4 ms·

I just read No More Mr Nice Guy[1] and recommend it. I rarely agree 100% with everything in a book, and 90% of this book was spot-on for me. I'll try to summari

I just read No More Mr Nice Guy[1] and recommend it. I rarely agree 100% with everything in a book, and 90% of this book was spot-on for me. I'll try to summarize some of the advice from the book. * "Nice Guys" are pushovers because they weigh every action by what would make their lives the most conflict free. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary. * "Nice Guys" seek the approval of everyone around them, especially women, for every action they take. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary. * "Nice Guys" often hide the truth (of what they think, feel or have done) in order to avoid conflict. Instead, be honest, even if it's scary. * You, and nobody else, are responsible for meeting your needs. * It is healthy and OK to put your own needs first. * It is OK to ask people for help meeting your needs. * It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially. * We live in a world of abundance, and there is no need to be controlling and manipulative to try to keep what you already have. [1]: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438C...

rprospero 12y ago
> It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially. This is the bit that's never made sense to me. It has not been my experience that I respect people who stick to their guns more than I respect those who are flexible and willing to listen - quite the opposite. To put it differently, if someone is talking on their cell phone in the theatre and you ask them to stop, are you going to respect them more if they keep chatting through the rest of the film?
- rthomas6 12y ago
  Of course not. That's not really a boundary, that's just someone being an ass. I consider a boundary to be a personal limit that is decided ahead of time, which preferably is communicated ahead of time. An example would be if we look at the above situation from the theater's perspective. Imagine there are two theaters, both of which ask patrons to not talk on their cellphones. Someone starts talking on their phone anyway. Which theater would you respect more: One that reiterates the request until the patron finishes their conversation, but takes no action. One that kicks a patron out for breaking the rule, with 0 warnings. It's the second one, right? Because they enforce their boundaries. It's the same way with people... I respect people more when they say they're going to do something, and then they really do it. That's someone who is trustworthy and reliable. You may not agree with their decisions, but at least you know they have integrity. What kind of boss would you prefer to have? One that will stick to their guns about what they say, or one that won't? The one that sticks to their guns can be counted on to stick up for you when their boss tries to pull on over on your team. What kind of person's word would you take more seriously? What kind of person's words carry more weight and importance? It's someone who is willing to stand up for themselves and tell people "no" if needed.

rprospero 12y ago

> It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially. This is the bit that's never made sense to me. It has not been my experience that I respect people who stick to their guns more than I respect those who are flexible and willing to listen - quite the opposite. To put it differently, if someone is talking on their cell phone in the theatre and you ask them to stop, are you going to respect them more if they keep chatting through the rest of the film?

rthomas6 12y ago
Of course not. That's not really a boundary, that's just someone being an ass. I consider a boundary to be a personal limit that is decided ahead of time, which preferably is communicated ahead of time. An example would be if we look at the above situation from the theater's perspective. Imagine there are two theaters, both of which ask patrons to not talk on their cellphones. Someone starts talking on their phone anyway. Which theater would you respect more: One that reiterates the request until the patron finishes their conversation, but takes no action. One that kicks a patron out for breaking the rule, with 0 warnings. It's the second one, right? Because they enforce their boundaries. It's the same way with people... I respect people more when they say they're going to do something, and then they really do it. That's someone who is trustworthy and reliable. You may not agree with their decisions, but at least you know they have integrity. What kind of boss would you prefer to have? One that will stick to their guns about what they say, or one that won't? The one that sticks to their guns can be counted on to stick up for you when their boss tries to pull on over on your team. What kind of person's word would you take more seriously? What kind of person's words carry more weight and importance? It's someone who is willing to stand up for themselves and tell people "no" if needed.