Maybe, instead of struggling against yourself, why not try to figure out what you really want. I don't mean what you believe you should want, based on your tale

Maybe, instead of struggling against yourself, why not try to figure out what you really want. I don't mean what you believe you should want, based on your talents, but what you actually want. Perhaps what you really desire, you think is wrong or out of reach, so you focus on things that you believe can be done, but eventually doesn't fullfill your soul. But above all, don't despair, because you're not alone in these quest, and it's not an easy one. Best wishes!