Nothing of what you said is wrong, but your example has no compelling narrative. There's no example of proof of value, and there's no story behind it, relating

Nothing of what you said is wrong, but your example has no compelling narrative. There's no example of proof of value, and there's no story behind it, relating it to something your prospective customer cares about as part of their own business. Your one-sentence condensation is factually correct, but it's all about you, not your customer.