd try to dodge. He made it look like he was cheating on her instead of his diet. The point is, you can be just as dishonest by not saying something. The 100% honesty thing is just ridiculous and impossible.
- vinceguidry 12y ago
  That's just silly. Your family member was being dishonest, he just wasn't telling lies. He could have been perfectly honest. I'd just have said that I find sticking to the diet difficult and that I'm going to McDonalds. He didn't have to sneak around. He could have been honest about it, but chose not to. It's not ridiculous, it's not impossible. You won't get the knack of it overnight, but you can get it.
  - learc83 12y ago
    That story was just an example. You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. Everyone has thoughts and actions that they don't want made public--if you make up silly rules like "I'm never going to tell a lie", you'll eventually find yourself coming up with other ways to keep those thoughts and actions private.
    - vinceguidry 12y ago
      > You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. If someone asks you something that you don't want to tell them, tell them you don't want to tell them that information. You do not have to be dishonest in order to not tell someone something, nor do you need silly rules. You can do that in an honest and straightforward fashion.
      - learc83 12y ago
        That doesn't always work because simply not answering a question can reveal information that you don't want shared. When I was in middle school my mom cut my hair to save money. I was embarrassed by this. I dreaded people asking me questions about my haircut because I didn't want to tell them my mom cut it, but I didn't want to lie about where I got it cut. If someone asked me where I got my hair cut and I respond with "I don't want to talk about it", that answer would have revealed just as much sensitive information. I started changing my behavior to avoid this question--getting my hair cut at the beginning of a long break, so I could avoid people right after it was cut when they were most likely to ask. All I was doing was finding new ways to hide information. Now the obvious solution would have been to stop worrying about what other people thought. But I couldn't do that. We all have information like this, and we can be honest with ourselves and realize that 100% honesty with other people is a joke, or we can try to come up with other means to keep the information hidden that we think are morally superior to direct deception.
        vinceguidry 12y ago

vinceguidry 12y ago

There's a difference between being 100% honest and having no filter. When I meet an attractive woman, I let it be known somehow that I find her attractive. I don't just stumble up to her and say "hi, you're so hot, wanna have sex?" I've found that there's a clear difference in the way I interact with women I feel attracted to and women I don't. I'm more playful, sometimes I'll even flirt if she seems receptive. If we're in a setting where that sort of interaction is more or less expected, like a bar, sure I'll tell her that I'm attracted to her. With authority and work, it's something you work on. Of course you don't want to tell your CEO that he's a fucking idiot when it comes to technology, but you don't want to be a doormat either. He's relying on your expertise, you need to be able to correct his incorrect views in an appropriate fashion. You can express displeasure but not disdain. You filter the expression of whatever emotion you're feeling, but you still express it. 100% honesty makes more demands on your amygdala than not having a filter. You have to become clearer about exactly what you're expressing and why. Precision when you're communicating negative emotions is paramount. You also have to be willing to apologize whenever you miscommunicate.

learc83 12y ago
It sounds like by 100% honesty you mean: don't hide your emotions and go along with everything just to keep the peace, but make sure to express negative opinions tactfully, and keep thoughts that would cause too much trouble to yourself. To me that sounds a lot like acting like an ordinary mature adult. I don't think what you're expressing is what most people mean when they talk about 100% or radical honesty.
- vinceguidry 12y ago
  I don't think most adults are mature, so I wouldn't call it ordinary. But it is still 100% being honest all the time. You still have a filter, but you're being honest about all the emotions you're feeling and what is motivating you to do any given thing. You can work to start to remove the filter too, this is called self-actualization. That's something different. I think you need to be 100% honest with yourself before you start removing your filter or it won't work and you'll end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater. 100% honesty is as much about knowing yourself as it is about not misleading others. Only once you understand yourself and your motivations can you start to experiment with just saying stuff that's on your mind without thinking about it first. The things you say will clue you in on deeper motivations that you can then work on being honest with yourself about.