I see no reason why I should support a materialist bacchanalia of blood red and evergreen worshiping a pagan monstrosity trafficking in impish minions to tempt

I see no reason why I should support a materialist bacchanalia of blood red and evergreen worshiping a pagan monstrosity trafficking in impish minions to tempt and subvert good Christian hearts from the simple truth of salvation and redemption. "Sparkle"? Clearly an underhanded subterfuge intended to surreptitiously convert honest Protestants into dirty Papists, holding a mass claiming to be for our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ, when it is really an annual call to summon the sparkling Devil himself: Edward Cullen.