3 ms·

Thanks to a curious Google search four days ago, I just found the obituary for my father, who died after a long battle with cancer ... three years ago. Didn't s

by byuu 12y ago

Thanks to a curious Google search four days ago, I just found the obituary for my father, who died after a long battle with cancer ... three years ago. Didn't specify which kind. I never really knew him: all added up, I spent maybe two or three weeks of time with him. Almost all of which were from me calling him and asking if I could visit. So many times he'd say he had plans or just not show up. I just got tired of always reaching out to him, so I decided I'd leave it to him if he wanted to reach out back. Haven't seen him or spoken to him in fifteen years. Maybe I should have kept trying, but at some point you just take the hint that you're not cared about. I never thought I would be saddened by his eventual death, and indeed, no tears were shed. But when I stop and think about it, there's this ... feeling like your stomach is being dropped. You can logically consider the finality of death, but it really is quite different when it's actually real. Just knowing that now, you can never, ever change things. He didn't die of a heart attack or in a car accident: he clearly knew he was going to die for some time. As callous as that man was to me, I never thought he'd be so selfish as to not reach out in his last days. If not for his sake, then at least for mine, for a chance to say goodbye. Perhaps I can kid myself and say he was too ashamed, but I know deep down that he just didn't care. There was always this hope that one day he'd feel some inkling of regret and we could reconcile, at least as much as one could with a father who wasn't there. But now that he's dead, there's no longer any sliver of chance. He will now always be a selfish man. I find myself angry that I am angry about his passing. It makes me feel awful that I can't even grieve at the loss of a parent like a normal human being would. But maybe this is better than the pain the author of this story went through: watching someone you truly love deteriorate and pass right before your eyes.

digitalengineer 12y ago
Perhaps the thought of trying to become a good/better dad when it's your turn might help reduce the anger? I don't know you (or how old you are) but thinking how you would bring up your kid (if that is what you'd like some day) could help you right now. I had a talk once with a friend in the same situation and he found even just saving some money for his future kid made him feel like he was already being a good father. Just a thought...
- benjohnson 12y ago
  >Perhaps the thought of trying to become a good/better dad when it's your turn might help reduce the anger? This is very wise! My miserable childhood has been fully eclipsed by giving my own children a content and dignified childhood. I no longer care about my past - it's just a source of learning for me now.
hessenwolf 12y ago
One day I am going to find out the same thing about mine. He almost died a few years ago, so I contacted him on facebook, to see if it was something genetic I should be worried about. It was necrotizing fasciitis, so no worries. A dead parent is a loss that happens once, but a parent that rejects you happens constantly, every single moment of your shared lifetime. The consistency of the selfishness is what gets you. No matter how often you forget about it, one day it is there again. This birthday was ignored too. I grew up envying the ones whose parents had died. More recently, I've met people with abusive parents. So, we sit around middle ground. Not exactly HN stuff, but it was nice to read your comment from the perspective of a fellow tech in a similar situation.
galephico 12y ago
I've been through a similar situation. An important part of the grief was to accept that my father would never be the one he was supposed to be. He would never fill the role I expected.
abdulhaq 12y ago
Your Dad let you down so badly, I feel for you. It seems like he didn't spend enough time with you to bond, I'm sure there were so many other issues in his head that you will never know about. You did well to keep trying as you did, it's understandable you gave up in the end. The pain you feel is a testament to your heart and soul, I expect it will fade but never quite disappear.

by byuu 12y ago

digitalengineer 12y ago

Perhaps the thought of trying to become a good/better dad when it's your turn might help reduce the anger? I don't know you (or how old you are) but thinking how you would bring up your kid (if that is what you'd like some day) could help you right now. I had a talk once with a friend in the same situation and he found even just saving some money for his future kid made him feel like he was already being a good father. Just a thought...

benjohnson 12y ago
>Perhaps the thought of trying to become a good/better dad when it's your turn might help reduce the anger? This is very wise! My miserable childhood has been fully eclipsed by giving my own children a content and dignified childhood. I no longer care about my past - it's just a source of learning for me now.

hessenwolf 12y ago

One day I am going to find out the same thing about mine. He almost died a few years ago, so I contacted him on facebook, to see if it was something genetic I should be worried about. It was necrotizing fasciitis, so no worries. A dead parent is a loss that happens once, but a parent that rejects you happens constantly, every single moment of your shared lifetime. The consistency of the selfishness is what gets you. No matter how often you forget about it, one day it is there again. This birthday was ignored too. I grew up envying the ones whose parents had died. More recently, I've met people with abusive parents. So, we sit around middle ground. Not exactly HN stuff, but it was nice to read your comment from the perspective of a fellow tech in a similar situation.

galephico 12y ago

I've been through a similar situation. An important part of the grief was to accept that my father would never be the one he was supposed to be. He would never fill the role I expected.

abdulhaq 12y ago

Your Dad let you down so badly, I feel for you. It seems like he didn't spend enough time with you to bond, I'm sure there were so many other issues in his head that you will never know about. You did well to keep trying as you did, it's understandable you gave up in the end. The pain you feel is a testament to your heart and soul, I expect it will fade but never quite disappear.