When I feel bad for a while (a few weeks maybe) I often turn to meditation. When I do, I invariably notice that there's a weird background process in my head th

When I feel bad for a while (a few weeks maybe) I often turn to meditation. When I do, I invariably notice that there's a weird background process in my head that ambushes me with things I feel ashamed about on an almost predictable schedule. I'll be sitting there counting to 10 over and over, starting over at 1 if I notice I've become interrupted, then "Hey remember that time you got so drunk at a party that you threw up on your friend's living room?" I've started thinking of it as like my consciousness is a circular saw blade and there's this one bent-sideways tooth, like once a revolution it catches on something horrible in my past and drags it out and makes me look at it. It helps a little to recognize it, to be like, "oh yeah, this is the 10-minute self-shaming, right on schedule." But it doesn't help as much as, you know, that not happening.