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Dude, you sound like you are just depressed. You can't read that much into things. We are surrounded by signals telling us how awesome other people are, becaus

Dude, you sound like you are just depressed. You can't read that much into things. We are surrounded by signals telling us how awesome other people are, because they show us what they are proud of, and only the coolest of that really get's seen. Second, remember the best companies hiring are still basically only a little better than 50/50 at predicting success after 18 months, and success isn't a simple thing. If you support developers they do a lot better then if you just throw them in the deep end, but still there are a bunch of factors, expectations, time demands etc. that can effect the perception of a programmer. Third, coding ability isn't a singular thing. It's a mixture of various talents, skills, and knowledges that each programmer has to a certain degree. But let's say that you are a shitty coder. The truth is, with all the talk of rockstar programmers who do 10x the work of the normal, most coders are not awesome, and most code isn't written by rockstars, and that code runs, and works, and ships/is put into production. There are people who will hire you, and there is work for you, engineering work, that is a valuable contribution to a company. This is a pretty good time to be in tech, and there are plenty of positions. Even if you lack innate talent, you can work to develop your skills and knowledges and become a better programmer. Or it's perfectly fine to do testing, automation, sys admin work, or take a management role. Still, I think you are probably selling yourself short, because you feel discouraged.

hoboon 12y ago
> and there is work for you, engineering work, that is a valuable contribution to a company. This is a pretty good time to be in tech, and there are plenty of positions. This just drives home how much of a loser I really am. I live in SF. I'm surrounded by it. > Or it's perfectly fine to do testing, automation, sys admin work, or take a management role. I think tech support or other stuff might be my only option. I'll take an internship if I have to but at the altitude of late-30s, it hits me harder that I've wasted many years. > Still, I think you are probably selling yourself short, because you feel discouraged. Or it's a fact. I have to lie from now on to sell myself. Thanks for the advice.
- scmoore 12y ago
  If you'll pardon my diagnosing you over the internet, you sound very depressed. I've been there and it's difficult to deal with, but not impossible. For one thing, you've got to take a step back and realize that you're distorting things quite a bit. For example -- "I have to lie ... to sell myself". You need to focus on your strengths, for sure, in an interview -- everyone does. But that's not the same as lying, and thinking of it that way is turning it into an all-or-nothing proposition. Either you are a perfect, all-knowing software deity, or you are a liar pretending to be competent while hoping not to be discovered. These kinds of all-or-nothing scenarios, and other distortions, are very easy to fall into when you're depressed. Or so I've read, and confirmed in myself and others diagnosed with depression. In any case I would suggest that your first step (as in, today) be to hunt up a therapist or psychiatrist. After all what is there to lose by doing so? It's a challenge in and of itself, so you might mentally make room for the possibility that it might take a few tries to find someone who gets you. Also http://devpressed.com/ http://devpressed.com/ might be worth a look. But this thread, and that site, should be in addition to talking to a mental health professional. I'm not a doctor, I think you should talk to one. Good luck, and if you want to talk, email me (in profile). EDIT: I see xaa has also recommended you talk to a professional. I'll echo some of their advice, particularly that part of the challenge is the same as most doctors -- you're going to have to be the expert on your own case. That doesn't mean you have to do everything alone, but you have to recognize that they're going to stick with a standard playbook, and you'll need to advocate for yourself and work to discover what works for you and what doesn't. Also agree that therapy/psychiatry isn't a cure -- it's a mental tool box. But it can be a very powerful one. Best of luck!

hoboon 12y ago

> and there is work for you, engineering work, that is a valuable contribution to a company. This is a pretty good time to be in tech, and there are plenty of positions. This just drives home how much of a loser I really am. I live in SF. I'm surrounded by it. > Or it's perfectly fine to do testing, automation, sys admin work, or take a management role. I think tech support or other stuff might be my only option. I'll take an internship if I have to but at the altitude of late-30s, it hits me harder that I've wasted many years. > Still, I think you are probably selling yourself short, because you feel discouraged. Or it's a fact. I have to lie from now on to sell myself. Thanks for the advice.

scmoore 12y ago
If you'll pardon my diagnosing you over the internet, you sound very depressed. I've been there and it's difficult to deal with, but not impossible. For one thing, you've got to take a step back and realize that you're distorting things quite a bit. For example -- "I have to lie ... to sell myself". You need to focus on your strengths, for sure, in an interview -- everyone does. But that's not the same as lying, and thinking of it that way is turning it into an all-or-nothing proposition. Either you are a perfect, all-knowing software deity, or you are a liar pretending to be competent while hoping not to be discovered. These kinds of all-or-nothing scenarios, and other distortions, are very easy to fall into when you're depressed. Or so I've read, and confirmed in myself and others diagnosed with depression. In any case I would suggest that your first step (as in, today) be to hunt up a therapist or psychiatrist. After all what is there to lose by doing so? It's a challenge in and of itself, so you might mentally make room for the possibility that it might take a few tries to find someone who gets you. Also http://devpressed.com/ http://devpressed.com/ might be worth a look. But this thread, and that site, should be in addition to talking to a mental health professional. I'm not a doctor, I think you should talk to one. Good luck, and if you want to talk, email me (in profile). EDIT: I see xaa has also recommended you talk to a professional. I'll echo some of their advice, particularly that part of the challenge is the same as most doctors -- you're going to have to be the expert on your own case. That doesn't mean you have to do everything alone, but you have to recognize that they're going to stick with a standard playbook, and you'll need to advocate for yourself and work to discover what works for you and what doesn't. Also agree that therapy/psychiatry isn't a cure -- it's a mental tool box. But it can be a very powerful one. Best of luck!