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> "that's not really sexism" The thing is, sexism and sexual harassment boils down to a lot of he-said-she-said, people individually passing judgment on what h

> "that's not really sexism" The thing is, sexism and sexual harassment boils down to a lot of he-said-she-said, people individually passing judgment on what happened, and one person's definition of sexism isn't another person's definition while whatever happened has happened. Just because some people have a way thicker skin doesn't mean that even the smallest things should be given a free pass, and in a lot of these situations it's nearly impossible to get any proof of anything happening. Like I hate that it's only March this year and I've had two men in 4? tech events with men attending just sit down next to me without asking if they could do so and try to talk to me - while I was coding on my laptop sitting by myself in the corner of the room on purpose while everyone else was further away chatting next to the food. Like if that's not a cue to leave me alone, I don't know what is. A shirt that says "fuck off" or telling them I'm busy like they'll even acknowledge that unless I just get up and leave - but then why do I have to do that? And of course, this wouldn't be complete without people telling me that that experience was just normal so be quiet and I shouldn't be surprised to encounter people with terrible social skills in tech. Thanks? Like, I should stop feeling uncomfortable when strangers sit close enough for our thighs to touch because at least they're not groping my breasts or raping me on video so that meets your standard for proof? And my terrible social skills can't be that terrible because I know when to leave strangers alone? The best reply - and by best I really mean the stupidest one - is when my friends and acquaintances take my complaints seriously and offer to go with me in the future or do something about a guy annoying me or help me with whatever I'm currently doing for other women in tech, but then they complain that Shanley or some other "feminazi" is whining on Twitter again why can't that bitch shut up. Like what the hell. I just don't like to complain about things but I have a MOUNTAIN of stories to tell you if you were interested. And complaining and making things public doesn't make my message any less valid. Even if it's something trivial, even if it's after all that Julie has said against other feminists, even if there's no proof that anything serious happened but something happened... if it made her uncomfortable, there's a problem there that needs to be fixed.

xrctl 13y ago
You might want to see a counselor about your crippling interpersonal inadequacy. I think after you clear up your mental health issues you might be less insanely fixated on shoehorning meaningless occurrences into the framework of your delusions.
- silencio 13y ago
  It's so crippling to the point that I can't stand that some stranger's thigh is touching mine at a tech event even though I shifted in my seat to avoid it the first time. And WTF, the worst part is I managed to shake hands and talk to other/new people at the same event and those assholes were so NICE!...they just didn't do the thigh touching. I really need to get over it, whatever. And WTF is up with hacking at an event, I really need to talk to people instead. Except I have one hell of an uncontrollable bronchitis+asthma cough right now so I'm trying to take it easy. Yup. My old therapist before I moved to SF actually thought I was kind of nuts for staying in the tech industry because I used to tell her everything because her son wanted to go into the industry too. Maybe she has a point. And my new one most definitely knows what harassment and uncomfortable situations are, she spent a while asking me questions about my fiancé to make sure I wasn't being abused at our very first session. (And no, no truly crippling problems other than not so hyperactive ADHD, so sorry.)
mason240 13y ago
>I've had two men in 4? tech events with men attending just sit down next to me without asking if they could do so and try to talk to me I have always been under the impression that tech events are just as much about networking and socializing as it is about the speakers themselves (otherwise we would all just be on a Google Hangout). If you go to a social event knowing you will get upset if people try to socialize with you, you're going to have a bad time.
- silencio 13y ago
  There's a world of difference between going "hello ("I hope I'm not interrupting" if you want to be courteous, maybe followed up by "I'm foo, what's your name? nice to meet you!"), what did you think of that talk" sitting in front of me or with some space next to me and leaving if I say I'm busy, compared to sitting right next to me with my thigh touching yours going "are you busy working? well whatever, you should check this out! and I'm going to keep talking to you!" I don't mind the former at all in almost any situation, even if they ignored cues due to the nature of the event - being nice and respecting other people makes it okay and a few people did that just fine! I had to deal with the latter. It's the unwanted physical contact after interrupting without a care that's the problem. I have a sneaking suspicion most people don't want to be on the receiving end of that at a tech event, period, as it's (respectively) uncomfortable and rude. Or do people normally sit close enough to touch a stranger without an introduction and I'm making a big fuss about nothing? With that out of the way, sure, I agree tech events are about socializing. I normally like socializing. I did socialize. I went to the event to go say hi to a couple people, watch the talks, maybe ask a question of the speakers in person, and then sat in a corner to wait for my fiancé to finish talking to friends...because I was tired and had a non-contagious but unpredictable cough from bronchitis and asthma flareups that would rear its ugly head if I talked for more than a couple sentences. So my lesson is learned. I'll just not even present an opportunity for people to creep?

xrctl 13y ago

You might want to see a counselor about your crippling interpersonal inadequacy. I think after you clear up your mental health issues you might be less insanely fixated on shoehorning meaningless occurrences into the framework of your delusions.

silencio 13y ago
It's so crippling to the point that I can't stand that some stranger's thigh is touching mine at a tech event even though I shifted in my seat to avoid it the first time. And WTF, the worst part is I managed to shake hands and talk to other/new people at the same event and those assholes were so NICE!...they just didn't do the thigh touching. I really need to get over it, whatever. And WTF is up with hacking at an event, I really need to talk to people instead. Except I have one hell of an uncontrollable bronchitis+asthma cough right now so I'm trying to take it easy. Yup. My old therapist before I moved to SF actually thought I was kind of nuts for staying in the tech industry because I used to tell her everything because her son wanted to go into the industry too. Maybe she has a point. And my new one most definitely knows what harassment and uncomfortable situations are, she spent a while asking me questions about my fiancé to make sure I wasn't being abused at our very first session. (And no, no truly crippling problems other than not so hyperactive ADHD, so sorry.)

mason240 13y ago

>I've had two men in 4? tech events with men attending just sit down next to me without asking if they could do so and try to talk to me I have always been under the impression that tech events are just as much about networking and socializing as it is about the speakers themselves (otherwise we would all just be on a Google Hangout). If you go to a social event knowing you will get upset if people try to socialize with you, you're going to have a bad time.

silencio 13y ago
There's a world of difference between going "hello ("I hope I'm not interrupting" if you want to be courteous, maybe followed up by "I'm foo, what's your name? nice to meet you!"), what did you think of that talk" sitting in front of me or with some space next to me and leaving if I say I'm busy, compared to sitting right next to me with my thigh touching yours going "are you busy working? well whatever, you should check this out! and I'm going to keep talking to you!" I don't mind the former at all in almost any situation, even if they ignored cues due to the nature of the event - being nice and respecting other people makes it okay and a few people did that just fine! I had to deal with the latter. It's the unwanted physical contact after interrupting without a care that's the problem. I have a sneaking suspicion most people don't want to be on the receiving end of that at a tech event, period, as it's (respectively) uncomfortable and rude. Or do people normally sit close enough to touch a stranger without an introduction and I'm making a big fuss about nothing? With that out of the way, sure, I agree tech events are about socializing. I normally like socializing. I did socialize. I went to the event to go say hi to a couple people, watch the talks, maybe ask a question of the speakers in person, and then sat in a corner to wait for my fiancé to finish talking to friends...because I was tired and had a non-contagious but unpredictable cough from bronchitis and asthma flareups that would rear its ugly head if I talked for more than a couple sentences. So my lesson is learned. I'll just not even present an opportunity for people to creep?