8 ms·

I feel obliged to respond to this post since I've feel that you've basically described my life. I quit my (soul-crushing) job three months ago and plan on livin

by thr0waway1909 12y ago

I feel obliged to respond to this post since I've feel that you've basically described my life. I quit my (soul-crushing) job three months ago and plan on living off my savings until I manage to gather the energy to find another one (or to kill myself). I'm 29 and never had a girlfriend either. I feel utterly invisible to the opposite gender, as if there was some kind of unexplainable communication gap that I never managed to cross, while everyone else (including the countless couples of teenagers I see walking in the parks) just seems to have moved past that. For me this is the thing that kills me the most. I feel like I've wasted the best years in my life, and that because of that and missing out on some basic experiences that most people share, I feel extremely alienated from the rest of my peers. So I just fake it all. I lie about my life. I live like an impostor, and when someone is about to uncover that, I just run away or make up more excuses and lies. I've got a few good friends, but they are far away. I've still got my family though, but I haven't told them about my depression. I actually have told no one except one friend, who was supportive but didn't really understand what I'm going through. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, since I was a teenager I guess. Something like 10 years. I've also been thinking of suicide for years now, on a weekly, sometimes daily and hourly basis. The biggest problem is that I don't see the purpose of life. Most people will talk about family (children), career, religion... Things that don't work for me. I don't believe in any gods, I don't want any children (who would inevitably inherit my shitty genes) and my career is nowhere near where I would have wanted it to be, to the point that I was better off right out of college because I was mentally more apt then than now that I'm burnt out. (And lost almost all passion for programming) I probably some form of ADD as well, because I've lost almost all ability to focus when trying to work on programming projects. Right now I'm far away from home, taking holidays in the sun, and trying new hobbies. But nothing ever seems to stick (including meditation, which I've failed to pick up many times now). I've met people, but ultimately there is always a moment where I'm alone in a room and start wondering what is the point of going through all that. Life is ultimately absurd and we're all gonna die anyway. Even writing this message feels utterly stupid. It's probably the worse answer that one could write to your message. Usually when I write these kind of messages, I tend to write them and immediately delete them because I feel so silly and pathetic. For once I'm gonna hit the reply button anyway.

seer 12y ago
I feel like I did nearly avert a situation much like you are describing. I was just falling into a pitfall of depression when a decision, made in a strange, drunken state changed my life forever. By the weirdest circumstance I went to a latin dance class. The combination of structured social contact, technicality and physical exercise did wonders for my self esteem. There's a certain meritocratic vibe with dancers where with just simple repetition and hacker mindset you can become quite good, and people will respect that however your physical appearance. You can make lots of really great friends in a short time. I think that's one of the greatest life hacks a depressed hacker can do. You learn to interact with people easily as there is a very clear framework on how you approach people, there is always a big shared interest to talk about, and the amount of calories it can burn is incredible. I'm sure one can accomplish this with other shared activities, for example sports, but the amount of positive influence latin dances can do to a hacker is in my opinion unparalleled.
throwaway37337 12y ago
I've been where you are. For me the path out was exercise. Wake up and work out - every day, 7 days a week, first thing after you wake up. "Working out" can mean walking to the end of the block and back. And then you get to think, "Even if I do nothing else of value today, at least I worked out." Do that every day for a month, first thing. If you can ingrain that pattern in your brain, I promise you one block will become two and two will become four. And you will look at the crap you're about to put in your mouth and think, "this is not food." For me that was the path out. There's ways to overcome the women thing - really. And 30 is not too late, not even close to too late.
wbhart 12y ago
To both you and parent poster thanks for taking the time to write down your experiences. I used to completely dismiss people who had depression and anxiety, until I started having anxiety attacks myself. Now that I know how real they are, I instead feel like I want to study and understand the experiences of others and even ask questions (I will manage to restrain myself). The fact is, technically minded people think about these conditions differently than others. We have the ability to be more detached, even from our own circumstances, and report our experiences without the mysticism and sentimentality. We also understand the placebo effect and evidence-based science, so we tend not to share endless anecdotes based on pseudoscientific potions and cures which are supposed to somehow magically solve the problem. Therefore, I personally find your post hundreds of times more helpful than what I might find elsewhere. I also find blog posts (such as the linked article) from technically minded individuals on these issues, recounting their experiences, extremely insightful. Although I've only seriously suffered from anxiety disorder, not depression, I can relate to a few things you write. There were periods in my life (actually before the onset of my anxiety) where I couldn't see the point to life itself (I mean from a logical perspective; I didn't have suicidal thoughts). Actually, I had this from a very young age. I started off at age 4 with a passion for lego. But I quickly realised that I couldn't build a machine for doing real, useful work with this lego (it would break). And even if I did, what point would there be for me in building an excavator or a digger or motorcar that used the levers and pneumatics/hydraulics I was learning about with my lego? What purpose would I use the machine for? And even if I could answer that, what would I want to do that for, etc. So what was the real purpose in playing with lego? I'm 38 and have never had a girlfriend! I live in hope. (The only thing I can recommend there is a dating website. I sure wish I'd discovered these when I was 29!!) But when I was about 29/30 something strange happened that rewired my brain, seemingly all at once. All in the same year I suddenly became intensely interested in chess, scene (assembly) programming and a sport called martial arts tricking, after decades of not really taking all that much pleasure from anything. None of these things have any ultimate usefulness! And yet my entire mindset just suddenly flipped. So what (scientifically speaking) happened to me? I've no idea, and I'd love to know! Tricking stayed with me for 9 years. And even now I look back at it longingly. It has no ultimate purpose, but I miss it like crazy (there's no gym nearby where I can do it in my current location, and I'm getting a little old for it now). It's as useless as my childhood lego. I don't want to suggest my experience has any immediate practical benefit for someone with depression. But I can definitely relate that what makes life enjoyable and livable, paradoxically, isn't necessarily something that gives it ultimate purpose. I'm not suggesting I did something myself to change things. I just want to relate that even though I'm technically minded and fully understand what you mean by "life is ultimately absurd", this ultimately isn't an obstacle. A king called Solomon apparently once wrote, "I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." When I was 29, I definitely thought I was suffering from the "insanity of Solomon" (a little early I thought). But apparently, it turns out, life is meaningless. That just isn't the problem. Obviously standard advice applies. Most people here (especially me) are not psychologists and if the depression and associated thoughts keep up, seek qualified help, if you haven't already. Psychologists should be able to help you root out contributing factors, help you isolate and shut down unproductive thought patterns/habits that exacerbate the problem, and psychiatrists can dispense medication which might give you time to reset and recover. At least these days they too are starting to pay attention to evidence based science!

seer 12y ago

I feel like I did nearly avert a situation much like you are describing. I was just falling into a pitfall of depression when a decision, made in a strange, drunken state changed my life forever. By the weirdest circumstance I went to a latin dance class. The combination of structured social contact, technicality and physical exercise did wonders for my self esteem. There's a certain meritocratic vibe with dancers where with just simple repetition and hacker mindset you can become quite good, and people will respect that however your physical appearance. You can make lots of really great friends in a short time. I think that's one of the greatest life hacks a depressed hacker can do. You learn to interact with people easily as there is a very clear framework on how you approach people, there is always a big shared interest to talk about, and the amount of calories it can burn is incredible. I'm sure one can accomplish this with other shared activities, for example sports, but the amount of positive influence latin dances can do to a hacker is in my opinion unparalleled.

throwaway37337 12y ago

I've been where you are. For me the path out was exercise. Wake up and work out - every day, 7 days a week, first thing after you wake up. "Working out" can mean walking to the end of the block and back. And then you get to think, "Even if I do nothing else of value today, at least I worked out." Do that every day for a month, first thing. If you can ingrain that pattern in your brain, I promise you one block will become two and two will become four. And you will look at the crap you're about to put in your mouth and think, "this is not food." For me that was the path out. There's ways to overcome the women thing - really. And 30 is not too late, not even close to too late.

wbhart 12y ago

To both you and parent poster thanks for taking the time to write down your experiences. I used to completely dismiss people who had depression and anxiety, until I started having anxiety attacks myself. Now that I know how real they are, I instead feel like I want to study and understand the experiences of others and even ask questions (I will manage to restrain myself). The fact is, technically minded people think about these conditions differently than others. We have the ability to be more detached, even from our own circumstances, and report our experiences without the mysticism and sentimentality. We also understand the placebo effect and evidence-based science, so we tend not to share endless anecdotes based on pseudoscientific potions and cures which are supposed to somehow magically solve the problem. Therefore, I personally find your post hundreds of times more helpful than what I might find elsewhere. I also find blog posts (such as the linked article) from technically minded individuals on these issues, recounting their experiences, extremely insightful. Although I've only seriously suffered from anxiety disorder, not depression, I can relate to a few things you write. There were periods in my life (actually before the onset of my anxiety) where I couldn't see the point to life itself (I mean from a logical perspective; I didn't have suicidal thoughts). Actually, I had this from a very young age. I started off at age 4 with a passion for lego. But I quickly realised that I couldn't build a machine for doing real, useful work with this lego (it would break). And even if I did, what point would there be for me in building an excavator or a digger or motorcar that used the levers and pneumatics/hydraulics I was learning about with my lego? What purpose would I use the machine for? And even if I could answer that, what would I want to do that for, etc. So what was the real purpose in playing with lego? I'm 38 and have never had a girlfriend! I live in hope. (The only thing I can recommend there is a dating website. I sure wish I'd discovered these when I was 29!!) But when I was about 29/30 something strange happened that rewired my brain, seemingly all at once. All in the same year I suddenly became intensely interested in chess, scene (assembly) programming and a sport called martial arts tricking, after decades of not really taking all that much pleasure from anything. None of these things have any ultimate usefulness! And yet my entire mindset just suddenly flipped. So what (scientifically speaking) happened to me? I've no idea, and I'd love to know! Tricking stayed with me for 9 years. And even now I look back at it longingly. It has no ultimate purpose, but I miss it like crazy (there's no gym nearby where I can do it in my current location, and I'm getting a little old for it now). It's as useless as my childhood lego. I don't want to suggest my experience has any immediate practical benefit for someone with depression. But I can definitely relate that what makes life enjoyable and livable, paradoxically, isn't necessarily something that gives it ultimate purpose. I'm not suggesting I did something myself to change things. I just want to relate that even though I'm technically minded and fully understand what you mean by "life is ultimately absurd", this ultimately isn't an obstacle. A king called Solomon apparently once wrote, "I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." When I was 29, I definitely thought I was suffering from the "insanity of Solomon" (a little early I thought). But apparently, it turns out, life is meaningless. That just isn't the problem. Obviously standard advice applies. Most people here (especially me) are not psychologists and if the depression and associated thoughts keep up, seek qualified help, if you haven't already. Psychologists should be able to help you root out contributing factors, help you isolate and shut down unproductive thought patterns/habits that exacerbate the problem, and psychiatrists can dispense medication which might give you time to reset and recover. At least these days they too are starting to pay attention to evidence based science!