4 ms·

It must be nice having friends. I don't have friends in the sense that I do things together socially with them. I have acquaintances.

by _RPM 12y ago

notduncansmith 12y ago
I know the feeling. The only friends of mine that I'd choose to spend time with outside of work... I know from work.
- jacalata 12y ago
  So...have you tried asking them if they want to do something outside work?
  - notduncansmith 12y ago
    Yes, we do stuff outside work somewhat often. Sorry, that comment was poorly-worded.
bequanna 12y ago
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but how many friends you do or don't have is entirely up to you. I'm an introvert and it is tough meeting people. I'm not saying it is easy to move out of your comfort zone, but it is necessary. If you want to be more social and have more friends, then make conscious effort be more social and make more friends.
- fixedd 12y ago
  ... says the non-married person who doesn't have full-time kids.
  - im2w1l 12y ago
    Become friends with your kids' friends' parents.
  - bequanna 12y ago
    For the record, I am happily married with no kids. Just to be clear, both of those things are choices one makes, not excuses to be made.
    - fixedd 12y ago
      I don't know why I was being quite so aggressive when I wrote that. I'm sorry... I think I was taking frustration out on you when you had nothing to do with it. I still disagree with the assertion that "how many friends you do or don't have is entirely up to you". It may be true in some extremely narrow sense, but if it came down to it how many people would give up the spouse they love because they were the problem, or their children because they were, or drop everything and move to where people were more similar to themselves?
- Dewie 12y ago
  > I'm not trying to be a jerk, but how many friends you do or don't have is entirely up to you. Right, because someone with no friends probably have never thought or believed that it is their own fault for being shy/uninteresting/boring (and that they're shy/uninteresting/boring in part because ... they have no friends). It has probably never crossed their mind at all. > I'm an introvert and it is tough meeting people. I'm not saying it is easy to move out of your comfort zone, but it is necessary. If you want to be more social and have more friends, then make conscious effort be more social and make more friends. In order to be social, you need to try to be social. Right.
  - joncrocks 12y ago
    I think what he's saying (which I kinda agree with) is that you have to treat it as actually something that you have to work at, rather than it coming naturally. So he's not saying that you 'have to try and be social', he's saying 'work at it'. That means doing things that you may not want to do right now, to pay-off later.
    - Dewie 12y ago
      > I think what he's saying (which I kinda agree with) is that you have to treat it as actually something that you have to work at, rather than it coming naturally. Who believes that there are any alternatives? Shy people and people with social anxiety (etc.) don't have a reputation for spontaneously becoming outgoing and so on.
makmanalp 12y ago
I've thought a lot about friendships in general, and I don't have time to write all that, but I think it boils down to these: There's (not always, but) often a tangible point where my acquaintances tend to turn into friends. It's usually some bonding experience. We stayed up all night and did X. We drank together and had a heart to heart. We both love doing Y and spent a lot of time doing that. We travelled together. We suffered through college classes. We spent weekends hanging out together. We spent years talking on IRC. Often there's also some something about level of trust. Someone reveals something about themselves. They talk about something personal that they normally wouldn't. Etc. Absent either of those, my acquaintances tend to stay acquaintances. On the flipside, I've found that keeping around people who don't value you, don't have your best interests at heart or intentionally cause you to feel bad in any way is just a bad idea. Wanting to become better friends doesn't make it so. It's a two sided thing. Really, I love most of my friends and I'd sacrifice much for them, so when it comes to people like this, I don't have time for that shit. I have a relatively small number of close friends, and I don't get to spend time with all of them all the time. And as time passes and life happens, friendships form and fade (and I find that the good ones can kickstart right back - even years later.) All that is fine and natural. It's really about mutual happiness, fun and sharing, and the rest doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be complicated. Hope this helps!
- malone 12y ago
  Thank you for writing that. I'm going through a rough patch at the moment and you've really given me a moment of clarity. I've realized that there is at least one person in my life that I should be considering a friend which I didn't previously, and one friend who I should really downgrade to an acquaintance. If you ever find the time to write down more of your thoughts about friendships I'd definitely be interested in reading them. I struggle to make new friends. The standard advice seems to be to go to meetups, do volunteering, and join sports clubs. I've tried those and can't get them to work for me. There's something more to it than just being in attendance. I think you're definitely right about that tangible point where things change, and I never manage to quite get there. I don't know if that tipping point is something you can instigate or if you just have to leave it to chance.
jmnicolas 12y ago
Well this is the problem of about 90% of the geek population : having the skills to understand machines / code leave you with less brain power for social interactions. For me it would not be a problem if I could just resolve the female companionship problem (or lack thereof). I'm not even shy, it just seems that if I don't pay them women tend to ignore me ...
- astrange 12y ago
  Start picking up and putting down heavy objects and remember to do something with your hair in the morning.

It must be nice having friends. I don't have friends in the sense that I do things together socially with them. I have acquaintances.

by _RPM 12y ago

It must be nice having friends. I don't have friends in the sense that I do things together socially with them. I have acquaintances.

notduncansmith 12y ago

I know the feeling. The only friends of mine that I'd choose to spend time with outside of work... I know from work.

jacalata 12y ago
So...have you tried asking them if they want to do something outside work?
- notduncansmith 12y ago
  Yes, we do stuff outside work somewhat often. Sorry, that comment was poorly-worded.

bequanna 12y ago

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but how many friends you do or don't have is entirely up to you. I'm an introvert and it is tough meeting people. I'm not saying it is easy to move out of your comfort zone, but it is necessary. If you want to be more social and have more friends, then make conscious effort be more social and make more friends.

fixedd 12y ago
... says the non-married person who doesn't have full-time kids.
- im2w1l 12y ago
  Become friends with your kids' friends' parents.
- bequanna 12y ago
  For the record, I am happily married with no kids. Just to be clear, both of those things are choices one makes, not excuses to be made.
  - fixedd 12y ago
    I don't know why I was being quite so aggressive when I wrote that. I'm sorry... I think I was taking frustration out on you when you had nothing to do with it. I still disagree with the assertion that "how many friends you do or don't have is entirely up to you". It may be true in some extremely narrow sense, but if it came down to it how many people would give up the spouse they love because they were the problem, or their children because they were, or drop everything and move to where people were more similar to themselves?
Dewie 12y ago
> I'm not trying to be a jerk, but how many friends you do or don't have is entirely up to you. Right, because someone with no friends probably have never thought or believed that it is their own fault for being shy/uninteresting/boring (and that they're shy/uninteresting/boring in part because ... they have no friends). It has probably never crossed their mind at all. > I'm an introvert and it is tough meeting people. I'm not saying it is easy to move out of your comfort zone, but it is necessary. If you want to be more social and have more friends, then make conscious effort be more social and make more friends. In order to be social, you need to try to be social. Right.
- joncrocks 12y ago
  I think what he's saying (which I kinda agree with) is that you have to treat it as actually something that you have to work at, rather than it coming naturally. So he's not saying that you 'have to try and be social', he's saying 'work at it'. That means doing things that you may not want to do right now, to pay-off later.
  - Dewie 12y ago
    > I think what he's saying (which I kinda agree with) is that you have to treat it as actually something that you have to work at, rather than it coming naturally. Who believes that there are any alternatives? Shy people and people with social anxiety (etc.) don't have a reputation for spontaneously becoming outgoing and so on.

makmanalp 12y ago

I've thought a lot about friendships in general, and I don't have time to write all that, but I think it boils down to these: There's (not always, but) often a tangible point where my acquaintances tend to turn into friends. It's usually some bonding experience. We stayed up all night and did X. We drank together and had a heart to heart. We both love doing Y and spent a lot of time doing that. We travelled together. We suffered through college classes. We spent weekends hanging out together. We spent years talking on IRC. Often there's also some something about level of trust. Someone reveals something about themselves. They talk about something personal that they normally wouldn't. Etc. Absent either of those, my acquaintances tend to stay acquaintances. On the flipside, I've found that keeping around people who don't value you, don't have your best interests at heart or intentionally cause you to feel bad in any way is just a bad idea. Wanting to become better friends doesn't make it so. It's a two sided thing. Really, I love most of my friends and I'd sacrifice much for them, so when it comes to people like this, I don't have time for that shit. I have a relatively small number of close friends, and I don't get to spend time with all of them all the time. And as time passes and life happens, friendships form and fade (and I find that the good ones can kickstart right back - even years later.) All that is fine and natural. It's really about mutual happiness, fun and sharing, and the rest doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be complicated. Hope this helps!

malone 12y ago
Thank you for writing that. I'm going through a rough patch at the moment and you've really given me a moment of clarity. I've realized that there is at least one person in my life that I should be considering a friend which I didn't previously, and one friend who I should really downgrade to an acquaintance. If you ever find the time to write down more of your thoughts about friendships I'd definitely be interested in reading them. I struggle to make new friends. The standard advice seems to be to go to meetups, do volunteering, and join sports clubs. I've tried those and can't get them to work for me. There's something more to it than just being in attendance. I think you're definitely right about that tangible point where things change, and I never manage to quite get there. I don't know if that tipping point is something you can instigate or if you just have to leave it to chance.

jmnicolas 12y ago

Well this is the problem of about 90% of the geek population : having the skills to understand machines / code leave you with less brain power for social interactions. For me it would not be a problem if I could just resolve the female companionship problem (or lack thereof). I'm not even shy, it just seems that if I don't pay them women tend to ignore me ...

astrange 12y ago
Start picking up and putting down heavy objects and remember to do something with your hair in the morning.