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You know, there's a time and a place for quiet reflection. If the author needed time to reflect, he should go for a walk — alone, not go to a party. I'm a shy

You know, there's a time and a place for quiet reflection. If the author needed time to reflect, he should go for a walk — alone, not go to a party. I'm a shy introvert, but I see this fellow's problem a mile away: he needs to get better at saying no to people. Sure it's important to be present for social functions, and there's an art to "making an appearance" that is just part of playing the game. But if you're consciously aware that you should be somewhere else... GO. A room full of tech geeks will get this. Actually, they most likely won't notice that you're leaving. That particular neurosis is rooted in ego: part of you wants someone to notice that you're missing, so that you can be not just doing something important but be a hero about it. Deep down, we're all frequently irrational in similar ways. "I don't want to be alone, but I want to be left alone." - Stephen Fry

dhfromkorea 13y ago
"part of you wants someone to notice that you're missing, so that you can be not just doing something important but be a hero about it." => Besides the ego, there's also a cultural component. My Finnish friends tend to excel at leaving without saying goodbye or hugging, not because they have weaker ego but because that's a part of their culture. That said, in my culture (South Korea), your saying nothing when leaving will immediately strike people as socially incorrect or weird to say the least.
- peteforde 13y ago
  Finland is indeed the best place on earth to live if you just want to be left alone. Also: saunas. As for the cultural differences regarding the ritual of leaving a social event, I really enjoy hearing about how things happen in other places. I would have had no idea. That said, I get the sense that the author is either in Canada (.ca domain) or California, where people leave parties without ceremony all of the time. It would actually be far stranger to make a big deal of your departure.
  - jamdavswim 13y ago
    ^ saunas
- jeemusu 13y ago
  I've been to Korean parties/events where on several occasions people left without saying anything and then ended up being called back to the party just to say goodbye.
  - jrs99 13y ago
    I've been to a big party in Korea and people left and when someone asked about the people that left, someone said "I think they left." And that was that. But now that I'm reading about Korean culture on this post, I think this may have been an extremely isolated incident. I don't know what was different about the event I went to however. Could it have been somewhat Americanized? Or maybe an extreme emergency situation where the person had to leave immediately?
    - dhfromkorea 13y ago
      That could likely happen. The context matters. Their American upbringing as implied by your comment might have diluted the cultural influence.
dnautics 13y ago
"he needs to get better at saying no to people" but if he had not gone to the party he might not have stumbled on his solution.
flyinglizard 13y ago
We don't get to choose when inspiration visits us. Many times, the solution to an agonizing problem comes when we are far away from it, displacing forceful thought for casual reflection. I know my best ideas sneaked in just like that. I also know that if I'm facing an acute problem that jeopardizes my product (thus my business, thus my wellbeing) I drift to think of it even when I shouldn't. Such is life. And no, spending more time solving the bug instead of attending social events isn't the cure either. You need to physically remove yourself from a problem if you want a fresh perspective. Go sleep, hang out, eat something, get back. There are very few problems that I haven't solved in a career full of challenges and this one will not be any different, I just need to respect the mechanics of coming up with a solution.
- peteforde 13y ago
  I did not suggest that the author should go back and work. I did suggest that the author should take a walk to clear his mind, and not attempt to zen out at a social gathering. I also suggested that the author shouldn't go to social gatherings that he doesn't want to be at. Learning to say no without anxiety is a super power.
  - flyinglizard 13y ago
    Walks can be great. But I think that the external stimuli present when around a noisy bunch of people can sometime do wonders to your perspective. If your work environment is noisy, try going someplace quiet, but if you spend most of your working days by yourself engulfed only with your thoughts, perhaps some company would get new ideas to come out.
    - chadillac 13y ago
      That's the thing, going and walking around or going to a social event... it's not clear which one will help you solve your problem. Sometimes sitting quietly and thinking about an issue helps me, sometimes it leaves me chasing red herrings. Sometimes closing my eyes and visualizing helps me, sometimes it's about as useful as chewing bubble gum. Sometimes inspiration will strike for seemingly no reason... the other day I literally had to get out of the shower with shampoo in my hair to send myself an e-mail. I've been working on a hard problem for the past few weeks, at this point I'd say a considerable portion of the "clever fixes" have come to me in my dreams... I'll literally just wake up with a new idea about how to approach the problem that weren't even on my radar when I went to bed. Also, social events and casual conversation is a great way to be social and engage in conversation while excising rubber duck debugging. So long as you make it entertaining for the other party, it's fun... explaining how stuff works for people who are curious is usually fun for both parties. It's different strokes for different folks for sure, but don't limit your stroke options... and try not to get shampoo in your keyboard.
dinkumthinkum 13y ago
I'm not sure if the "moral" here is that he should have really been working instead ... I think it's nerd chic to be above social interaction, to discuss interacting with other people as if it is the pedestrian and useless frivolity of human culture.
- peteforde 13y ago
  Agreed. However, there's a third possible state between "working but in a rut" and "at a social gathering he doesn't want to be at" which I call "everything else". I didn't say that he should have gone back to work, just that he shouldn't go to social events he's not feeling like attending. I suggested that a long walk would do wonders for unblocking his problem.
jdlshore 13y ago
This was a charming and well-written essay. I wish mine were half as good. I'm sorry you followed your urge to crap all over it and tell the author how to live his life. I'm even sorrier your comment is in the top place. This is why we can't have nice things.
- avenger123 13y ago
  +1 for this. Definitely the author is a great story teller. Really got sucked into the narrative..
- peteforde 13y ago
  I'm sorry my comment caused you to feel such a negative reaction. For what it's worth, I didn't say what I said casually. I've worked through similar issues with a coach over the past few years and being honest with myself about the real motivations behind things has been a profoundly useful experience. I hope we can talk about this in person together some day. I feel like you've got me all wrong, and the fault lies in my inability to convey my empathy for the author through my words alone.
- pizza234 13y ago
  The message that the author conveys is that one may get revelations in the unexpected moments and places. Fair enough, although nothing groundbreaking here. The problem is that the author has an extremely condescending attitude and the article reflect this. The irony in that is that the he's spitting in the dish he eats from - one doesn't need to go at a party where you consider all the people as annoying, imbecile, or a combination of both. With this context in mind, the article looks like more a self-righteous piece engineered to appeal the technical-minded people, just because it has a technical theme. I would rather call the article "I'm not an introvert. I'm just a misplaced snob".
skasicki 13y ago
The quote is from Audrey Hepburn originally
- gruseom 13y ago
  When you hear the same quote attributed to two different famous people, that's usually a strong sign that it actually came from somebody obscure. Obscure people's quotes hop to famous people, and not always the same ones. I have no idea about this quote in particular, though; it seems like a job for http://quoteinvestigator.com http://quoteinvestigator.com.
Fuxy 13y ago
Neah, his problem is he's way to obsessed about the problem. You can't help where inspiration hits you, it can be anywhere but you don't need to drop everything when that happens. Delay the gratification you seek by solving the problem. Get a notepad write it down and continue enjoying the social event you can fix the damn thing when you get into the office tomorrow. Then again most of us don't care much for social stuff i personally like playing that game too. Being social is a skill like any other and it's very useful one to have. Gets you what you want a lot faster.
hrjet 13y ago
> "I don't want to be alone, but I want to be left alone." - Stephen Fry Smiling continuously and nodding away into the distance usually works for me.
chrisdone 13y ago
Haha, typical Internet analysis. The guy blogs about an experience in his life honestly and you come up with some characterization that he's not good at saying no to people, that he's not conflicted about where he wants to go (you know, complicated, like humans are, not simple black-and-white, like your straw man humoids are), and oh? the guy also has a neurosis, too? And irrational. Splendid. Can't you for once read a nicely written anecdote without trying to offer half-baked advice about it?
qvikr 13y ago
You don't choose your inspiration moment. Rather, it chooses you (ref: http://blog.germ.io/how-to-get-from-ideas-to-execution/ http://blog.germ.io/how-to-get-from-ideas-to-execution/). Our man had to get out of his problem and think about something totally different to get inspired by an elevator. Think he hasn't seen a missed elevator before? I bet he has. But he had to distract himself from the problem to let the hidden machines in his head get to work.. It's the same reason Archimedes "decided" to go to a bath when his life was on the line. I don't think he was looking for just soapy relaxation there.. Deep down, we all have our little temples. "If Archimedes went looking for a towel first, you'd have never had a submarine" - qvikr
e40 13y ago
One technique: put on headphones when you need alone time. I find people rarely interrupt me when I have them on, and I have 20+ people reporting to me. Of course, if you do it too often, people will start to interrupt more, but it's a good signal.
judk 13y ago
> "I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone." -Audrey Hepburn

dhfromkorea 13y ago

"part of you wants someone to notice that you're missing, so that you can be not just doing something important but be a hero about it." => Besides the ego, there's also a cultural component. My Finnish friends tend to excel at leaving without saying goodbye or hugging, not because they have weaker ego but because that's a part of their culture. That said, in my culture (South Korea), your saying nothing when leaving will immediately strike people as socially incorrect or weird to say the least.

peteforde 13y ago
Finland is indeed the best place on earth to live if you just want to be left alone. Also: saunas. As for the cultural differences regarding the ritual of leaving a social event, I really enjoy hearing about how things happen in other places. I would have had no idea. That said, I get the sense that the author is either in Canada (.ca domain) or California, where people leave parties without ceremony all of the time. It would actually be far stranger to make a big deal of your departure.
- jamdavswim 13y ago
  ^ saunas
jeemusu 13y ago
I've been to Korean parties/events where on several occasions people left without saying anything and then ended up being called back to the party just to say goodbye.
- jrs99 13y ago
  I've been to a big party in Korea and people left and when someone asked about the people that left, someone said "I think they left." And that was that. But now that I'm reading about Korean culture on this post, I think this may have been an extremely isolated incident. I don't know what was different about the event I went to however. Could it have been somewhat Americanized? Or maybe an extreme emergency situation where the person had to leave immediately?
  - dhfromkorea 13y ago
    That could likely happen. The context matters. Their American upbringing as implied by your comment might have diluted the cultural influence.

dnautics 13y ago

"he needs to get better at saying no to people" but if he had not gone to the party he might not have stumbled on his solution.

flyinglizard 13y ago

We don't get to choose when inspiration visits us. Many times, the solution to an agonizing problem comes when we are far away from it, displacing forceful thought for casual reflection. I know my best ideas sneaked in just like that. I also know that if I'm facing an acute problem that jeopardizes my product (thus my business, thus my wellbeing) I drift to think of it even when I shouldn't. Such is life. And no, spending more time solving the bug instead of attending social events isn't the cure either. You need to physically remove yourself from a problem if you want a fresh perspective. Go sleep, hang out, eat something, get back. There are very few problems that I haven't solved in a career full of challenges and this one will not be any different, I just need to respect the mechanics of coming up with a solution.

peteforde 13y ago
I did not suggest that the author should go back and work. I did suggest that the author should take a walk to clear his mind, and not attempt to zen out at a social gathering. I also suggested that the author shouldn't go to social gatherings that he doesn't want to be at. Learning to say no without anxiety is a super power.
- flyinglizard 13y ago
  Walks can be great. But I think that the external stimuli present when around a noisy bunch of people can sometime do wonders to your perspective. If your work environment is noisy, try going someplace quiet, but if you spend most of your working days by yourself engulfed only with your thoughts, perhaps some company would get new ideas to come out.
  - chadillac 13y ago
    That's the thing, going and walking around or going to a social event... it's not clear which one will help you solve your problem. Sometimes sitting quietly and thinking about an issue helps me, sometimes it leaves me chasing red herrings. Sometimes closing my eyes and visualizing helps me, sometimes it's about as useful as chewing bubble gum. Sometimes inspiration will strike for seemingly no reason... the other day I literally had to get out of the shower with shampoo in my hair to send myself an e-mail. I've been working on a hard problem for the past few weeks, at this point I'd say a considerable portion of the "clever fixes" have come to me in my dreams... I'll literally just wake up with a new idea about how to approach the problem that weren't even on my radar when I went to bed. Also, social events and casual conversation is a great way to be social and engage in conversation while excising rubber duck debugging. So long as you make it entertaining for the other party, it's fun... explaining how stuff works for people who are curious is usually fun for both parties. It's different strokes for different folks for sure, but don't limit your stroke options... and try not to get shampoo in your keyboard.

dinkumthinkum 13y ago

I'm not sure if the "moral" here is that he should have really been working instead ... I think it's nerd chic to be above social interaction, to discuss interacting with other people as if it is the pedestrian and useless frivolity of human culture.

peteforde 13y ago
Agreed. However, there's a third possible state between "working but in a rut" and "at a social gathering he doesn't want to be at" which I call "everything else". I didn't say that he should have gone back to work, just that he shouldn't go to social events he's not feeling like attending. I suggested that a long walk would do wonders for unblocking his problem.

jdlshore 13y ago

This was a charming and well-written essay. I wish mine were half as good. I'm sorry you followed your urge to crap all over it and tell the author how to live his life. I'm even sorrier your comment is in the top place. This is why we can't have nice things.

avenger123 13y ago
+1 for this. Definitely the author is a great story teller. Really got sucked into the narrative..
peteforde 13y ago
I'm sorry my comment caused you to feel such a negative reaction. For what it's worth, I didn't say what I said casually. I've worked through similar issues with a coach over the past few years and being honest with myself about the real motivations behind things has been a profoundly useful experience. I hope we can talk about this in person together some day. I feel like you've got me all wrong, and the fault lies in my inability to convey my empathy for the author through my words alone.
pizza234 13y ago
The message that the author conveys is that one may get revelations in the unexpected moments and places. Fair enough, although nothing groundbreaking here. The problem is that the author has an extremely condescending attitude and the article reflect this. The irony in that is that the he's spitting in the dish he eats from - one doesn't need to go at a party where you consider all the people as annoying, imbecile, or a combination of both. With this context in mind, the article looks like more a self-righteous piece engineered to appeal the technical-minded people, just because it has a technical theme. I would rather call the article "I'm not an introvert. I'm just a misplaced snob".

skasicki 13y ago

The quote is from Audrey Hepburn originally

gruseom 13y ago
When you hear the same quote attributed to two different famous people, that's usually a strong sign that it actually came from somebody obscure. Obscure people's quotes hop to famous people, and not always the same ones. I have no idea about this quote in particular, though; it seems like a job for http://quoteinvestigator.com http://quoteinvestigator.com.

Fuxy 13y ago

Neah, his problem is he's way to obsessed about the problem. You can't help where inspiration hits you, it can be anywhere but you don't need to drop everything when that happens. Delay the gratification you seek by solving the problem. Get a notepad write it down and continue enjoying the social event you can fix the damn thing when you get into the office tomorrow. Then again most of us don't care much for social stuff i personally like playing that game too. Being social is a skill like any other and it's very useful one to have. Gets you what you want a lot faster.

hrjet 13y ago

> "I don't want to be alone, but I want to be left alone." - Stephen Fry Smiling continuously and nodding away into the distance usually works for me.

chrisdone 13y ago

Haha, typical Internet analysis. The guy blogs about an experience in his life honestly and you come up with some characterization that he's not good at saying no to people, that he's not conflicted about where he wants to go (you know, complicated, like humans are, not simple black-and-white, like your straw man humoids are), and oh? the guy also has a neurosis, too? And irrational. Splendid. Can't you for once read a nicely written anecdote without trying to offer half-baked advice about it?

qvikr 13y ago

You don't choose your inspiration moment. Rather, it chooses you (ref: http://blog.germ.io/how-to-get-from-ideas-to-execution/ http://blog.germ.io/how-to-get-from-ideas-to-execution/). Our man had to get out of his problem and think about something totally different to get inspired by an elevator. Think he hasn't seen a missed elevator before? I bet he has. But he had to distract himself from the problem to let the hidden machines in his head get to work.. It's the same reason Archimedes "decided" to go to a bath when his life was on the line. I don't think he was looking for just soapy relaxation there.. Deep down, we all have our little temples. "If Archimedes went looking for a towel first, you'd have never had a submarine" - qvikr

e40 13y ago

One technique: put on headphones when you need alone time. I find people rarely interrupt me when I have them on, and I have 20+ people reporting to me. Of course, if you do it too often, people will start to interrupt more, but it's a good signal.

judk 13y ago

> "I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone." -Audrey Hepburn