3 ms·

i had this same experience in mountain view just two years ago; i think it was caused in part by my startup collapsing and my mind trying to make sense of what

i had this same experience in mountain view just two years ago; i think it was caused in part by my startup collapsing and my mind trying to make sense of what happened. i had the same problem with being unable to sleep; the same sense of conversations and thoughts being unfocused. it was like tripping 24/7. i felt imbued with purpose and meaning; this life was a dream. i was working at game closure (now weeby) at the time, and i thought the whole company was a front - what we were REALLY doing was putting together a team that was going to mars together. that explained why everything changed and the plans were always in flux - it wasn't really about building games; it was to see if we could work together and still get along while constantly being frustrated by plans that would be started and then dropped. things were made worse by the fact that this was late 2012 and i really believed the whole "mayan apocalypse thing" was actually going to happen. something internal took over in early december - around the time things were "supposed" to go down, and it felt like i was living in a combination of snow crash, anathem, and "city at the end of time" - another sci-fi novel. my mind was interpretting everything that happened around me as having meaning at 300 different layers. i could see contrails around people as they moved, as if i were able to see the multiverse unfolding around me. it was exciting and terrifying at the same time. i tried telling people that i sensed something was wrong, but nobody was sure what to do. i kept telling people around me that there was an 'cacophany of mental imagery' - but i guess my ability to hold it together convinced people i was fine, until i wasn't.

hexagonsun 12y ago
If you don't mind, can you talk about how you got help?
- MarkPNeyer 12y ago
  i tried flying to ohio to visit my family for christmas. i made it onto the airplane without my drivers license (which i had lost) or my passport (which i had believed was stolen, turns out i had just lost it) - using my social security card and birth certificate as id. I thought this was like... some kind of trial... to prove that you could still use ancient forms of identification in the modern world. i had a layover in dallas. i was in the airport, trying to stay calm while imaging the entire world was watching me, angry at what i was doing. i sketched out proofs of the pythagorean theorem to try and keep myself grounded. i felt like anyone who could see what i was doing would understand that i was rational - although imagine seeing some guy, rocking back and forth scribbling on paper in the middle of DFW airport.... i can't imagine how i didn't get arrested. somehow i became convinced that i was an evil person and that the flight i was getting on was going to be shot down for my sins... i didn't want to endanger anyone on the flight, so i got the idea that i'd walk to ohio. i walked out of hte airport, managed to hitch a ride, engaged in some dialog with the driver and had a repeat of a conversation i felt like i had 40 times in the past two weeks - ending with the stranger saying "you are loved" and me feeling really scared. the guy dropped me off at a hotel. my dad paid for my room that night over the phone, and i was planning on going to the airport to 'try again' the next morning, but i was just too damn scared of falling asleep. i went to the front desk and said i needed an ambulance, they took me to a hospital. i spent a few days in recovery there, heavily sedated and on a bunch of medicines. they basically slow your mind down like crazy. after 5 or so days there, my dad made the drive from ohio to pick me up, and i spent christmas with my family. i made it back to california - people were nervous - and i was enrolled some programs through kaiser. i ended up getting hospitalized twice during january 2013; everyone was ready to give up on me, but i kept going because i didnt' really have a choice, and my then-roommate now wife believed in me... i guess i'm still not sure why. i love her. i managed to keep it sane and together to interview with google, facebook, and another company - electric cloud. i ended up taking the job at google because i wanted to be a tiny cog in a huge machine. i wanted to not matter for a while, so i could truly believe the world would keep doing its thing without me. being in the startup i felt like the whole world was in my shoulders. this was clearly an exaggerated sense of self importance - which is both helpful in the short term because you can work harder, and wildly destructive in the long term. at google, it felt like nothign i did mattered, my job was boring and i knew i could be more productive, but it felt like the 'punishment' i needed after having been overstimulated for so long. i managed to quit smoking weed - i'm almost to 1 year now - over the course of 2013, and now i'm doing far better. i ended up leaving google for electric cloud, and after a year of that, i left electric cloud for facebook. facebook has been awesome - by far the most supportive place i could be - but i think if i'd gone there in early 2013, i would have had a "false recovery" and been right back to overestimating my own importance and place in the universe.
  - Paranoidhacker 12y ago
    Thanks for your story... I'm wondering if you felt or are people able to feel they start developing schizophrenia before they are unable to understand it? I have many bad symptoms, paranoia, have had few psychotic episodes (one was when i smoked mariujana a lot..) but i haven't gone out much in 5 years and haven't socialized much either but i cant remember many things I've done in past years.. I spend most of the time reading articles s, hacker news, do some programming i barely sleep..
    - MarkPNeyer 12y ago
      yeah, i felt i was developing it too. marijuana was really, really not good for me. http://reddit.com/r/leaves http://reddit.com/r/leaves really helped me quit.
      - Paranoidhacker 12y ago
        Since what age or for how long until the reality was mixed up?! Thank you for the link but i dont have marijuana addiction, i just can't do it.. Unfortunately have and had other addictions
      - bashinator 12y ago
        That sub's name is the best pun ever. ("Trees" is a slang term for MJ buds.)
  - hexagonsun 12y ago
    Wow. That is quite the story. I'm glad you're doing better, both mentally and career-wise!
    - MarkPNeyer 12y ago
      thank you! i feel like the 'end' of all this was the development of my prefrontal cortex. a little late - age 28 or so - but right around on schedule, maybe delayed a bit by the marijuana. i finally got to a point where i was capable of focusing on and thinking more about how things _are_ than on how i wanted them to be. it's amazing what that does for a person.
MarkPNeyer 12y ago
here's an example of where my head was at the time: https://plus.google.com/107304794162956058165/posts/LUDoquxeGFf https://plus.google.com/107304794162956058165/posts/LUDoquxe...
deleted 12y ago
[deleted]
riemannzeta 12y ago
Sounds like hypomania triggered by the stress. You may be a mild case of bipolar. Definitely avoid marijuana.

hexagonsun 12y ago

If you don't mind, can you talk about how you got help?

MarkPNeyer 12y ago
i tried flying to ohio to visit my family for christmas. i made it onto the airplane without my drivers license (which i had lost) or my passport (which i had believed was stolen, turns out i had just lost it) - using my social security card and birth certificate as id. I thought this was like... some kind of trial... to prove that you could still use ancient forms of identification in the modern world. i had a layover in dallas. i was in the airport, trying to stay calm while imaging the entire world was watching me, angry at what i was doing. i sketched out proofs of the pythagorean theorem to try and keep myself grounded. i felt like anyone who could see what i was doing would understand that i was rational - although imagine seeing some guy, rocking back and forth scribbling on paper in the middle of DFW airport.... i can't imagine how i didn't get arrested. somehow i became convinced that i was an evil person and that the flight i was getting on was going to be shot down for my sins... i didn't want to endanger anyone on the flight, so i got the idea that i'd walk to ohio. i walked out of hte airport, managed to hitch a ride, engaged in some dialog with the driver and had a repeat of a conversation i felt like i had 40 times in the past two weeks - ending with the stranger saying "you are loved" and me feeling really scared. the guy dropped me off at a hotel. my dad paid for my room that night over the phone, and i was planning on going to the airport to 'try again' the next morning, but i was just too damn scared of falling asleep. i went to the front desk and said i needed an ambulance, they took me to a hospital. i spent a few days in recovery there, heavily sedated and on a bunch of medicines. they basically slow your mind down like crazy. after 5 or so days there, my dad made the drive from ohio to pick me up, and i spent christmas with my family. i made it back to california - people were nervous - and i was enrolled some programs through kaiser. i ended up getting hospitalized twice during january 2013; everyone was ready to give up on me, but i kept going because i didnt' really have a choice, and my then-roommate now wife believed in me... i guess i'm still not sure why. i love her. i managed to keep it sane and together to interview with google, facebook, and another company - electric cloud. i ended up taking the job at google because i wanted to be a tiny cog in a huge machine. i wanted to not matter for a while, so i could truly believe the world would keep doing its thing without me. being in the startup i felt like the whole world was in my shoulders. this was clearly an exaggerated sense of self importance - which is both helpful in the short term because you can work harder, and wildly destructive in the long term. at google, it felt like nothign i did mattered, my job was boring and i knew i could be more productive, but it felt like the 'punishment' i needed after having been overstimulated for so long. i managed to quit smoking weed - i'm almost to 1 year now - over the course of 2013, and now i'm doing far better. i ended up leaving google for electric cloud, and after a year of that, i left electric cloud for facebook. facebook has been awesome - by far the most supportive place i could be - but i think if i'd gone there in early 2013, i would have had a "false recovery" and been right back to overestimating my own importance and place in the universe.
- Paranoidhacker 12y ago
  Thanks for your story... I'm wondering if you felt or are people able to feel they start developing schizophrenia before they are unable to understand it? I have many bad symptoms, paranoia, have had few psychotic episodes (one was when i smoked mariujana a lot..) but i haven't gone out much in 5 years and haven't socialized much either but i cant remember many things I've done in past years.. I spend most of the time reading articles s, hacker news, do some programming i barely sleep..
  - MarkPNeyer 12y ago
    yeah, i felt i was developing it too. marijuana was really, really not good for me. http://reddit.com/r/leaves http://reddit.com/r/leaves really helped me quit.
    - Paranoidhacker 12y ago
      Since what age or for how long until the reality was mixed up?! Thank you for the link but i dont have marijuana addiction, i just can't do it.. Unfortunately have and had other addictions
    - bashinator 12y ago
      That sub's name is the best pun ever. ("Trees" is a slang term for MJ buds.)
- hexagonsun 12y ago
  Wow. That is quite the story. I'm glad you're doing better, both mentally and career-wise!
  - MarkPNeyer 12y ago
    thank you! i feel like the 'end' of all this was the development of my prefrontal cortex. a little late - age 28 or so - but right around on schedule, maybe delayed a bit by the marijuana. i finally got to a point where i was capable of focusing on and thinking more about how things _are_ than on how i wanted them to be. it's amazing what that does for a person.

MarkPNeyer 12y ago

here's an example of where my head was at the time: https://plus.google.com/107304794162956058165/posts/LUDoquxeGFf https://plus.google.com/107304794162956058165/posts/LUDoquxe...

deleted 12y ago

[deleted]

riemannzeta 12y ago

Sounds like hypomania triggered by the stress. You may be a mild case of bipolar. Definitely avoid marijuana.