7 ms·

Intro Etiquette

56 points by mattstrayer 13y ago

nofxsnap 13y ago
Yeah, I never understand why it takes so long to respond to an email. Just a one line of "Hey, got this, will chat soon" would suffice.
- ebuchholz 13y ago
  Or letting an intro sit and rot in your email box without replying. Drives me nuts.
- mattstrayer 13y ago
  Outrageous - Someone sticks their neck out to give you an intro and you effectively lop it off when you fail to respond.
lukeeandrews 13y ago
100% true on all fronts.
bruceb 13y ago
"Intro replies need to be timely. If you’re the one being introduced, it’s your job to reply, and now. If the person you’re being introduced to replies first, you’ve lost the game." So true. Don't half ass it. If you are being introduced to someone then most likely their time is valuable. Why would they bother with you if you don't show them you value them?
adamb0mb1 13y ago
I agree with this post on all fronts. What I find most interesting is that this reached the frontpage. I've never actually had people (a) not respond to intros quickly, or (b) not been appreciative. Have you guys had issues with this?
- ebuchholz 13y ago
  I actually wrote this because I've given several intros in the last month where the person I introduced never replied. Then I get an email from the person I introduced them to a few days later saying "What's up with that?". Just embarrassing.
  - gk1 13y ago
    If it's laziness on the part of the person being introduced, then it's pretty bad and you should stop doing favors for that person. However, I've had situations where the person being introduced simply didn't realize the ball was in their court. A quick message to that person should do the trick; "Hope this helps! You should follow-up with John as soon as you can."
  - adamb0mb1 13y ago
    This just really surprises me! Maybe I'm not doing enough intros.
- aj_mihalic 13y ago
  It is not always a problem, but it definitely occurs more often than I'd like. I don't want to look like a fool if I am trying to help someone out with an intro to one of my connections and they leave them high and dry. It depreciates my "stamp of approval" with intros for people and tends to put you one the wrong side of the recommendation pool.
- borski 13y ago
  It does happen, and not even from people with malice. Smart people, who haven't done a lot of this before, sometimes assume it isn't a big deal. It is, and they learn that, but it takes time. On occasion, I've been the person they 'learned on' and it sucks.
- nsmnsf 13y ago
  I've been introduced to a few people recently (because someone asked the person who knows me about me) and I haven't replied. Why am I obligated to do so?
CompassMD 13y ago
The only thing worse than not responding is giving a weak or half-ass intro. If you're going to intro someone, give them something strong to stand on.
kosei 13y ago
Too much of intro etiquette is about personal taste, and there have been dozens of posts on this subject. Ultimately, I just with the author had led with the conclusion, which I believe is the most important part: "Overall, just be timely, use proper grammar, and don’t abuse the intro supplier’s generosity and you’ll be head and shoulders above the majority."
chunsaker 13y ago
One thing missing here: Ask the "target" person before lobbing an introduction into their inbox. Intros aren't always welcome - the target could be busy, traveling or have a conflict of interest. They may not be in a position to give that person time, however helpful they would like to be. When the supplier assumes the introduction is okay, they can put both sides of the intro in a tough spot.
- ebuchholz 13y ago
  Great point. An unwanted intro can annoy everyone involved.
  - itsjaredc 13y ago
    Agreed. That's actually the most important part of intro etiquette.
- CompassMD 13y ago
  Completely agree. Never assume that all intros are welcome, verify!
- wallacrw 13y ago
  I disagree with this in 9/10 cases. If you're so busy you can't take 15 minutes to chat with someone who comes from outside your network, you're doing something wrong. Get over yourself, take the intro and try to be classy about it. The 1/10 case would be intros to people who are either in a position where they likely receive dozens of emails from folks they don't know every day (e.g., VCs) or folks with enough name recognition to be in that same spot (e.g., famous people you might know). You might jeopardize your relationship with the person in that case, but for most of your friends and pretty much anyone reading this comment, you're better off being open instead of self-important.
  - jtoeman 13y ago
    couldn't disagree more. introing someone without checking in is disrespectful of the other person's time. at least 9/10 times.
borski 13y ago
YES! A thousand times yes. This is, far and away, the cleanest and most useful summary of what I believe to be perfect intro etiquette I've ever seen. If everyone did this, the startup world (at least) would be a much better place. [EDIT] I do, however, agree with this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7380538 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7380538
jtoeman 13y ago
same comment I left on the post: This is missing a HUGE aspect of intro etiquette - DOUBLE OPT-IN, almost all the time (and if you aren't sure, then it's ALL the time). If you want your contacts to be worth something, be respectful of them. Here's my "workflow" 1. Intro request comes from Bob who wants to meet Jim 2. I review Bob's email, make sure it's short and to the point, and includes WHY it's a request. If I don't think it hits the money, send feedback and recommend edits to Bob. Wait for acceptable email - which must be its own, NEW & clean email. [edited for clarity: i inform Bob that I will send him whatever he writes to Jim, thus allowing him to position himself/his need/the opportunity in his own words] 3. I forward Bob's entire good email to Jim, which includes MY take on the matter (I think Bob's a great guy, or I am not familiar with Bob's company, but we've worked together before and he's worth meeting, or whatever). 4. If, AND ONLY IF, I get a reply from Jim agreeing to the intro, do I continue forward. But if Jim says he doesn't want the intro, I politely decline back to Bob. Personally, I hate it when someone dumps an intro in my lap - it just isn't courteous or respectful in my opinion.
- 3pt14159 13y ago
  I find double opt in annoying. If someone intros me to too many people I just tell them they're introing me to too many people.
  - wallacrw 13y ago
    Exactly
  - jtoeman 13y ago
    i agree, that if there was a single person to provide feedback to, i would. but compare that with a fairly consistent stream of "hey, help this person out" emails, and I think you'd come to the same eventual conclusion... curious - how many different people have sent you favor requests?
    - 3pt14159 13y ago
      I get about 10 intros a week. 80% come from the top 2 people, David Crow at OMERS and Zak Homuth from Upverter (a YC company). I consistently meet amazing people. There were a couple people that used to intro me, but I've asked them to stop politely.
nswanberg 13y ago
I love the contrast between the super informal language of the intro and the apparently tremendous potential social cost the intro implies. It's like covering an M-16 with Hello Kitty stickers. Has anyone written a novel of manners for Silicon Valley?
polarix 13y ago
Well, I guess I have some terrible flavor of social anxiety or something, because it often takes me half an hour or more of ugh to compose even a short reply if I'm introduced to someone, so this ends up being a huge boulder in my todo list. I suppose if people take this attitude in response the situation will simply resolve itself.
- shalmanese 13y ago
  I used to feel that way sometimes but I ended up fixing it by mechanizing the process to a significant extent (note: I still write each one out completely by hand without any template but I know the main points I want to hit). Whenever an intro comes in, I divide it into one of a few buckets and immediately send a mostly rote email back quickly: * Highly interested - schedule a F2F or phone meeting within in the next week, suggest two dates to discuss more ("Wow, that sounds cool, would love to catch up in person to discuss more, are you available X or Y? I'm based in A but willing to travel anywhere around B") * Kinda interested, being polite - suggest a phone meeting and strongly time box it ("This sounds potentially interesting. I can do a 15 minute call at X before my next appointment) * Non-commital - Ask for more info, put the onus on the other party. ("Hey, would love to hear more about this, can you forward me X & Y so I can get a better understanding of how I can be helpful?") * Useless - Polite brushoff ("Hey, I took a look and I don't think I'm the right person to help you with this for X & Y reason. Maybe you could try A & B? Thanks") I think the key was to not put so much onus on the next step. By the end of the intro, I barely have any info, my main goal is to gather more to make a decision.
trevoragilbert 13y ago
1 - Double opt-in like jtoeman says is key 2 - "but if someone I intro doesn’t reply before the intro-ee does, they’re going to have a hard time getting another one from me. Ever." I've never heard this before, and am not even sure it's remotely reasonable.
- glaugh 13y ago
  Agreed on #2. My rule of thumb is to respond within 24 hours. If the intro-ee responds quicker, no biggie. On the flip side, when I'm the intro-ee, I don't really care. I'm almost never the one to reply first, but if someone takes a week to respond, whatever.

56 points by mattstrayer 13y ago

Yeah, I never understand why it takes so long to respond to an email. Just a one line of "Hey, got this, will chat soon" would suffice.

ebuchholz 13y ago
Or letting an intro sit and rot in your email box without replying. Drives me nuts.
mattstrayer 13y ago
Outrageous - Someone sticks their neck out to give you an intro and you effectively lop it off when you fail to respond.

lukeeandrews 13y ago

100% true on all fronts.

bruceb 13y ago

"Intro replies need to be timely. If you’re the one being introduced, it’s your job to reply, and now. If the person you’re being introduced to replies first, you’ve lost the game." So true. Don't half ass it. If you are being introduced to someone then most likely their time is valuable. Why would they bother with you if you don't show them you value them?

adamb0mb1 13y ago

I agree with this post on all fronts. What I find most interesting is that this reached the frontpage. I've never actually had people (a) not respond to intros quickly, or (b) not been appreciative. Have you guys had issues with this?

ebuchholz 13y ago
I actually wrote this because I've given several intros in the last month where the person I introduced never replied. Then I get an email from the person I introduced them to a few days later saying "What's up with that?". Just embarrassing.
- gk1 13y ago
  If it's laziness on the part of the person being introduced, then it's pretty bad and you should stop doing favors for that person. However, I've had situations where the person being introduced simply didn't realize the ball was in their court. A quick message to that person should do the trick; "Hope this helps! You should follow-up with John as soon as you can."
- adamb0mb1 13y ago
  This just really surprises me! Maybe I'm not doing enough intros.
aj_mihalic 13y ago
It is not always a problem, but it definitely occurs more often than I'd like. I don't want to look like a fool if I am trying to help someone out with an intro to one of my connections and they leave them high and dry. It depreciates my "stamp of approval" with intros for people and tends to put you one the wrong side of the recommendation pool.
borski 13y ago
It does happen, and not even from people with malice. Smart people, who haven't done a lot of this before, sometimes assume it isn't a big deal. It is, and they learn that, but it takes time. On occasion, I've been the person they 'learned on' and it sucks.
nsmnsf 13y ago
I've been introduced to a few people recently (because someone asked the person who knows me about me) and I haven't replied. Why am I obligated to do so?

CompassMD 13y ago

The only thing worse than not responding is giving a weak or half-ass intro. If you're going to intro someone, give them something strong to stand on.

kosei 13y ago

Too much of intro etiquette is about personal taste, and there have been dozens of posts on this subject. Ultimately, I just with the author had led with the conclusion, which I believe is the most important part: "Overall, just be timely, use proper grammar, and don’t abuse the intro supplier’s generosity and you’ll be head and shoulders above the majority."

chunsaker 13y ago

One thing missing here: Ask the "target" person before lobbing an introduction into their inbox. Intros aren't always welcome - the target could be busy, traveling or have a conflict of interest. They may not be in a position to give that person time, however helpful they would like to be. When the supplier assumes the introduction is okay, they can put both sides of the intro in a tough spot.

ebuchholz 13y ago
Great point. An unwanted intro can annoy everyone involved.
- itsjaredc 13y ago
  Agreed. That's actually the most important part of intro etiquette.
CompassMD 13y ago
Completely agree. Never assume that all intros are welcome, verify!
wallacrw 13y ago
I disagree with this in 9/10 cases. If you're so busy you can't take 15 minutes to chat with someone who comes from outside your network, you're doing something wrong. Get over yourself, take the intro and try to be classy about it. The 1/10 case would be intros to people who are either in a position where they likely receive dozens of emails from folks they don't know every day (e.g., VCs) or folks with enough name recognition to be in that same spot (e.g., famous people you might know). You might jeopardize your relationship with the person in that case, but for most of your friends and pretty much anyone reading this comment, you're better off being open instead of self-important.
- jtoeman 13y ago
  couldn't disagree more. introing someone without checking in is disrespectful of the other person's time. at least 9/10 times.

borski 13y ago

YES! A thousand times yes. This is, far and away, the cleanest and most useful summary of what I believe to be perfect intro etiquette I've ever seen. If everyone did this, the startup world (at least) would be a much better place. [EDIT] I do, however, agree with this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7380538 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7380538

jtoeman 13y ago

same comment I left on the post: This is missing a HUGE aspect of intro etiquette - DOUBLE OPT-IN, almost all the time (and if you aren't sure, then it's ALL the time). If you want your contacts to be worth something, be respectful of them. Here's my "workflow" 1. Intro request comes from Bob who wants to meet Jim 2. I review Bob's email, make sure it's short and to the point, and includes WHY it's a request. If I don't think it hits the money, send feedback and recommend edits to Bob. Wait for acceptable email - which must be its own, NEW & clean email. [edited for clarity: i inform Bob that I will send him whatever he writes to Jim, thus allowing him to position himself/his need/the opportunity in his own words] 3. I forward Bob's entire good email to Jim, which includes MY take on the matter (I think Bob's a great guy, or I am not familiar with Bob's company, but we've worked together before and he's worth meeting, or whatever). 4. If, AND ONLY IF, I get a reply from Jim agreeing to the intro, do I continue forward. But if Jim says he doesn't want the intro, I politely decline back to Bob. Personally, I hate it when someone dumps an intro in my lap - it just isn't courteous or respectful in my opinion.

3pt14159 13y ago
I find double opt in annoying. If someone intros me to too many people I just tell them they're introing me to too many people.
- wallacrw 13y ago
  Exactly
- jtoeman 13y ago
  i agree, that if there was a single person to provide feedback to, i would. but compare that with a fairly consistent stream of "hey, help this person out" emails, and I think you'd come to the same eventual conclusion... curious - how many different people have sent you favor requests?
  - 3pt14159 13y ago
    I get about 10 intros a week. 80% come from the top 2 people, David Crow at OMERS and Zak Homuth from Upverter (a YC company). I consistently meet amazing people. There were a couple people that used to intro me, but I've asked them to stop politely.

nswanberg 13y ago

I love the contrast between the super informal language of the intro and the apparently tremendous potential social cost the intro implies. It's like covering an M-16 with Hello Kitty stickers. Has anyone written a novel of manners for Silicon Valley?

polarix 13y ago

Well, I guess I have some terrible flavor of social anxiety or something, because it often takes me half an hour or more of ugh to compose even a short reply if I'm introduced to someone, so this ends up being a huge boulder in my todo list. I suppose if people take this attitude in response the situation will simply resolve itself.

shalmanese 13y ago
I used to feel that way sometimes but I ended up fixing it by mechanizing the process to a significant extent (note: I still write each one out completely by hand without any template but I know the main points I want to hit). Whenever an intro comes in, I divide it into one of a few buckets and immediately send a mostly rote email back quickly: * Highly interested - schedule a F2F or phone meeting within in the next week, suggest two dates to discuss more ("Wow, that sounds cool, would love to catch up in person to discuss more, are you available X or Y? I'm based in A but willing to travel anywhere around B") * Kinda interested, being polite - suggest a phone meeting and strongly time box it ("This sounds potentially interesting. I can do a 15 minute call at X before my next appointment) * Non-commital - Ask for more info, put the onus on the other party. ("Hey, would love to hear more about this, can you forward me X & Y so I can get a better understanding of how I can be helpful?") * Useless - Polite brushoff ("Hey, I took a look and I don't think I'm the right person to help you with this for X & Y reason. Maybe you could try A & B? Thanks") I think the key was to not put so much onus on the next step. By the end of the intro, I barely have any info, my main goal is to gather more to make a decision.

trevoragilbert 13y ago

1 - Double opt-in like jtoeman says is key 2 - "but if someone I intro doesn’t reply before the intro-ee does, they’re going to have a hard time getting another one from me. Ever." I've never heard this before, and am not even sure it's remotely reasonable.

glaugh 13y ago
Agreed on #2. My rule of thumb is to respond within 24 hours. If the intro-ee responds quicker, no biggie. On the flip side, when I'm the intro-ee, I don't really care. I'm almost never the one to reply first, but if someone takes a week to respond, whatever.