9 ms·
What is your best programmer joke?
- DyslexicAtheist 13y agoStudy shows learning exotic functional programming languages like LISP/Scheme or Haskell to impact facial hair growth and accelerate neckbeards: http://thequickword.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/on-the-origin-of-the-modern-neckbeard-hacker/ http://thequickword.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/on-the-origin-o...
- program 13y agoThis article from devhumor: http://devhumor.com/193/ http://devhumor.com/193/ The assembly panel is very funny.
- edw519 13y agoOn the way to a sales call, a salesman, a project manager, and a programmer were kidnapped. When their employer refused to pay the ransom, the kidnappers granted each a last wish before killing them. The salesman said, "I still want to make the pitch I prepared for today. It's awesome and will only take an hour." The project manager said, "I still want to present my Powerpoint for this project. It's only 92 slides." The programmer said, "Kill me first."
- pmelendez 13y ago>"locked by NullUserException" I was hoping that were a joke :(
- ojbyrne 13y agoI often use "There are 2 hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-1 errors."
- thedufer 13y agoI prefer "There are 3 hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation and naming things."
- r00fus 13y agoMy favorite on this vein is: "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't."
- peapicker 13y agoI prefer, "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest."
- elwell 13y agoI like this variation: There are 10 type of people in the world: Those who understand binary Those who don't And those who count from zero
- athaeryn 13y agoOr: There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base three.
- JonnieCache 13y agoA TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer." I'd tell you my UDP packet joke, but I'm not sure you'd get it.
- codereflection 13y agobadumm-tish! Lol
- TacticalCoder 13y ago"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar." (read on /. years ago IIRC)
- MDCore 13y agoMy delivery is: "I like telling UDP jokes because I don't care if you don't get them" then immediately walk away.
- redmattred 13y agoA couple originals: - Javascript programmers have no class. - Psst...did you hear Haskell is stateless? Pass it on.
- ww520 13y agoThere are three kinds of people in the world: the ones who understand binary and the ones who don't.
- sprawl_ 13y agoThere are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be in base 3.
- deleted 13y ago[deleted]
- ColinWright 13y agoThat's a weird non-joke version. The ones I know are: The usual: There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't. Then there was: There are 11 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't. Which is a riff on: There are 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't. Then along came: There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary, those that don't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in ternary. Yours, on the other hand, just doesn't really make sense. Maybe I'm missing something ...
- magikarp 13y agoA Chinese spy manages to steal the last 50MB of the Lisp program governing U.S. missile launches. Fortunately, it was all closing parentheses.
- DigitalJack 13y agoThe joke would be a little better if you didn't explicitly as it was a lisp. Gotta leave a moment of epiphany for the listener.
- maggit 13y agoI can't make up my mind about which of the following is better: > A Chinese spy manages to steal the last 50MB of the program governing U.S. missile launches. Fortunately, it was all closing parentheses. or > A Chinese spy manages to steal the last 50MB of the program governing U.S. missile launches. Fortunately, it was Lisp.
- Danieru 13y agoMy attempt: A Chinese spy stole the last 48MB of the Abram's targeting system. To our good fortunes this was only the closing parentheses.
- swamp40 13y agoA Chinese spy manages to steal the last 50MB of the program governing U.S. missile launches. Fortunately it was in Lisp, so it was all closing parentheses.
- pavelludiq 13y agoactually, it was javascript and the file contained: } }); }; }());
- cema 13y agoWell, people do say Javascript is a Lisp in C clothes, and for a good reason. Well, for a bad reason too, as in this case.
- conradfr 13y agoPHP
- Millennium 13y agoAt a place where I used to work, someone had a car with one of those Virginia "Internet C@pital" license plates. The design has changed over the years, but this one put the @ in a big blue dot right in the lower center of the license plate. Sadly, I can't find a pic of this person's plate, or even that style of plate, anymore. The license number was "CAR JPG". I SO wish I had a pic to prove this.
- DjangoReinhardt 13y agoNot sure if this is the one you are talking about, but a cursory image search on Google led me to this image in a Flickr set: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrbee2828/92718344/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrbee2828/92718344/ I don't see the '@' anywhere which leads me to believe this may be a fake/photoshop. Still, quite interesting... :)
- ojbyrne 13y agohttp://domainnamewire.com/wp-content/virginia-internet-capital.png http://domainnamewire.com/wp-content/virginia-internet-capit... In your picture it would be covered by the license plate frame.
- Millennium 13y agoThat's not the design I remember -like I said, it has changed- but it does look like a similar vehicle. Maybe they got a new license plate?
- Piskvorrr 13y agoInternet Catpital? Like, for lolcats?
- crusso 13y agoI have a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
- ColinWright 13y agoYes - see the earlier comment: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7036510 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7036510
- crusso 13y agoRedundancy is a key part of unreliable protocol jokes.
- centrinoblue 13y agolol
- yalogin 13y agoTo go off topic a bit here - all these SO articles that are not pinpointed programming questions are always closed or locked. You can no longer ask these kind of open ended, leading to a debate kind of questions on SO anymore. The questions have to be very focused and narrow so that someone can answer it to get points. Its really disappointing but that is just the way the community took it in - pedantic.
- sp332 13y agoOn SO, mod points are granted by how many "points" you have. The idea is that if you have that many points, you got them by asking good questions, writing good answers, and generally being a good citizen on the site. But if you allow jokes or open-ended questions, then people get tons of points and mod powers even it they don't really contribute to the content of the site. It would help if they allowed open-ended questions that are marked "community wiki" (which means the author doesn't get points for the post). But you'd still end up with a lot of off-topic content getting upvoted on the front page which would be annoying.
- teh_klev 13y ago"It would help if they allowed open-ended questions that are marked "community wiki"" And then we'd have quora, which would not be Stack Overflow. The intention of the site from day one was to encourage specific answerable programming questions that do not involve endless open ended discussion. I truly believe this narrow scope of acceptable question type is why the site is hugely popular. I don't understand how people don't get this even after five and a half years.
- stompchicken 13y agoWhy couldn't the computer scientist plough the field? It was intractorable.
- adnam 13y agoBefore I click, just a quick bet with myself this excellent question has been closed. [edit] yep, locked. Thanks NullUserException! Now another quick bet with myself that someone will reply to this comment defending S.O.s repeated closure of interesting questions.
- deleted 13y ago[deleted]
- maggit 13y agoI get incredible value out of Stack Overflow. Do you not? Does the fact that this question is locked diminish its value or the value of Stack Overflow in any way? Of course, Stack Overflow is not made for interesting questions. Notice that I am not defending this descision, I am merely stating it. You know this, which is why you were accurately able to predict that this question would be closed. Why is this interesting enough to warrant commenting that this is the case also today?
- Turing_Machine 13y agoAt least 4/5 of the times it comes up in a Google search (for the stuff I search for, at least), some idiot moderator has closed the question. The message that sends to me is "Your question isn't worthy of our site. Go away." So, yeah, it does make using the site less pleasant, and thus reduces its value to me.
- wpietri 13y agoDitto. I stopped contributing to Stack Overflow because of this. It's a classic example of cart-before-the-horse product thinking. Users aren't there to follow your orders; they're people with actual needs that you're trying to serve. I get that they don't want the site to be overrun with goofy content, because that prevents you from serving other actual needs. But there are better solutions than tasking a large number of people with running around and jerkily stomping out anything that doesn't fit the owners' precise vision. I think this is the exact mistake that Friendster made. And really, the same one Google Plus made. Neither of those products were built for the users; they were built to serve the owners' desires.
- edw519 13y ago>If you're happy and you know it, missing quote missing quote >IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItNotAVerb Not a verb >If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it, If you're happy and you know it, syntax error syntax error
- crntaylor 13y agoI know an accounting joke: An engineer and an accountant are on a train when they pass between two fields of sheep. "Boy, there are a lot of sheep in those fields." says the engineer. "There are 1,005" says the accountant. "How do you know?" "Well, there are about 1,000 in that field, and there are 5 in the other one."
- gjm11 13y agoThe thing about this joke is that the accountant is (kinda) right. Suppose they pass one field with about 1000 sheep and lots and lots of fields with ~5 sheep. Someone who thinks "about 1000" + 5 = "about 1000" is going to get a very wrong answer, and someone who thinks "about 1000" + 5 = "about 1005" is going to do much better. This is also why, when combining floating-point values of different widths, it is better to say single + double -> double than single + double -> single, and why the concept of "significant figures" as commonly taught in schools is dangerous.
- NAFV_P 13y agoAn accountant has her purse stolen. The first thing she does is make a debit entry in the appropriate account in the thieves' ledger.
- ctdonath 13y agoAt a friend's wedding, I delivered the toast which was a long list of "To X!" items, where X was something special to/for/about the couple. This worked spectacularly well. Including the dead silence & puzzled looks, and seething consternation from the groom, at "To RTFM!" halfway thru.
- cema 13y agoOh btw, did you have a toast "to X" too, or just "to ${X}"?
- Flow 13y agoSticker on car: "My other car is a cdr".
- qbrass 13y agoHe cdr got a cadr. A cadr is a real car.
- deleted 13y ago[deleted]
- mck- 13y agoHow long does it take for a dyslexic programmer to get this joke? Logn time
- quarterto 13y agoWhy don't communists make good Java programmers? The class system has dissolved and the state controls everything.
- wpietri 13y agoOh god! From the enterprise code I've seen, American large companies must be hotbeds of communism! And now that I think about it, enterprise systems may be fully realized soviet states. There are long queues for often meager returns, there are a large number of factories that produce mysterious junk, security policies are both incomprehensible and harsh, and to get anything done, you have to know somebody.
- nhaehnle 13y agoThis is pretty accurate, actually, and has been studied by economists, for whom this was a huge problem: If the free market is supposed to be so great, then why are firms not organized as markets internally? In fact, why do they exist in the first place? In a sense, the existence of firms is evidence that a free market is not the best organizing principle for everything. You may want to start here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_the_firm http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_the_firm
- wpietri 13y agoMy personal theory is that this is mainly about the primate dominance dynamic. Markets really do work better, but too many people would rather be the alpha monkey to care about little things like organizational effectiveness. Of course, to bring this back on topic, as a software guy I'm inclined to think it's a hardware problem.
- foocc 13y agoSince you're referring to the Wikipedia page, you are probably aware that there is a reasonable economic answer related to transaction costs and asymmetric information: "Instead, for Coase the main reason to establish a firm is to avoid some of the transaction costs of using the price mechanism. These include discovering relevant prices (which can be reduced but not eliminated by purchasing this information through specialists), as well as the costs of negotiating and writing enforceable contracts for each transaction (which can be large if there is uncertainty). Moreover, contracts in an uncertain world will necessarily be incomplete and have to be frequently re-negotiated. The costs of haggling about division of surplus, particularly if there is asymmetric information and asset specificity, may be considerable."
- tjr 13y agoSome programmers prefer to intermingle functional code with imperative code, while others do not: they believe in the separation of Church and state.
- Killah911 13y agoEvery little bit counts
- eXpl0it3r 13y agoThis looks familiar... :D
- fjcaetano 13y agoAn architect, an engineer and a programmer are discussing God: Architect: Of course God was an architect! Look at the world! It's so beautiful and well composed! Engineer: Nah, you don't know what you're saying! God was an engineer! Look at the universe and all it contains! Programmer: Pfft... who do you think created chaos?
- phurley 13y agoAn mechanical engineer, physicist, and computer programmer are in a car driving down a steep mountain when the brakes fail. The careens around bends picking up speed until they finally reach the bottom and the car rolls to a stop. The engineer hops out of the car and begins inspecting the brakes for the source of the failure. The physicist grabs a pad of paper and starts calculating the maximum angular momentum and friction coefficients. The computer programmer looks at the car, then at the mountain and says, "let's push it up to the top and see if it happens again."
- wpietri 13y agoMy favorite was originally about the DEC minicomputer Field Services organization, known as "field circuses": Q: How can you recognize a field circus engineer with a flat tire? A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat. Q: How can you recognize a field circus engineer who is out of gas? A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat. Q: How can you tell it's *your* field circus engineer? A: The spare is flat, too. [1] That particular organization may be long gone, but you can definitely spot the behavior. E.g., when calling front-line tech support and being asked to reboot and reinstall things that clearly don't matter. [1] The Jargon File is full of little gems like this. http://zvon.org/comp/r/ref-Jargon_file.html#Terms~field_circus http://zvon.org/comp/r/ref-Jargon_file.html#Terms~field_circ...
- Malus 13y agoTwo regular expressions are sitting at a bar and having a drink. A big, context-sensitive string walks over and steals the drink from the first regex. The second says to the first "Are you going to let him bully you like that?" The first replies "Yeah, I'm no match for him."
- deleted 13y ago[deleted]
- elliottkember 13y agoWhy did the Java developer need glasses? Because he couldn't C#.
- BerislavLopac 13y agoWhy programmers keep confusing Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
- nealabq 13y agoAn http request walks into a bar and says "get me a beer". The barman sets down a beer with 200 napkins.
- dserban 13y agoAn electrical engineer from GE, a chemical engineer from DuPont and a Windows kernel developer from Microsoft are in a car, driving along a desert road. At some point the car malfunctions and comes to a stop. The following discussion ensues: GE guy: "It's because there are some crossed wires in the electrical system that regulates the engine." DuPont Guy: "Don't be ridiculous, this is clearly caused by a wrong mix of gasoline and oxygen going into the cylinders." MS guy: "Why don't we all get out of the car, close the doors, reopen the doors, get back into the car, and try again."
- mindcrime 13y agoThe variation I like is this: An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer from Microsoft are riding in a car, when they start down a steep hill. Halfway down the brakes go out and the car crashes into a tree at the bottom of the hill. Luckily, no one is hurt, so they get out and start analyzing what happened. Electrical engineer: Clearly a short-circuit in the ABS system caused the brakes to go out. Mechanical engineer: No, no, it was an over-pressure situation that caused a brake line to rupture. They both turn to the Microsoft guy and ask him for his opinion: Microsoft guy: I don't know, but let's push the car back to the top of the hill and try it again.
- cema 13y agoStrange that the joke most popular with my friends has not been quoted yet. It's about the programmer who goes to bed and places two glasses by the bedside: one with water, in case he wants to drink at night, and the other empty, in case he does not.
- AnimalMuppet 13y ago#ifdef GetAHearingAid Stolen from the Bad C Pun Contest in the C/C++ User's Journal, in 1992. But I've never forgotten it.
- NAFV_P 13y agoAt the top of the page: When I teach introductory computer science courses, I like to lighten the mood with some humor. Having a sense of fun about the material makes it less frustrating and more memorable, and it's even motivating if the joke requires some technical understanding to 'get it'! When put in this context, I think the question has some value. Being honest, programming can be very dry at times. The most mirth inducing stuff I have read in relation to programming is when programmers complain about programming languages, I think SO had a question addressing this issue.
- thenerdfiles 13y agoTwo bits walk into a bar for a byte.
- thenerdfiles 13y agoTwo bytes walk into a bar for a bit.
- Pxtl 13y agoThis one I sing to my kids: "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on that farm he had an infinite recursion E-I-E-I-O With an Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on that farm he had an infinite recursion ..."
- rismay 13y agoan infinite loop
- redblacktree 13y agoI think he went with recursion so that it would eventually terminate, when he runs out of memory.
- Pxtl 13y agoit loops when you get to "With An", not that you get through the whole verse. That is, the cow says "Moo", the sheep says "baa", and the infinite recursion says "That is, the cow says "Moo", the sheep says "baa", and the infinite recursion says "That is, the cow says "Moo", the sheep says "baa", and the infinite recursion says "That is, the cow says "Moo", the sheep says "baa", and the infinite recursion says "That is, the cow says "Moo", the sheep says "baa", and the infinite recursion says StackOverflowException was unhandled An unhandled exception of type 'System.StackOverflowException' occurred in Pxtl.dll Make sure you do not have an infinite loop or infinite recursion.
- Vitaly 13y agoKnock, nock. Race condition. Who is there?
- elwell 13y agoPair-programming: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8qgehH3kEQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8qgehH3kEQ
- elwell 13y agoThere are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, Those who don't, And those who count from zero.