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My experience with curing loneliness is very contrary to what the article states in the sense that I found a way to not feel lonely by being more disconnected f

My experience with curing loneliness is very contrary to what the article states in the sense that I found a way to not feel lonely by being more disconnected from other people. I realized that I only felt lonely when my expectations as to how other people should give me their time/attention were not met, so I purposefully decided to decrease the number and intensity of interactions with other people. I haven't felt that soul crushing loneliness that cripples you in about a year now, and I like to think that that only happened because of lowered expectations (over time as you interact less intensely with people you'll naturally come to expect less of them) and because of learning how to be alone (being alone and being lonely are not the same thing). The article states you should be around people you know every day and I find that pretty weird. I think the best way to learn how to not feel lonely is to learn to be content with yourself, otherwise you'll always rely on other people and so your feelings of loneliness will fail to go away as soon as other people fail you. Kinda related: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1

dclara 13y ago
Yes, I think you have the two points: 1) Lower your expectation. Most of our feeling comes with our expectation. If we adjust our expectation, things will be much different. 2) Do not rely on other people. It's not only for loneliness. We should rely on ourselves more and be more confident. One of the solutions is to find something you can really dedicate to work on that sucks most of your energy. You will feel less lonely but more rewarded by the outcome of the work, may it be a game or a business.
- cdcarter 13y ago
  I completely agree with your number one, but personally I find number two to miss the mark. One of my resolutions for 2014 is to be less independent. To be open with the people that I love about what is happening with me, and to have the hard conversations, instead of letting my hurt stew inside of me.
muhuk 13y ago
I made a similar decision, also almost a year ago. I should mention that I had moved to another country 3 years ago. The first year I was very social. It was fun and satisfying. But then I started to realize there was a fundamental philosophical difference between me and pretty much everyone else. It's hard to explain objectively. But my observation is `truth is less important than peace and order`. It took me some time to formulate this because I was giving the benefit of doubt to my friends and only responding to what they were actually saying. But when truth is no longer the goal, pretty much anything goes. The second year went by with these awkward conversations. Then I started to question the value of my friendships. Of course it was the value I was getting at first. But that line of thinking wasn't very useful from a practical perspective. It dawned on me when I started looking at the equation from the other side. What I had to offer wasn't valuable for them. Not only that, it was confusing and sometimes hurtful. It's like you get to paint the world any color you want, then someone comes tells you that the sun shouldn't be green. Of course this was all in my head, it had to be tested. If you are a valuable friend to me, if you contribute something worthy to my life, I thought, I would at least care if you are dead or not. That was my thesis. So I disconnected from the `cheap communication` channels but kept my phone and of course my email. And that's pretty much the whole story. No one called. Except a few friends that I didn't have doubts about, but I have always been in contact with them, facebook or no facebook. I sometimes feel lonely. But I will not lower my expectations. Because that would mean asking me to stop saying the world revolves around sun, or that it's not flat. I don't want to pretend everybody is right `in their own way`, no matter how stupid the stuff coming out of their mouth. That would make me unhappy. Now, at least I can be happy. I agree with you in that independence is valuable trait. Much of the advice is focusing on the offense, meet more people, be more nice. I think independence and self-esteem are better starting points. I would say; work on yourself. If you are bettering yourself, you wouldn't have too much time to feel lonely. Eventually you might meet new people and maybe make some friends. But I think the key is to build yourself up.

dclara 13y ago

Yes, I think you have the two points: 1) Lower your expectation. Most of our feeling comes with our expectation. If we adjust our expectation, things will be much different. 2) Do not rely on other people. It's not only for loneliness. We should rely on ourselves more and be more confident. One of the solutions is to find something you can really dedicate to work on that sucks most of your energy. You will feel less lonely but more rewarded by the outcome of the work, may it be a game or a business.

cdcarter 13y ago
I completely agree with your number one, but personally I find number two to miss the mark. One of my resolutions for 2014 is to be less independent. To be open with the people that I love about what is happening with me, and to have the hard conversations, instead of letting my hurt stew inside of me.

muhuk 13y ago

I made a similar decision, also almost a year ago. I should mention that I had moved to another country 3 years ago. The first year I was very social. It was fun and satisfying. But then I started to realize there was a fundamental philosophical difference between me and pretty much everyone else. It's hard to explain objectively. But my observation is `truth is less important than peace and order`. It took me some time to formulate this because I was giving the benefit of doubt to my friends and only responding to what they were actually saying. But when truth is no longer the goal, pretty much anything goes. The second year went by with these awkward conversations. Then I started to question the value of my friendships. Of course it was the value I was getting at first. But that line of thinking wasn't very useful from a practical perspective. It dawned on me when I started looking at the equation from the other side. What I had to offer wasn't valuable for them. Not only that, it was confusing and sometimes hurtful. It's like you get to paint the world any color you want, then someone comes tells you that the sun shouldn't be green. Of course this was all in my head, it had to be tested. If you are a valuable friend to me, if you contribute something worthy to my life, I thought, I would at least care if you are dead or not. That was my thesis. So I disconnected from the `cheap communication` channels but kept my phone and of course my email. And that's pretty much the whole story. No one called. Except a few friends that I didn't have doubts about, but I have always been in contact with them, facebook or no facebook. I sometimes feel lonely. But I will not lower my expectations. Because that would mean asking me to stop saying the world revolves around sun, or that it's not flat. I don't want to pretend everybody is right `in their own way`, no matter how stupid the stuff coming out of their mouth. That would make me unhappy. Now, at least I can be happy. I agree with you in that independence is valuable trait. Much of the advice is focusing on the offense, meet more people, be more nice. I think independence and self-esteem are better starting points. I would say; work on yourself. If you are bettering yourself, you wouldn't have too much time to feel lonely. Eventually you might meet new people and maybe make some friends. But I think the key is to build yourself up.