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Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how you sta

Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how you stay in touch. Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead of you in line at the supermarket. You could ask your coworkers to hang out, or join them for lunch. You could go to meetup groups, or meet people online and transition to real-world encounters. Point is, "How do I meet people?" is the most commonly asked question -- and it's usually the wrong one. If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment. I hate making plans. But once I'm in mid-plan with a friend or two, I have a great time. And yet, somehow I never seem to put two and two together. I tend to decline or avoid a lot of social plans. I'm sabotaging my own friendships when I do that. Friendships are like pets; they need to be fed, walked, and watered. Some of your friends will be super outgoing, and they'll do most of the work for you. But some of your friends won't; they'll be the passive party and expect you to make the plans. And either type of friend will occasionally, if not often, expect you to make the plans. That's what happens in a mutual friendship. So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people, or is it about staying engaged with people? If it's about meeting people (shyness), there is plenty of good advice on this thread about how to do it. If it's about spending time with people (introversion), that's going to require some regular, concerted effort to battle against your own inclinations. Sort of like battling the urge to procrastinate. You'll have to battle the urge to self-isolate. You'll want to focus less on the initial "ugh" factor in making or anticipating plans, and more on the fun you'll be having when you're hanging out. Friendships don't just click into place on the first interaction between two or more people. They depend on proximity and frequency. They take time to develop, and once they've developed, they need to be maintained. They are conditional, and you need to live up to whatever the conditions may be in any given relationship. You're not going to ask a coworker to lunch and become friends at the end of that meal. You're going to ask that same coworker to lunch a second time, and eventually a third. And maybe you'll be friends at the end of the fourth meal.

conistonwater 12y ago
> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. This sort of statement sounds suspicious to me. Are you absolutely sure your meaning of introvert isn't idiosyncratic? This is the sort of thing I remember David Hume writing an essay about. If someone wants to be alone, there is absolutely nothing non-genuine about that desire, even if it's unproductive or you yourself think someone should want something else instead. The response to "I want X but I can't make work" probably shouldn't be "You should want Y instead". Different people also want different things from friendships. So if there are two friends, and one sees hanging out as only the means to establishing a deeper intimate friendship, but hanging out and having fun is the main purpose of the friendship to the other, then that's not such a great friendship. I don't think what you said is necessarily very good advice.
- jonnathanson 12y ago
  "This sort of statement sounds suspicious to me. Are you absolutely sure your meaning of introvert isn't idiosyncratic?" The problem is that there are a number of different ways to categorize an extraversion-introversion spectrum, and on top of that, there are many different connotations of introversion and extraversion. It might help if I clarify which definition I'm referring to. It's not very idiosyncratic; rather, it's the classical definition of introversion as "primarily interested in, or taking pleasure in, solitary activities." Occasionally this is rendered as a locus-of-energy distinction: extraverts derive energy from social situations and "tire" of isolation; introverts derive energy from alone time and "tire" from too much social interaction. Modern connotations of introversion tend to conflate introversion with shyness or awkwardness. While these traits can be correlated, they are not the same thing as introversion. "If someone wants to be alone, there is absolutely nothing non-genuine about that desire" Nor did I say there was. I'm just stating that desire to be alone is often at odds with one's ability to keep friendships active and thriving. It's not wrong to be alone, or to want to be alone. But the introvert needs to be mindful of this desire, particularly to whatever extent it interferes with conflicting goals, such as wanting more friends. In this case, the author specifically stated a desire to make more friends. So I wrote from the presumption of that intent. I'm not rendering any value judgments about introversion or extraversion here. It's not "wrong" to be introverted, or to derive mental or emotional stimulation and energy from being alone. As I mentioned, I myself am a strong introvert in this respect. I don't think I'm a damaged or flawed individual because I'm introverted. Rather, I'm mindful of the fact that my introversion, if I always give into it, can cause problems for my social life. And so I attempt to moderate it, as I do with any of my strong personality traits. "Different people also want different things from friendships. So if there are two friends, and one sees hanging out as only the means to establishing a deeper intimate friendship, but hanging out and having fun is the main purpose of the friendship to the other, then that's not such a great friendship." Sure, but that doesn't change the basic facts of social interaction, such as frequency and proximity. You need to interact on a regular basis with someone to maintain a friendship, regardless of what you enjoy doing in that friendship. It doesn't matter if the friendship is predicated on grabbing beers, having deep, philosophical discussions, building things together, traveling, or having sex. At its most basic level, the friendship depends on N encounters over an X period to remain stable. N and X might differ for different pairings of people, but some number N and some recurring interval X usually exist.

conistonwater 12y ago

> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. This sort of statement sounds suspicious to me. Are you absolutely sure your meaning of introvert isn't idiosyncratic? This is the sort of thing I remember David Hume writing an essay about. If someone wants to be alone, there is absolutely nothing non-genuine about that desire, even if it's unproductive or you yourself think someone should want something else instead. The response to "I want X but I can't make work" probably shouldn't be "You should want Y instead". Different people also want different things from friendships. So if there are two friends, and one sees hanging out as only the means to establishing a deeper intimate friendship, but hanging out and having fun is the main purpose of the friendship to the other, then that's not such a great friendship. I don't think what you said is necessarily very good advice.

jonnathanson 12y ago
"This sort of statement sounds suspicious to me. Are you absolutely sure your meaning of introvert isn't idiosyncratic?" The problem is that there are a number of different ways to categorize an extraversion-introversion spectrum, and on top of that, there are many different connotations of introversion and extraversion. It might help if I clarify which definition I'm referring to. It's not very idiosyncratic; rather, it's the classical definition of introversion as "primarily interested in, or taking pleasure in, solitary activities." Occasionally this is rendered as a locus-of-energy distinction: extraverts derive energy from social situations and "tire" of isolation; introverts derive energy from alone time and "tire" from too much social interaction. Modern connotations of introversion tend to conflate introversion with shyness or awkwardness. While these traits can be correlated, they are not the same thing as introversion. "If someone wants to be alone, there is absolutely nothing non-genuine about that desire" Nor did I say there was. I'm just stating that desire to be alone is often at odds with one's ability to keep friendships active and thriving. It's not wrong to be alone, or to want to be alone. But the introvert needs to be mindful of this desire, particularly to whatever extent it interferes with conflicting goals, such as wanting more friends. In this case, the author specifically stated a desire to make more friends. So I wrote from the presumption of that intent. I'm not rendering any value judgments about introversion or extraversion here. It's not "wrong" to be introverted, or to derive mental or emotional stimulation and energy from being alone. As I mentioned, I myself am a strong introvert in this respect. I don't think I'm a damaged or flawed individual because I'm introverted. Rather, I'm mindful of the fact that my introversion, if I always give into it, can cause problems for my social life. And so I attempt to moderate it, as I do with any of my strong personality traits. "Different people also want different things from friendships. So if there are two friends, and one sees hanging out as only the means to establishing a deeper intimate friendship, but hanging out and having fun is the main purpose of the friendship to the other, then that's not such a great friendship." Sure, but that doesn't change the basic facts of social interaction, such as frequency and proximity. You need to interact on a regular basis with someone to maintain a friendship, regardless of what you enjoy doing in that friendship. It doesn't matter if the friendship is predicated on grabbing beers, having deep, philosophical discussions, building things together, traveling, or having sex. At its most basic level, the friendship depends on N encounters over an X period to remain stable. N and X might differ for different pairings of people, but some number N and some recurring interval X usually exist.