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> In 2014, I went on 45 first dates with guys I met on Coffee Meets Bagel or Hinge (but mostly CMB). I started using Hinge around October 2014, and I added it t

> In 2014, I went on 45 first dates with guys I met on Coffee Meets Bagel or Hinge (but mostly CMB). I started using Hinge around October 2014, and I added it to this analysis when I decided I needed more conversation data. This covers dates that happened between January 1st 2014 and December 30th 2014. I also went on a bunch of second dates, a handful of third dates, a smattering of fourth dates, and some past that. > The purpose of this analysis is to understand how to predict whether or not I’ll be compatible with someone based on his profile and the messages that he sends. One of the best online dating studies was published in Psychological Science in the Public Interest[1]. Its basic conclusion: online dating is great because it expands one's access to potential partners but the algorithms don't really work and the profile-based structure creates an "assessment mindset" that leads individuals to be more picky, judgmental and non-committal. When there's a bunch of new potential matches available every day, you don't have to accept the fact that nobody is perfect. The nice guy or gal you had dinner with last night might pale in comparison to the Mr. or Ms. Perfect who could be in today's batch. Ironically, the OP's experience demonstrates this dynamic more than it demonstrates merit to her own analysis. After 45 first dates, and what sounds like a reasonable number of second, third, fourth and n dates beyond that, the OP seems content to continue what she calls an "active dating life." [1] http://www.psychologicalscience.org/pdf/PSPI-online_dating-proof.pdf http://www.psychologicalscience.org/pdf/PSPI-online_dating-p...

GuiA 12y ago
The end goal of dating isn't to find a life long partner for everyone. Some people date to that end - great. Some other people are fine dating "casually", without the prospect of a longterm (possibly lifelong) relationship as the goal. In other words, they might enjoy the company of the nice guy/gal from dinner last night for a few weeks, and then move on to a next person whenever they feel like it. That's also fine (although it might not be fine ~for you~). Also the very concept of "dating" is very much tied to American culture, and one's perception of it (and its goals/effectiveness) will vary greatly depending on culture/religion/upbringing/etc. There's a version of you in a parallel universe brought up in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm, and you'd be posting in this thread about how ridiculous it is that one should date at all - your parents should pick your partner for you! (I've been in a monogamous relationship for the past ~3 years)
- 7Figures2Commas 12y ago
  Your point is completely valid, however, the challenge is expectations/intentions. It's one thing if both parties are seeking the same thing; it's another if they aren't. I would venture a guess that many times there are misalignments. In some cases, these may be conscious (somebody is looking for casual dating on a marriage-oriented site) while in others, they're unconscious (individuals believe they're looking for a serious relationship when in reality they aren't ready for one). Using the author of this post as an example, I wonder how well aligned her expectations and intentions were with those of her 45 first dates. Note that in one part of her post, the author refers to "meet[ing] someone" while in another part she refers to leading an "active dating life." Although you can obviously expect to meet multiple people before you meet someone with whom you want to start a monogamous relationship, these might be two different pursuits. The questions around expectations/intentions are even more intriguing in light of the fact that the author says almost all of her dates looked like their photos and that she didn't have "any especially bad CMB/Hinge dates."
nothrabannosir 12y ago
This is not immediately clear from your comment, yet worth point out: That is not necessarily a bad thing. People change, society changes, is it so surprising the dating scene would change with the advent of the internet? This is but a small step in the direction of Huxley's Brave New World, for example. Perhaps that's what you meant, perhaps I was too eager to find negativity in an objective post. My apologies.
aaronbrethorst 12y ago
Amusingly, the best result I've ever gotten from online dating (from CMB, as a matter of fact) was when it gave me an excuse to ask a woman I'd known for over ten years out on a date. It turned out we'd both been interested in each other basically forever, but never thought the other would be interested :)

GuiA 12y ago

The end goal of dating isn't to find a life long partner for everyone. Some people date to that end - great. Some other people are fine dating "casually", without the prospect of a longterm (possibly lifelong) relationship as the goal. In other words, they might enjoy the company of the nice guy/gal from dinner last night for a few weeks, and then move on to a next person whenever they feel like it. That's also fine (although it might not be fine ~for you~). Also the very concept of "dating" is very much tied to American culture, and one's perception of it (and its goals/effectiveness) will vary greatly depending on culture/religion/upbringing/etc. There's a version of you in a parallel universe brought up in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm, and you'd be posting in this thread about how ridiculous it is that one should date at all - your parents should pick your partner for you! (I've been in a monogamous relationship for the past ~3 years)

7Figures2Commas 12y ago
Your point is completely valid, however, the challenge is expectations/intentions. It's one thing if both parties are seeking the same thing; it's another if they aren't. I would venture a guess that many times there are misalignments. In some cases, these may be conscious (somebody is looking for casual dating on a marriage-oriented site) while in others, they're unconscious (individuals believe they're looking for a serious relationship when in reality they aren't ready for one). Using the author of this post as an example, I wonder how well aligned her expectations and intentions were with those of her 45 first dates. Note that in one part of her post, the author refers to "meet[ing] someone" while in another part she refers to leading an "active dating life." Although you can obviously expect to meet multiple people before you meet someone with whom you want to start a monogamous relationship, these might be two different pursuits. The questions around expectations/intentions are even more intriguing in light of the fact that the author says almost all of her dates looked like their photos and that she didn't have "any especially bad CMB/Hinge dates."

nothrabannosir 12y ago

This is not immediately clear from your comment, yet worth point out: That is not necessarily a bad thing. People change, society changes, is it so surprising the dating scene would change with the advent of the internet? This is but a small step in the direction of Huxley's Brave New World, for example. Perhaps that's what you meant, perhaps I was too eager to find negativity in an objective post. My apologies.

aaronbrethorst 12y ago

Amusingly, the best result I've ever gotten from online dating (from CMB, as a matter of fact) was when it gave me an excuse to ask a woman I'd known for over ten years out on a date. It turned out we'd both been interested in each other basically forever, but never thought the other would be interested :)