I know you're joking, but Wizard (http://www.wizardmac.com/ http://www.wizardmac.com/) for OS X is a really nice place to start before delving into SPSS, Stata,

I know you're joking, but Wizard (http://www.wizardmac.com/ http://www.wizardmac.com/) for OS X is a really nice place to start before delving into SPSS, Stata, and R.