3 ms·

Social Skydiving with a Code Monkey Day 15: Half Way There

10 points by darkxanthos 17y ago

stcredzero 17y ago
To sum it up, we all speak our own language and every person I talk to I try to treat as though I am trying to figure out how to translate my language into theirs. It's this realization that's the "line in the sand" for me. If the other person doesn't realize this, this indicates a certain paucity of imagination and lack of curiosity on their part. It is a prerequisite for many forms of intelligent conversation -- namely the forms of intelligent conversation I am the least conversant in. In other words, it's how I can access what is most deserving of my curiosity.
ErrantX 17y ago
I feel really strongly for this guy - clearly he has an awkward social problem (many people do to different degrees). But I cant help feeling this is completely the wrong way to focus on improving things :( random social interactions is very infrequent to everyone. The kind of conversations he has forced in the last 15 days are very artifical. THe people he is talking too probably share all of the awkwardness he is feeling - which he then attributes to himself. Humans dont interact like that - we build connections through familiarity etc. Where are the real friendships? That is what he needs to look at - they will be MUCH more beneficial IMO.
- darkxanthos 17y ago
  Thanks for your comment... You have a very good point that I'd like to make sure gets addressed. I'm gonna mark this comment so I can circle back around to it by the end of my 30 days. Just so I can understand the context, are you coming from a similar POV as me or have you been fairly social most of your life? This isn't an attempt to invalidate your comment in any way but just so I can get a feel for what your perspective is based on.
  - ErrantX 17y ago
    Yes from a similar perspective, sort of. I had few friends at school and when I was dropped into university it was like shell shock! Nothing to talk about. I was lucky enough to make a couple of good mates and later made a really good friend on my course (at first I was really rude to him - he was being friendly and I had no idea how to respond). Beyond that group of 8 or so people I struggle to interact socially (or used to). I get the thinking behind this exercise is great: Im just worried your setting a lot by it. I've spent time studying social interaction becuase i find it interesting. Take talking to people on buses - your unlikely to make headway of any sort all the time because people just dont respond to that. The social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that situation out of the blue they are either mad or bad! I mentioned familiartiy before: generally people will accept nods, a shared joke or very very minor small talk in the situations your putting yourself in. If they see you in that context a few times in a row they will be happier to open up more because of familiarity (he talkjed to me before, the world didnt end, safe). I think your 30days thing will be of value as long as your take away is that people are very introvert people generally and your social difficulties are perhaps exacerbated but not unique (aka everyone feels a bit like that). I do feel the most important thing is to make longer term friendships. They will be a lot more beneficial (in my experience) EDIT: where do you live? Im guessing the US which is the shame otherwise I would happily pop by and say hi in person (meeting someone I had "broken ice" with online really helped me once). EDIT: to add a bit more - you've done amazingly well to get this far in. congrats! The secret is, Im guessing, that most "normal" (as in socially comfortable) wouldnt have made it this far.
    - darkxanthos 17y ago
      I do live in the U.S. actually... If you're ever in Seattle gimme a holla! :) As far as everything else goes, I think we're on the same page. When I do things, I'm either all in or all out. For right now I'm treating it as a religion but that's up for reevaluation at the end of the experiment. Not a moment before however!
    - raffi 17y ago
      "The social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that situation out of the blue they are either mad or bad!" This is what some would call "a limiting belief" and I used to feel this way. Every interaction is between the two people in it and it is a mix of what both people bring to it. There is a lot of communication happening with body language and tonality. I find when I feel clear, confident, and good--others feel this in my presence. By bringing this energy into the interaction (even in a normally non-social situation), comfort/safety is easy to establish, and going further isn't difficult. Here is another way of thinking about new meetings: "I'm a great person, who wouldn't want to know me?" now when you're meeting people instead of fearing that they'll think you're "mad" or "bad" you can think "I'm doing this person a favor by meeting them". And if you really are a great person then this statement is absolutely true. Here is why I care enough to write a long comment--when I was doing what the OP is doing, I felt awkward about it and felt like it was a secret, primarily because I was tired of hearing things like what you're saying. I'm glad I managed to avoid these kinds of messages and just push forward.
- raffi 17y ago
  Talking to strangers and making it work is a GREAT social confidence builder. Doing it enough is a good way to learn what works and doesn't as well. I didn't read much of the original post but what he's doing is a GOOD thing. As for the awkwardness, once he gets over that the other person will feel more at ease as well. Once he is at this point working the room at a conference, interacting with people he met through friends, etc. will be much easier. Being social is a learnable skill, not something a few lucky ones are born with.
wallflower 17y ago
Congratulations. Most people wouldn't make it to day 1. And I mean that. Your 30-day quest has sucked me in with your honesty and commitment...in process of reading from day 1...might take some time. I really like your statement of how you are comfortable with introversion yet you would like to "add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not" > Do I think introverted is equivalent to being defective? God no. Knowing how to be an introvert brings with it a unique set of skills. Being able to be alone for extended periods and not needing external approval as much as the next person can be extremely freeing. However, not being sure how to relate to and talk with people can also be proportionately debilitating. So my ambition here is really formed of the desire to have more skills and add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not.

10 points by darkxanthos 17y ago

To sum it up, we all speak our own language and every person I talk to I try to treat as though I am trying to figure out how to translate my language into theirs. It's this realization that's the "line in the sand" for me. If the other person doesn't realize this, this indicates a certain paucity of imagination and lack of curiosity on their part. It is a prerequisite for many forms of intelligent conversation -- namely the forms of intelligent conversation I am the least conversant in. In other words, it's how I can access what is most deserving of my curiosity.

ErrantX 17y ago

I feel really strongly for this guy - clearly he has an awkward social problem (many people do to different degrees). But I cant help feeling this is completely the wrong way to focus on improving things :( random social interactions is very infrequent to everyone. The kind of conversations he has forced in the last 15 days are very artifical. THe people he is talking too probably share all of the awkwardness he is feeling - which he then attributes to himself. Humans dont interact like that - we build connections through familiarity etc. Where are the real friendships? That is what he needs to look at - they will be MUCH more beneficial IMO.

darkxanthos 17y ago
Thanks for your comment... You have a very good point that I'd like to make sure gets addressed. I'm gonna mark this comment so I can circle back around to it by the end of my 30 days. Just so I can understand the context, are you coming from a similar POV as me or have you been fairly social most of your life? This isn't an attempt to invalidate your comment in any way but just so I can get a feel for what your perspective is based on.
- ErrantX 17y ago
  Yes from a similar perspective, sort of. I had few friends at school and when I was dropped into university it was like shell shock! Nothing to talk about. I was lucky enough to make a couple of good mates and later made a really good friend on my course (at first I was really rude to him - he was being friendly and I had no idea how to respond). Beyond that group of 8 or so people I struggle to interact socially (or used to). I get the thinking behind this exercise is great: Im just worried your setting a lot by it. I've spent time studying social interaction becuase i find it interesting. Take talking to people on buses - your unlikely to make headway of any sort all the time because people just dont respond to that. The social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that situation out of the blue they are either mad or bad! I mentioned familiartiy before: generally people will accept nods, a shared joke or very very minor small talk in the situations your putting yourself in. If they see you in that context a few times in a row they will be happier to open up more because of familiarity (he talkjed to me before, the world didnt end, safe). I think your 30days thing will be of value as long as your take away is that people are very introvert people generally and your social difficulties are perhaps exacerbated but not unique (aka everyone feels a bit like that). I do feel the most important thing is to make longer term friendships. They will be a lot more beneficial (in my experience) EDIT: where do you live? Im guessing the US which is the shame otherwise I would happily pop by and say hi in person (meeting someone I had "broken ice" with online really helped me once). EDIT: to add a bit more - you've done amazingly well to get this far in. congrats! The secret is, Im guessing, that most "normal" (as in socially comfortable) wouldnt have made it this far.
  - darkxanthos 17y ago
    I do live in the U.S. actually... If you're ever in Seattle gimme a holla! :) As far as everything else goes, I think we're on the same page. When I do things, I'm either all in or all out. For right now I'm treating it as a religion but that's up for reevaluation at the end of the experiment. Not a moment before however!
  - raffi 17y ago
    "The social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that situation out of the blue they are either mad or bad!" This is what some would call "a limiting belief" and I used to feel this way. Every interaction is between the two people in it and it is a mix of what both people bring to it. There is a lot of communication happening with body language and tonality. I find when I feel clear, confident, and good--others feel this in my presence. By bringing this energy into the interaction (even in a normally non-social situation), comfort/safety is easy to establish, and going further isn't difficult. Here is another way of thinking about new meetings: "I'm a great person, who wouldn't want to know me?" now when you're meeting people instead of fearing that they'll think you're "mad" or "bad" you can think "I'm doing this person a favor by meeting them". And if you really are a great person then this statement is absolutely true. Here is why I care enough to write a long comment--when I was doing what the OP is doing, I felt awkward about it and felt like it was a secret, primarily because I was tired of hearing things like what you're saying. I'm glad I managed to avoid these kinds of messages and just push forward.
raffi 17y ago
Talking to strangers and making it work is a GREAT social confidence builder. Doing it enough is a good way to learn what works and doesn't as well. I didn't read much of the original post but what he's doing is a GOOD thing. As for the awkwardness, once he gets over that the other person will feel more at ease as well. Once he is at this point working the room at a conference, interacting with people he met through friends, etc. will be much easier. Being social is a learnable skill, not something a few lucky ones are born with.

wallflower 17y ago

Congratulations. Most people wouldn't make it to day 1. And I mean that. Your 30-day quest has sucked me in with your honesty and commitment...in process of reading from day 1...might take some time. I really like your statement of how you are comfortable with introversion yet you would like to "add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not" > Do I think introverted is equivalent to being defective? God no. Knowing how to be an introvert brings with it a unique set of skills. Being able to be alone for extended periods and not needing external approval as much as the next person can be extremely freeing. However, not being sure how to relate to and talk with people can also be proportionately debilitating. So my ambition here is really formed of the desire to have more skills and add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not.