3 ms·

Growing up, I think the reason I as a nerd was unpopular was: 1) Lack of a sense of style: I did not give any thought to dressing well until I took a UX des

Growing up, I think the reason I as a nerd was unpopular was: 1) Lack of a sense of style: I did not give any thought to dressing well until I took a UX design class in Junior year in college. Before then, I thought of it as something utterly frivolous. 2) Lack of common conversation topics: I wanted to talk about military history and politics and physics. Very few people in elementary and high school were interested in that. So I got very little practice in conversation skills. 3) Not just of social skills, but knowledge of how to learn social skills: I had been painfully aware since 3rd grade that I lacked "social skills", but I really didn't know what these were or how to learn them. I did read How to Win Friends and Influence People in Jr. High, but it taught me little about how to hold a conversation. Even to this day, I don't actually know how to go about gaining social skills or what those skills actually are. Just one month ago, I learned that there was a skill to conversing so as to make sure everyone present had the context to understand the conversation and wouldn't feel excluded. If I'm now 24 and only just now realized this, what other things have I missed? Why might nerds in general have the problems I had? #1 takes money, which kids don't have until starting age 16. #2 sort of defines nerdiness: if you have this set of interests you're a nerd. If other people have these interests, you're lucky. #3 is hard because it must be learned by a means that are different from academic knowledge or a fandom's canon. You can't really read things[1] and tinker with things and work through problem sets to figure out. Near as I can tell, you just have to have a lot of social interaction and be very aware and attentive to people as you do so. [1] There are some books and blogs that are useful: - How to Win Friends and Influence People (general; a classic) - What Every Body is Saying (Body language) - Dr. Nerdlove (dating) - Cpt. Awkward (dating & other relationships) - Getting to Yes (negotiation) - Difficult Conversations (understanding emotional impact of words)

karmelapple 12y ago
For #3, I strongly recommend Leil Lowndes's How to Talk to Anyone. It directly addresses those ways to make people comfortable that are typically not plainly laid out. Everything is in easy to digest chunks, the book can be read nonlinearly, and it's held up over time. A few years ago I cracked it open again after having it read it very carefully many years before that. I was shocked how many techniques I had internalized to the point that I thought they were my own ideas, but paging through the book reminded me how much I learned. Thanks Leil! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/007141858X?pc_redir=1400207054&robot_redir=1 http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/007141858X?pc_redir=1400207054...
- afarrell 12y ago
  Just got the audiobook. Seems pretty good. Thanks!
coldtea 12y ago
>I did read How to Win Friends and Influence People in Jr. High, but it taught me little about how to hold a conversation. Even to this day, I don't actually know how to go about gaining social skills or what those skills actually are. Here's a few things I picked up along the way: 1) Regarding small talk, don't be afraid to talk BS inconsequential stuff. Not every conversation has to be productive or have a deeper meaning. 2) As you say, everybody in a conversation has to feel included. If someone from in your company is not familiar with a subject, narrow it down and provide context, or drop it. 3) Avoid being too preachy and teacher-like. It's OK they don't know X fact, even if you feel everybody should know about it (e.g someone not knowing who Bob Dylan is or that the web is not the same as the internet). Also, unless they look deeply interested in you explaining it, they probabky are not. 4) Laugh at other people's jokes, even if they are not that good. Put in a few jokes yourself, especially some that don't require special knowledge. Not all jokes have to be inside jokes (something we nerds usually are guilty of). 5) Empathy trumps everything. Try to feel the other's pain. Discussing thermodynamics or Haskell is good, but if the other guy is currently concerned about his health problem or just had a spouse abandon them, talk about that too. That includes conversations between nerds too.

karmelapple 12y ago

For #3, I strongly recommend Leil Lowndes's How to Talk to Anyone. It directly addresses those ways to make people comfortable that are typically not plainly laid out. Everything is in easy to digest chunks, the book can be read nonlinearly, and it's held up over time. A few years ago I cracked it open again after having it read it very carefully many years before that. I was shocked how many techniques I had internalized to the point that I thought they were my own ideas, but paging through the book reminded me how much I learned. Thanks Leil! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/007141858X?pc_redir=1400207054&robot_redir=1 http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/007141858X?pc_redir=1400207054...

afarrell 12y ago
Just got the audiobook. Seems pretty good. Thanks!

coldtea 12y ago

>I did read How to Win Friends and Influence People in Jr. High, but it taught me little about how to hold a conversation. Even to this day, I don't actually know how to go about gaining social skills or what those skills actually are. Here's a few things I picked up along the way: 1) Regarding small talk, don't be afraid to talk BS inconsequential stuff. Not every conversation has to be productive or have a deeper meaning. 2) As you say, everybody in a conversation has to feel included. If someone from in your company is not familiar with a subject, narrow it down and provide context, or drop it. 3) Avoid being too preachy and teacher-like. It's OK they don't know X fact, even if you feel everybody should know about it (e.g someone not knowing who Bob Dylan is or that the web is not the same as the internet). Also, unless they look deeply interested in you explaining it, they probabky are not. 4) Laugh at other people's jokes, even if they are not that good. Put in a few jokes yourself, especially some that don't require special knowledge. Not all jokes have to be inside jokes (something we nerds usually are guilty of). 5) Empathy trumps everything. Try to feel the other's pain. Discussing thermodynamics or Haskell is good, but if the other guy is currently concerned about his health problem or just had a spouse abandon them, talk about that too. That includes conversations between nerds too.