3 ms·

i had to learn the opposite message here. our society tells us so much stuff about being kind and caring, and there are very few messages about being able to st

i had to learn the opposite message here. our society tells us so much stuff about being kind and caring, and there are very few messages about being able to stick up for yourself, being able to make reasonable requests and being able to say no to people who are not treating you fairly. i had a roommate who didn't pay rent. i couldn't bring myself to confront the roommate because i felt like i "made of lot of money" and they didn't make much money and they had problems. i imagined them arguing with me and was scared and hurt by this image; i have no way to tell someone 'i deserve what i have and you don't' because i know i was born into a loving family that raised me and took care of me and pushed me to succeed. i can't take credit for those things. i finally had to tell myself "it's not just ok to put yourself first. you have to insist on it; if you don't get rent from your roommate, you're letting them take from the people you love took; when your roommate doesn't pay rent, they are ruining your mood which hurts your friends and family." it's hard. i finally said 'fuck being a good person, i'll do what i want and what benefits me and those i love.' this doesn't mean i go around being an ass to people all the time; i'm still generous when i tip and i try to look out for people. but now i'm different. if i sense someone is trying to abuse or push me around at all, i see them as a predator. when homeless people asking for money used to make me feel like a bad person for being successful, now i see them as predators who use negative emotions to try and take my positive feelings away. yes, they're suffering. but i can't help them, and giving them money doesn't help them either. show your kids how to be good, sure. but for god's sake teach them to say no to people who make unreasonable requests, and give them practice asking for things they are owed.

jeffdavis 13y ago
I think you are trying to separate things into "morally good" and "morally bad" that are really just morally neutral. If your roommate isn't paying you rent, kicking him out is a neutral course of action in most cases.
gohrt 13y ago
Don't go so far as to say "fuck being a good person", but understand that not everyone deserves unlimited trust and good faith. --which is I think what most of your comment is expressing. Your story is the topic of one of the most famous West End /Broadway songs of recent years: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6h1eBEmY6U https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6h1eBEmY6U Even if you find that life's not fair, it Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it If you always take it on the chin and wear it Nothing will change Even if you're little you can do a lot, you Mustn't let a little thing like little stop you If you sit around and let them get on top, you Might as well be saying you think that it's OK > homeless people asking for money ... i see them as predators who use negative emotions to try and take my positive feelings away. Or they are asking for money who using asking for money as a way to get money. Your "predator" description fits panhandlers with manipulative stories, but not all "homeless people asking for money". Also, it's worth considering , if someone is telling you a story that upsets you, but is a true story, maybe the negative feelins you feel are appropriate, and there is something wrong with economic inequality.
- tunap 13y ago
  Quote: Your "predator" description fits panhandlers with manipulative stories, but not all "homeless people asking for money." The genuinely needful have long been run out of the public spaces/territories that have the most pay-out. The 'predators' in traffic making more than working at 7-11 don't abide threats to their income and will defend it unscrupulously. Stop and walk on that center median sometime and see what response you get. Edit: I'm referring to occupied PH zones, I'm also half kidding. Be prepared for a confrontation if you do that.
- MarkPNeyer 13y ago
  i understand your perspective. i do, for example, think there is something seriously wrong with income inequality. limiting the good faith i give to people is hard for me; it feels to me like being a 'good person' wouldn't require me to do that. saying 'fuck it' was my way of saying 'i need to be ok with the knowledge that i will hurt people, and i even have to err on the side of not helping someone who genuinely needs it, so i can keep myself safe.'
aestra 13y ago
A moral and caring person doesn't let themselves get walked all over, a passive person does. You hold the cognitive distortion that your wants and needs are less important than others because you grew up in a more healthy manner. This is incorrect. You can make a request and say "no" to one and still be a kind, caring, and moral person.

jeffdavis 13y ago

I think you are trying to separate things into "morally good" and "morally bad" that are really just morally neutral. If your roommate isn't paying you rent, kicking him out is a neutral course of action in most cases.

gohrt 13y ago

Don't go so far as to say "fuck being a good person", but understand that not everyone deserves unlimited trust and good faith. --which is I think what most of your comment is expressing. Your story is the topic of one of the most famous West End /Broadway songs of recent years: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6h1eBEmY6U https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6h1eBEmY6U Even if you find that life's not fair, it Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it If you always take it on the chin and wear it Nothing will change Even if you're little you can do a lot, you Mustn't let a little thing like little stop you If you sit around and let them get on top, you Might as well be saying you think that it's OK > homeless people asking for money ... i see them as predators who use negative emotions to try and take my positive feelings away. Or they are asking for money who using asking for money as a way to get money. Your "predator" description fits panhandlers with manipulative stories, but not all "homeless people asking for money". Also, it's worth considering , if someone is telling you a story that upsets you, but is a true story, maybe the negative feelins you feel are appropriate, and there is something wrong with economic inequality.

tunap 13y ago
Quote: Your "predator" description fits panhandlers with manipulative stories, but not all "homeless people asking for money." The genuinely needful have long been run out of the public spaces/territories that have the most pay-out. The 'predators' in traffic making more than working at 7-11 don't abide threats to their income and will defend it unscrupulously. Stop and walk on that center median sometime and see what response you get. Edit: I'm referring to occupied PH zones, I'm also half kidding. Be prepared for a confrontation if you do that.
MarkPNeyer 13y ago
i understand your perspective. i do, for example, think there is something seriously wrong with income inequality. limiting the good faith i give to people is hard for me; it feels to me like being a 'good person' wouldn't require me to do that. saying 'fuck it' was my way of saying 'i need to be ok with the knowledge that i will hurt people, and i even have to err on the side of not helping someone who genuinely needs it, so i can keep myself safe.'

aestra 13y ago

A moral and caring person doesn't let themselves get walked all over, a passive person does. You hold the cognitive distortion that your wants and needs are less important than others because you grew up in a more healthy manner. This is incorrect. You can make a request and say "no" to one and still be a kind, caring, and moral person.