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"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be." How did you learn ?

by Kurtz79 12y ago

eshvk 12y ago
There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing. A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties. On the talking thing, for me, I used to overthink conversations. I still do on occasion. However, one thing that helped a lot was improv. When you realize the power of random statements that build on top of each other and create something amazing, you chill the fuck out and realize that the first thing you say doesn't matter that much. And also build a tough skin; because for every person who was OK with you as a quiet mouse, there will be someone else who absolutely detests you now that you have an opinion. Fuck em. Your job in life is to figure out the amazing beautiful people who you can have an amazing connection with.
- Xcelerate 12y ago
  > A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties. I am about as introverted as they come. However, with practice, I normally find I can become pretty good at things, so I've been working the last two years on being more outgoing and social. My problem is that people flake all the time nowadays. I don't mind planning events and inviting people, but they all flake at the last second and it's really quite annoying. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but then I realized everyone does it to everyone else. I don't dread social the interactions; I dread the inevitable flaking that everyone's going to do at the last second. So... my strategy recently is just ditching friends that flake and finding new ones. I'm not sure if this is the best idea though because I'm going through a lot of them quickly.
  - Jtsummers 12y ago
    Instead of "ditching friends", my approach to flakey people has been to mass invite people. I've ended up with a core of about 4-5 very reliable folks for any type of event I'd invite them to, and the rest can go or be louts and stay at home if they want (ok, only a few folks do this, the rest just overbook their time). EDIT: A note: There are a couple folks that I've effectively ditched. I no longer take their schedules into consideration because they were such a PITA. Folks: If people invite you to things every week because you tell them you want to be invited, and you never show, don't feel hurt when they stop considering your schedule. Pouty friends are annoying friends. Annoying friends cease to be friends.
shanecleveland 12y ago
Not sure how well it can be learned. It's not about an inability, but an aversion or preference not to. When it is important enough and risk and reward are worth it, you will find a way. As eshvk said above, It is exhausting. It just needs to be the right situation.
ergest 12y ago
I've achieved the same "feat" of being able to chat seemingly about nothing while being an introvert. What it took was introspection and a lucky read. I detail the mental refactoring I went through here: http://refactoredthinking.com/2012/10/14/how-i-cured-my-shyness-an-introduction-to-refactored-thinking/ http://refactoredthinking.com/2012/10/14/how-i-cured-my-shyn...
cleaver 12y ago
Like any skill, I'd suggest this requires practice. One way I found as an introvert was to join Toastmasters. I don't have a big fear of public speaking—I can do it if I have to, but being in practice makes a huge difference. I've seen incredible improvement in people after 3 or 4 speeches. Most clubs will have a social aspect and might gather for drinks afterwards. It makes a good way to practice smalltalk and keep in touch on a regular basis. There's usually a mix of people... some will be struggling with shyness and fear of speaking, others may be naturals and make good people to study for technique. I've fallen out of regular attendance lately, but I'd highly recommend Toastmasters.
- CCs 12y ago
  I second Toastmasters. It's good for speaking skills too http://www.manager-tools.com/2011/06/coaching-presentation-skills-with-toastmasters http://www.manager-tools.com/2011/06/coaching-presentation-s...
dsuth 12y ago
Introverts frequently have some good tools at their disposal to 'fake' being an extrovert - mostly observation and empathy. Being extroverted is really just putting the effort in to talk to people, and make them feel good about themselves. This builds rapport, and makes people want to talk to you more. The best advice I can give is to look at how more naturally outgoing people communicate, and then emulate it. Ask lots of questions to get people talking about themselves. Make lots of eye-contact to encourage people and convince them that you care about what they're saying. Reply showing you're listening. Share random stuff about yourself in breaks of conversation (doesn't matter what it is really, anything personal you share also builds rapport). You don't have to be the star of the party, but being an engaging convserationalist will help you to make excellent connections with people. The more you talk to people, the more you'll learn. If you share the things you learn with similar people, they'll get the impression that you're a social hub, and want to share more with you (because you have more to share with them). It snowballs pretty quickly. This coming from an out-and-out introvert who has learned when to flip the switch. I was on a 10-day business trip with ~20 people recently, and towards the end confided to one of my new friends that the whole thing, while excellent, was pretty taxing on me due to my introversion. He was so shocked, he looked like I'd slapped him! Pretty funny :D Edit: This probably goes without saying, but if you do the above, make sure you factor in downtime. Introverts playing extroverts is a very tiring game, you will probably need a day or two every now and then with next-to no interaction to recover.

"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be." How did you learn ?

by Kurtz79 12y ago

"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be." How did you learn ?

eshvk 12y ago

There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing. A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties. On the talking thing, for me, I used to overthink conversations. I still do on occasion. However, one thing that helped a lot was improv. When you realize the power of random statements that build on top of each other and create something amazing, you chill the fuck out and realize that the first thing you say doesn't matter that much. And also build a tough skin; because for every person who was OK with you as a quiet mouse, there will be someone else who absolutely detests you now that you have an opinion. Fuck em. Your job in life is to figure out the amazing beautiful people who you can have an amazing connection with.

Xcelerate 12y ago
> A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties. I am about as introverted as they come. However, with practice, I normally find I can become pretty good at things, so I've been working the last two years on being more outgoing and social. My problem is that people flake all the time nowadays. I don't mind planning events and inviting people, but they all flake at the last second and it's really quite annoying. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but then I realized everyone does it to everyone else. I don't dread social the interactions; I dread the inevitable flaking that everyone's going to do at the last second. So... my strategy recently is just ditching friends that flake and finding new ones. I'm not sure if this is the best idea though because I'm going through a lot of them quickly.
- Jtsummers 12y ago
  Instead of "ditching friends", my approach to flakey people has been to mass invite people. I've ended up with a core of about 4-5 very reliable folks for any type of event I'd invite them to, and the rest can go or be louts and stay at home if they want (ok, only a few folks do this, the rest just overbook their time). EDIT: A note: There are a couple folks that I've effectively ditched. I no longer take their schedules into consideration because they were such a PITA. Folks: If people invite you to things every week because you tell them you want to be invited, and you never show, don't feel hurt when they stop considering your schedule. Pouty friends are annoying friends. Annoying friends cease to be friends.

shanecleveland 12y ago

Not sure how well it can be learned. It's not about an inability, but an aversion or preference not to. When it is important enough and risk and reward are worth it, you will find a way. As eshvk said above, It is exhausting. It just needs to be the right situation.

ergest 12y ago

I've achieved the same "feat" of being able to chat seemingly about nothing while being an introvert. What it took was introspection and a lucky read. I detail the mental refactoring I went through here: http://refactoredthinking.com/2012/10/14/how-i-cured-my-shyness-an-introduction-to-refactored-thinking/ http://refactoredthinking.com/2012/10/14/how-i-cured-my-shyn...

cleaver 12y ago

Like any skill, I'd suggest this requires practice. One way I found as an introvert was to join Toastmasters. I don't have a big fear of public speaking—I can do it if I have to, but being in practice makes a huge difference. I've seen incredible improvement in people after 3 or 4 speeches. Most clubs will have a social aspect and might gather for drinks afterwards. It makes a good way to practice smalltalk and keep in touch on a regular basis. There's usually a mix of people... some will be struggling with shyness and fear of speaking, others may be naturals and make good people to study for technique. I've fallen out of regular attendance lately, but I'd highly recommend Toastmasters.

CCs 12y ago
I second Toastmasters. It's good for speaking skills too http://www.manager-tools.com/2011/06/coaching-presentation-skills-with-toastmasters http://www.manager-tools.com/2011/06/coaching-presentation-s...

dsuth 12y ago

Introverts frequently have some good tools at their disposal to 'fake' being an extrovert - mostly observation and empathy. Being extroverted is really just putting the effort in to talk to people, and make them feel good about themselves. This builds rapport, and makes people want to talk to you more. The best advice I can give is to look at how more naturally outgoing people communicate, and then emulate it. Ask lots of questions to get people talking about themselves. Make lots of eye-contact to encourage people and convince them that you care about what they're saying. Reply showing you're listening. Share random stuff about yourself in breaks of conversation (doesn't matter what it is really, anything personal you share also builds rapport). You don't have to be the star of the party, but being an engaging convserationalist will help you to make excellent connections with people. The more you talk to people, the more you'll learn. If you share the things you learn with similar people, they'll get the impression that you're a social hub, and want to share more with you (because you have more to share with them). It snowballs pretty quickly. This coming from an out-and-out introvert who has learned when to flip the switch. I was on a 10-day business trip with ~20 people recently, and towards the end confided to one of my new friends that the whole thing, while excellent, was pretty taxing on me due to my introversion. He was so shocked, he looked like I'd slapped him! Pretty funny :D Edit: This probably goes without saying, but if you do the above, make sure you factor in downtime. Introverts playing extroverts is a very tiring game, you will probably need a day or two every now and then with next-to no interaction to recover.