4 ms·

Good advice. But the author, a self-identified introvert, comes across as someone who's genuinely interested in other people. Some people, introvert or extrover

by dtf 17y ago

Good advice. But the author, a self-identified introvert, comes across as someone who's genuinely interested in other people. Some people, introvert or extrovert, are just not that interested in others. This isn't a bad thing - self-focused people accomplish much in the world. I see empathy as orthogonal to extraversion, and it's not something you can fake (unless you're a psychopath!).

roundsquare 17y ago
But people who don't care to talk to other people would not be reading this. This advise is for a select group of people (introverts who want to meet others).
- marvin 17y ago
  Exactly. It is wonderful that a reflected, empathic introvert has finally been able to figure out something like this. I am in the same spot as the author right now, and the thing that really gets to me is that I have to fake being an extrovert in order to connect with other people. It isn't really that hard (it's just acting), but it is really draining when it shouldn't be. The ideal way to interact would be to be able to be myself while still managing to spark some openness and life in my conversational counterpart. After all, most deep wants are somehow achievable, and there isn't any obvious reason why it should be impossible to connect with other people if you happen to hate smalltalk and often enjoy being alone. The definition of introvert is not requiring that much external social stimulation, not hating to interact with other people.
  - biohacker42 17y ago
    but it is really draining when it shouldn't be. Nope it is draining for introverts. Your definition of introvert is a bit off too. Introverts ARE mentally drained by social interaction. I am. And I am invigorated by alone time. I am an introvert, but me and all my introvert friends don't have any trouble talking to people, starting conversations, small talk, parties, even public speaking. In fact the people I know that do have trouble with those things strike me as shy and socially anxious extroverts.
  - nollidge 17y ago
    I'm not sure that's a complete definition though. As an introvert, while I don't hate interacting with other people, I do find an excess of interaction (in terms of either the amount of people and/or duration) rather draining, and my interest in interaction is somewhat volatile.
  - 321abc 17y ago
    According to Carl Jung, who invented the terms introvert and extrovert, the two are really about preferring to focus inside or outside yourself. They don't necessarily have a social connotation. The introvert, according to Jung, generally perfers to focus on his own feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams. While the extrovert, generally prefers to focus on things outside himself, like objects, other people, and their ideas, feelings, etc. So, in the original sense, these definitions have absolutely nothing to do with shyness or lack thereof, or about feeling "drained" by interaction with people vs being alone. An introvert could be perfectly happy being with other people, as long as he can focus on his own internal world. And an extrovert could be happy being alone, but as long as he can focus on people or things outside himself.
- pavel_lishin 17y ago
  True, but I wish someone would write a guide for people like me to avoid conversation with strangers when I don't want to have one. If I'm in an elevator, what's the quickest way to make someone stop talking to me about my bike? If I'm waiting for a bus, what's the quickest way to get a stranger to stop talking to me about his life? If I'm reading a book, what's a polite and effective way of saying "Sorry if you're illiterate, but I actually do read for pleasure"?
  - biohacker42 17y ago
    Some people you just can't shut up. But the wast majority of humanity will take a serious face and terse answer as a clear sign you have no desire to chat.
  - dtf 17y ago
    You should move to London. Nobody will ever bother you, unless it's to shout at you for doing something wrong.
biohacker42 17y ago
The author primarily struck me as shy and/or socially anxious. I am an introvert in that I have VERY little interest in people and feel mentally drained after even the most fun and relaxing parties, but feel energized after isolation. And yet I have no problem initiating conversation or small talk or meeting new people or anything like that. In fact one of my pet peeves is when people confuse introversion for social anxiety, they are not the same thing.
wallflower 17y ago
It really doesn't matter if you're an I or an E. Or switch between I/E. As long as you can accept yourself. The rule of thumb I use for I/E orientation is does that person get energized around other people... Reposting this but: We had a team bonding day in which we were split up randomly into small groups. Random or not, the group I was put on was all introverts. We were given a problem [a clever problem-solving exercise] and the observer (who was an extrovert) noted that (to him) 'it was like they were all just staring at the puzzle for 5 minutes. They were just sitting there thinking. No one in the group said much of anything until they arrived at a silent consensus.' Contrast that to other groups where members debated the relative merits of their solutions. We won the game. In another company exercise, done after a Myers-Briggs session, they split the I's and E's into groups. And then they said (hypothetically) 'You have the day off. What do you guys want to do with the day? You have $100 each'. The I's were like - I'm gonna read a book, run errands etc. And the E's were like - 'Who's going to Vegas? Party at our house.' The E's were planning parties while the I's were planning alone time.

by dtf 17y ago

roundsquare 17y ago

But people who don't care to talk to other people would not be reading this. This advise is for a select group of people (introverts who want to meet others).

marvin 17y ago
Exactly. It is wonderful that a reflected, empathic introvert has finally been able to figure out something like this. I am in the same spot as the author right now, and the thing that really gets to me is that I have to fake being an extrovert in order to connect with other people. It isn't really that hard (it's just acting), but it is really draining when it shouldn't be. The ideal way to interact would be to be able to be myself while still managing to spark some openness and life in my conversational counterpart. After all, most deep wants are somehow achievable, and there isn't any obvious reason why it should be impossible to connect with other people if you happen to hate smalltalk and often enjoy being alone. The definition of introvert is not requiring that much external social stimulation, not hating to interact with other people.
- biohacker42 17y ago
  but it is really draining when it shouldn't be. Nope it is draining for introverts. Your definition of introvert is a bit off too. Introverts ARE mentally drained by social interaction. I am. And I am invigorated by alone time. I am an introvert, but me and all my introvert friends don't have any trouble talking to people, starting conversations, small talk, parties, even public speaking. In fact the people I know that do have trouble with those things strike me as shy and socially anxious extroverts.
- nollidge 17y ago
  I'm not sure that's a complete definition though. As an introvert, while I don't hate interacting with other people, I do find an excess of interaction (in terms of either the amount of people and/or duration) rather draining, and my interest in interaction is somewhat volatile.
- 321abc 17y ago
  According to Carl Jung, who invented the terms introvert and extrovert, the two are really about preferring to focus inside or outside yourself. They don't necessarily have a social connotation. The introvert, according to Jung, generally perfers to focus on his own feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams. While the extrovert, generally prefers to focus on things outside himself, like objects, other people, and their ideas, feelings, etc. So, in the original sense, these definitions have absolutely nothing to do with shyness or lack thereof, or about feeling "drained" by interaction with people vs being alone. An introvert could be perfectly happy being with other people, as long as he can focus on his own internal world. And an extrovert could be happy being alone, but as long as he can focus on people or things outside himself.
pavel_lishin 17y ago
True, but I wish someone would write a guide for people like me to avoid conversation with strangers when I don't want to have one. If I'm in an elevator, what's the quickest way to make someone stop talking to me about my bike? If I'm waiting for a bus, what's the quickest way to get a stranger to stop talking to me about his life? If I'm reading a book, what's a polite and effective way of saying "Sorry if you're illiterate, but I actually do read for pleasure"?
- biohacker42 17y ago
  Some people you just can't shut up. But the wast majority of humanity will take a serious face and terse answer as a clear sign you have no desire to chat.
- dtf 17y ago
  You should move to London. Nobody will ever bother you, unless it's to shout at you for doing something wrong.

biohacker42 17y ago

The author primarily struck me as shy and/or socially anxious. I am an introvert in that I have VERY little interest in people and feel mentally drained after even the most fun and relaxing parties, but feel energized after isolation. And yet I have no problem initiating conversation or small talk or meeting new people or anything like that. In fact one of my pet peeves is when people confuse introversion for social anxiety, they are not the same thing.

wallflower 17y ago

It really doesn't matter if you're an I or an E. Or switch between I/E. As long as you can accept yourself. The rule of thumb I use for I/E orientation is does that person get energized around other people... Reposting this but: We had a team bonding day in which we were split up randomly into small groups. Random or not, the group I was put on was all introverts. We were given a problem [a clever problem-solving exercise] and the observer (who was an extrovert) noted that (to him) 'it was like they were all just staring at the puzzle for 5 minutes. They were just sitting there thinking. No one in the group said much of anything until they arrived at a silent consensus.' Contrast that to other groups where members debated the relative merits of their solutions. We won the game. In another company exercise, done after a Myers-Briggs session, they split the I's and E's into groups. And then they said (hypothetically) 'You have the day off. What do you guys want to do with the day? You have $100 each'. The I's were like - I'm gonna read a book, run errands etc. And the E's were like - 'Who's going to Vegas? Party at our house.' The E's were planning parties while the I's were planning alone time.