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I'm not sad because I miss being able to play my Game Gear all day anymore. I'm sad because even though I've come far, I constantly second guess myself. I very

by beatit 12y ago

I'm not sad because I miss being able to play my Game Gear all day anymore. I'm sad because even though I've come far, I constantly second guess myself. I very rarely feel like I can have deep, meaningful interactions with people. I remember back in high school, I deleted my Myspace, because only like 3 people wanted to be on my buddy list. And one of them was Tom Anderson. Now, I "know" a lot of people. Whether you measure it through Twitter followers, Facebook friends, or whatever the hell they call connections on LinkedIn, people are connected to me. I'm actually getting to the point where people even sidle up to me at conferences, trying to curry favor - to network. Everything's coming up Millhouse! But lately, I feel an intense loneliness that I never felt when I was "abnormal".

sliverstorm 12y ago
I very rarely feel like I can have deep, meaningful interactions with people. lately, I feel an intense loneliness that I never felt when I was "abnormal" Anecdotally, as someone who was never diagnosed with any kind of autism, welcome to the club :) Seriously, as best I can tell adulthood is like that for everyone. You can still find those deep meaningful interactions, but they aren't common and they are probably with special people you have a deep rapport with, rather than somebody you met thirty minutes ago. It was so much easier to "connect" with people when I was younger. If I am to wax philosophical, I would bet that's related to the development of the "sense of self". Young kids don't have as strong of a concept of identity, so it's easier for them to connect with others.
- contingencies 12y ago
  welcome to the club Yep. I would bet that's related to the development of the "sense of self". Young kids don't have as strong of a concept of identity, so it's easier for them to connect with others. I think, beyond that, that there may be an underlying, motivating sense of the 'impending judgement' of one's actions by society. Whereas, a child in a lucky case may be essentially carefree, an adult is always subconsciously on the lookout for "person x in situation y may judge me z if i do that". Autistic people are often free of that: social comprehension, hardly unique to us as a species, is at once a freedom and a curse. Growing up, a very close friend of one of my parents had a son who was autistic and slightly younger than me. They lived in the country, and we would visit them approximately annually. When it became apparent that he had autism, all of his behavior became explained through the lens of autism. He would run through fields, climb trees, chase animals, play with model tractors, make loud noises, inquisitively inspect minutiae of nature. One of his parents was an unrelated medical practitioner, and the pair of them dedicated immense time and energy to attending all possible events and reading all possible books to understand the nature of their son's condition. Because they could afford it, the father wound up spending all his time every day with the son, attempting to use various techniques to influence his behavior. Through the stop-motion perspective of our occasional visitations, it was apparent that slowly, he was achieving success. The son began to talk, and was exceptionally skilled with language, song, performance, drama and all of those qualities that are inherently social... precisely the elements that were perceived as missing from his life before-hand, but present in everyone else's "normal" experience of the world. I made up my mind then and there that autism was not a bad thing, it was possibly a good thing... a rare situation in which children may be shielded from the tremendously judgmental, often vindictive and horrible, backward and limited perspective of society at large and its collected habits and wisdom, and instead allowed to develop freely through raw curiosity and thought. It is as if they are locked within their own Eden... and at least some of those who do eventually escape are far wealthier for it.
genericuser 12y ago
Yeah I get that, I really didn't make my thoughts very clear. I get that you want to be happy again, and not play game gear again (or even a modern equivilant). Part of my thoughts that I didn't express was that an equivalent or the same thing to what made you happy then likely won't anymore. I get the loneliness, despite having friends I don't feel close to any of them. I never felt lonely when I didn't have friends. In my case, having something I have nothing but apathy towards, only seems to serve as a reminder of that apathy. Sounds like you are way ahead of me in the socializing thing though, my followers, friends, and connections account for very few people, if you are able to care about even one of them please consider yourself lucky, because I as a person who has never had to deal with the stigma of being deemed "abnormal" have no one I care about other than my self.
sp332 12y ago
I think it's actually a step toward what you want. That kind of relationship is fairly rare and you're not going to be able to feel it with everyone. Feeling a desire for a connection gives you a better chance of finding one :) For me, I just kept making more nominal "friends" (which I had never been good at) until I found a few that I actually liked. It's been 4 years of working on this and I feel like I'm only slightly better at it, but hey - at least I have some real friends now!

by beatit 12y ago

sliverstorm 12y ago

I very rarely feel like I can have deep, meaningful interactions with people. lately, I feel an intense loneliness that I never felt when I was "abnormal" Anecdotally, as someone who was never diagnosed with any kind of autism, welcome to the club :) Seriously, as best I can tell adulthood is like that for everyone. You can still find those deep meaningful interactions, but they aren't common and they are probably with special people you have a deep rapport with, rather than somebody you met thirty minutes ago. It was so much easier to "connect" with people when I was younger. If I am to wax philosophical, I would bet that's related to the development of the "sense of self". Young kids don't have as strong of a concept of identity, so it's easier for them to connect with others.

contingencies 12y ago
welcome to the club Yep. I would bet that's related to the development of the "sense of self". Young kids don't have as strong of a concept of identity, so it's easier for them to connect with others. I think, beyond that, that there may be an underlying, motivating sense of the 'impending judgement' of one's actions by society. Whereas, a child in a lucky case may be essentially carefree, an adult is always subconsciously on the lookout for "person x in situation y may judge me z if i do that". Autistic people are often free of that: social comprehension, hardly unique to us as a species, is at once a freedom and a curse. Growing up, a very close friend of one of my parents had a son who was autistic and slightly younger than me. They lived in the country, and we would visit them approximately annually. When it became apparent that he had autism, all of his behavior became explained through the lens of autism. He would run through fields, climb trees, chase animals, play with model tractors, make loud noises, inquisitively inspect minutiae of nature. One of his parents was an unrelated medical practitioner, and the pair of them dedicated immense time and energy to attending all possible events and reading all possible books to understand the nature of their son's condition. Because they could afford it, the father wound up spending all his time every day with the son, attempting to use various techniques to influence his behavior. Through the stop-motion perspective of our occasional visitations, it was apparent that slowly, he was achieving success. The son began to talk, and was exceptionally skilled with language, song, performance, drama and all of those qualities that are inherently social... precisely the elements that were perceived as missing from his life before-hand, but present in everyone else's "normal" experience of the world. I made up my mind then and there that autism was not a bad thing, it was possibly a good thing... a rare situation in which children may be shielded from the tremendously judgmental, often vindictive and horrible, backward and limited perspective of society at large and its collected habits and wisdom, and instead allowed to develop freely through raw curiosity and thought. It is as if they are locked within their own Eden... and at least some of those who do eventually escape are far wealthier for it.

genericuser 12y ago

Yeah I get that, I really didn't make my thoughts very clear. I get that you want to be happy again, and not play game gear again (or even a modern equivilant). Part of my thoughts that I didn't express was that an equivalent or the same thing to what made you happy then likely won't anymore. I get the loneliness, despite having friends I don't feel close to any of them. I never felt lonely when I didn't have friends. In my case, having something I have nothing but apathy towards, only seems to serve as a reminder of that apathy. Sounds like you are way ahead of me in the socializing thing though, my followers, friends, and connections account for very few people, if you are able to care about even one of them please consider yourself lucky, because I as a person who has never had to deal with the stigma of being deemed "abnormal" have no one I care about other than my self.

sp332 12y ago

I think it's actually a step toward what you want. That kind of relationship is fairly rare and you're not going to be able to feel it with everyone. Feeling a desire for a connection gives you a better chance of finding one :) For me, I just kept making more nominal "friends" (which I had never been good at) until I found a few that I actually liked. It's been 4 years of working on this and I feel like I'm only slightly better at it, but hey - at least I have some real friends now!