3 ms·
This is the $64,000 question and I actually believe there might be a business (or several) to be had in this space. As people increasingly forego marriage and p
by anondog 12y ago
This is the $64,000 question and I actually believe there might be a business (or several) to be had in this space. As people increasingly forego marriage and pursue solo lives and careers, they need more alternatives for support and camaraderie. (And these people have disposable cash.)
Anyway, as it stands, I think the best option is to try to work at a place with other young, career-oriented (as opposed to family-oriented) people. I've tried young professionals associations and athletic teams, but they didn't work. The young professional stuff seemed too forced -- like singles dating -- and you don't get enough "talk time" with sports teams: you're too busy playing the game.
Truthfully, most of my friends in this city have come from playing Magic the Gathering. There were a few semi-normal, hygiene-conscious guys in the crowd and we get together on a semi-regular basis. We're not as close as my college buddies and I can't get them to go out doing the fun stuff I used to do, but it's good enough.
If you live in small town america, making friends might be difficult or impossible. I actually went to a therapist when I was really depressed and told him how much I hate this city. I told him I thought it was very cliquish (exclusive to newcomers like myself), that every girl worth having is married at 25 and that every guy friend I make gets stolen away by marriage.
I expected him to say "Suck it up. Go meet people." His response was actually "Ok so maybe you need to move to a place with more independent, career-minded folks like yourself." In other words, sometimes circumstances really are the problem, not you.
I want to reiterate my original point: I'm as white and normal as it gets. I can't blame any personality-related, aesthetic, racial or economic disadvantage, and yet I'm still a sometimes-depressed-and-unhappy loner.
The only thing left to blame is my introversion.
One last point: I, like many millennials, was raised by my parents and the media to believe I am the center of the universe. Accordingly, my empathy quotient has historically been crappy. Then I had some life events a few years ago that jarringly recalibrated my ego. As painful as these events were, I'm not as full of myself nor as big an asshole as I used to be and I'm finding it easier to relate to other people as well as make and keep friends.
Read articles and writings by David Wong (aka Jason Pargin). He's the patron saint of self-righteous millennial deprogramming.
- crimsonalucard 12y agoGood points. As I've gotten older I've gotten lonelier and I've been searching for the sort of bonding and friendships I experienced as a college student. As superficial as the friendships were, the friendships were in general less superficial then all the friends I made outside of college. I'm not so sure why the whole experience suddenly ends when people step out of college. I'm positive it has nothing to do with a natural process of becoming more mature or older. I've thought about it a lot. In the end I think your therapist got it right. It's all about circumstance. You have to live in a place that promotes daily interaction with people. Dorms and fraternities promote that sort of thing not just by being in the right location but the physical geometry of dorms and frat houses encourages people to meet and hangout. The rooms in dorms and frat houses are so small that people just end up using the larger shared lounges for dinner, studying, and chilling in general. It forces and promotes daily interaction with large groups that you'll never experience in any other setting. I think the reason why the sports thing or the young professional stuff didn't work out was because it needs to be a daily thing. Connections will always feel awkward especially for introverts because it's just not happening often enough. Anyway back to my point of the living space. Outside of colleges I've seen this type of living space in just two places. The first place is called Cooperatives. People in coops live in the same building, do shared chores and have communal dinner. Like frat houses these places tend to be pretty ghetto but it's never lonely. The other place is a retirement home. If you've never been to one, retirement homes actually have shared spaces and dining halls where you can literally observe older people having the same kind of social interaction and politics you experienced in college living spaces. The irony of it all is the same social experience young people get living in dorms near the beginning of their lives, they'll get to experience the same thing when they near the end. So I guess the solution is to either live in a coop, wait until your old enough to be placed in a retirement home, or get married. Unless anyone has any other suggestions?
- anondog 12y agoBrilliant point about the retirement homes. I'd never thought of them that way.