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Sounds good. Step 0: overcome social anxiety and general awkwardness. Edit: to make this comment a little less pithy, I will say that I've ordered 'What to Ta

Sounds good. Step 0: overcome social anxiety and general awkwardness. Edit: to make this comment a little less pithy, I will say that I've ordered 'What to Talk About', and it has lessened the looming daemon of small talk...somewhat. (http://www.amazon.com/What-Talk-About-Cocktail-Elevator/dp/1452114501/ http://www.amazon.com/What-Talk-About-Cocktail-Elevator/dp/1...)

thinkalone 12y ago
I've found "Conversationally Speaking" quite helpful, also: http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Personal-Effectiveness/dp/1565656296/ http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Per... An easy read with practical tips on how to communicate with others in various situations.
graeme 12y ago
Step 0 seems impossible, but you really just have to talk to people. I say this as a formerly very shy, awkward person. Start by talking to people you have on interest in talking to. Don't approach an attractive member of the opposite sex or a businessperson. Instead, say hello to an elderly person you normally wouldn't look twice at. Or try to make cashiers laugh. Brighten up people's day. If you just talk consistently, you'll get better. Talking to people is a skill like any other.
- shanusmagnus 12y ago
  Can't agree with this enough: however impossible you think being social is, it all starts with being able to do small things. You have a million opportunities a day to do _something_ that will begin the tiny and endless work of getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you. So yeah, say something to the cashier. Ask the barista if they changed the chairs. Ask the guy who takes your parking ticket if he knows a good restaurant. You have to make a beginning, trite as it sounds, and no beginning is too small to help.
  - alashley 12y ago
    Frequenting the bar scene, for those so inclined, is the fast track to this: "getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you."
    - graeme 12y ago
      This is true, but it's a higher hurdle. I went to bars through college, but made no progress socially. To learn, you need to be able to try a lot, in a consistent environment, and get feedback. Bars made it difficult to try small things, and they're a complex environment where you can't repeat the same interaction so easily. Whereas, saying "hi" to a stranger is never that different, in terms of how it goes initially.
      - thinkharder 12y ago
        I think it depends a lot on your personality. My best friend and I used to be a lot alike in this way. We were both really shy, had trouble socializing, especially dating. It was a big part of why we are such good friends. A few years ago he started going out to the bars after work almost every day. It started as an attempt to maintain a relationship with a girlfriend who liked hitting the bars, but after they broke up, he discovered that he really liked it. He talks to the bartenders, he talks to the guy at the next stool. He'll wander around the bar, pick out the most interesting looking person and strike up a conversation. He has completely overcome the social anxiety. I, on the other hand, don't like the bars. It's generally too noisy, lots of distraction, and because I'm at the bar for the purpose of "meeting people" it seems more high-stakes than it really is. I've had really good luck with the kind of casual conversations you describe, the cashier at the store, the girl at the coffee shop, the guy standing on the street corner who's obviously lost.... I had a 20 min conversation with a complete stranger last Sunday I met walking my dog. "Hey, that's a beautiful dog, what breed is it?" was all it took to start. There are a million opportunities to interact with other human beings every day. What works for me is each day, picking a few very low risk opportunities to start a conversation, and really going for it. For some reason at the bar, I get shot down once and I'm done. YMMV and all that......
ahmadss 12y ago
Rejection Therapy [1][2] is a fun and interesting way to overcome phobias and anxiety. Since the game is framed around "seeking rejection", it feels OK to approach someone and start a conversation and get rejected because the metric is "did I fail to start a conversation" rather than "was I able to sustain a conversation". If you fail, you win. And when you inevitably don't get rejected and are able to sustain a conversation, you realize that this also is a win. Try it out and report back! [1] - http://rejectiontherapy.com/ http://rejectiontherapy.com/ [2] - http://www.fearbuster.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/ http://www.fearbuster.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/
graeme 12y ago
ahmadss, your reply to this is dead. Mods, why was the comment about rejection therapy killed? It's a very popular and highly relevant game. And the poster has 1000+ karma; they don't seem like a spammer. I couldn't see anything objectionable about the comment.
- kelukelugames 12y ago
  I'm new to hacker news and have not figure out this "dead" feature. What exactly is happening?
  - graeme 12y ago
    "dead" means a mod killed a link, comment or even an entire account. You can go to your profile settings and select "showdead" to see dead posts. At it's best, "dead" indicates spam removal, or a shadowban of a spammer. Unfortunately, when it's applied in appropriately, the poster doesn't realize. In this case, there's a comment that I think was removed incorrectly.
- ahmadss 12y ago
  hmm - that's weird. wonder why. maybe it was the way i formatted my response and inserted links? mods - would love an explanation, if possible.
  - graeme 12y ago
    This one is live, btw. You're not shadowbanned.
iak8god 12y ago
Hi Stranger. I noticed that this book isn't all that well reviewed (3.5/5), and that Amazon's 'Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought' includes a few higher-rated titles. Can you say a word or two on what you liked about this one?
- michael_h 12y ago
  The book definitely has some huge problems, but it helped to 'push me out of the gate' by giving actual, concrete things to say, rather than general approaches. I find that once the conversation gets rolling, I'm okay. It's probably best in conjunction with another book.
RevRal 12y ago
Check out some books on NLP. Fun. Systematic. And others can be better just by being around you. I recommend Sleight of Mouth to start. You can skip Mindlines, I can't tell if sections in that book are bad writing or not.

thinkalone 12y ago

I've found "Conversationally Speaking" quite helpful, also: http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Personal-Effectiveness/dp/1565656296/ http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Per... An easy read with practical tips on how to communicate with others in various situations.

graeme 12y ago

Step 0 seems impossible, but you really just have to talk to people. I say this as a formerly very shy, awkward person. Start by talking to people you have on interest in talking to. Don't approach an attractive member of the opposite sex or a businessperson. Instead, say hello to an elderly person you normally wouldn't look twice at. Or try to make cashiers laugh. Brighten up people's day. If you just talk consistently, you'll get better. Talking to people is a skill like any other.

shanusmagnus 12y ago
Can't agree with this enough: however impossible you think being social is, it all starts with being able to do small things. You have a million opportunities a day to do _something_ that will begin the tiny and endless work of getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you. So yeah, say something to the cashier. Ask the barista if they changed the chairs. Ask the guy who takes your parking ticket if he knows a good restaurant. You have to make a beginning, trite as it sounds, and no beginning is too small to help.
- alashley 12y ago
  Frequenting the bar scene, for those so inclined, is the fast track to this: "getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you."
  - graeme 12y ago
    This is true, but it's a higher hurdle. I went to bars through college, but made no progress socially. To learn, you need to be able to try a lot, in a consistent environment, and get feedback. Bars made it difficult to try small things, and they're a complex environment where you can't repeat the same interaction so easily. Whereas, saying "hi" to a stranger is never that different, in terms of how it goes initially.
    - thinkharder 12y ago
      I think it depends a lot on your personality. My best friend and I used to be a lot alike in this way. We were both really shy, had trouble socializing, especially dating. It was a big part of why we are such good friends. A few years ago he started going out to the bars after work almost every day. It started as an attempt to maintain a relationship with a girlfriend who liked hitting the bars, but after they broke up, he discovered that he really liked it. He talks to the bartenders, he talks to the guy at the next stool. He'll wander around the bar, pick out the most interesting looking person and strike up a conversation. He has completely overcome the social anxiety. I, on the other hand, don't like the bars. It's generally too noisy, lots of distraction, and because I'm at the bar for the purpose of "meeting people" it seems more high-stakes than it really is. I've had really good luck with the kind of casual conversations you describe, the cashier at the store, the girl at the coffee shop, the guy standing on the street corner who's obviously lost.... I had a 20 min conversation with a complete stranger last Sunday I met walking my dog. "Hey, that's a beautiful dog, what breed is it?" was all it took to start. There are a million opportunities to interact with other human beings every day. What works for me is each day, picking a few very low risk opportunities to start a conversation, and really going for it. For some reason at the bar, I get shot down once and I'm done. YMMV and all that......

ahmadss 12y ago

Rejection Therapy [1][2] is a fun and interesting way to overcome phobias and anxiety. Since the game is framed around "seeking rejection", it feels OK to approach someone and start a conversation and get rejected because the metric is "did I fail to start a conversation" rather than "was I able to sustain a conversation". If you fail, you win. And when you inevitably don't get rejected and are able to sustain a conversation, you realize that this also is a win. Try it out and report back! [1] - http://rejectiontherapy.com/ http://rejectiontherapy.com/ [2] - http://www.fearbuster.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/ http://www.fearbuster.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/

graeme 12y ago

ahmadss, your reply to this is dead. Mods, why was the comment about rejection therapy killed? It's a very popular and highly relevant game. And the poster has 1000+ karma; they don't seem like a spammer. I couldn't see anything objectionable about the comment.

kelukelugames 12y ago
I'm new to hacker news and have not figure out this "dead" feature. What exactly is happening?
- graeme 12y ago
  "dead" means a mod killed a link, comment or even an entire account. You can go to your profile settings and select "showdead" to see dead posts. At it's best, "dead" indicates spam removal, or a shadowban of a spammer. Unfortunately, when it's applied in appropriately, the poster doesn't realize. In this case, there's a comment that I think was removed incorrectly.
ahmadss 12y ago
hmm - that's weird. wonder why. maybe it was the way i formatted my response and inserted links? mods - would love an explanation, if possible.
- graeme 12y ago
  This one is live, btw. You're not shadowbanned.

iak8god 12y ago

Hi Stranger. I noticed that this book isn't all that well reviewed (3.5/5), and that Amazon's 'Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought' includes a few higher-rated titles. Can you say a word or two on what you liked about this one?

michael_h 12y ago
The book definitely has some huge problems, but it helped to 'push me out of the gate' by giving actual, concrete things to say, rather than general approaches. I find that once the conversation gets rolling, I'm okay. It's probably best in conjunction with another book.

RevRal 12y ago

Check out some books on NLP. Fun. Systematic. And others can be better just by being around you. I recommend Sleight of Mouth to start. You can skip Mindlines, I can't tell if sections in that book are bad writing or not.