I am a new doctor in my fourth week of a 3 month oncology term. My region doesn't have a hospice so most of our patients are palliative, and the only ones I int

I am a new doctor in my fourth week of a 3 month oncology term. My region doesn't have a hospice so most of our patients are palliative, and the only ones I interact with have all been given death sentences. It terrified me for my first 2 weeks- being surrounded by patients with metastatic cancer and you begin to see it in everyone, walking down the street or doing the shopping, in the faces of everyone you meet. But now I have become more accustomed to that. So the worst now is dealing with the patients that are young. When the patient is 80+, you can at least feel happy that they have lived a lifetimes worth of potential. But when they have kids the same age as me, I see a parent with weddings and births of grandchildren ahead, and I hate it. Just this afternoon - not more than 2 hours ago- I had to place a catheter for a 53 yr old patient that has a very small tumour burden, but it is in his liver obscuring his biliary drainage and now he is dying of live failure. His wife is understandably a wreck but his stoicism is almost more terrifying... Today he asked repeatedly 'why is it taking so long?' At the same time we have an 86 year old woman with metastatic lung cancer who has been living with her disease for 8 years and will go home later this week, likely to live another 6-12 months. She may even outlive her oncologist, who was diagnosed with renal carcinoma 3 months ago and has been treating her for 8 years. The randomness of it is perhaps the most shocking.. And all the while you must contend with the knowledge that i have a 1 in 3 chance of going through cancer myself. Illness is horrible and unfortunately prevention is still much more successful than treatment.