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I agree with everything that you're saying, but my concern is making these constant half-excuses and concluding it with "but yeah you do have to ask." The begi

I agree with everything that you're saying, but my concern is making these constant half-excuses and concluding it with "but yeah you do have to ask." The beginning and end of the story is that if you're unsure, you have to ask. It may be a little awkward, it may not get her riled up/keep the momentum, but these arguments can be used against MOST responsible decision-making processes. "I don't want to stop at this yellow light because I'm so in the moment!" "I should double-check what that person ordered so I don't cook the wrong thing." Awkward-fuck-up-the-moment things are generally good ideas. In the case of sexual interaction, the stakes are far, far, far too high to make half-excuses. I think that's also a huge misapplication of the "taking charge" fantasy which is, as you say, very common. Toeing the line between forced and forceful is something that requires trust. If you're uncertain about what you're doing, then you probably don't have the requisite trust built yet. Avoid it. I agree with your conclusion and your arguments, but I'm very very hesitant to make any arguments or caveats that may weaken the case of caution for those kind of on the fence on the topic.

mercer 13y ago
> I agree with your conclusion and your arguments, but I'm very very hesitant to make any arguments or caveats that may weaken the case of caution for those kind of on the fence on the topic. Excellent point. I did not mean my post as a bunch excuses, but I do see that even if I don't, others might, and that this might be reason enough to avoid nuance. What I forgot to mention though, is that everything I said pretty much exclusively applies to casual sex. Pointing out the complications in that scenario might prompt others to realize the risks involved (not even considering legal issues), and communicate more clearly. I think too many people, especially college-age, forget that sex didn't just magically become 'casual'. We're in a strange period in time where many sexual 'rules' are upended, and the resulting confusion should not be treated too 'casually'. Many conversations I've had with both men and women indicate that there are a lot of misconceptions, and that there can be a lot of pain involved.

mercer 13y ago

> I agree with your conclusion and your arguments, but I'm very very hesitant to make any arguments or caveats that may weaken the case of caution for those kind of on the fence on the topic. Excellent point. I did not mean my post as a bunch excuses, but I do see that even if I don't, others might, and that this might be reason enough to avoid nuance. What I forgot to mention though, is that everything I said pretty much exclusively applies to casual sex. Pointing out the complications in that scenario might prompt others to realize the risks involved (not even considering legal issues), and communicate more clearly. I think too many people, especially college-age, forget that sex didn't just magically become 'casual'. We're in a strange period in time where many sexual 'rules' are upended, and the resulting confusion should not be treated too 'casually'. Many conversations I've had with both men and women indicate that there are a lot of misconceptions, and that there can be a lot of pain involved.