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Something I read in Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell shocked me into reconsidering my role as a father. I'm not a big fan of that book in general, but I found a pe

by phugoid 17y ago

Something I read in Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell shocked me into reconsidering my role as a father. I'm not a big fan of that book in general, but I found a pearl in there. I used to think that I needed to set and enforce hard rules, as if this will teach my kids order. I don't want them to take the easy way out or try to negotiate everything. I thought my approach was a good balance to my wife's, as she doesn't assert much authority. According to a study mentioned in Outliers, my style of parenting is prevalent among the poorer social class, and it leads to a mindset of resignation. Wealthier parents listen more to their children, negotiate with them, and help them take their place in the adult world rather than just be quiet and follow the rules. This idea has connected a lot of dots for me, and I think I can be a better father than I have been.

JangoSteve 17y ago
Outliers has also recently made me think more seriously about the role of luck in an individual's overall success. It is amazing the role it plays. In fact, I'm really suprised that the book didn't mention Lord Timothy Dexter (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter), who is the epitome of success by luck. However, it hasn't changed my overall viewpoint that it is largely up to the person to continually position themselves such that they are receptive to luck. Another way to look at it is by stating the corollary... that the only certain path to failure is to not try.
xprincessxjulzx 17y ago
That's a very interesting observation about parenting. I can completely relate because my grandmother, who was raised by a wealthy, but very stern mother, is totally submissive, and has a "midset of resignation". On the other hand, I've always been able to negotiate with my parents and there was never much enforcement of the rules (I could guilt-trip my mother for anything I wanted--especially with some cold hard logic). I don't think a single person would describe me as having a mindset of resignation.
dstorrs 17y ago
Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't go too far in the opposite direction. Kids do want boundaries, and they are happier when they have them. Watching my 8-year-old nephew's behavior bears this out perfectly; when he's given lots of input into plans and opportunity to negotiate, he acts like a demon and ends up melting down and unhappy. When given rules he's a happy angel. I think the trick is to not open the floor to negotiation. If kids have reasonable objection or points you hadn't considered, they will raise the point and you can modify the rule. If they know that they are "negotiating" just to get their own way and that it won't work, they won't waste the time--and everyone will be happier. That's my experience, anyway.

by phugoid 17y ago

JangoSteve 17y ago

Outliers has also recently made me think more seriously about the role of luck in an individual's overall success. It is amazing the role it plays. In fact, I'm really suprised that the book didn't mention Lord Timothy Dexter (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter), who is the epitome of success by luck. However, it hasn't changed my overall viewpoint that it is largely up to the person to continually position themselves such that they are receptive to luck. Another way to look at it is by stating the corollary... that the only certain path to failure is to not try.

xprincessxjulzx 17y ago

That's a very interesting observation about parenting. I can completely relate because my grandmother, who was raised by a wealthy, but very stern mother, is totally submissive, and has a "midset of resignation". On the other hand, I've always been able to negotiate with my parents and there was never much enforcement of the rules (I could guilt-trip my mother for anything I wanted--especially with some cold hard logic). I don't think a single person would describe me as having a mindset of resignation.

dstorrs 17y ago

Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't go too far in the opposite direction. Kids do want boundaries, and they are happier when they have them. Watching my 8-year-old nephew's behavior bears this out perfectly; when he's given lots of input into plans and opportunity to negotiate, he acts like a demon and ends up melting down and unhappy. When given rules he's a happy angel. I think the trick is to not open the floor to negotiation. If kids have reasonable objection or points you hadn't considered, they will raise the point and you can modify the rule. If they know that they are "negotiating" just to get their own way and that it won't work, they won't waste the time--and everyone will be happier. That's my experience, anyway.