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This can backfire in a big way...I will post this in the hopes the person I'm talking about doesn't read this website (I find it unlikely that she does). I met

by blhack 17y ago

This can backfire in a big way...I will post this in the hopes the person I'm talking about doesn't read this website (I find it unlikely that she does). I met a girl who seemed very cool. She was really smart, into computers (she's a programmer), funny, etc. etc. Basically everything that I look for in a good friend. SO I invited her out to grab some beer one night. Now, the thing is...I'm a bit of a beer snob. I invited her to go to my favorite beer drinking place...a place which features nearly 500 varieties of imported and microbrewed beer...all really great stuff. Well, when we got there, I ordered a beer that is ~$20 a bottle (it is a very very limited run that new belgium did, and is quite good). Her, not being a beer nerd at all, found a beer she liked, and ordered 3-4 of them...(it was a lambic from Belgium). Now, because I'm a nice guy, near the end of the evening, I got up and talked to one of the bartenders and paid the check... The reason I did this was mostly because this girl was not a beer snob in any way, and probably had no clue how expensive what she was drinking was. This girl decided that this gesture was me in some way trying to hit on her, and now refuses to talk to me. :(. Some people get really weirded out when you try and do nice things for them, so be careful. Some people even go so far as thinking that you're offering to buy them lunch because you think they can't afford it. Tread lightly, that's all I'm saying...

deleted 17y ago
[deleted]
astine 17y ago
Even from this angle it sounds like you were trying to hit on this person. For some reason paying for food with the opposite sex is seen as courtship behavior. Try it with a (straight) man and see if he thinks that you are hitting on him. With amusing exceptions, its unlikely that he'll take offense.
- blhack 17y ago
  Well...the thing is that I normally DO pay for my male friends. If I call them up and say ask them to go out, they're usually all broke (mostly students). I'll pay because, to me, its worth the extra few bucks to have somebody to drink with... (or are you saying that people are just being irrational? Your last sentence makes me believe so.)
  - astine 17y ago
    Well...the thing is that I normally DO pay for my male friends. Then you know exaclty what I'm talking about. My point is that gestures can mean different things when performed for men and for women. There's nothing irrational about it.
    - patio11 17y ago
      I was once friend-zoned by a young lady I was interested in, and got to listen to a whole lot of talk about other guys. In particular, there was one gentleman that got upset with her because he thought she was, quote, leading him on. "Mary, what do you do with him?" "Oh, movies, dinner, that sort of thing." "Who pays for these?" "He does." "And he says you're leading him on?" "Yeah, what's up with that?" "That's because you're leading him on." Some time later I realized that Mary (not her real name) had a persistent habit of using people, and I began spending my time with people who did not value me solely for what I could do for them.
kunqiana 17y ago
Even if you were hitting on her, for her to ignore you, it probably wasn't your problem.
loltrader 17y ago
Or you're looking for an excuse that she doesn't like you, that you fucked up, weren't interesting to her and/or maybe she likes fucking with guys or she's just a bitch.
brandon272 17y ago
This sounds more like a warning about a paranoid girl than a reason not to buy a friend (girl OR guy) a lunch!
dca 17y ago
I question "refuses to talk to me :("... Have you really tried going back up to her and saying "Hey - wanna go hit that beer joint again?" Perhaps you're just assuming the worst... Also, the simplest way to not look like you're hitting on her is to go with a group. If you have other really smart, into computers, funny, etc. etc. people who enjoy beers, why not get some of them together anyway, and then ask if she wants to come join you. Even if she says no, you still get to suck down your $20 beers and talk hacker stuffs. What would be great is, since as you did say she's a smart programmer, if she also reads HN and actually has a chance to give her side of the story on this. Sounds like it would be a fairly unique situation for her to identify. That would be so priceless...
jobu 17y ago
>Some people even go so far as thinking that you're offering to buy them lunch because you think they can't afford it. Excellent point, I've seen a kind gesture blow up in a person's face for exactly this reason. It's always best to offer, ask or at least let the other person know BEFORE paying the check.
frossie 17y ago
I am not defending her blanking you , but what was unwise was not paying for her, but doing so behind her back. "Look, I'm the person who likes the overpriced beer, let me pick up the tab" would have given you some additional data points with which to decide whether it was safe to proceed or desist.

by blhack 17y ago

deleted 17y ago

[deleted]

astine 17y ago

Even from this angle it sounds like you were trying to hit on this person. For some reason paying for food with the opposite sex is seen as courtship behavior. Try it with a (straight) man and see if he thinks that you are hitting on him. With amusing exceptions, its unlikely that he'll take offense.

blhack 17y ago
Well...the thing is that I normally DO pay for my male friends. If I call them up and say ask them to go out, they're usually all broke (mostly students). I'll pay because, to me, its worth the extra few bucks to have somebody to drink with... (or are you saying that people are just being irrational? Your last sentence makes me believe so.)
- astine 17y ago
  Well...the thing is that I normally DO pay for my male friends. Then you know exaclty what I'm talking about. My point is that gestures can mean different things when performed for men and for women. There's nothing irrational about it.
  - patio11 17y ago
    I was once friend-zoned by a young lady I was interested in, and got to listen to a whole lot of talk about other guys. In particular, there was one gentleman that got upset with her because he thought she was, quote, leading him on. "Mary, what do you do with him?" "Oh, movies, dinner, that sort of thing." "Who pays for these?" "He does." "And he says you're leading him on?" "Yeah, what's up with that?" "That's because you're leading him on." Some time later I realized that Mary (not her real name) had a persistent habit of using people, and I began spending my time with people who did not value me solely for what I could do for them.

kunqiana 17y ago

Even if you were hitting on her, for her to ignore you, it probably wasn't your problem.

loltrader 17y ago

Or you're looking for an excuse that she doesn't like you, that you fucked up, weren't interesting to her and/or maybe she likes fucking with guys or she's just a bitch.

brandon272 17y ago

This sounds more like a warning about a paranoid girl than a reason not to buy a friend (girl OR guy) a lunch!

dca 17y ago

I question "refuses to talk to me :("... Have you really tried going back up to her and saying "Hey - wanna go hit that beer joint again?" Perhaps you're just assuming the worst... Also, the simplest way to not look like you're hitting on her is to go with a group. If you have other really smart, into computers, funny, etc. etc. people who enjoy beers, why not get some of them together anyway, and then ask if she wants to come join you. Even if she says no, you still get to suck down your $20 beers and talk hacker stuffs. What would be great is, since as you did say she's a smart programmer, if she also reads HN and actually has a chance to give her side of the story on this. Sounds like it would be a fairly unique situation for her to identify. That would be so priceless...

jobu 17y ago

>Some people even go so far as thinking that you're offering to buy them lunch because you think they can't afford it. Excellent point, I've seen a kind gesture blow up in a person's face for exactly this reason. It's always best to offer, ask or at least let the other person know BEFORE paying the check.

frossie 17y ago

I am not defending her blanking you , but what was unwise was not paying for her, but doing so behind her back. "Look, I'm the person who likes the overpriced beer, let me pick up the tab" would have given you some additional data points with which to decide whether it was safe to proceed or desist.