9 ms·

Confessions of a mortician

127 points by uam 12y ago

jgmmo 12y ago
Interesting article; no doubt there are some interesting things to learn about death from a mortician - however this article felt way too long.
- quizotic 12y ago
  Funny. Poignant. A little scary. A little gross. Eye opening (a la the Matrix). That's a lot of value for a 10-minute read.
  - MaxGabriel 12y ago
    In fairness to jgmmo, Medium.com estimates it's a 25-minute read. You can see their estimate at the top right of each article.
    - jgmmo 12y ago
      I did not even know about this feature; thanks for the tip.
- asveikau 12y ago
  I assume your complaint about the article length is that life is short, time is fleeting, and the 20 minutes you'd spend reading the article can be better put to seizing the day. Carpe diem!
bcx 12y ago
I thought the article was interesting, especially the author's fear of nonexistence. I know I'd much rather think of more pleasant things. I wonder if the dearth of comments here is due to a general uncomfortableness with nonexistence. A nice reminder that we should all be doing what we love.
- mgkimsal 12y ago
  Might also be that it's saturday night/sunday morning, and not many people are 'on' right now?
- ams6110 12y ago
  A huge number of people don't believe that after death is "nonexistence" and therefore do not fear it.
  - industriousthou 12y ago
    Hmmm... I guess we can never know the hearts of men, but it seems like many people state that they don't fear death because of a belief in the afterlife, but the vast majority of people seem to behave as though they do actually fear it. Similarly, the religious often talk about how they're "not really saying goodbye," yet they seem to grieve as though they really are saying goodbye forever. Not judging or anything, losing a loved one hurts and people need ways to cope. Still, people's stated beliefs often seem at odds with their actions. Edit: a word.
jwise0 12y ago
For those of you who liked reading this, I (tangentially) recommend Irvin Yalom's book, "Love's Executioner" [1]. Irvin Yalom is a truly talented writer and a very talented psychotherapist; in this book (and, really, in his work), he focuses on how he and his patients grapple with death. I have a copy on my shelf that I read from time to time, and I can't recommend it highly enough. [1] http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Executioner-Other-Tales-Psychotherapy/dp/0465020119 http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Executioner-Other-Tales-Psychoth...
rdtsc 12y ago
Some 10 or so years back HBO had the Six Feet Under show. It was centered around a funeral home family business. But it was a pretty good show all around. Highly recommended.
- thret 12y ago
  Yes, and I can assure you that you are in safe hands. Six Feet Under has one of the most satisfying endings to a TV series I've ever seen. You may cry (manly tears) but you will not be disappointed.
- mabbo 12y ago
  I've never seen any of it, but I do know it was a real jumping point for Michael C. Hall, who went on to star in "Dexter". I just know I'm going to have a hard time not being freaked out by his character being semi-normal.
  - thret 12y ago
    He still talks to dead people if that helps! His brother in the show, Peter Krause went on to star in Parenthood. Parenthood grows on you, I originally started watching it for Lauren Graham but it's become one of my favourites.
thret 12y ago
"The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. Although the two are identical twins, man, as a rule, views the prenatal abyss with more calm than the one he is heading for (at some forty-five hundred heartbeats an hour)." - Vladimir Nabokov
aantix 12y ago
For those who are uncomfortable with the notion of dying, I recommend the book "Staring at the Sun". Irvin D. Yalom, a therapist gives his views on death from counseling terminally ill patients.
- Jach 12y ago
  I'd recommend the book/pamphlet Death is Wrong by Gennady Stolyarov. (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615932045/ http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615932045/)
nickgrosvenor 12y ago
Hacker News is one of the few places where the Comments to an article are supplementary and constructive. I almost got more from your comments than the article.
- unimpressive 12y ago
  I don't want to be mean, but you adding this one is not exactly contributing to that.
drdeadringer 12y ago
Recently I heard the woman behind "Order of the Good Death" on Fresh Air, who also has the "Ask A Mortician" channel on Youtube. It helps when I'm in the beginning of writing my will and directives -- 'cause I expect to die sometime, hopefully later than sooner.
christiangenco 12y ago
The raw terror of the inevitability of death without comfort of distraction or mental illusion — "fleshing," as Puchner describes it — was brilliantly captured here in a way I've never before heard or read expressed by another person. It's relieving, in a way, to know that I'm not the only human to chronically go through it. I especially enjoyed his comment on the difficulties of erecting a comforting fantasy of an afterlife: > I’ve endeavored, in my weakest moments, to believe in heaven — or at least some vague, harpless afterlife my brain won’t snicker at. But I’m still pretty much paralyzed with fear. It's a curse, in a way, to have (be?) a brain trained to recognize and solve problems, optimize expected outcome, and see through bullshit when the popular solution to existential debilitating dread — religion — crumbles at the slightest analysis. Ignorance is bliss, to add to Puchner's ostensibly empty bromides. That said, I've personally found that two core ideas can consistently keep me grounded (even in fits of hypercritical 4 a.m. breathless terrors): 1. I'm conscious, which is fundamentally the only thing I can really be sure of. For consciousness to arise in a completely material universe is so outside of any scientific understanding (at least currently) that there may very well be room for a kind of immortality. If consciousness is the universe experiencing itself (to borrow from Alan Watts), perhaps life is just a temporary segmentation of a tiny piece of eternal consciousness that will later be rejoined. 2. If you're reading this (ie: enjoying the temporary luxury of life), you've got a fair chance of living considerably longer than any human that has ever existed (Kurzweil et al.). It's possible that unbounded mortality could be achieved within your lifetime. This presents a new problem: the inevitable heat death of the universe (I realize the irony of immediately complaining about a lifespan that has reached eons, but it would still be a finite existence), but it's possible that there are areas of physics that have yet to be discovered that would permit hopping to a new one. I write this precisely three weeks before getting married to the most wonderful, caring, talented, driven, intelligent, and just generally enjoyable companions I could have imagined spending my life with. I think this event has resurfaced these previously successfully buried distresses: when you have more, you have more to lose. I'm reminded of the "4EVER YOURS" story from this year's Valentines Day Google Doodle[1] that really hits me hard: > "This will end someday...someday, one of us will die, then the other will die, but we have now." The mental tricks are nice for when I'm in a moment of weakness, but there is something starkly beautiful and painfully focusing about the possibility that this could be it. That every time I hold her hand, every adventure we take together, and every late night goofy conversation is limited. It's a clear and constant reminder to really make these cherished moments count, though I wish with every fiber of my existence that I could make them last forever. 1. http://www.google.com/doodles/valentines-day-2014-us http://www.google.com/doodles/valentines-day-2014-us
thelettere 12y ago
Much of what we do every day is motivated by a fear of death. This is a well established psychological fact (supported by over 500 studies), yet ironically few are aware of it. It goes by the name of "Terror Management Theory" and a decent review is here: https://www.uni-ulm.de/fileadmin/website_uni_ulm/iui.inst.160/Psychologie/Sozialpsychologie/19_Greenberg_Arndt_Terror_Management_Theory.pdf https://www.uni-ulm.de/fileadmin/website_uni_ulm/iui.inst.16... Interesting to note how difficult it was for them to get their idea taken seriously. Let that teach us to beware over-valuing our contemporaries opinions. Note: a more recent review that's harder to get full text is here: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2215091914000042 http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2215091914...
- maratd 12y ago
  > Much of what we do every day is motivated by a fear of death. Everything we do is motivated by reproduction. Avoidance of death increases the probability of it.
petercooper 12y ago
Being one to get distracted by irrelevant details, I wondered why the "CHECK FOR PACEMAKER" sign was so prominent in one of the pictures. It turns out pacemakers causing explosions in cremator furnaces is a major problem, in some cases damaging the cremator entirely or injuring staff: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1279940/ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1279940/
- broseph 12y ago
  The article discusses this in its very first paragraph.
kweinber 12y ago
I work in the industry and there are two things that helped me through my feelings of internal dread. 1) Becker's "The Denial Of Death" is an incredible summary of Otto Rank's psychoanalytic work, explains Freud"s fallibility and explains more about human motivations in life and death (from corporations to cults, from fetuses to fetishes) than any book I've ever read. 2) A colleague once told me "life is like cake". I immediately asked him to stop because it sounded banal, but he continued with something like this: Don't waste the enjoyment of eating cake by worrying that you can't eat it forever. Just because it doesnt last forever doesn't mean you shouldnt ennoy it (just tbe opposite) . Things weren't so bad before you had the cake... and when you've finished yours, who knows, maybe you'll get to have cake another time later.. I probably butchered it and who knows where he got that from, but I found it much more motivating and comforting than carpe diem.

127 points by uam 12y ago

jgmmo 12y ago

Interesting article; no doubt there are some interesting things to learn about death from a mortician - however this article felt way too long.

quizotic 12y ago
Funny. Poignant. A little scary. A little gross. Eye opening (a la the Matrix). That's a lot of value for a 10-minute read.
- MaxGabriel 12y ago
  In fairness to jgmmo, Medium.com estimates it's a 25-minute read. You can see their estimate at the top right of each article.
  - jgmmo 12y ago
    I did not even know about this feature; thanks for the tip.
asveikau 12y ago
I assume your complaint about the article length is that life is short, time is fleeting, and the 20 minutes you'd spend reading the article can be better put to seizing the day. Carpe diem!

bcx 12y ago

I thought the article was interesting, especially the author's fear of nonexistence. I know I'd much rather think of more pleasant things. I wonder if the dearth of comments here is due to a general uncomfortableness with nonexistence. A nice reminder that we should all be doing what we love.

mgkimsal 12y ago
Might also be that it's saturday night/sunday morning, and not many people are 'on' right now?
ams6110 12y ago
A huge number of people don't believe that after death is "nonexistence" and therefore do not fear it.
- industriousthou 12y ago
  Hmmm... I guess we can never know the hearts of men, but it seems like many people state that they don't fear death because of a belief in the afterlife, but the vast majority of people seem to behave as though they do actually fear it. Similarly, the religious often talk about how they're "not really saying goodbye," yet they seem to grieve as though they really are saying goodbye forever. Not judging or anything, losing a loved one hurts and people need ways to cope. Still, people's stated beliefs often seem at odds with their actions. Edit: a word.

jwise0 12y ago

For those of you who liked reading this, I (tangentially) recommend Irvin Yalom's book, "Love's Executioner" [1]. Irvin Yalom is a truly talented writer and a very talented psychotherapist; in this book (and, really, in his work), he focuses on how he and his patients grapple with death. I have a copy on my shelf that I read from time to time, and I can't recommend it highly enough. [1] http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Executioner-Other-Tales-Psychotherapy/dp/0465020119 http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Executioner-Other-Tales-Psychoth...

rdtsc 12y ago

Some 10 or so years back HBO had the Six Feet Under show. It was centered around a funeral home family business. But it was a pretty good show all around. Highly recommended.

thret 12y ago
Yes, and I can assure you that you are in safe hands. Six Feet Under has one of the most satisfying endings to a TV series I've ever seen. You may cry (manly tears) but you will not be disappointed.
mabbo 12y ago
I've never seen any of it, but I do know it was a real jumping point for Michael C. Hall, who went on to star in "Dexter". I just know I'm going to have a hard time not being freaked out by his character being semi-normal.
- thret 12y ago
  He still talks to dead people if that helps! His brother in the show, Peter Krause went on to star in Parenthood. Parenthood grows on you, I originally started watching it for Lauren Graham but it's become one of my favourites.

thret 12y ago

"The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. Although the two are identical twins, man, as a rule, views the prenatal abyss with more calm than the one he is heading for (at some forty-five hundred heartbeats an hour)." - Vladimir Nabokov

aantix 12y ago

For those who are uncomfortable with the notion of dying, I recommend the book "Staring at the Sun". Irvin D. Yalom, a therapist gives his views on death from counseling terminally ill patients.

Jach 12y ago
I'd recommend the book/pamphlet Death is Wrong by Gennady Stolyarov. (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615932045/ http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615932045/)

nickgrosvenor 12y ago

Hacker News is one of the few places where the Comments to an article are supplementary and constructive. I almost got more from your comments than the article.

unimpressive 12y ago
I don't want to be mean, but you adding this one is not exactly contributing to that.

drdeadringer 12y ago

Recently I heard the woman behind "Order of the Good Death" on Fresh Air, who also has the "Ask A Mortician" channel on Youtube. It helps when I'm in the beginning of writing my will and directives -- 'cause I expect to die sometime, hopefully later than sooner.

christiangenco 12y ago

The raw terror of the inevitability of death without comfort of distraction or mental illusion — "fleshing," as Puchner describes it — was brilliantly captured here in a way I've never before heard or read expressed by another person. It's relieving, in a way, to know that I'm not the only human to chronically go through it. I especially enjoyed his comment on the difficulties of erecting a comforting fantasy of an afterlife: > I’ve endeavored, in my weakest moments, to believe in heaven — or at least some vague, harpless afterlife my brain won’t snicker at. But I’m still pretty much paralyzed with fear. It's a curse, in a way, to have (be?) a brain trained to recognize and solve problems, optimize expected outcome, and see through bullshit when the popular solution to existential debilitating dread — religion — crumbles at the slightest analysis. Ignorance is bliss, to add to Puchner's ostensibly empty bromides. That said, I've personally found that two core ideas can consistently keep me grounded (even in fits of hypercritical 4 a.m. breathless terrors): 1. I'm conscious, which is fundamentally the only thing I can really be sure of. For consciousness to arise in a completely material universe is so outside of any scientific understanding (at least currently) that there may very well be room for a kind of immortality. If consciousness is the universe experiencing itself (to borrow from Alan Watts), perhaps life is just a temporary segmentation of a tiny piece of eternal consciousness that will later be rejoined. 2. If you're reading this (ie: enjoying the temporary luxury of life), you've got a fair chance of living considerably longer than any human that has ever existed (Kurzweil et al.). It's possible that unbounded mortality could be achieved within your lifetime. This presents a new problem: the inevitable heat death of the universe (I realize the irony of immediately complaining about a lifespan that has reached eons, but it would still be a finite existence), but it's possible that there are areas of physics that have yet to be discovered that would permit hopping to a new one. I write this precisely three weeks before getting married to the most wonderful, caring, talented, driven, intelligent, and just generally enjoyable companions I could have imagined spending my life with. I think this event has resurfaced these previously successfully buried distresses: when you have more, you have more to lose. I'm reminded of the "4EVER YOURS" story from this year's Valentines Day Google Doodle[1] that really hits me hard: > "This will end someday...someday, one of us will die, then the other will die, but we have now." The mental tricks are nice for when I'm in a moment of weakness, but there is something starkly beautiful and painfully focusing about the possibility that this could be it. That every time I hold her hand, every adventure we take together, and every late night goofy conversation is limited. It's a clear and constant reminder to really make these cherished moments count, though I wish with every fiber of my existence that I could make them last forever. 1. http://www.google.com/doodles/valentines-day-2014-us http://www.google.com/doodles/valentines-day-2014-us

thelettere 12y ago

Much of what we do every day is motivated by a fear of death. This is a well established psychological fact (supported by over 500 studies), yet ironically few are aware of it. It goes by the name of "Terror Management Theory" and a decent review is here: https://www.uni-ulm.de/fileadmin/website_uni_ulm/iui.inst.160/Psychologie/Sozialpsychologie/19_Greenberg_Arndt_Terror_Management_Theory.pdf https://www.uni-ulm.de/fileadmin/website_uni_ulm/iui.inst.16... Interesting to note how difficult it was for them to get their idea taken seriously. Let that teach us to beware over-valuing our contemporaries opinions. Note: a more recent review that's harder to get full text is here: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2215091914000042 http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2215091914...

maratd 12y ago
> Much of what we do every day is motivated by a fear of death. Everything we do is motivated by reproduction. Avoidance of death increases the probability of it.

petercooper 12y ago

Being one to get distracted by irrelevant details, I wondered why the "CHECK FOR PACEMAKER" sign was so prominent in one of the pictures. It turns out pacemakers causing explosions in cremator furnaces is a major problem, in some cases damaging the cremator entirely or injuring staff: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1279940/ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1279940/

broseph 12y ago
The article discusses this in its very first paragraph.

kweinber 12y ago

I work in the industry and there are two things that helped me through my feelings of internal dread. 1) Becker's "The Denial Of Death" is an incredible summary of Otto Rank's psychoanalytic work, explains Freud"s fallibility and explains more about human motivations in life and death (from corporations to cults, from fetuses to fetishes) than any book I've ever read. 2) A colleague once told me "life is like cake". I immediately asked him to stop because it sounded banal, but he continued with something like this: Don't waste the enjoyment of eating cake by worrying that you can't eat it forever. Just because it doesnt last forever doesn't mean you shouldnt ennoy it (just tbe opposite) . Things weren't so bad before you had the cake... and when you've finished yours, who knows, maybe you'll get to have cake another time later.. I probably butchered it and who knows where he got that from, but I found it much more motivating and comforting than carpe diem.