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I'm going to try to explain this; but words really won't do it justice. I cannot convey the strength of "cultural bonds" with text on a computer screen. As som
by smtddr 13y ago
I'm going to try to explain this; but words really won't do it justice. I cannot convey the strength of "cultural bonds" with text on a computer screen.
As someone from a Nigerian family, we too normally have very strong family bonds. You can't just do whatever you want. The closest thing I could compare it to is kinda of like, all your family is considered immediate-family. In the same way you must balance decisions with your spouse you also must consider everyone's feelings & wants - Even people who are not logically impacted by your decisions and live 1,000+ miles away.
Just throwing away the family network brings you great shame. Yes, pure logic says "Why should I care what a bunch of elders 3,000 miles away think? They know nothing of what I'm going through." ...but somehow... you can't just do that. It's a major part of who you are and breaking those bonds will you empty inside and dishonored by your family(maybe friends too). This is even more the case with women of the culture. It's much easier to create an external reason to defy your family like this lady is trying to do - so it looks like "Hey, I tried to do what you told me. Something else got in the way! Sorry! But you still love me, right?"
This will probably sound like nonsense to anyone not part of this type of cultural system.
- Fuxy 13y agoYou're probably right i don't understand it. That's a lot of energy and effort put into pleasing people whom can and probably do have ulterior motives just so you can belong to a group. Is that group really wort all that effort? Does belonging to that group get you where you want to go? The answer for me was a resounding no but it could be different for you. There's very few people worth my respect and consideration but I certainly wouldn't bother to please and entire village. If you're not pissing people off you're doing something wrong.
- deleted 13y ago[deleted]
- smtddr 13y agoWell, ya know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child.". That same mindset assumes the entire village is the family. So if you grow up in that world, you don't want to disappoint that community. >>If you're not pissing people off you're doing something wrong. I definitely try to run my life as opposite from this as reasonably possible. "Reasonably" being the word that's very debatable.
- aestra 13y agoThank you for saying this. Seems a lot of people here can't get out of their own cultural viewpoint. This type of disobeying of family (especially from a women) is looked down upon like, say, raping someone is in the US or Europe.
- logfromblammo 13y agoI have seen a bare fragment of this in my wife's family. It's the crab bucket culture, and is highly destructive to individual growth. There may be valid reasons for such a culture to exist, but for the most part, they do not apply in rich industrial nations. China, for instance, is about to feel some cultural growing pains thanks to its generation under the One Child Policy and its increasing urban industrialization. Once a strong family network is no longer necessary for individual prosperity, it tends to collapse back down to a smaller, more manageable size. You don't have to carry your creepy uncle, and your layabout second cousin, and your overbearing great aunt on your back any more, because they can all get factory jobs and/or welfare payments. This lady, between Spain and the US, has a better opportunity to escape the crab bucket than she will ever have in Pakistan. If she does not take it soon, even without the degree, she may be condemning herself to a life without freedom by her own choice.