6 ms·

That prescription strikes me as useful only in the theoretical. Honesty is well and good, but telling your girlfriend you'd like to fuck her sister is not going

by ryandvm 12y ago

That prescription strikes me as useful only in the theoretical. Honesty is well and good, but telling your girlfriend you'd like to fuck her sister is not going to be good for anyone.

vinceguidry 12y ago
People always throw these crazy thoughts out there like they'd be expressed in a vacuum where everything else is perfectly PC whenever 100% honesty comes up. The thing about honesty to others is, as you settle into it, you find that the emotions running around in your head even out and the way you express them becomes less nuts. You might be walking down the street with your girlfriend, and see a smoking hot girl come the other way. You turn to look, your girlfriend all but expects you to, she knows the kinds of girls you like because you've talked about it a dozen times before. She might tease you about it or mock being angry, but she's not going to fly off the handle just because you expressed a sexual interest in someone that's not her. Any more than you would on her.
- learc83 12y ago
  The few people I've met who operate with no filter or who profess to practice 100% honesty, come across as abrasive and unpleasant. How does 100% honesty work with people in authority over you, and what about unpopular opinions. I'd wager most of us hold at least one opinion that would make us social pariahs. If you tell your girlfriend about all the women you're attracted to, do you tell every attractive woman you meet that you're sexually attracted to her? I can't imagine that going over very well.
  - forthefuture 12y ago
    Honesty isn't debilitating. You can still choose what you want to say.
    - learc83 12y ago
      If you choose what to say, then it's not 100% honesty is it. I have a family member who went through a time when he absolutely wouldn't tell a lie. Because of this, when he had information he didn't want other people to know, he would spend time going through complicated verbal gymnastics to avoid actually lying. When he was cheating on his diet, instead of telling his wife he was going to McDonald's, he'd try to slip out without her noticing. Then she'd notice and start asking him questions that he'd try to dodge. He made it look like he was cheating on her instead of his diet. The point is, you can be just as dishonest by not saying something. The 100% honesty thing is just ridiculous and impossible.
      - vinceguidry 12y ago
        That's just silly. Your family member was being dishonest, he just wasn't telling lies. He could have been perfectly honest. I'd just have said that I find sticking to the diet difficult and that I'm going to McDonalds. He didn't have to sneak around. He could have been honest about it, but chose not to. It's not ridiculous, it's not impossible. You won't get the knack of it overnight, but you can get it.
        learc83 12y ago
        That story was just an example. You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. Everyone has thoughts and actions that they don't want made public--if you make up silly rules like "I'm never going to tell a lie", you'll eventually find yourself coming up with other ways to keep those thoughts and actions private.
        vinceguidry 12y ago
        > You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. If someone asks you something that you don't want to tell them, tell them you don't want to tell them that information. You do not have to be dishonest in order to not tell someone something, nor do you need silly rules. You can do that in an honest and straightforward fashion.
  - vinceguidry 12y ago
    There's a difference between being 100% honest and having no filter. When I meet an attractive woman, I let it be known somehow that I find her attractive. I don't just stumble up to her and say "hi, you're so hot, wanna have sex?" I've found that there's a clear difference in the way I interact with women I feel attracted to and women I don't. I'm more playful, sometimes I'll even flirt if she seems receptive. If we're in a setting where that sort of interaction is more or less expected, like a bar, sure I'll tell her that I'm attracted to her. With authority and work, it's something you work on. Of course you don't want to tell your CEO that he's a fucking idiot when it comes to technology, but you don't want to be a doormat either. He's relying on your expertise, you need to be able to correct his incorrect views in an appropriate fashion. You can express displeasure but not disdain. You filter the expression of whatever emotion you're feeling, but you still express it. 100% honesty makes more demands on your amygdala than not having a filter. You have to become clearer about exactly what you're expressing and why. Precision when you're communicating negative emotions is paramount. You also have to be willing to apologize whenever you miscommunicate.
    - learc83 12y ago
      It sounds like by 100% honesty you mean: don't hide your emotions and go along with everything just to keep the peace, but make sure to express negative opinions tactfully, and keep thoughts that would cause too much trouble to yourself. To me that sounds a lot like acting like an ordinary mature adult. I don't think what you're expressing is what most people mean when they talk about 100% or radical honesty.
      - vinceguidry 12y ago
        I don't think most adults are mature, so I wouldn't call it ordinary. But it is still 100% being honest all the time. You still have a filter, but you're being honest about all the emotions you're feeling and what is motivating you to do any given thing. You can work to start to remove the filter too, this is called self-actualization. That's something different. I think you need to be 100% honest with yourself before you start removing your filter or it won't work and you'll end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater. 100% honesty is as much about knowing yourself as it is about not misleading others. Only once you understand yourself and your motivations can you start to experiment with just saying stuff that's on your mind without thinking about it first. The things you say will clue you in on deeper motivations that you can then work on being honest with yourself about.
- saraid216 12y ago
  > The thing about honesty to others is, as you settle into it, you find that the emotions running around in your head even out and the way you express them becomes less nuts. Except the thoughts being discussed aren't crazy because they're expressed in a crazy manner. They're crazy because their content is perceived as crazy. What you're actually talking about is that you get feedback and adapt your thoughts in response to that feedback, rather than responding to yourself in a self-reinforcing loop of imagination. It's just another form of self-censorship. It's, you know, a healthy and natural kind but it's not actually any different.
meric 12y ago
After meeting her sister, she asks, "So, what do you think of my sister?", and you cheekily reply, "Haha, She's pretty hot, I wouldn't mind fucking her, we could do a threesome.", and winks. Your girlfriend giggles and punches you in the arm.
- learc83 12y ago
  This keeps getting brought up, but I don't think it's at all realistic. The more likely scenario is that she reacts like the majority of women (and men) who aren't 100% self-confident, and starts a huge fight. Part of being an adult is learning not to voice inappropriate thoughts. Talking about sleeping with family members is definitely not appropriate. What if you found her mother attractive, or her grandmother? Would you say the same thing? If not, then you're still filtering yourself.

by ryandvm 12y ago

That prescription strikes me as useful only in the theoretical. Honesty is well and good, but telling your girlfriend you'd like to fuck her sister is not going to be good for anyone.

vinceguidry 12y ago

People always throw these crazy thoughts out there like they'd be expressed in a vacuum where everything else is perfectly PC whenever 100% honesty comes up. The thing about honesty to others is, as you settle into it, you find that the emotions running around in your head even out and the way you express them becomes less nuts. You might be walking down the street with your girlfriend, and see a smoking hot girl come the other way. You turn to look, your girlfriend all but expects you to, she knows the kinds of girls you like because you've talked about it a dozen times before. She might tease you about it or mock being angry, but she's not going to fly off the handle just because you expressed a sexual interest in someone that's not her. Any more than you would on her.

learc83 12y ago
The few people I've met who operate with no filter or who profess to practice 100% honesty, come across as abrasive and unpleasant. How does 100% honesty work with people in authority over you, and what about unpopular opinions. I'd wager most of us hold at least one opinion that would make us social pariahs. If you tell your girlfriend about all the women you're attracted to, do you tell every attractive woman you meet that you're sexually attracted to her? I can't imagine that going over very well.
- forthefuture 12y ago
  Honesty isn't debilitating. You can still choose what you want to say.
  - learc83 12y ago
    If you choose what to say, then it's not 100% honesty is it. I have a family member who went through a time when he absolutely wouldn't tell a lie. Because of this, when he had information he didn't want other people to know, he would spend time going through complicated verbal gymnastics to avoid actually lying. When he was cheating on his diet, instead of telling his wife he was going to McDonald's, he'd try to slip out without her noticing. Then she'd notice and start asking him questions that he'd try to dodge. He made it look like he was cheating on her instead of his diet. The point is, you can be just as dishonest by not saying something. The 100% honesty thing is just ridiculous and impossible.
    - vinceguidry 12y ago
      That's just silly. Your family member was being dishonest, he just wasn't telling lies. He could have been perfectly honest. I'd just have said that I find sticking to the diet difficult and that I'm going to McDonalds. He didn't have to sneak around. He could have been honest about it, but chose not to. It's not ridiculous, it's not impossible. You won't get the knack of it overnight, but you can get it.
      - learc83 12y ago
        That story was just an example. You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. Everyone has thoughts and actions that they don't want made public--if you make up silly rules like "I'm never going to tell a lie", you'll eventually find yourself coming up with other ways to keep those thoughts and actions private.
        vinceguidry 12y ago
        > You're always going to have information that you don't want other people to know. There is no exception. If someone asks you something that you don't want to tell them, tell them you don't want to tell them that information. You do not have to be dishonest in order to not tell someone something, nor do you need silly rules. You can do that in an honest and straightforward fashion.
- vinceguidry 12y ago
  There's a difference between being 100% honest and having no filter. When I meet an attractive woman, I let it be known somehow that I find her attractive. I don't just stumble up to her and say "hi, you're so hot, wanna have sex?" I've found that there's a clear difference in the way I interact with women I feel attracted to and women I don't. I'm more playful, sometimes I'll even flirt if she seems receptive. If we're in a setting where that sort of interaction is more or less expected, like a bar, sure I'll tell her that I'm attracted to her. With authority and work, it's something you work on. Of course you don't want to tell your CEO that he's a fucking idiot when it comes to technology, but you don't want to be a doormat either. He's relying on your expertise, you need to be able to correct his incorrect views in an appropriate fashion. You can express displeasure but not disdain. You filter the expression of whatever emotion you're feeling, but you still express it. 100% honesty makes more demands on your amygdala than not having a filter. You have to become clearer about exactly what you're expressing and why. Precision when you're communicating negative emotions is paramount. You also have to be willing to apologize whenever you miscommunicate.
  - learc83 12y ago
    It sounds like by 100% honesty you mean: don't hide your emotions and go along with everything just to keep the peace, but make sure to express negative opinions tactfully, and keep thoughts that would cause too much trouble to yourself. To me that sounds a lot like acting like an ordinary mature adult. I don't think what you're expressing is what most people mean when they talk about 100% or radical honesty.
    - vinceguidry 12y ago
      I don't think most adults are mature, so I wouldn't call it ordinary. But it is still 100% being honest all the time. You still have a filter, but you're being honest about all the emotions you're feeling and what is motivating you to do any given thing. You can work to start to remove the filter too, this is called self-actualization. That's something different. I think you need to be 100% honest with yourself before you start removing your filter or it won't work and you'll end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater. 100% honesty is as much about knowing yourself as it is about not misleading others. Only once you understand yourself and your motivations can you start to experiment with just saying stuff that's on your mind without thinking about it first. The things you say will clue you in on deeper motivations that you can then work on being honest with yourself about.
saraid216 12y ago
> The thing about honesty to others is, as you settle into it, you find that the emotions running around in your head even out and the way you express them becomes less nuts. Except the thoughts being discussed aren't crazy because they're expressed in a crazy manner. They're crazy because their content is perceived as crazy. What you're actually talking about is that you get feedback and adapt your thoughts in response to that feedback, rather than responding to yourself in a self-reinforcing loop of imagination. It's just another form of self-censorship. It's, you know, a healthy and natural kind but it's not actually any different.

meric 12y ago

After meeting her sister, she asks, "So, what do you think of my sister?", and you cheekily reply, "Haha, She's pretty hot, I wouldn't mind fucking her, we could do a threesome.", and winks. Your girlfriend giggles and punches you in the arm.

learc83 12y ago
This keeps getting brought up, but I don't think it's at all realistic. The more likely scenario is that she reacts like the majority of women (and men) who aren't 100% self-confident, and starts a huge fight. Part of being an adult is learning not to voice inappropriate thoughts. Talking about sleeping with family members is definitely not appropriate. What if you found her mother attractive, or her grandmother? Would you say the same thing? If not, then you're still filtering yourself.