3 ms·

Assuming that it's not just the usual case that you are just starting off, and they have been doing it for years, maybe even decades, assuming that it's a fair

by vijucat 12y ago

Assuming that it's not just the usual case that you are just starting off, and they have been doing it for years, maybe even decades, assuming that it's a fair apples to apples comparison, and that they actually are superior, do yourself a favour and don't listen to the other advice about it being a "syndrome" (impostor syndrome or otherwise) or some "principle" : own that feeling. Try saying, "Damn, these people are good. And I'm nowhere close to them, not even in the same league". Trust me : acknowledging reality is so, so therapeutic and relaxing that it is a strength by itself. Your anxious mind, previously beset with envy, will suddenly calm down and be able to move on. You will be able to take a deep breath. And then the magic happens : there is an immediate and concentrated focus on the current moment, the reality of being who you are, wherever you are, accepted by every cell of your body. You are so aware of the present moment. In this calm state of assessment, you are already beyond your past feelings of weakness and...and what happens depends, but for me, most of the time, I end up being able to figure out where I can excel and be happy. I am able to ask the Real Questions. While this may sound like a motivational seminar or even a religious one, the reason why it is so generic is that I cannot know what happens after you accept that they are better. I cannot know what exact magic happens. But avoiding the feelings, suppression, is where the problems lie. With psychological suppression, the anxiety never ends. With psychological integration, calmness and health prevail. Us engineers are really bad at this stuff (low EQ), hence so many answers fit the template of avoidance and suppression or worse, false motivation : "you can do it! keep trying!". How do these people know you can? Maybe you suck. You need not conclude that, but you should consider that. May reality be with you!

thenomad 12y ago
That's advice that is useful in some circumstances and very dangerous in others. People DO underestimate their own abilities, and it can be very damaging to their careers and lives. For example, I have a friend who genuinely has world-class skills in a couple of areas, but spends most of his self-talk time telling himself that he's not as good as anyone else at those things. That's done significant harm to his health, livelihood and happiness. Telling him, as you seem to be, to just accept all those false beliefs about his inadequacy isn't going to help even a little bit. Having said that: you do make a very valuable point. If the other people really are better than you, then it's far more valuable to acknowledge that. But it's very important to be sure you're right in your estimation of your own skill before coming to that conclusion. Whilst it make be the case for you personally that you never underrate your own skills, that's far from universal.
- vijucat 12y ago
  I have to agree with you. I remember being depressed when I was younger and it really did cloud my judgement; I could not assess situations objectively and was beating myself up unnecessarily. OP, please tread with caution regarding my advice.
  - septerr 12y ago
    Thanks both to you and thenomad for your replies. vijucat, your answer reminds me of Eckhart Tolle[1]. I have a tendency towards depression. And among other things I have listened to Eckhart in past to deal with it. And he helped me greatly. I feel like you are right. Intuitively I feel I need to simply acknowledge that these folks are better than me at this thing and I should admire their skill without envy. I feel like it will be a great weight off of me when I am able to do that. And I understand what you mean by you don't know what would follow after that. I have found that in situations where I have stopped fighting 'what is', things have turned out such that the cause of my struggle was removed. 'What is' became 'what I wanted'. Maybe this is what will happen again. I do feel I have the ability to master this frontend development but comparison with others has become a debilitating factor. In any case, I have decided to make my goal #1 to become able to acknowledge others' achievements and skill without pangs of envy. [1] http://www.amazon.com/Eckhart-Tolle/e/B001H6GZ5K http://www.amazon.com/Eckhart-Tolle/e/B001H6GZ5K EDIT: added link to Eckhart Tolle.
read 12y ago
To deal with inferiority, don't take yourself seriously. First off, there are signs fear is good in helping you choose what to do next. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it. - Steven Pressfield I try never to be governed by fear; that's how I choose things. If I ever feel that this is dangerous or I'm scared of it, then that probably draws me more towards it. - Nicole Kidman If you're not worrying that something you're making will come out badly, or that you won't be able to understand something you're studying, then it isn't hard enough. There has to be suspense. - Paul Graham But like other people in this thread said, it's important to not be afraid of making mistakes. Nothing will stop you being creative so effectively as the fear of making a mistake. - John Cleese So how do you deal with inferiority? Pressure yourself to not have expectations. Expectations kill creativity. Creative people might have a childlike state partly to counteract pressure of expectations, which then frees them to have thoughts their unconscious felt it wasn't allowed to have otherwise. (low EQ) I'm going on a limb here, but personally I make a lot of programming decisions emotionally. When something smells off with the design of a solution it makes me grow uncomfortable in playing along, and that turns out to be a good thing because it leads to a better solution. I wonder how many other programmers either are, or choose to confess they are, emotional in how they choose what to program.
- septerr 12y ago
  I think I am emotional about programming. My intuition, more than 'design principles' guides me design choices during coding.

by vijucat 12y ago

thenomad 12y ago

That's advice that is useful in some circumstances and very dangerous in others. People DO underestimate their own abilities, and it can be very damaging to their careers and lives. For example, I have a friend who genuinely has world-class skills in a couple of areas, but spends most of his self-talk time telling himself that he's not as good as anyone else at those things. That's done significant harm to his health, livelihood and happiness. Telling him, as you seem to be, to just accept all those false beliefs about his inadequacy isn't going to help even a little bit. Having said that: you do make a very valuable point. If the other people really are better than you, then it's far more valuable to acknowledge that. But it's very important to be sure you're right in your estimation of your own skill before coming to that conclusion. Whilst it make be the case for you personally that you never underrate your own skills, that's far from universal.

vijucat 12y ago
I have to agree with you. I remember being depressed when I was younger and it really did cloud my judgement; I could not assess situations objectively and was beating myself up unnecessarily. OP, please tread with caution regarding my advice.
- septerr 12y ago
  Thanks both to you and thenomad for your replies. vijucat, your answer reminds me of Eckhart Tolle[1]. I have a tendency towards depression. And among other things I have listened to Eckhart in past to deal with it. And he helped me greatly. I feel like you are right. Intuitively I feel I need to simply acknowledge that these folks are better than me at this thing and I should admire their skill without envy. I feel like it will be a great weight off of me when I am able to do that. And I understand what you mean by you don't know what would follow after that. I have found that in situations where I have stopped fighting 'what is', things have turned out such that the cause of my struggle was removed. 'What is' became 'what I wanted'. Maybe this is what will happen again. I do feel I have the ability to master this frontend development but comparison with others has become a debilitating factor. In any case, I have decided to make my goal #1 to become able to acknowledge others' achievements and skill without pangs of envy. [1] http://www.amazon.com/Eckhart-Tolle/e/B001H6GZ5K http://www.amazon.com/Eckhart-Tolle/e/B001H6GZ5K EDIT: added link to Eckhart Tolle.

read 12y ago

To deal with inferiority, don't take yourself seriously. First off, there are signs fear is good in helping you choose what to do next. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it. - Steven Pressfield I try never to be governed by fear; that's how I choose things. If I ever feel that this is dangerous or I'm scared of it, then that probably draws me more towards it. - Nicole Kidman If you're not worrying that something you're making will come out badly, or that you won't be able to understand something you're studying, then it isn't hard enough. There has to be suspense. - Paul Graham But like other people in this thread said, it's important to not be afraid of making mistakes. Nothing will stop you being creative so effectively as the fear of making a mistake. - John Cleese So how do you deal with inferiority? Pressure yourself to not have expectations. Expectations kill creativity. Creative people might have a childlike state partly to counteract pressure of expectations, which then frees them to have thoughts their unconscious felt it wasn't allowed to have otherwise. (low EQ) I'm going on a limb here, but personally I make a lot of programming decisions emotionally. When something smells off with the design of a solution it makes me grow uncomfortable in playing along, and that turns out to be a good thing because it leads to a better solution. I wonder how many other programmers either are, or choose to confess they are, emotional in how they choose what to program.

septerr 12y ago
I think I am emotional about programming. My intuition, more than 'design principles' guides me design choices during coding.