Disclaimer: I have no experience in this either.. However, I have won (& lost) scientifically reviewed proposals for significantly more money. Ok, i read thi

Disclaimer: I have no experience in this either.. However, I have won (& lost) scientifically reviewed proposals for significantly more money. Ok, i read this and wonder why you need $20k. This makes no sense at all. 12 months from now you're going to have $778,200 in the bank. What is $20K going to do. This document does officezilla no favors. I read it, and have no idea what officezilla is, or what problem you're trying to solve. 1) Opportunity. The opportunity is what exactly? To give you $$$? Do people know what pbx integration is? Why is PBX integration important? What is the "first paid offering of the sytem." Are you saying you're about to charge money? I think you need to retitle this section. If you insist on PBX integration, you need to later explain what PBX is, and why PBX is key. PBX seems like an unimportant detail at this point. 2) What is OfficeZilla. "OfficeZilla is a free...", first adjective, free. But you're planning to charge for it? Why is your software different than anything else? Is it web-based only? is there client software? 30K users, 12K orgs sounds like a lot, will $20K make any difference? It has no usage limits. So what? What does that mean? Is your software in early beta, is ready to roll, what. I have no idea how it's used. I'm utterly confused. On the plus side: sounds like you have an impressive product. I just don't know what it is, or why $20K is going to make any difference. Also, tell me something about your organization. How many developers, why are they good? What's impressive about them. I want to know about people. Who uses OfficeZilla. All you're saying here is that a officezilla is useful for any organization. Drop this section. Roll into above section. Use 4 words instead, eg: "has broad customer base" 3 Month plan. Totally comes out of the blue. What is realtygolive? Is officezilla about for realtys? That sounds like a good problem to solve. Should be right up top. In fact, this business about EXIT realty sounds very promising. How many agents does EXIT have? If EXIT needs PBX support, this is a great place to justify it. (whatever PBX is.) What is a module? Why are new languages needed? What is tighten data integration? What are data relationships? What are you talking about? This is all gibberish. 2 year plan: Sounds impressive. You have not justified (1) expertise (talk about people before this) or (2) money. $20K isn't going to get you through 2 years. Worst, if you're only asking for $20k, sounds like you are a one or two person team. How are you going from 1 or 2 people to 15 poeple and satisfy all these different users in one year, with $20K? Basically, sounds like you have incredibly optimistic expectations about income, and yet you're asking for peanuts up front. * Overall Expectations First sentence is gibberish. Potential rewrite: OfficeZilla core is our flagship product. Core is free to use and will satisfy most users needs. We will sell modules that target specific needs outside of core. Table: No numbers justified, sounds like you pulled them out of thin air. Before you said $5/user, here $10/user. I think here you need to focus on EXIT, as it sounds promising. Drop the Non profit business, unless you have customers ready to pay. Second table is utterly confusing, why is non profit system listed twice. Why are monthly and recurring fees listed twice? "In order to drive each system deep..." What? what is deep?