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I'm not a fan of negativity in hn comments, but some things just have to be said: You and your wife put in "a lot of effort" into understanding how to raise suc

I'm not a fan of negativity in hn comments, but some things just have to be said: You and your wife put in "a lot of effort" into understanding how to raise successful children and all you came up with was these three platitudes? "Be rich, well connected and don't beat them". What would you have come up with if you had put in only a little effort? "Don't kill them"? You have to have learned more from your analysis. Everything you said was clearly correct, and the obvious does need to be stated from time to time. But is there anything else you've learned in your years of experience, something that wasn't evident in the article? How involved should you be in their lives, how do you make the tough calls between extracurriculars, what is the right amount of "balance"? Of all the books and blogs you read, what ideas seemed on target and which were dangerously misleading? Is there a well known parenting role model you've tried to be like? Not expecting answers to these questions, but maybe something closer to this level of specificity. Wealthy, well connected parents aren't the ones who need help. It's the rest of us with modest incomes and friends in low places who need the tricks and tips. "Don't be poor and be in the right social groups" is the best advice you could give to a startup founder or an aspiring actress or to anyone trying to do anything, and I understand that having the right resources before you begin an endeavor is at least 80% of success. But at least 80% of people don't have access to the right resources and have to make do with what they have, and I was hoping for advice that could be more helpful to them.

tootie 12y ago
I'm with AndrewKemendo honestly. Making sure your kids are set financially and make connections will set them up for success. I find that I'm almost never enforcing behavior with my kids. They already act like me and wife because that's genetics. Which brings up one more thing which is to marry well. 90% of child rearing is preparation.
- marincounty 12y ago
  "They already act like me and wife because that's genetics." Don't underestimate B.F Skinner and Behaviorism? As to "marry well"--let's see how that one pans out. I know what you mean, but true love is blind. Growing up in Marin County; I found it hard to love the rich ones. I tried many a times, but they were different, and I could never just overlook my lack of love for money. I actually was always drawn to the middle and poor class? I used to think it was envy, or I assumed rich kids were shallow? I don't know why I couldn't marry for money, but their was something they(wealthy kids) all lacked, and to this day I'm not sure exactly what it is?
  - tootie 12y ago
    I don't just mean to marry someone rich. I mean, marry someone who you trust to provide 50% of your child's DNA. If you marry someone attractive and dumb, you're going to get dumb kids. If you marry someone with a history of mental illness, expect your kids to be at risk for the same. If you marry a jerk because they're rich, your kids will be rich jerks too. Posted today on reddit: https://np.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/2saxn1/my_wife_is_an_antivaxxer_and_we_have_two_young/ https://np.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/2saxn1/my_wife_is... This is what happens when you look past your partner's foibles because you love them.
    - AndrewKemendo 12y ago
      I wouldn't so readily dismiss attractiveness and outcomes: In support of implicit personality theory, attractive individuals were found to fare better than unattractive individuals in terms of a number of such outcomes http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-6570.2003.tb00157.x/abstract http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-6570.2003....
AndrewKemendo 12y ago
The good thing about a lot of study and thinking is that if you do it correctly, sometimes the results are strikingly simple when explained. There is also quite a bit of simplification there, if only just to make the point easier. The reason I came away with those three things is that for the most part when you dissect a lot of case studies what you find is that parental involvement isn't actually that impactful so long as those three guidelines hold. Yes more involvement with your children is better, as we see with studies about language acquisition. In those cases however what was found was that the reason that parents were talking to their infants and toddlers more was because they had the time to and were not working or putting them in front of a television (in some cases bordering on neglect). The same held true for physical ailments like later in life issues with hypertension and diabetes from low nutritional diets. All of their root causes were poverty and almost always related was poor maternal education. The simple answer to your question though is, the rest of those things don't make nearly as much impact, by magnitudes as the big three. So focusing on getting those things right is really crucial. The rest are just kind of window dressing and honestly, largely just make parents feel like they are having a big impact. But at least 80% of people don't have access to the right resources and have to make do with what they have, and I was hoping for advice that could be more helpful to them. I think the right advice is do whatever it takes to get out of poverty and into a more traditionally successful "class" without beating your kids along the way. If you had a modest income then start networking with chamber of commerce members and other community leaders. Attend hackathons to expose your kids to people who are going to be successful etc... It's not that obtuse of a thing to figure out how to apply I don't think. [1]http://www.zerotothree.org/ http://www.zerotothree.org/ [2]http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=207292639 http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=2072926... [2]http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3052975/ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3052975/ [3]http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/2781682?sid=21105615840973&uid=4&uid=3739704&uid=2&uid=3739256 http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/2781682?sid=2110561584... [4]http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/10/the-power-of-talking-to-your-baby/?_r=0 http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/10/the-power-of... etc...

tootie 12y ago

I'm with AndrewKemendo honestly. Making sure your kids are set financially and make connections will set them up for success. I find that I'm almost never enforcing behavior with my kids. They already act like me and wife because that's genetics. Which brings up one more thing which is to marry well. 90% of child rearing is preparation.

marincounty 12y ago
"They already act like me and wife because that's genetics." Don't underestimate B.F Skinner and Behaviorism? As to "marry well"--let's see how that one pans out. I know what you mean, but true love is blind. Growing up in Marin County; I found it hard to love the rich ones. I tried many a times, but they were different, and I could never just overlook my lack of love for money. I actually was always drawn to the middle and poor class? I used to think it was envy, or I assumed rich kids were shallow? I don't know why I couldn't marry for money, but their was something they(wealthy kids) all lacked, and to this day I'm not sure exactly what it is?
- tootie 12y ago
  I don't just mean to marry someone rich. I mean, marry someone who you trust to provide 50% of your child's DNA. If you marry someone attractive and dumb, you're going to get dumb kids. If you marry someone with a history of mental illness, expect your kids to be at risk for the same. If you marry a jerk because they're rich, your kids will be rich jerks too. Posted today on reddit: https://np.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/2saxn1/my_wife_is_an_antivaxxer_and_we_have_two_young/ https://np.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/2saxn1/my_wife_is... This is what happens when you look past your partner's foibles because you love them.
  - AndrewKemendo 12y ago
    I wouldn't so readily dismiss attractiveness and outcomes: In support of implicit personality theory, attractive individuals were found to fare better than unattractive individuals in terms of a number of such outcomes http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-6570.2003.tb00157.x/abstract http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-6570.2003....

AndrewKemendo 12y ago

The good thing about a lot of study and thinking is that if you do it correctly, sometimes the results are strikingly simple when explained. There is also quite a bit of simplification there, if only just to make the point easier. The reason I came away with those three things is that for the most part when you dissect a lot of case studies what you find is that parental involvement isn't actually that impactful so long as those three guidelines hold. Yes more involvement with your children is better, as we see with studies about language acquisition. In those cases however what was found was that the reason that parents were talking to their infants and toddlers more was because they had the time to and were not working or putting them in front of a television (in some cases bordering on neglect). The same held true for physical ailments like later in life issues with hypertension and diabetes from low nutritional diets. All of their root causes were poverty and almost always related was poor maternal education. The simple answer to your question though is, the rest of those things don't make nearly as much impact, by magnitudes as the big three. So focusing on getting those things right is really crucial. The rest are just kind of window dressing and honestly, largely just make parents feel like they are having a big impact. But at least 80% of people don't have access to the right resources and have to make do with what they have, and I was hoping for advice that could be more helpful to them. I think the right advice is do whatever it takes to get out of poverty and into a more traditionally successful "class" without beating your kids along the way. If you had a modest income then start networking with chamber of commerce members and other community leaders. Attend hackathons to expose your kids to people who are going to be successful etc... It's not that obtuse of a thing to figure out how to apply I don't think. [1]http://www.zerotothree.org/ http://www.zerotothree.org/ [2]http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=207292639 http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=2072926... [2]http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3052975/ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3052975/ [3]http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/2781682?sid=21105615840973&uid=4&uid=3739704&uid=2&uid=3739256 http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/2781682?sid=2110561584... [4]http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/10/the-power-of-talking-to-your-baby/?_r=0 http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/10/the-power-of... etc...