You've said WordPress takes too long to set up, so to manage your expectations I'd probably start by claiming nothing will satisfy all your requirements. That s

You've said WordPress takes too long to set up, so to manage your expectations I'd probably start by claiming nothing will satisfy all your requirements. That said, what about a static blog generator? HTML is uber portable, hosts anywhere, no install, no database, I think most generate from markdown, use any template, SEO is kinda missing but just follow best practices - and you'll be fast which is a benefit there, dashboard/stats is missing, can you make do with something over log files and GA? You said you think PHP is right for this, but why do you need that much power?