My situation is somewhat different as I have never been a programmer per se, I graduaded in cultural anthropology, worked for two years at an insurance corporat

My situation is somewhat different as I have never been a programmer per se, I graduaded in cultural anthropology, worked for two years at an insurance corporation and now for almost a year at a small software developer, implementing a BPM system which consist of both some coding and meeting with clients. I also started studying computer science a year ago. What has crushed my ambition was the math. It simply requires lots and lots of time to start solving basic problems at advenced level. Even if I pushed hard, sleep less, the reality is that I'd never get to the level where my math is useful in CS, or compete with people who are talented with math. And none of my colleagues do any sort of calculations. There is no optimalization effort. Deadlines are short and we just have to get things done. The chief architect even says "memory is cheaper than processing time" so we shuffle around big chunks of data instead of making smarter algorhytms. It of course doesn't mean that math isn't important - I admire anyone who has mastered linear algebra. So I realised that it wouldn't be worthwile to struggle with math, which was too hard, but rather try to learn new languages, build something useful etc. And than I realised that sitting at a computer the entire day is not what I wanted for myself. When I was young I dreamt of becoming a filmmaker, make documentaries. A friend helped me to dug this old dream out of my subconsciousness. He told me to write down and read a list of my strong sides every evening and add to it if I find something new. And so I have for over 120 days. And I focused on what I would like to accomplish and how much I want to sacrifice to achieve my dreams. So the plan is to try to get to Manchester University and study Visual Anthropology for a year and move on with a filmmaking career. Wish me luck