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Did you ever get a formal diagnosis for cyclothymia? Dysthymia is very strong on one side of my family, but cyclothymia is closer to my experience these days. I

Did you ever get a formal diagnosis for cyclothymia? Dysthymia is very strong on one side of my family, but cyclothymia is closer to my experience these days. In the past, I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I've read and observed these spectrum disorders (in myself and others), but never actually known anyone who was formally diagnosed (whatever that's worth). Usually my symptoms track the seasons pretty closely. I tend to be hyper-productive in summer and a hermit in winter; it's likely just SAD + whatever I have. > Mental health issues often give you a front-row seat for how shitty people can be when they think you're weak. This cannot be emphasized enough. This is much harder to take than the symptoms themselves, which can be managed. In a sense, you will grow up very quickly. > Anti-psychopaths tend to need an R&D environment where they're measured by performance over time, rather than minute-by-minute superficial reliability (at which they can't possibly compete) and those, sadly, tend to be turning rare in the current anti-intellectual (and pro-psychopathic) environment. Bonus points for a lifestyle company. You do not want to be working under people who will exploit you so they can buy the next status symbol they've been told to grasp at. But, yeah, I'm only really happy in R&D for several reasons: hard problems, autonomy, and longer timeframes. All software development should be like that. But we've sold out for a crappy lottery ticket that's rigged against us.

michaelochurch 13y ago
This is much harder to take than the symptoms themselves, which can be managed. In a sense, you will grow up very quickly. Yeah. It's made worse by the fact that technology's upper management are psychopaths here to exploit the cheap talent (and health issues, from their perspective, make you "bargain bin") and most of the low- and mid-level people are spineless weaklings who don't fight for themselves (because they think they'll be tech CEOs in 5 years, despite lacking social skills and savvy). But, yeah, I'm only really happy in R&D for several reasons: hard problems, autonomy, and longer timeframes. All software development should be like that. But we've sold out for a crappy lottery ticket that's rigged against us. Well, perhaps not "all software development". If you're running a trading desk and have algos running during Hong Kong hours, you're going to need people who can handle drop-everything, short-term crises. I would say that all software development should be like that-- except for the few kinds that can't be, and those should be paid at $2+ million per year.
molsongolden 13y ago
Any tips for coping/changing your lifestyle/having fewer totally hopeless existential crises? I spend a lot of time at the edge, feeling one second away from throwing everything away and starting over on a completely different path.
- mattgreenrocks 13y ago
  A few questions: 1. How old are you? It gets easier with age. 2. Who helps you balance your life? 3. What would you start over doing? I have attempted #3, but I came back to development.
  - molsongolden 13y ago
    1. Mid heading into late 20's (common crisis age) 2. I guess it's just me. My girlfriend humors me occasionally but can't really relate and just thinks I have some combination of ADD/wrong career causing unhappiness/too many thoughts. 3. I'm not sure, it's always just something totally different. Live in my car, bum out of a backpack internationally working from a laptop, take design classes, work on a farm, work for a non-profit, build various startup ideas, go for a PhD and write/teach, figure out a way to help alleviate global suffering; real lack of healthcare, lack of clean water, lack of food, lack of education, suffering instead of being surrounded by first-world problems. The suffering path is a big draw because the crises frequently lead to the conclusion that life is meaningless, the only sure thing in life is suffering, so the only meaning must be to try and minimize the total amount of suffering endured by humanity. That sounds kind of hokey but I don't mean it to be. I'm very empathetic but not very sentimental or religious or "ohhh change the world" optimistic. It's more of a get out in the field and do the dirty work because otherwise you're just wasting time kind of feeling. What did you attempt?
    - mattgreenrocks 13y ago
      I went on a sabbatical thinking I may not be able to do dev again, but I was wrong. It's good you mentioned lifestyle changes; you'll want to get in the habit of constantly experimenting with these before you pull the plug completely. Consider: * therapy * being in a community (in real life) * lifting * the arts * doing more/less work-type stuff on the side (open source, speaking, mentoring, etc) * service projects (lots of different clubs do them) I think a lot of the existential pain in my late twenties was due to feeling alone plus stuck at my job. I tried several things to deal with it (all safe) but couldn't get a handle on it, resulting in burnout. All of those things you want to do are good; you could try doing some of them part time. When life tells you to pack up, you'll know it, so I'm not going to prescribe anything particular, other than letting you know to trust your instincts here. I had to find out the problem was mostly me (but other people also had to go). But one thing you need to know: all the good you do cannot patch you up on the inside. Whatever you're feeling will be there later. The importance of someone who honestly balances you out cannot be understated. I did not understand balance until I had to see myself through my wife's eyes over and over again. It's humbling and hard, but it will change you to something healthier much quicker. I don't know what your relationship looks like, but I hope your girlfriend builds you up and supports you whatever your mood is. Personally, I have to always be learning. I found a guitar teacher who does a great job teaching technique, and I'm constantly challenged. I also work in R&D at a lifestyle company. I hope this helps a little.

michaelochurch 13y ago

This is much harder to take than the symptoms themselves, which can be managed. In a sense, you will grow up very quickly. Yeah. It's made worse by the fact that technology's upper management are psychopaths here to exploit the cheap talent (and health issues, from their perspective, make you "bargain bin") and most of the low- and mid-level people are spineless weaklings who don't fight for themselves (because they think they'll be tech CEOs in 5 years, despite lacking social skills and savvy). But, yeah, I'm only really happy in R&D for several reasons: hard problems, autonomy, and longer timeframes. All software development should be like that. But we've sold out for a crappy lottery ticket that's rigged against us. Well, perhaps not "all software development". If you're running a trading desk and have algos running during Hong Kong hours, you're going to need people who can handle drop-everything, short-term crises. I would say that all software development should be like that-- except for the few kinds that can't be, and those should be paid at $2+ million per year.

molsongolden 13y ago

Any tips for coping/changing your lifestyle/having fewer totally hopeless existential crises? I spend a lot of time at the edge, feeling one second away from throwing everything away and starting over on a completely different path.

mattgreenrocks 13y ago
A few questions: 1. How old are you? It gets easier with age. 2. Who helps you balance your life? 3. What would you start over doing? I have attempted #3, but I came back to development.
- molsongolden 13y ago
  1. Mid heading into late 20's (common crisis age) 2. I guess it's just me. My girlfriend humors me occasionally but can't really relate and just thinks I have some combination of ADD/wrong career causing unhappiness/too many thoughts. 3. I'm not sure, it's always just something totally different. Live in my car, bum out of a backpack internationally working from a laptop, take design classes, work on a farm, work for a non-profit, build various startup ideas, go for a PhD and write/teach, figure out a way to help alleviate global suffering; real lack of healthcare, lack of clean water, lack of food, lack of education, suffering instead of being surrounded by first-world problems. The suffering path is a big draw because the crises frequently lead to the conclusion that life is meaningless, the only sure thing in life is suffering, so the only meaning must be to try and minimize the total amount of suffering endured by humanity. That sounds kind of hokey but I don't mean it to be. I'm very empathetic but not very sentimental or religious or "ohhh change the world" optimistic. It's more of a get out in the field and do the dirty work because otherwise you're just wasting time kind of feeling. What did you attempt?
  - mattgreenrocks 13y ago
    I went on a sabbatical thinking I may not be able to do dev again, but I was wrong. It's good you mentioned lifestyle changes; you'll want to get in the habit of constantly experimenting with these before you pull the plug completely. Consider: * therapy * being in a community (in real life) * lifting * the arts * doing more/less work-type stuff on the side (open source, speaking, mentoring, etc) * service projects (lots of different clubs do them) I think a lot of the existential pain in my late twenties was due to feeling alone plus stuck at my job. I tried several things to deal with it (all safe) but couldn't get a handle on it, resulting in burnout. All of those things you want to do are good; you could try doing some of them part time. When life tells you to pack up, you'll know it, so I'm not going to prescribe anything particular, other than letting you know to trust your instincts here. I had to find out the problem was mostly me (but other people also had to go). But one thing you need to know: all the good you do cannot patch you up on the inside. Whatever you're feeling will be there later. The importance of someone who honestly balances you out cannot be understated. I did not understand balance until I had to see myself through my wife's eyes over and over again. It's humbling and hard, but it will change you to something healthier much quicker. I don't know what your relationship looks like, but I hope your girlfriend builds you up and supports you whatever your mood is. Personally, I have to always be learning. I found a guitar teacher who does a great job teaching technique, and I'm constantly challenged. I also work in R&D at a lifestyle company. I hope this helps a little.