6 ms·

He doesn't understand how to be happy or satisfied. He needs a therapist. I think most people do, they underestimate the value of having an independent soundi

by davidu 13y ago

He doesn't understand how to be happy or satisfied. He needs a therapist. I think most people do, they underestimate the value of having an independent sounding board to help work through these kinds of feelings. His expectations are either unrealistic, or he's surrounded by people who are always doing better, despite him doing well, which makes him seem like a failure. He has the luxury of those feelings. Silicon Valley can be a totally distorted place where there is always someone doing better. It's important to look inwards for satisfaction, and not externally, or some arbitrary barometer of success. Plus, the people around him who appear to be winners, are often chock full of their own problems.

thirdtruck 13y ago
Agreed. I look forward to the day when twice-yearly visits to a therapist are as socially-accepted and -expected as visits to the dentist. Your brain, like your teeth or your car, needs regular servicing by a professional if you want optimal performance and want to avoid costly repairs.
- jdbernard 13y ago
  > Your brain, like your teeth or your car, needs regular servicing by a professional if you want optimal performance and want to avoid costly repairs. I don't know that I agree. I was fortunate to be raised by incredible parents. I emerged extremely well-adjusted and prepared for adulthood. I am not saying I never benefit from a counselor or therapist. There have been times I have visited each for help and advice, or even just to get an outside evaluation about something. But I do not need to go regularly like I would to the dentist. That's not being arrogant, that's just knowing myself. Your brain needs regular exercise, sure. But I think it is more analogous to physical exercise than something like the dentist. I agree that most people could benefit from having a regular appointment with a physical trainer, but many people are well-equipped to be their own trainer, at least for the purpose of staying healthy and happy. I think the same is true of mental health.
  - thirdtruck 13y ago
    I think we agree in the large part. The part about relying on a third-party professional was assumed. I'm reminded of a relative's teeth: they might have been born with exceptional enamel, preventing all manner of early cavities, but now they lack the oral hygiene habits they need going forward. Along those same lines: to what degree are you uncommonly well-adjusted, versus born to circumstances in which many of your foibles don't cause problems to _you_ because of the consequence buffer provided by fortuitous race, sex, orientation, class, etc.? I know I can get away with under-developed stress processing because I'm white and male and date women, for example.
    - jdbernard 13y ago
      Well, I can't claim to know with absolute certainty how I would react in situations that I have never been in; I am not omniscient. I do feel like I am fairly well equipped to handle whatever situation was given to me without regular help from a therapist. I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it. But I am well aware of my faults and fairly well aware of what I would need to do to shore them up. That doesn't mean it is easy. Like I said, I don't have any problem going to a therapist for help with something I am struggling with. But I can't imagine any situation in life where I would need to regularly visit a therapist. Like your relative, I was gifted with great genes as far as my dental health goes. I've never had a cavity or any oral problems for that matter. Somewhere along the way I learned to take care of my teeth properly. However, I still need and benefit from regularly visiting a dentist, despite my good genes or how well equipped I am to handle my teeth on my own. I just don't feel the same about therapists, as wonderful as they can be.
zellyn 13y ago
+1 on therapy. Sounds like he can afford it. :-)
michaelrhansen 13y ago
great response.
tannerc 13y ago
I agree. To quote Alan Watts from his book "The Book": "Money alone cannot buy pleasure, though it can help. For enjoyment is an art and a skill for which we have little talent or energy."
gdubs 13y ago
As an alternative to therapy, he could also take up yoga/meditation. Bonus: it can be done for free.
- gaius 13y ago
  Not the same thing. The value of a therapist is bouncing ideas off them without them judging you.
izzydata 13y ago
Best advise I've seen on the internet.
nknighthb 13y ago
A therapist is probably needed, but after reading some of frankphillips's further comments in this thread, I was also left thinking a long chat with a financial planner may be in order.
epaladin 13y ago
It might take a while to find a good therapist- so some support there with encouragement to keep trying if the first one doesn't work out can be helpful. Focusing on mindfulness, and also healthy habits like regular exercise also might help. To aid with getting into a meditation practice, I ended up going to a workshop at a local Zen center, but Yoga works also. There are also an increasing number of meditation groups that are based on mindfulness meditation that's not based on any traditional practice, but rather based on the recent understanding we've arrived at with how meditation actually effects the body- look for "mindfulness based stress reduction". I don't have nearly that sort of income but have been fighting a similar battle for a long time. It can take a little while to get through. At least the subject hasn't been completely paralyzed by lack of fulfillment, and made things work in the mean time.
richsin 13y ago
Spot on. We do things to improve our life because we believe it can be better. He is ready to improve his life and a therapist is the way to go. You feel unhealthy or you don't like being overweight, you change your habits. Some can do it themselves and learn about nutrition and exercise and some need the help of trainers and nutritionist. I have personally used blahtherapy.com and spoken to a wonderful therapist who just after one session helped me. Sometimes we need people to frame things in a different way. We also need people who we can be fully honest with to really get the input we need. That alone is worth the investment in therapy. frankphillips, I hope these quotes help you just a little bit, because they are very true. “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.” —Steve Furtick. "You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time." - Louie CK

by davidu 13y ago

thirdtruck 13y ago

Agreed. I look forward to the day when twice-yearly visits to a therapist are as socially-accepted and -expected as visits to the dentist. Your brain, like your teeth or your car, needs regular servicing by a professional if you want optimal performance and want to avoid costly repairs.

jdbernard 13y ago
> Your brain, like your teeth or your car, needs regular servicing by a professional if you want optimal performance and want to avoid costly repairs. I don't know that I agree. I was fortunate to be raised by incredible parents. I emerged extremely well-adjusted and prepared for adulthood. I am not saying I never benefit from a counselor or therapist. There have been times I have visited each for help and advice, or even just to get an outside evaluation about something. But I do not need to go regularly like I would to the dentist. That's not being arrogant, that's just knowing myself. Your brain needs regular exercise, sure. But I think it is more analogous to physical exercise than something like the dentist. I agree that most people could benefit from having a regular appointment with a physical trainer, but many people are well-equipped to be their own trainer, at least for the purpose of staying healthy and happy. I think the same is true of mental health.
- thirdtruck 13y ago
  I think we agree in the large part. The part about relying on a third-party professional was assumed. I'm reminded of a relative's teeth: they might have been born with exceptional enamel, preventing all manner of early cavities, but now they lack the oral hygiene habits they need going forward. Along those same lines: to what degree are you uncommonly well-adjusted, versus born to circumstances in which many of your foibles don't cause problems to _you_ because of the consequence buffer provided by fortuitous race, sex, orientation, class, etc.? I know I can get away with under-developed stress processing because I'm white and male and date women, for example.
  - jdbernard 13y ago
    Well, I can't claim to know with absolute certainty how I would react in situations that I have never been in; I am not omniscient. I do feel like I am fairly well equipped to handle whatever situation was given to me without regular help from a therapist. I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it. But I am well aware of my faults and fairly well aware of what I would need to do to shore them up. That doesn't mean it is easy. Like I said, I don't have any problem going to a therapist for help with something I am struggling with. But I can't imagine any situation in life where I would need to regularly visit a therapist. Like your relative, I was gifted with great genes as far as my dental health goes. I've never had a cavity or any oral problems for that matter. Somewhere along the way I learned to take care of my teeth properly. However, I still need and benefit from regularly visiting a dentist, despite my good genes or how well equipped I am to handle my teeth on my own. I just don't feel the same about therapists, as wonderful as they can be.

zellyn 13y ago

+1 on therapy. Sounds like he can afford it. :-)

michaelrhansen 13y ago

great response.

tannerc 13y ago

I agree. To quote Alan Watts from his book "The Book": "Money alone cannot buy pleasure, though it can help. For enjoyment is an art and a skill for which we have little talent or energy."

gdubs 13y ago

As an alternative to therapy, he could also take up yoga/meditation. Bonus: it can be done for free.

gaius 13y ago
Not the same thing. The value of a therapist is bouncing ideas off them without them judging you.

izzydata 13y ago

Best advise I've seen on the internet.

nknighthb 13y ago

A therapist is probably needed, but after reading some of frankphillips's further comments in this thread, I was also left thinking a long chat with a financial planner may be in order.

epaladin 13y ago

It might take a while to find a good therapist- so some support there with encouragement to keep trying if the first one doesn't work out can be helpful. Focusing on mindfulness, and also healthy habits like regular exercise also might help. To aid with getting into a meditation practice, I ended up going to a workshop at a local Zen center, but Yoga works also. There are also an increasing number of meditation groups that are based on mindfulness meditation that's not based on any traditional practice, but rather based on the recent understanding we've arrived at with how meditation actually effects the body- look for "mindfulness based stress reduction". I don't have nearly that sort of income but have been fighting a similar battle for a long time. It can take a little while to get through. At least the subject hasn't been completely paralyzed by lack of fulfillment, and made things work in the mean time.

richsin 13y ago

Spot on. We do things to improve our life because we believe it can be better. He is ready to improve his life and a therapist is the way to go. You feel unhealthy or you don't like being overweight, you change your habits. Some can do it themselves and learn about nutrition and exercise and some need the help of trainers and nutritionist. I have personally used blahtherapy.com and spoken to a wonderful therapist who just after one session helped me. Sometimes we need people to frame things in a different way. We also need people who we can be fully honest with to really get the input we need. That alone is worth the investment in therapy. frankphillips, I hope these quotes help you just a little bit, because they are very true. “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.” —Steve Furtick. "You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time." - Louie CK