5 ms·

The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this

by drblast 12y ago

The thought occurred to me while reading this that there are probably lots of 33-year-old non-virgins who nevertheless have not had the caring relationship this man wants. I think the sex is irrelevant. Although I'd have to advise this guy to just go get laid so it's not a sticking point in his relationships. And it's just fun. Go have fun with someone. It's sex, not a rocket launch.

colmvp 12y ago
Not that I think you are implying this but it's not easy for everyone to get laid. I could elaborate on that point but my thinking is that this submission is going to get kicked off the front page so it seems futile. Also if you read his story he writes: "Every girl I’ve ever cared for has rejected me." So it's not like he didn't try.
- deleted 12y ago
  [deleted]
- c23gooey 12y ago
  yet then he goes on to say his last big rejection was 15 years ago. if he is holding on to the hurt from that long ago, im not surprised there is no one who wants to get intimate with him.
  - 2muchcoffeeman 12y ago
    To be fair, most women are probably not going to reject you in front of tens of other people, frame you for a bomb scare and then call your mom to say that that they hung out with you out of pity. His standards for 'big' are perhaps higher than yours or mine.
  - colmvp 12y ago
    Last big rejection != last rejection
dpeck 12y ago
That is actually pretty terrible advice for a lot of people. Not everyone can/wants to separate sex from intimacy and that can lead to quite a few problems as well.
- throwaway2719 12y ago
  Indeed. To me, sex is the ultimate intimacy and I can't really imagine doing it on a casual basis, nor do I think I'd enjoy that very much. Sex as an expression of deep commitment to another person is one of the best experiences two people can share. But I can empathize with the subject in the OP. After several painful breakups and the ultimate, a failed marriage, I'm done with it. I don't care if I ever have sex again. I'm not getting back on that roller coaster, the pleasure is not worth the pain.
  - indrax 12y ago
    If it's that bad, you need to take that as evidence that your attitudes of sex lead to problems, not the advice to have fun.
    - jacquesm 12y ago
      Consider that he may just have had a streak of bad luck rather than to jump to conclusions. Life can be pretty harsh and if you're hit with a series of blows then it is natural to try to avoid further blows, it is way out of line to point to that as 'evidence' that you have an attitude problem. That's the sort of thing reserved for people who have never had a streak of bad luck, which is great but that does not mean it holds across the board. Shit really does happen, and some people have more of it in their lives than they deserve. Note that I'm explicitly not talking about myself here, but I have some examples in my circle of friends that have received a disproportionate amount of bad luck and I can see how it affects them. Some are lucky, some are unlucky, it can't be helped and is no proof of 'attitude' or anything like that without knowing a lot more about the individual.
      - indrax 12y ago
haberdash 12y ago
Throwaway. Correct for part. I'm in a similar situation, but only 28. Five years to go. Twelve to a movie. In my mind—and this is entirely anecdotal—sex and relationships are merely a checkpoint for the life of a person. It's nothing more than a signifier, of which people place a negative connotation on being a virgin. I'm not here by choice, but by inability to progress against these signifiers. While I agree with your point about the sex being irrelevant, the entirety of the statement of "It's sex" framed as a triviality is dead wrong. I, and I assume most other virgins, have severe issues with dealing with social cues. When you say "someone" who is that? Is it someone at the bar? A friendly glance at work? I can't tell. I'm pretty bad at learning social cues. I'm not sure where to do them. Or at who. And because I'm bad at learning those social cues, I'm afraid to be forward. A friend who was sexually harassed at work gave me the advice to try a small company because "they have more relationships between coworkers there." It's somewhat irrelevant advice given how tone-deaf I am to general human interactions. Kind of ironic too, considering I probably couldn't tell the difference between harmless office flirting and sexual harassment. Which is why it's precluded in my mind. Much like T.H. White's Merlin, I realize my doom, but am unable to change it. I'm guessing it's a chemical issue with my locus of control. EDIT: I spend a majority of my free time in the gym. I'm very fit, so it's not a matter of appearance. Minus any crazy expression on my face.
- dnautics 12y ago
  You should be afraid to be forward. You could get accused of sexual harassment. It's totally incredible that someone who was sexually harassed at work gave you advice to "try a small company", because that is completely reckless advice and can lead to potentially illegal behavior. Edit: I mean incredible in the colloquial sense, not the literal ("I don't believe you") sense.
  - haberdash 12y ago
    Yeah, I'm not quite sure what's going on with that. It might have been facetious, we tend to joke about each other. I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow. There was one thing for her even worse than that, which would make her recommendation even more incredible to you. We're good enough friends to talk about things like that, I wonder if she's projecting her internal views of me on to other people. No more about my friend, please. I feel wrong alluding to these situations.

by drblast 12y ago

colmvp 12y ago

Not that I think you are implying this but it's not easy for everyone to get laid. I could elaborate on that point but my thinking is that this submission is going to get kicked off the front page so it seems futile. Also if you read his story he writes: "Every girl I’ve ever cared for has rejected me." So it's not like he didn't try.

deleted 12y ago
[deleted]
c23gooey 12y ago
yet then he goes on to say his last big rejection was 15 years ago. if he is holding on to the hurt from that long ago, im not surprised there is no one who wants to get intimate with him.
- 2muchcoffeeman 12y ago
  To be fair, most women are probably not going to reject you in front of tens of other people, frame you for a bomb scare and then call your mom to say that that they hung out with you out of pity. His standards for 'big' are perhaps higher than yours or mine.
- colmvp 12y ago
  Last big rejection != last rejection

dpeck 12y ago

That is actually pretty terrible advice for a lot of people. Not everyone can/wants to separate sex from intimacy and that can lead to quite a few problems as well.

throwaway2719 12y ago
Indeed. To me, sex is the ultimate intimacy and I can't really imagine doing it on a casual basis, nor do I think I'd enjoy that very much. Sex as an expression of deep commitment to another person is one of the best experiences two people can share. But I can empathize with the subject in the OP. After several painful breakups and the ultimate, a failed marriage, I'm done with it. I don't care if I ever have sex again. I'm not getting back on that roller coaster, the pleasure is not worth the pain.
- indrax 12y ago
  If it's that bad, you need to take that as evidence that your attitudes of sex lead to problems, not the advice to have fun.
  - jacquesm 12y ago
    Consider that he may just have had a streak of bad luck rather than to jump to conclusions. Life can be pretty harsh and if you're hit with a series of blows then it is natural to try to avoid further blows, it is way out of line to point to that as 'evidence' that you have an attitude problem. That's the sort of thing reserved for people who have never had a streak of bad luck, which is great but that does not mean it holds across the board. Shit really does happen, and some people have more of it in their lives than they deserve. Note that I'm explicitly not talking about myself here, but I have some examples in my circle of friends that have received a disproportionate amount of bad luck and I can see how it affects them. Some are lucky, some are unlucky, it can't be helped and is no proof of 'attitude' or anything like that without knowing a lot more about the individual.
    - indrax 12y ago

haberdash 12y ago

Throwaway. Correct for part. I'm in a similar situation, but only 28. Five years to go. Twelve to a movie. In my mind—and this is entirely anecdotal—sex and relationships are merely a checkpoint for the life of a person. It's nothing more than a signifier, of which people place a negative connotation on being a virgin. I'm not here by choice, but by inability to progress against these signifiers. While I agree with your point about the sex being irrelevant, the entirety of the statement of "It's sex" framed as a triviality is dead wrong. I, and I assume most other virgins, have severe issues with dealing with social cues. When you say "someone" who is that? Is it someone at the bar? A friendly glance at work? I can't tell. I'm pretty bad at learning social cues. I'm not sure where to do them. Or at who. And because I'm bad at learning those social cues, I'm afraid to be forward. A friend who was sexually harassed at work gave me the advice to try a small company because "they have more relationships between coworkers there." It's somewhat irrelevant advice given how tone-deaf I am to general human interactions. Kind of ironic too, considering I probably couldn't tell the difference between harmless office flirting and sexual harassment. Which is why it's precluded in my mind. Much like T.H. White's Merlin, I realize my doom, but am unable to change it. I'm guessing it's a chemical issue with my locus of control. EDIT: I spend a majority of my free time in the gym. I'm very fit, so it's not a matter of appearance. Minus any crazy expression on my face.

dnautics 12y ago
You should be afraid to be forward. You could get accused of sexual harassment. It's totally incredible that someone who was sexually harassed at work gave you advice to "try a small company", because that is completely reckless advice and can lead to potentially illegal behavior. Edit: I mean incredible in the colloquial sense, not the literal ("I don't believe you") sense.
- haberdash 12y ago
  Yeah, I'm not quite sure what's going on with that. It might have been facetious, we tend to joke about each other. I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow. There was one thing for her even worse than that, which would make her recommendation even more incredible to you. We're good enough friends to talk about things like that, I wonder if she's projecting her internal views of me on to other people. No more about my friend, please. I feel wrong alluding to these situations.