9 ms·

How to stop feeling lonely

206 points by wtsui 13y ago

hosh 13y ago
This article is an excellent start :-) It is particularly relevant in relation to that article that surfaced here, about mapping out emotions arising from a large sampling of people. I will say though, that thoughts do not simply arise from emotions in introverted people -- it arises like that in pretty much everyone. Some extraverts are just that in tuned with their bodies, emotions, and intuitions; others use talking as a way to avoid getting in touch with feelings, much that same many thinkers use thoughts to avoid getting in touch with feelings. Lastly, loneliness tends to be a particular feeling lodged in the chest (for a lot of people). Regardless of whether you label that sensation as loneliness or not, there are physical exercises that can work with it directly. The main thing is to relax the muscles and tissues surrounding the chest cavity and give those sensations an opportunity to move and flow. It is best done when your arms are (physically) wide open. Loneliness comes from a feeling of not getting sufficient emotional connection from others. There are lots of configurations that can lead to that. One of the main ones is that, the very act of connecting to someone else requires opening up, and opening up usually leads people to feeling the vulnerability that they don't want. Physically opening up the arms and the body helps you get used to feeling open, and being so, it becomes easier to connect with others. Hope this help some of you folks -- good times :-)
- loupeabody 13y ago
  You seem to be knowledgeable about this topic. Have you ever heard about bioenergetics? If not, the general premise is that neurosis is expressed physically in the musculature. Specific kinds of movements can target and eliminate neurosis, which emerges as tension in chronically contracted muscles. Any exercise is bound to help somewhat, probably for more reasons than something like bioenergetics can claim, but still there are specific approaches for eliminating neurotic behavior in different character types. These specific exercises are accompanied by psychoanalysis in order to cultivate a conscious relationship between the mental and physical constructs of the patient's neurosis. It seems like a pretty obvious insight to me now, having read a little bit about the subject. For example, flinching is a very pronounced, instinctual movement, and occurs in response to danger, right? So, if our environment can impel us to move, then certainly there are other movements, like flinches, that are more subtle in their expression, but reflect some internal, psychological mechanism, like a response to fear. Perception of body language, such as bad posture, supports this. I have yet to read a satisfactory amount of info about the subject, but I can recommend what little I've read if anyone's interested.
  - blendergasket 13y ago
    I'd be really interested in scientific information about this. I have been practicing Qigong for a little more than a year and a half and I can absolutely say that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It feels like it's tapping right into what it seems you're talking about. It's amazing, the power of the body (which, in a dualistic culture like I've grown up in may be an overly reductive word).
    - lawnchair_larry 13y ago
      You won't find scientific information about it, because like Qigong, it's pseudoscience.
      - h1karu 13y ago
        For approximately 500 years [science's] argument for its pre-eminence was that it could create beautiful toys: aircraft, railroads, global economies, television, spacecraft. But that is a fool’s argument for truth! I mean, that’s after all how a medicine show operates, you know: the juggler is so good, the medicine must be even better! This is not an entirely rational way to proceed. -Terrence Mckenna
        nmeofthestate 13y ago
        "Chi" "flowing through the body"? And, from another comment "quasi-quantum biological enzymes"? (NB: quantum theory pseudo-scientific-bollocks klaxon) Qigong may get results, but it's certainly pseudoscience. And I bet science will be what eventually explains why it gets results.
        jvagner 13y ago
        what's the name for things in science that will be proven in 20 years, but can't be proven today? what are the limits of science? i'd also recommend the book "the divided mind" by john sarno to readers of this thread.
- wpietri 13y ago
  Do you happen to have a link to that mapping article? It sounds interesting.
  - hosh 13y ago
    This was the article I read: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping-emotions-on-the-body-love-makes-us-warm-all-over http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping... However, I lost track of the arxiv URL. The Y(HN) links directly to the paper.
- thupten 13y ago
  You reminded me of a ted talk. Lifting your arms up for two minutes boosts ones confidence. The speaker recommends that before interview if one can find a place to lift their arms for 2 minutes (like in a restroom), the interview goes much better.
  - hosh 13y ago
    Sure. Even better if you are raising it up like you are pumping your arms for victory. I once did a qigong practice in front of the kid. The kid copied me, stretched his arms all the way up, on tiptoes, with a big grin on his face. Obviously, I learned more from the kid than the kid learned from me.
  - agumonkey 13y ago
    here's said talk http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes... ps: I'll add that doing physical activity gives good posture for "free". I'll suggest anybody to gradually go up to sets of 10 {pushups, crunches, squat} and a bit of stretching hip and back, and shoulder. It won't take long, 10 crunches ~= 30 seconds, will make you warm, relaxed and stand straight.
kaplejon 13y ago
This is basically the perfect collection of thoughts for me to be reading right now. I, and extreme introvert, just moved into my brother's new house. He is an extreme extrovert. What struck me most was point "2. Find people who give you time to speak". I find myself often surrounded by those people who don't have any of the empathy to realize I need to let me thoughts work their way to the surface. It has created a lot of failed attempts to reach out to other people. I get frustrated, because it leads me to feel like the other person just isn't listening, because as soon as I do start saying something the other person will usually jump to a(n incorrect) conclusion about what I'm starting to say, and interject based on what thought just entered their mind. As a result, I've spent years with those types never getting to know me, and my attempts to open up becoming more curt and infrequent. Conversely, maybe this empathy is why so many people tell me I'm a good listener. I don't jump to conclusions about what another person is saying. I rarely even try to work out my response while the other person is still talking. I let them think, speak, and reason all before reacting. Of course, with real Type-A personalities this means they will tend to go on forever, and I don't know how to get them to shut up. Ha. But, they still come away feeling like I get them. And the effect is quite magnified with anyone who is less than 100% Type-A. And perhaps validating this article, taking the time to let these "feelings" and "thoughts" rise up, I'm finding myself in much greater agreement (and understanding of self) and will recommit to attempting to surround myself (most of the time, thought not all of the time) with people who can help me work in my strengths. The great challenge that will prove while living with my brother.
- chrisabrams 13y ago
  You're not alone. Edit: I did not intend to make that a pun.
- loupeabody 13y ago
  That resonated with me as well. Part of my own personal struggle with connecting with other people is failing to feel totally authentic in conversation. I think that this idea of allowing myself to fully feel my own response before saying anything will help a great deal. Often, when I'm with people who have strong opinions and voice them aggressively (which is many people I know), I feel stifled. It's almost as though I'm being completely removed from the situation and my true feelings are irrelevant to those in my company. It makes it very easy to close up and withdraw.
jackschultz 13y ago
I'm becoming more and more convinced that being able to share secrets with someone (the last point by the author) is the most important aspect not feeling lonely. Knowing that someone cares about you enough to listen to your problems, and respect you enough to not blab them everyone means that you aren't in this alone.
- scotty79 13y ago
  Sharing painful secrets anonymously with random disposable strangers on the internet via chatroom helped me a lot when I had to un-love a girl and had no friends to help me go through this. After less than a year of such chats when I felt especially sad and lonely I got bored with my own sad story and people in general and I was cured of my loneliness.
- blah32497 13y ago
  One thing I'd highly recommend is looking at is: 1 what are* your secrets 2 is there a way you can make it so you have fewer of them secrets are incredibly parasitic and ultimately stressful. There was a recent post on HN about this (though 90% of the comments missed the point he was making) https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6891311 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6891311
dclara 13y ago
There is a famous book saying loneliness is the ultimate feeling coming along with us. So don't be afraid of being lonely. I read another blog post here talking about enjoy aloneness, which is also great. If you are confident from inside, ultimately you can overcome the negative feeling, but enjoy the peaceful feeling for being lonely. At least there is no hurt from other people. I agree that you have to give them time to surface. Actually frequently practicing meditation will help you clear up your mind and let the feeling surface. Make ourselves strong psychologically will keep us away from feeling lonely. Of course, always having goal to pursue, you don't have time to feel lonely.
- h1karu 13y ago
  my favorite quotation on loneliness: http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/think-on-these-things/1963-00-00-jiddu-krishnamurti-think-on-these-things-chapter-23 http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/think-on-these-things/1... You have a point about how if one always has a goal to pursue one never allows himself to feel his deepest sense of loneliness and therefor he doesn't fully process it and learn from it. It's tough though as a software developer because if you have "free time" you could always be using it to "be productive".. to create a product, make fortune, etc. One has to schedule in the time to sit with his loneliness I suppose. sigh
  - dclara 13y ago
    I clicked the link and I believe your reference is good, but don't have time to read through. I agree with you that we need to find sometime to sit with our loneliness. But I tried to avoid to experience it too deep. Rather than feel it, I'd rather to see what I can do to get rid of it, say, find the root cause and remove the root cause. For example, we may feel lonely when our business does not soar with enough supporters and customers, or when we have an idea, but nobody likes it. We can do something to resolve this problem. Or When we feel lacking of objective to pursue, or we simple need to express our feelings. If it's pure emotional, but we have no SO (Significant Others, as some previous post mentioned) to share with, we have to distract ourselves by some other exciting things. For me, two things are essential to stay away from loneliness: SO and something to pursue. They make myself fill confident with self-esteem, also make my life more meaningful. Having a good SO is hard, but important. All the rest kinds are not critical. Always be myself, don't rely on other people too much, even with SO. Build something cool is also very rewarded. http://kck.st/JNqv8z http://kck.st/JNqv8z
deleted 13y ago
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jey 13y ago
Is there any more information about #1, "listen to what your body has to say"? I've come across this idea in several places lately and want to understand it better, but haven't found any good resources. Maybe something from cognitive or somatic psychology? Where does it originally come from? (Psychology? Meditation?)
- ciclista 13y ago
  I can't help you with a defined origin, but check out the book "Focusing" by E. Gendlin for a good start on experiencing/understanding the concept.
  - dmfdmf 13y ago
    I agree, point #1 comes straight from Gendlin and should be attributed.
- timeofgifts 13y ago
  Vipassana meditation. Check out dhamma.org
adrianlmm 13y ago
...or get marry.
- scotty79 13y ago
  ... results may vary.
avighnay 13y ago
There is a cultural undercurrent to loneliness too In my previous job (with others from India) at a North European company which ran out of one of their towns. The loneliness of a beautiful North European town (100% conservative white population with a sprinkling of chinese immigrants, we were the first brown people to be seen there) (during short biz visits) was a striking contrast to our lives in India. So much so that in weekends, we rushed to get up and catch morning trains to the nearest city, just to be around a crowd of people (even in the city, we could find what we needed only in their excellent railway stations cum malls) The same experience in San Jose, US but worse still as you practically good as dead without your own car. We (a female colleague and I) tried the fledgling (2001) train service there and ended up wishing we were wiser. Public transport in US West seemed to be used only by the socially discarded. I had to coax our hosts to get a car rented by a US colleague with me as a secondary driver (due to my foreign car license!) and then only it was FREEDOM! :-) New York on the other hand, I felt at home. Get down from your hotel and you are into a sea of walking people Yay! So an additional point can be being in a place with substantial amount of people, even if they are strangers gives you a relief from loneliness.
- lingoberry 13y ago
  Very interesting! I'm from one of those beautiful frozen North European towns and I have the opposite problem when I visit places like China or Japan :) I do think it's easier to get used to living in crowded places than the other way around though. What town/country did you live in if I may ask?
  - avighnay 13y ago
    Putten, Netherlands
stevewillows 13y ago
Years ago my (now ex) wife and my friends would tell venial sins on road trips. It started out as a bit of a joke, but as we got going the level of intimacy grew quickly.
- nickthemagicman 13y ago
  Where does a venial sin stop and a serious sin begin?
  - stevewillows 13y ago
    For us, we realized we entered into something when we starting discussing why we viewed the particular 'venial sin' in that certain light. Like everything dealing with morality and what-not, there's no clear division. From a traditionally religious standpoint, there isn't really much of a division either. Christians would say that Jesus died for all sins, not just a handful of the most interesting ones. I would say that the line between venial and mortal was a line drawn by man to feel something.
    - nickthemagicman 13y ago
      Interesting. Thanks for the reply. I think you're a whole 'nother level than me in regards to thinking about this.
daily 13y ago
> A big part of my loneliness was I refused to accept that I am actually a pretty introverted, non-verbal person The author was a senior when I was a freshman in college. He was one of the upperclassmen that I looked up to. He was very smart, good looking and we hung out sometimes when he would give me good advice. It never occurred to me that he's introverted and that he should have a reason to feel lonely. Quite a strange feeling when I saw this post from twitter. I feel guilty for not understanding him enough but it's nice to see this useful and positive post.
josscrowcroft 13y ago
Beautiful writing - thank you for sharing.
deleted 13y ago
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apunic 13y ago
Loneliness is severe. Stopping this feeling is quite hard and I slightly doubt that the article's content will help but as somebody wrote, it's a great start to dig deeper. 1. What one needs: ideally, you have a significant other (SO) -- I know it's damn hard to get one but let's first understand why a SO is the number one fix for loneliness. The SO is somebody no one else can replace, even not your best friends. Why? There are many reasons but the most important is that we all require a lot of communication and interaction with like-minded people to be happy -- this is one of our core needs and if this is lacking just one (!) day we get depressed. A SO fulfills those communication and interaction needs much better than any other person because the quantity of communication with your SO can be very high while the quality can be low. So, what does it mean? You can call your SO anytime and tell her really minor stuff like 'they have awesome apples in the store, shall I get some?' or when going to bed you can talk about how the day went, that traffic today was a pain or you show her some funny posts on Reddit. Just imagine how many words of unimportant communication you exchange with an SO in a week vacation. All this sounds nitty-gritty and totally irrelevant, but the SO is 'always-on', will listen to any crap and this is something we terribly need. And you can't call or text your best friend or close co-workers before going to bed to tell them that today's apples were really juicy. Moreover, we get other amenities like sex or endearment. 2. If no SO is present then the next thing you need to not feel lonely are good or very good friends or let's call them best friends, people who you really connect to. To find those is as hard as finding your SO and usually you don't get that a person is about to be your best friend before meeting him/her over a long period of time. But 'best friends' won't stay -- it doesn't take too long and the connection you had with them loosens up but you still stick to them (because they 'are' your best friends), so don't spend too much time on finding the 'best' friend, any friend will do. However, best friends are important but can not replace a SO. 3. The next level of people you need or are rather nice to have are close or like-minded co-workers. But this is something you shouldn't aspire for and those connections are very fragile/dynamic because work and life sometimes doesn't play well together and disappointment is hard-wired. Still, best friends can be won from co-workers. So, we know now what we need, let's now find an answer to the question how to get there. Finding a SO is very hard and the best way is to go out and create as many leads as possible -- very helpful is the PUA literature, just google it and find tons of wisdoms. A lot of stuff is crappy but you will find as much excellent advice there. And don't think that good looks is the key to find your SO, it makes life a bit easier but it's definitely not the key. Similar to before you should go out and meet many, many people -- very good for this are meet-ups. But the most important thing: you should NEVER go out and look for the SO or the best friend. This doesn't work and makes you ultra needy and people will find you awkward. Simultaneously, you will be disappointed because everybody you meet seems to be a douche, so start slowly and don't expect wonders. Connect to MANY people and try to keep relationships superficial, slowly intense those relationship which look promising but look that you still connect to MANY people because most people won't match (for being a SO or best friend). A hint: good matches are usually your close peers, people who are in similar situations, contexts and/or face same challenges. However, to have a good evening often you do not need a best friend (of course it's better and more convenient to have one) but sometimes just some random people work out too. What can also help: find a personal mission you pursue which is NOT 'finding best friends', starting a startup, a meetup, whatever -- to create a relationship you need always some hook. And then after few months everything will come by itself. It's definitely some work involved but everybody can master it, even the introverts (which is just often a weak excuse). To survive the lonely times before -> exercise every day, eat and live well and most important, stop any kind of drugs, they make your lonely times even worse. A side note regarding founders, when starting their business entrepreneurs have a hard time but this struggle will be rewarded in future and feeling lonely is often part of the job.
Dewie 13y ago
If anything I probably should be more lonely. Like a person who bleeds to death without knowing it because he has no pain receptors where the cut occured.
- Dewie 13y ago
  Well, that came out a bit too over-dramatic. But I still like the pain receptor analogy.
mercer 13y ago
Loneliness has been one of the issues consistently on my mind for at least the past few years. From my early twenties on I've always lived in big cities. During my studies I was part of a student organization (very much like a fraternity), and after that I moved around between cities and as a result I made many friends, particularly 'expats'. As I got closer to them, no matter what personality or lifestyle they had, loneliness was a common feeling. This often led to intense unhappiness and even outright depression, and some of these friends eventually returned to their home cities or college cities because they missed their friends. Over time I started thinking more and more about this issue, as it clearly seems to be a problem, and a big one at that. I thought about the causes, but most importantly I tried to think of solutions. When it comes to causes, one tentative conclusion I have come to is that the (post-?) modern Western European lifestyle basically sets us up to be lonely. We compartmentalize our lives to a degree that I haven't experienced as much in developing nations. Our work is separate from our 'personal' life, as are our variety of relationships. Our spouses might have never met our colleagues, our colleagues never met our friends, our friends might never meet our parents, and so on. The result is a fragmented life where you aren't automatically part of some community, but where you actively have to maintain individual and group relationships. Another effect is that we can (and might have to) be so many different people in so many different situations, and that we often have to start from scratch because we move, change jobs, break up, and so on. On top of that, we often live alone, and put a big emphasis on our individual goals and happiness. Contrast this with a more 'traditional' society with many family-run shops, often inside or near the house, huge families that often live in proximity, and a strong sense of responsibility for these family ties. It's hard to be lonely in such a situation (although it does exist, and when it does it can be quite severe). I've reached a point where I sometimes wonder if our individualism and emphasis on freedom is worth the drawbacks, of which loneliness is a big one. In my surroundings at least, loneliness needs to be actively fought. And one could argue that the pressure resting on a partnership or starting a family is sometimes too much of a burden, precisely because it is, at least in my world, one of the few remaining approaches (or at least 'convenient' approaches) to not be alone. I've been thinking a lot about experimenting with different ways of living together and creating new forms of community. I've seen successful neighbourhood initiatives, for example, where people start interacting more on a local level. I've seen many flatshares that play a part in keeping loneliness away. And I've spent much of my life living in 'communal' environments that were wonderful, especially growing up. The odd thing about all this is that I am quite solitary and don't generally feel lonely. I can easily spend days, even weeks, mostly by myself. And yet this problem bothers me tremendously. I've been rambling and my apologies for any lack of coherence or over-generalizing. Let me end with a quote that hopefully does contribute something. It prescribes what I've personally experienced to be a surefire way to avoid loneliness, and to foster real connections (and fast, often!): "We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time. When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy. It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable."
gggmaster 13y ago
Some people think you are lonely if your way of living is different from theirs. More annoyingly, they repetitively tell you that you are lonely. If you yield to this brainwashing, then you really feel lonely.
- dclara 13y ago
  Some people are needy and always expect to entertained. They keep telling you not because you are lonely, but they are. If you have this kind of friends, probably you have to provide something to fill in their loneliness and make them happy.
yason 13y ago
The feeling of loneliness is one thing. The article gives good advice on how to feel lonely less often. Being alone is another and much more fundamental. For what I've learned, accepting the fact that you're here, in this life, alone is the precursor to any meaningful relationships. Connections with other people are limited, you've got some things together with one friend and some other things together with another friend. You probably have lots of things together with your spouse but there's nobody just like you, and there's no missing half of you out there that would make you whole. Everything you need on this journey is within yourself. And in the end, being alone in this whole world is something that you need to accept first before integrating other people in your life in any meaningful (i.e. non-superficial) way. If you know you can handle it: if you know you can deal with yourself and your life even if you never meet anyone who can give you all, or at least most of what you need then you're probably set for a good life -- a life where you have something to give to others too, and where you have people who give to you as well.
- ct 13y ago
  Kind of like learning to love yourself before others can love you.
erikb 13y ago
Interesting understanding. For me this article would be better named "how to be less shy". I fight the feeling of loneliness not with other people but by finding it's source and improving my emotional balance through doing other things like sport, discovery of new stuff etc. Fighting the feeling of loneliness with people for an introvert is like fighting the desire to eat with food for fat people. It solves the feeling problem but not everything else. For example when I am around other people I often don't feel less lonely and instead also feel under stress, boringness etc.
adnzzzzZ 13y ago
My experience with curing loneliness is very contrary to what the article states in the sense that I found a way to not feel lonely by being more disconnected from other people. I realized that I only felt lonely when my expectations as to how other people should give me their time/attention were not met, so I purposefully decided to decrease the number and intensity of interactions with other people. I haven't felt that soul crushing loneliness that cripples you in about a year now, and I like to think that that only happened because of lowered expectations (over time as you interact less intensely with people you'll naturally come to expect less of them) and because of learning how to be alone (being alone and being lonely are not the same thing). The article states you should be around people you know every day and I find that pretty weird. I think the best way to learn how to not feel lonely is to learn to be content with yourself, otherwise you'll always rely on other people and so your feelings of loneliness will fail to go away as soon as other people fail you. Kinda related: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1
- dclara 13y ago
  Yes, I think you have the two points: 1) Lower your expectation. Most of our feeling comes with our expectation. If we adjust our expectation, things will be much different. 2) Do not rely on other people. It's not only for loneliness. We should rely on ourselves more and be more confident. One of the solutions is to find something you can really dedicate to work on that sucks most of your energy. You will feel less lonely but more rewarded by the outcome of the work, may it be a game or a business.
  - cdcarter 13y ago
    I completely agree with your number one, but personally I find number two to miss the mark. One of my resolutions for 2014 is to be less independent. To be open with the people that I love about what is happening with me, and to have the hard conversations, instead of letting my hurt stew inside of me.
- muhuk 13y ago
  I made a similar decision, also almost a year ago. I should mention that I had moved to another country 3 years ago. The first year I was very social. It was fun and satisfying. But then I started to realize there was a fundamental philosophical difference between me and pretty much everyone else. It's hard to explain objectively. But my observation is `truth is less important than peace and order`. It took me some time to formulate this because I was giving the benefit of doubt to my friends and only responding to what they were actually saying. But when truth is no longer the goal, pretty much anything goes. The second year went by with these awkward conversations. Then I started to question the value of my friendships. Of course it was the value I was getting at first. But that line of thinking wasn't very useful from a practical perspective. It dawned on me when I started looking at the equation from the other side. What I had to offer wasn't valuable for them. Not only that, it was confusing and sometimes hurtful. It's like you get to paint the world any color you want, then someone comes tells you that the sun shouldn't be green. Of course this was all in my head, it had to be tested. If you are a valuable friend to me, if you contribute something worthy to my life, I thought, I would at least care if you are dead or not. That was my thesis. So I disconnected from the `cheap communication` channels but kept my phone and of course my email. And that's pretty much the whole story. No one called. Except a few friends that I didn't have doubts about, but I have always been in contact with them, facebook or no facebook. I sometimes feel lonely. But I will not lower my expectations. Because that would mean asking me to stop saying the world revolves around sun, or that it's not flat. I don't want to pretend everybody is right `in their own way`, no matter how stupid the stuff coming out of their mouth. That would make me unhappy. Now, at least I can be happy. I agree with you in that independence is valuable trait. Much of the advice is focusing on the offense, meet more people, be more nice. I think independence and self-esteem are better starting points. I would say; work on yourself. If you are bettering yourself, you wouldn't have too much time to feel lonely. Eventually you might meet new people and maybe make some friends. But I think the key is to build yourself up.
sakopov 13y ago
By definition, I am a chronic loner. I've been a loner for most of my life. I've had periods when I'd stay awake at night because it would scare the hell out of me. Lonely people will inevitably start questioning themselves. They'll start thinking that something is wrong with them. They'll start ripping chunks out of their soul. Eventually the confidence diminishes and things go downhill from here. I said earlier i am a loner by definition. However, I don't consider myself one. A few years ago I decided to change things. I pushed myself to do something outside of my comfort zone. In an attempt to lift my confidence I decided to fly out to France and walk all the way across Spain to the Atlantic coast on the trail of El Camino de Santiago. After a little over a month of walking in all kinds of ungodly conditions with nothing but a backpack full of essentials and meeting and hearing amazing people and their stories, i came back with an entirely different outlook on life. I came back with my life priorities figured out. I stopped worrying about life. But most important of all, i gained my confidence back and i knew that no matter where i am tomorrow - i will be okay. As a result of all this, i started traveling more and soaking in as much of the world around me as i could. I decided to live healthy and entirely transformed my body. Recently, I picked up paragliding and I'm now working on a paraglider pilot license and hopefully start flying solo this summer. I wouldn't have dreamed about any of this a few years back. Alone? Fuck alone! Look at the world around you!! Do something crazy for once and discover how many doors this opens and what you'll learn about yourself that's currently hiding behind 10 layers of self-pity.
- blah32497 13y ago
  Your reply reminds me of the fact that people often confound loneliness and boredom. When your life isn't very engaging you start to feel like you don't have enough people in your life, and you need people to vent your frustrations to. I think if you look at people that have very full busy lives they are not the sort of people that will often complain about loneliness. If you look at the top comment for this thread - the suggestion of getting a significant other is actually about fighting boredom. It's about filling in all the gaps in your life with what he characterizes as trivial conversations and concerns.

206 points by wtsui 13y ago

hosh 13y ago

This article is an excellent start :-) It is particularly relevant in relation to that article that surfaced here, about mapping out emotions arising from a large sampling of people. I will say though, that thoughts do not simply arise from emotions in introverted people -- it arises like that in pretty much everyone. Some extraverts are just that in tuned with their bodies, emotions, and intuitions; others use talking as a way to avoid getting in touch with feelings, much that same many thinkers use thoughts to avoid getting in touch with feelings. Lastly, loneliness tends to be a particular feeling lodged in the chest (for a lot of people). Regardless of whether you label that sensation as loneliness or not, there are physical exercises that can work with it directly. The main thing is to relax the muscles and tissues surrounding the chest cavity and give those sensations an opportunity to move and flow. It is best done when your arms are (physically) wide open. Loneliness comes from a feeling of not getting sufficient emotional connection from others. There are lots of configurations that can lead to that. One of the main ones is that, the very act of connecting to someone else requires opening up, and opening up usually leads people to feeling the vulnerability that they don't want. Physically opening up the arms and the body helps you get used to feeling open, and being so, it becomes easier to connect with others. Hope this help some of you folks -- good times :-)

loupeabody 13y ago
You seem to be knowledgeable about this topic. Have you ever heard about bioenergetics? If not, the general premise is that neurosis is expressed physically in the musculature. Specific kinds of movements can target and eliminate neurosis, which emerges as tension in chronically contracted muscles. Any exercise is bound to help somewhat, probably for more reasons than something like bioenergetics can claim, but still there are specific approaches for eliminating neurotic behavior in different character types. These specific exercises are accompanied by psychoanalysis in order to cultivate a conscious relationship between the mental and physical constructs of the patient's neurosis. It seems like a pretty obvious insight to me now, having read a little bit about the subject. For example, flinching is a very pronounced, instinctual movement, and occurs in response to danger, right? So, if our environment can impel us to move, then certainly there are other movements, like flinches, that are more subtle in their expression, but reflect some internal, psychological mechanism, like a response to fear. Perception of body language, such as bad posture, supports this. I have yet to read a satisfactory amount of info about the subject, but I can recommend what little I've read if anyone's interested.
- blendergasket 13y ago
  I'd be really interested in scientific information about this. I have been practicing Qigong for a little more than a year and a half and I can absolutely say that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It feels like it's tapping right into what it seems you're talking about. It's amazing, the power of the body (which, in a dualistic culture like I've grown up in may be an overly reductive word).
  - lawnchair_larry 13y ago
    You won't find scientific information about it, because like Qigong, it's pseudoscience.
    - h1karu 13y ago
      For approximately 500 years [science's] argument for its pre-eminence was that it could create beautiful toys: aircraft, railroads, global economies, television, spacecraft. But that is a fool’s argument for truth! I mean, that’s after all how a medicine show operates, you know: the juggler is so good, the medicine must be even better! This is not an entirely rational way to proceed. -Terrence Mckenna
      - nmeofthestate 13y ago
        "Chi" "flowing through the body"? And, from another comment "quasi-quantum biological enzymes"? (NB: quantum theory pseudo-scientific-bollocks klaxon) Qigong may get results, but it's certainly pseudoscience. And I bet science will be what eventually explains why it gets results.
        jvagner 13y ago
        what's the name for things in science that will be proven in 20 years, but can't be proven today? what are the limits of science? i'd also recommend the book "the divided mind" by john sarno to readers of this thread.
wpietri 13y ago
Do you happen to have a link to that mapping article? It sounds interesting.
- hosh 13y ago
  This was the article I read: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping-emotions-on-the-body-love-makes-us-warm-all-over http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping... However, I lost track of the arxiv URL. The Y(HN) links directly to the paper.
thupten 13y ago
You reminded me of a ted talk. Lifting your arms up for two minutes boosts ones confidence. The speaker recommends that before interview if one can find a place to lift their arms for 2 minutes (like in a restroom), the interview goes much better.
- hosh 13y ago
  Sure. Even better if you are raising it up like you are pumping your arms for victory. I once did a qigong practice in front of the kid. The kid copied me, stretched his arms all the way up, on tiptoes, with a big grin on his face. Obviously, I learned more from the kid than the kid learned from me.
- agumonkey 13y ago
  here's said talk http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes... ps: I'll add that doing physical activity gives good posture for "free". I'll suggest anybody to gradually go up to sets of 10 {pushups, crunches, squat} and a bit of stretching hip and back, and shoulder. It won't take long, 10 crunches ~= 30 seconds, will make you warm, relaxed and stand straight.

kaplejon 13y ago

This is basically the perfect collection of thoughts for me to be reading right now. I, and extreme introvert, just moved into my brother's new house. He is an extreme extrovert. What struck me most was point "2. Find people who give you time to speak". I find myself often surrounded by those people who don't have any of the empathy to realize I need to let me thoughts work their way to the surface. It has created a lot of failed attempts to reach out to other people. I get frustrated, because it leads me to feel like the other person just isn't listening, because as soon as I do start saying something the other person will usually jump to a(n incorrect) conclusion about what I'm starting to say, and interject based on what thought just entered their mind. As a result, I've spent years with those types never getting to know me, and my attempts to open up becoming more curt and infrequent. Conversely, maybe this empathy is why so many people tell me I'm a good listener. I don't jump to conclusions about what another person is saying. I rarely even try to work out my response while the other person is still talking. I let them think, speak, and reason all before reacting. Of course, with real Type-A personalities this means they will tend to go on forever, and I don't know how to get them to shut up. Ha. But, they still come away feeling like I get them. And the effect is quite magnified with anyone who is less than 100% Type-A. And perhaps validating this article, taking the time to let these "feelings" and "thoughts" rise up, I'm finding myself in much greater agreement (and understanding of self) and will recommit to attempting to surround myself (most of the time, thought not all of the time) with people who can help me work in my strengths. The great challenge that will prove while living with my brother.

chrisabrams 13y ago
You're not alone. Edit: I did not intend to make that a pun.
loupeabody 13y ago
That resonated with me as well. Part of my own personal struggle with connecting with other people is failing to feel totally authentic in conversation. I think that this idea of allowing myself to fully feel my own response before saying anything will help a great deal. Often, when I'm with people who have strong opinions and voice them aggressively (which is many people I know), I feel stifled. It's almost as though I'm being completely removed from the situation and my true feelings are irrelevant to those in my company. It makes it very easy to close up and withdraw.

jackschultz 13y ago

I'm becoming more and more convinced that being able to share secrets with someone (the last point by the author) is the most important aspect not feeling lonely. Knowing that someone cares about you enough to listen to your problems, and respect you enough to not blab them everyone means that you aren't in this alone.

scotty79 13y ago
Sharing painful secrets anonymously with random disposable strangers on the internet via chatroom helped me a lot when I had to un-love a girl and had no friends to help me go through this. After less than a year of such chats when I felt especially sad and lonely I got bored with my own sad story and people in general and I was cured of my loneliness.
blah32497 13y ago
One thing I'd highly recommend is looking at is: 1 what are* your secrets 2 is there a way you can make it so you have fewer of them secrets are incredibly parasitic and ultimately stressful. There was a recent post on HN about this (though 90% of the comments missed the point he was making) https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6891311 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6891311

dclara 13y ago

There is a famous book saying loneliness is the ultimate feeling coming along with us. So don't be afraid of being lonely. I read another blog post here talking about enjoy aloneness, which is also great. If you are confident from inside, ultimately you can overcome the negative feeling, but enjoy the peaceful feeling for being lonely. At least there is no hurt from other people. I agree that you have to give them time to surface. Actually frequently practicing meditation will help you clear up your mind and let the feeling surface. Make ourselves strong psychologically will keep us away from feeling lonely. Of course, always having goal to pursue, you don't have time to feel lonely.

h1karu 13y ago
my favorite quotation on loneliness: http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/think-on-these-things/1963-00-00-jiddu-krishnamurti-think-on-these-things-chapter-23 http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/think-on-these-things/1... You have a point about how if one always has a goal to pursue one never allows himself to feel his deepest sense of loneliness and therefor he doesn't fully process it and learn from it. It's tough though as a software developer because if you have "free time" you could always be using it to "be productive".. to create a product, make fortune, etc. One has to schedule in the time to sit with his loneliness I suppose. sigh
- dclara 13y ago
  I clicked the link and I believe your reference is good, but don't have time to read through. I agree with you that we need to find sometime to sit with our loneliness. But I tried to avoid to experience it too deep. Rather than feel it, I'd rather to see what I can do to get rid of it, say, find the root cause and remove the root cause. For example, we may feel lonely when our business does not soar with enough supporters and customers, or when we have an idea, but nobody likes it. We can do something to resolve this problem. Or When we feel lacking of objective to pursue, or we simple need to express our feelings. If it's pure emotional, but we have no SO (Significant Others, as some previous post mentioned) to share with, we have to distract ourselves by some other exciting things. For me, two things are essential to stay away from loneliness: SO and something to pursue. They make myself fill confident with self-esteem, also make my life more meaningful. Having a good SO is hard, but important. All the rest kinds are not critical. Always be myself, don't rely on other people too much, even with SO. Build something cool is also very rewarded. http://kck.st/JNqv8z http://kck.st/JNqv8z

deleted 13y ago

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jey 13y ago

Is there any more information about #1, "listen to what your body has to say"? I've come across this idea in several places lately and want to understand it better, but haven't found any good resources. Maybe something from cognitive or somatic psychology? Where does it originally come from? (Psychology? Meditation?)

ciclista 13y ago
I can't help you with a defined origin, but check out the book "Focusing" by E. Gendlin for a good start on experiencing/understanding the concept.
- dmfdmf 13y ago
  I agree, point #1 comes straight from Gendlin and should be attributed.
timeofgifts 13y ago
Vipassana meditation. Check out dhamma.org

adrianlmm 13y ago

...or get marry.

scotty79 13y ago
... results may vary.

avighnay 13y ago

There is a cultural undercurrent to loneliness too In my previous job (with others from India) at a North European company which ran out of one of their towns. The loneliness of a beautiful North European town (100% conservative white population with a sprinkling of chinese immigrants, we were the first brown people to be seen there) (during short biz visits) was a striking contrast to our lives in India. So much so that in weekends, we rushed to get up and catch morning trains to the nearest city, just to be around a crowd of people (even in the city, we could find what we needed only in their excellent railway stations cum malls) The same experience in San Jose, US but worse still as you practically good as dead without your own car. We (a female colleague and I) tried the fledgling (2001) train service there and ended up wishing we were wiser. Public transport in US West seemed to be used only by the socially discarded. I had to coax our hosts to get a car rented by a US colleague with me as a secondary driver (due to my foreign car license!) and then only it was FREEDOM! :-) New York on the other hand, I felt at home. Get down from your hotel and you are into a sea of walking people Yay! So an additional point can be being in a place with substantial amount of people, even if they are strangers gives you a relief from loneliness.

lingoberry 13y ago
Very interesting! I'm from one of those beautiful frozen North European towns and I have the opposite problem when I visit places like China or Japan :) I do think it's easier to get used to living in crowded places than the other way around though. What town/country did you live in if I may ask?
- avighnay 13y ago
  Putten, Netherlands

stevewillows 13y ago

Years ago my (now ex) wife and my friends would tell venial sins on road trips. It started out as a bit of a joke, but as we got going the level of intimacy grew quickly.

nickthemagicman 13y ago
Where does a venial sin stop and a serious sin begin?
- stevewillows 13y ago
  For us, we realized we entered into something when we starting discussing why we viewed the particular 'venial sin' in that certain light. Like everything dealing with morality and what-not, there's no clear division. From a traditionally religious standpoint, there isn't really much of a division either. Christians would say that Jesus died for all sins, not just a handful of the most interesting ones. I would say that the line between venial and mortal was a line drawn by man to feel something.
  - nickthemagicman 13y ago
    Interesting. Thanks for the reply. I think you're a whole 'nother level than me in regards to thinking about this.

daily 13y ago

> A big part of my loneliness was I refused to accept that I am actually a pretty introverted, non-verbal person The author was a senior when I was a freshman in college. He was one of the upperclassmen that I looked up to. He was very smart, good looking and we hung out sometimes when he would give me good advice. It never occurred to me that he's introverted and that he should have a reason to feel lonely. Quite a strange feeling when I saw this post from twitter. I feel guilty for not understanding him enough but it's nice to see this useful and positive post.

josscrowcroft 13y ago

Beautiful writing - thank you for sharing.

deleted 13y ago

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apunic 13y ago

Loneliness is severe. Stopping this feeling is quite hard and I slightly doubt that the article's content will help but as somebody wrote, it's a great start to dig deeper. 1. What one needs: ideally, you have a significant other (SO) -- I know it's damn hard to get one but let's first understand why a SO is the number one fix for loneliness. The SO is somebody no one else can replace, even not your best friends. Why? There are many reasons but the most important is that we all require a lot of communication and interaction with like-minded people to be happy -- this is one of our core needs and if this is lacking just one (!) day we get depressed. A SO fulfills those communication and interaction needs much better than any other person because the quantity of communication with your SO can be very high while the quality can be low. So, what does it mean? You can call your SO anytime and tell her really minor stuff like 'they have awesome apples in the store, shall I get some?' or when going to bed you can talk about how the day went, that traffic today was a pain or you show her some funny posts on Reddit. Just imagine how many words of unimportant communication you exchange with an SO in a week vacation. All this sounds nitty-gritty and totally irrelevant, but the SO is 'always-on', will listen to any crap and this is something we terribly need. And you can't call or text your best friend or close co-workers before going to bed to tell them that today's apples were really juicy. Moreover, we get other amenities like sex or endearment. 2. If no SO is present then the next thing you need to not feel lonely are good or very good friends or let's call them best friends, people who you really connect to. To find those is as hard as finding your SO and usually you don't get that a person is about to be your best friend before meeting him/her over a long period of time. But 'best friends' won't stay -- it doesn't take too long and the connection you had with them loosens up but you still stick to them (because they 'are' your best friends), so don't spend too much time on finding the 'best' friend, any friend will do. However, best friends are important but can not replace a SO. 3. The next level of people you need or are rather nice to have are close or like-minded co-workers. But this is something you shouldn't aspire for and those connections are very fragile/dynamic because work and life sometimes doesn't play well together and disappointment is hard-wired. Still, best friends can be won from co-workers. So, we know now what we need, let's now find an answer to the question how to get there. Finding a SO is very hard and the best way is to go out and create as many leads as possible -- very helpful is the PUA literature, just google it and find tons of wisdoms. A lot of stuff is crappy but you will find as much excellent advice there. And don't think that good looks is the key to find your SO, it makes life a bit easier but it's definitely not the key. Similar to before you should go out and meet many, many people -- very good for this are meet-ups. But the most important thing: you should NEVER go out and look for the SO or the best friend. This doesn't work and makes you ultra needy and people will find you awkward. Simultaneously, you will be disappointed because everybody you meet seems to be a douche, so start slowly and don't expect wonders. Connect to MANY people and try to keep relationships superficial, slowly intense those relationship which look promising but look that you still connect to MANY people because most people won't match (for being a SO or best friend). A hint: good matches are usually your close peers, people who are in similar situations, contexts and/or face same challenges. However, to have a good evening often you do not need a best friend (of course it's better and more convenient to have one) but sometimes just some random people work out too. What can also help: find a personal mission you pursue which is NOT 'finding best friends', starting a startup, a meetup, whatever -- to create a relationship you need always some hook. And then after few months everything will come by itself. It's definitely some work involved but everybody can master it, even the introverts (which is just often a weak excuse). To survive the lonely times before -> exercise every day, eat and live well and most important, stop any kind of drugs, they make your lonely times even worse. A side note regarding founders, when starting their business entrepreneurs have a hard time but this struggle will be rewarded in future and feeling lonely is often part of the job.

Dewie 13y ago

If anything I probably should be more lonely. Like a person who bleeds to death without knowing it because he has no pain receptors where the cut occured.

Dewie 13y ago
Well, that came out a bit too over-dramatic. But I still like the pain receptor analogy.

mercer 13y ago

Loneliness has been one of the issues consistently on my mind for at least the past few years. From my early twenties on I've always lived in big cities. During my studies I was part of a student organization (very much like a fraternity), and after that I moved around between cities and as a result I made many friends, particularly 'expats'. As I got closer to them, no matter what personality or lifestyle they had, loneliness was a common feeling. This often led to intense unhappiness and even outright depression, and some of these friends eventually returned to their home cities or college cities because they missed their friends. Over time I started thinking more and more about this issue, as it clearly seems to be a problem, and a big one at that. I thought about the causes, but most importantly I tried to think of solutions. When it comes to causes, one tentative conclusion I have come to is that the (post-?) modern Western European lifestyle basically sets us up to be lonely. We compartmentalize our lives to a degree that I haven't experienced as much in developing nations. Our work is separate from our 'personal' life, as are our variety of relationships. Our spouses might have never met our colleagues, our colleagues never met our friends, our friends might never meet our parents, and so on. The result is a fragmented life where you aren't automatically part of some community, but where you actively have to maintain individual and group relationships. Another effect is that we can (and might have to) be so many different people in so many different situations, and that we often have to start from scratch because we move, change jobs, break up, and so on. On top of that, we often live alone, and put a big emphasis on our individual goals and happiness. Contrast this with a more 'traditional' society with many family-run shops, often inside or near the house, huge families that often live in proximity, and a strong sense of responsibility for these family ties. It's hard to be lonely in such a situation (although it does exist, and when it does it can be quite severe). I've reached a point where I sometimes wonder if our individualism and emphasis on freedom is worth the drawbacks, of which loneliness is a big one. In my surroundings at least, loneliness needs to be actively fought. And one could argue that the pressure resting on a partnership or starting a family is sometimes too much of a burden, precisely because it is, at least in my world, one of the few remaining approaches (or at least 'convenient' approaches) to not be alone. I've been thinking a lot about experimenting with different ways of living together and creating new forms of community. I've seen successful neighbourhood initiatives, for example, where people start interacting more on a local level. I've seen many flatshares that play a part in keeping loneliness away. And I've spent much of my life living in 'communal' environments that were wonderful, especially growing up. The odd thing about all this is that I am quite solitary and don't generally feel lonely. I can easily spend days, even weeks, mostly by myself. And yet this problem bothers me tremendously. I've been rambling and my apologies for any lack of coherence or over-generalizing. Let me end with a quote that hopefully does contribute something. It prescribes what I've personally experienced to be a surefire way to avoid loneliness, and to foster real connections (and fast, often!): "We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time. When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy. It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable."

gggmaster 13y ago

Some people think you are lonely if your way of living is different from theirs. More annoyingly, they repetitively tell you that you are lonely. If you yield to this brainwashing, then you really feel lonely.

dclara 13y ago
Some people are needy and always expect to entertained. They keep telling you not because you are lonely, but they are. If you have this kind of friends, probably you have to provide something to fill in their loneliness and make them happy.

yason 13y ago

The feeling of loneliness is one thing. The article gives good advice on how to feel lonely less often. Being alone is another and much more fundamental. For what I've learned, accepting the fact that you're here, in this life, alone is the precursor to any meaningful relationships. Connections with other people are limited, you've got some things together with one friend and some other things together with another friend. You probably have lots of things together with your spouse but there's nobody just like you, and there's no missing half of you out there that would make you whole. Everything you need on this journey is within yourself. And in the end, being alone in this whole world is something that you need to accept first before integrating other people in your life in any meaningful (i.e. non-superficial) way. If you know you can handle it: if you know you can deal with yourself and your life even if you never meet anyone who can give you all, or at least most of what you need then you're probably set for a good life -- a life where you have something to give to others too, and where you have people who give to you as well.

ct 13y ago
Kind of like learning to love yourself before others can love you.

erikb 13y ago

Interesting understanding. For me this article would be better named "how to be less shy". I fight the feeling of loneliness not with other people but by finding it's source and improving my emotional balance through doing other things like sport, discovery of new stuff etc. Fighting the feeling of loneliness with people for an introvert is like fighting the desire to eat with food for fat people. It solves the feeling problem but not everything else. For example when I am around other people I often don't feel less lonely and instead also feel under stress, boringness etc.

adnzzzzZ 13y ago

My experience with curing loneliness is very contrary to what the article states in the sense that I found a way to not feel lonely by being more disconnected from other people. I realized that I only felt lonely when my expectations as to how other people should give me their time/attention were not met, so I purposefully decided to decrease the number and intensity of interactions with other people. I haven't felt that soul crushing loneliness that cripples you in about a year now, and I like to think that that only happened because of lowered expectations (over time as you interact less intensely with people you'll naturally come to expect less of them) and because of learning how to be alone (being alone and being lonely are not the same thing). The article states you should be around people you know every day and I find that pretty weird. I think the best way to learn how to not feel lonely is to learn to be content with yourself, otherwise you'll always rely on other people and so your feelings of loneliness will fail to go away as soon as other people fail you. Kinda related: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1

dclara 13y ago
Yes, I think you have the two points: 1) Lower your expectation. Most of our feeling comes with our expectation. If we adjust our expectation, things will be much different. 2) Do not rely on other people. It's not only for loneliness. We should rely on ourselves more and be more confident. One of the solutions is to find something you can really dedicate to work on that sucks most of your energy. You will feel less lonely but more rewarded by the outcome of the work, may it be a game or a business.
- cdcarter 13y ago
  I completely agree with your number one, but personally I find number two to miss the mark. One of my resolutions for 2014 is to be less independent. To be open with the people that I love about what is happening with me, and to have the hard conversations, instead of letting my hurt stew inside of me.
muhuk 13y ago
I made a similar decision, also almost a year ago. I should mention that I had moved to another country 3 years ago. The first year I was very social. It was fun and satisfying. But then I started to realize there was a fundamental philosophical difference between me and pretty much everyone else. It's hard to explain objectively. But my observation is `truth is less important than peace and order`. It took me some time to formulate this because I was giving the benefit of doubt to my friends and only responding to what they were actually saying. But when truth is no longer the goal, pretty much anything goes. The second year went by with these awkward conversations. Then I started to question the value of my friendships. Of course it was the value I was getting at first. But that line of thinking wasn't very useful from a practical perspective. It dawned on me when I started looking at the equation from the other side. What I had to offer wasn't valuable for them. Not only that, it was confusing and sometimes hurtful. It's like you get to paint the world any color you want, then someone comes tells you that the sun shouldn't be green. Of course this was all in my head, it had to be tested. If you are a valuable friend to me, if you contribute something worthy to my life, I thought, I would at least care if you are dead or not. That was my thesis. So I disconnected from the `cheap communication` channels but kept my phone and of course my email. And that's pretty much the whole story. No one called. Except a few friends that I didn't have doubts about, but I have always been in contact with them, facebook or no facebook. I sometimes feel lonely. But I will not lower my expectations. Because that would mean asking me to stop saying the world revolves around sun, or that it's not flat. I don't want to pretend everybody is right `in their own way`, no matter how stupid the stuff coming out of their mouth. That would make me unhappy. Now, at least I can be happy. I agree with you in that independence is valuable trait. Much of the advice is focusing on the offense, meet more people, be more nice. I think independence and self-esteem are better starting points. I would say; work on yourself. If you are bettering yourself, you wouldn't have too much time to feel lonely. Eventually you might meet new people and maybe make some friends. But I think the key is to build yourself up.

sakopov 13y ago

By definition, I am a chronic loner. I've been a loner for most of my life. I've had periods when I'd stay awake at night because it would scare the hell out of me. Lonely people will inevitably start questioning themselves. They'll start thinking that something is wrong with them. They'll start ripping chunks out of their soul. Eventually the confidence diminishes and things go downhill from here. I said earlier i am a loner by definition. However, I don't consider myself one. A few years ago I decided to change things. I pushed myself to do something outside of my comfort zone. In an attempt to lift my confidence I decided to fly out to France and walk all the way across Spain to the Atlantic coast on the trail of El Camino de Santiago. After a little over a month of walking in all kinds of ungodly conditions with nothing but a backpack full of essentials and meeting and hearing amazing people and their stories, i came back with an entirely different outlook on life. I came back with my life priorities figured out. I stopped worrying about life. But most important of all, i gained my confidence back and i knew that no matter where i am tomorrow - i will be okay. As a result of all this, i started traveling more and soaking in as much of the world around me as i could. I decided to live healthy and entirely transformed my body. Recently, I picked up paragliding and I'm now working on a paraglider pilot license and hopefully start flying solo this summer. I wouldn't have dreamed about any of this a few years back. Alone? Fuck alone! Look at the world around you!! Do something crazy for once and discover how many doors this opens and what you'll learn about yourself that's currently hiding behind 10 layers of self-pity.

blah32497 13y ago
Your reply reminds me of the fact that people often confound loneliness and boredom. When your life isn't very engaging you start to feel like you don't have enough people in your life, and you need people to vent your frustrations to. I think if you look at people that have very full busy lives they are not the sort of people that will often complain about loneliness. If you look at the top comment for this thread - the suggestion of getting a significant other is actually about fighting boredom. It's about filling in all the gaps in your life with what he characterizes as trivial conversations and concerns.