5 ms·

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going ou

by sown 13y ago

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me seriously, that I have to completely change everything about me and who I am so before long I'm not the same person in the slightest; I have to pretend to be someone else. I know I'm not the best person I can be but how much harder and longer do I have to fight to make it? I hate the weekends and look forward to Mondays because I can go out and meet co-workers. Friday afternoons I fill with a heavy dread. It sounds ridiculous to talk about it out loud because it makes me sound so...high-school. I feel like a loser talking about it, now, just like how I felt like a loser in elementary through high school, and grad school. It feels dumb now. I'm an older man, now. I think most days people won't notice I'm gone until the bugs don't get fixed and a few years later they find me in my condo after I hung myself in the closet.

benmathes 13y ago
I hope all the upvotes you're receiving is evidence that we _do_ care. Perhaps get into some multiplayer online games? They really helped me when I was feeling lonely -- especially if you start to play with a regular crowd and start to use voicecomm. It's fun, social, but not too social.
ams6110 13y ago
Try doing volunteer work on the weekends for some cause you care about. One it will get you out of the house and two you will meet people who may be like-minded but are different enough from your co-workers as to be more interesting. I'd recommend also trying church. Not trying to push religion, but it's a way to get involved with a group of people who often organize social or community activities.
- sejje 13y ago
  Serious question: do you (or anyone else) think it's immoral to go to church as an atheist just to meet people? I get along really well with church people, but I simultaneously hate talking about religion.
  - AlexMax 13y ago
    Have you considered going to a Universalist Unitarian church?
  - sliverstorm 13y ago
    Nah, I don't think it's immoral. I figure it's kind of like advertising; it's not dishonest of me to view an ad without intent to buy. The advertiser knows I probably won't, but I might- so they are satisfied simply having my eyeballs. Similarly, the church wants your ear. Give them your ear. If you aren't converted, that's fine, they had their chance, they had your ear, both parties get what they want. And, maybe, in that spirit of exchange, throw a few dollars in the collection bowl. You enjoyed their HVAC for a few hours, and maybe even ate a little of their food.
  - Jtsummers 13y ago
    If you don't want to go to church, many church communities have activities outside the services proper and often away from the church that you can become involved in. Those might be easier to participate in. For instance, in the area I'm in, the local Roman Catholic community has a young adult group. They do the bible study things, but also pure social activities and service activities. Joining that group led to joining a soccer team which greatly expanded my social circle in the area outside of coworkers (all much older than me at that job, 20+ years) and a small group of RPG buddies. Who I mostly didn't interact with outside the Saturday game, again mostly the age difference. Two were 5-10 years younger, the rest were 10-20 years older.
  - Danieru 13y ago
    Most churches would (or should) welcome a non-believer! Going to church in your situation would not be sneaky or deceitful. Even if you are very very very sure that the service is not going to make you into a Christian, that does not matter since the church will be pretty sure of the opposite. Plus you're not taking anything away from anyone, there is no reason to feel guilty. As shorthand advice: try to find a mission church in your area. A mission church expects newcomers from the area and should be welcoming. If on the off chance the church you attend feels unwelcoming for any reason you should try a different church. All churches are run by sinful humans and sometimes that works out better than others, sometimes not.
bliti 13y ago
You can always shoot me an email (profile). I'm always up for talking about nerdy stuff. Currently writing code for a robot as a I type this message.
- jamesknelson 13y ago
  This may sound kinda stupid, but when people ask you to send them an e-mail in a social setting, what are you expected to actually send? I've had a few times when there are people I've met who use the "send me an e-mail" line, but I never find something worth actually sending an e-mail about, and thus never get around to it.
  - mgkimsal 13y ago
    i write "hello - we met @ <wherever> - my contact info is ______ - let's grab a coffee when you're free" i add more if there was something more specific/interesting that we chatted about.
  - bliti 13y ago
    Hi, Just dropping by to say hello. How are things going? Regards, $yourName
rjbond3rd 13y ago
Please do just one thing: make an appointment with a therapist to see if you have depression.
- githulhu 13y ago
  At the risk of sounding negative, I've found that this is probably a waste of time, because most therapists are utter garbage... And, it's really no surprise, really, if you look at the average salary for therapists. I imagine that most of the ones who could actually help you are running high-priced practices treating Arab princes and basketball players...naturally they are not going to be found in the provider directory for your insurance...if you even have insurance... (US perspective here)
  - Jtsummers 13y ago
    At the risk of sounding positive, I've found therapy to not be a waste of time, despite therapists being generally mediocre. As long as they're not an asshole, having someone listen to you and prompt you with questions is incredibly therapeutic. It also helps immensely that you can be confident about your privacy. Just getting it out sometimes is what you need. None of the therapists I dealt with when going through anxiety/depression issues really grokked what was going on in my head (my impression, but perhaps, like a parent, they really did know all along). However, a few 45 minute sessions of speaking and prompting got things off my chest, and my mind redirected on far more positive things than "I'm not good enough", "I'm going to die alone", "No one would miss me if I didn't wake up tomorrow" and other delightful thoughts.
    - Amadou 13y ago
      As long as they're not an asshole, having someone listen to you and prompt you with questions is incredibly therapeutic. That makes therapy sound like renting a friend. I don't mean that in a snarky way at all, maybe that's even a good definition in some cases.
    - _sputnik_ 13y ago
      I agree. I used to go to a therapists for depression and it helped a lot just talk but it was also like having a coach that gave you social exercises (starting small). I have a lot of friends but I feel like I can open up more to my therapists.
taigeair 13y ago
I'm not sure if this will help but two of my friends have found their significant others through this site. http://www.interpals.net/ http://www.interpals.net/ Didn't work for me for some reason but it might work for you. I did have a penpal for a while (someone I met in person but then moved away) which was awesome when I was travelling a lot.
ne0codex 13y ago
Reminds me of this video: http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado about loneliness (and how technology has influenced this)
was_hellbanned 13y ago
> Not really had friends and not great at making them. Making friends is about a combination of exposure (meeting people) and sharing something (a hobby, where you grew up, etc.). Part of the process is that YOU have to be genuinely interested in THEM, and vice-versa. Many people think that you have to be more interesting, but that's not exactly the case. You have to be more interested. And what's the best way to become more interested? Pursue new and different things! I'm going to sound like a broken record on this, but go travel. You'll meet more people in one week of staying in hostels in Thailand than you'll meet in your normal life in a year! Go hiking and backpacking (I've made many friends by getting involved in those). Take up rock climbing (extremely social) and yoga instead of lifting weights (I love the iron, too, but it's not social). As others have said, do some volunteer work. Take cooking classes. Learn to have a passion for cooking and for foods. Check meetup.com for dining groups in your area, where you can share your new passion for food. Get out of your bubble. Note, I'm not saying to get out of your comfort zone. I think that's pushed too much by vapid people in order to subtly put themselves above others. However, by exploring new and different things, you will find that your comfort zone grows tremendously. By the way, I've never really liked Fridays because I always feel too tired for activities that "normal" people seem to push (i.e. going out to bars with coworkers). You're not alone.
- hrjet 13y ago
  +1 for travel. I took to travel a couple of years back and it worked wonders. So much in fact that I had to cut back on travel and all the friends that I had accumulated. It started taking too much of time (though I enjoyed it).
csomar 13y ago
It's about if you accept it or not. I work at home and don't have friends. Been in this situation for 2+ years and I'm really fine. Just try to find alternative stuff to do. For example, hitting the gym not for gym sake but to reach a fitness level. Just set some simple life goals and concentrate on them.
emp_zealoth 13y ago
I feel exactly like you - I'm a little bit deaf so any social gathering is an enormous strain to me (75% of my brain power is directed at just deciphering words) I also have awful, prolonged headaches that make me talk really slow - I've been lonely for most of my life, I still feel that way. But it changed when i met a girl at my uni - i ignored her at the time (I thought i could do it all alone!). I only started talking with her after i got thrown out of the uni (mostly over Facebook). I had no idea, i still don't, why she is so kind to me. I fell for her. And that's what made me come out of my shell - she actively tried to help me, but it was my will to do it that actually mattered. I changed and it somehow felt like I was dying, at least some part of me, and I still feel lost and confused - sometimes it is like a completely alien person took my place. But I don't pretend to be something i am not. I just have to come to terms with "new me", possibly still improve. The point (sorry for confusing logic - writing on a phone): 1. Friends kind of happen (I mean true friend, those who you can trust and open to) - of course it takes a lot of work, often pain and anguish too - it isn't always that everything goes smoothly. But you can't just force friendship. My personal experience is that it is easiest to make friends at some kind of a trip - skiing, sailing, camping or rafting or whatever that takes it's participants out of the comfort zone - it weds out douchebags that are all mouth and no action and often brings out true character from others and that makes it easy to grow close to somebody 2. There is always hope. You can find your own Angel in the most ridiculous of circumstances 3. Maybe the changes are positive? (please don't take it as an affront) You have to think it over - "what can I change that drives others away, make them treat me seriously?"
- AznHisoka 13y ago
  "You can find your own Angel in the most ridiculous of circumstances" I think it's dangerous to find salvation on 1 single person. Life is not black and white, and there's no "angels" in this world.
  - cJ0th 13y ago
    That's right. But then again, there are certain people out there who can change people in a positive way. Additionally, I think it is important to actively seek people that could positively affect you. The case above sounds more like a lucky incident. Luck can happen but don't bank on it!
thirdsun 13y ago
Have you ever thought about joining local sports clubs? Preferably team sports as it's a great environment to meet people regularly and share a common interest, practice, participate in competitive activities against other teams. Well, I probably don't have to explain sports to you. And even if you aren't a sports guy, depending on where you live you might be able to find a group of people interested in the most obscure activities. The point I'm making is just that it is a lot easier to make friends if you start by sharing interests and just regarding friendships as a natural byproduct instead of the primary goal.
- voltagex_ 13y ago
  Because this is the HN crowd, I would also suggest local Hackerspaces, trivia nights, poetry slams and even a Society for Creative Anachronism. On the more extroverted side, there's always Toastmasters and debate clubs.
specialist 13y ago
Late response, sorry. Fake it until you make it. For me, the transformation took about 3 years. How you talk changes how you think. Out of ideas, I decided to I'd stop being angry by pretending to be happy. It started out sarcastically. How are you? Oh, I'm FANTASTIC, thank you for asking. People responded positively, which is a nice reinforcement. Fortunately, my sarcasm is too subtle for most people to key on. I wasn't even aware that it was working. Then one day I woke and said "Wow, I'm FANTASTIC!" I had to do a double take. It was true. When did that happen? I have no idea when I crossed the tipping point from angry to happy. Now being happy isn't always true. Just mostly true. And it helps. So I encourage you to pretend to be whoever you want to be, until it becomes (more) true. Happy Hunting.

by sown 13y ago

benmathes 13y ago

I hope all the upvotes you're receiving is evidence that we _do_ care. Perhaps get into some multiplayer online games? They really helped me when I was feeling lonely -- especially if you start to play with a regular crowd and start to use voicecomm. It's fun, social, but not too social.

ams6110 13y ago

Try doing volunteer work on the weekends for some cause you care about. One it will get you out of the house and two you will meet people who may be like-minded but are different enough from your co-workers as to be more interesting. I'd recommend also trying church. Not trying to push religion, but it's a way to get involved with a group of people who often organize social or community activities.

sejje 13y ago
Serious question: do you (or anyone else) think it's immoral to go to church as an atheist just to meet people? I get along really well with church people, but I simultaneously hate talking about religion.
- AlexMax 13y ago
  Have you considered going to a Universalist Unitarian church?
- sliverstorm 13y ago
  Nah, I don't think it's immoral. I figure it's kind of like advertising; it's not dishonest of me to view an ad without intent to buy. The advertiser knows I probably won't, but I might- so they are satisfied simply having my eyeballs. Similarly, the church wants your ear. Give them your ear. If you aren't converted, that's fine, they had their chance, they had your ear, both parties get what they want. And, maybe, in that spirit of exchange, throw a few dollars in the collection bowl. You enjoyed their HVAC for a few hours, and maybe even ate a little of their food.
- Jtsummers 13y ago
  If you don't want to go to church, many church communities have activities outside the services proper and often away from the church that you can become involved in. Those might be easier to participate in. For instance, in the area I'm in, the local Roman Catholic community has a young adult group. They do the bible study things, but also pure social activities and service activities. Joining that group led to joining a soccer team which greatly expanded my social circle in the area outside of coworkers (all much older than me at that job, 20+ years) and a small group of RPG buddies. Who I mostly didn't interact with outside the Saturday game, again mostly the age difference. Two were 5-10 years younger, the rest were 10-20 years older.
- Danieru 13y ago
  Most churches would (or should) welcome a non-believer! Going to church in your situation would not be sneaky or deceitful. Even if you are very very very sure that the service is not going to make you into a Christian, that does not matter since the church will be pretty sure of the opposite. Plus you're not taking anything away from anyone, there is no reason to feel guilty. As shorthand advice: try to find a mission church in your area. A mission church expects newcomers from the area and should be welcoming. If on the off chance the church you attend feels unwelcoming for any reason you should try a different church. All churches are run by sinful humans and sometimes that works out better than others, sometimes not.

bliti 13y ago

You can always shoot me an email (profile). I'm always up for talking about nerdy stuff. Currently writing code for a robot as a I type this message.

jamesknelson 13y ago
This may sound kinda stupid, but when people ask you to send them an e-mail in a social setting, what are you expected to actually send? I've had a few times when there are people I've met who use the "send me an e-mail" line, but I never find something worth actually sending an e-mail about, and thus never get around to it.
- mgkimsal 13y ago
  i write "hello - we met @ <wherever> - my contact info is ______ - let's grab a coffee when you're free" i add more if there was something more specific/interesting that we chatted about.
- bliti 13y ago
  Hi, Just dropping by to say hello. How are things going? Regards, $yourName

rjbond3rd 13y ago

Please do just one thing: make an appointment with a therapist to see if you have depression.

githulhu 13y ago
At the risk of sounding negative, I've found that this is probably a waste of time, because most therapists are utter garbage... And, it's really no surprise, really, if you look at the average salary for therapists. I imagine that most of the ones who could actually help you are running high-priced practices treating Arab princes and basketball players...naturally they are not going to be found in the provider directory for your insurance...if you even have insurance... (US perspective here)
- Jtsummers 13y ago
  At the risk of sounding positive, I've found therapy to not be a waste of time, despite therapists being generally mediocre. As long as they're not an asshole, having someone listen to you and prompt you with questions is incredibly therapeutic. It also helps immensely that you can be confident about your privacy. Just getting it out sometimes is what you need. None of the therapists I dealt with when going through anxiety/depression issues really grokked what was going on in my head (my impression, but perhaps, like a parent, they really did know all along). However, a few 45 minute sessions of speaking and prompting got things off my chest, and my mind redirected on far more positive things than "I'm not good enough", "I'm going to die alone", "No one would miss me if I didn't wake up tomorrow" and other delightful thoughts.
  - Amadou 13y ago
    As long as they're not an asshole, having someone listen to you and prompt you with questions is incredibly therapeutic. That makes therapy sound like renting a friend. I don't mean that in a snarky way at all, maybe that's even a good definition in some cases.
  - _sputnik_ 13y ago
    I agree. I used to go to a therapists for depression and it helped a lot just talk but it was also like having a coach that gave you social exercises (starting small). I have a lot of friends but I feel like I can open up more to my therapists.

taigeair 13y ago

I'm not sure if this will help but two of my friends have found their significant others through this site. http://www.interpals.net/ http://www.interpals.net/ Didn't work for me for some reason but it might work for you. I did have a penpal for a while (someone I met in person but then moved away) which was awesome when I was travelling a lot.

ne0codex 13y ago

Reminds me of this video: http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado about loneliness (and how technology has influenced this)

was_hellbanned 13y ago

> Not really had friends and not great at making them. Making friends is about a combination of exposure (meeting people) and sharing something (a hobby, where you grew up, etc.). Part of the process is that YOU have to be genuinely interested in THEM, and vice-versa. Many people think that you have to be more interesting, but that's not exactly the case. You have to be more interested. And what's the best way to become more interested? Pursue new and different things! I'm going to sound like a broken record on this, but go travel. You'll meet more people in one week of staying in hostels in Thailand than you'll meet in your normal life in a year! Go hiking and backpacking (I've made many friends by getting involved in those). Take up rock climbing (extremely social) and yoga instead of lifting weights (I love the iron, too, but it's not social). As others have said, do some volunteer work. Take cooking classes. Learn to have a passion for cooking and for foods. Check meetup.com for dining groups in your area, where you can share your new passion for food. Get out of your bubble. Note, I'm not saying to get out of your comfort zone. I think that's pushed too much by vapid people in order to subtly put themselves above others. However, by exploring new and different things, you will find that your comfort zone grows tremendously. By the way, I've never really liked Fridays because I always feel too tired for activities that "normal" people seem to push (i.e. going out to bars with coworkers). You're not alone.

hrjet 13y ago
+1 for travel. I took to travel a couple of years back and it worked wonders. So much in fact that I had to cut back on travel and all the friends that I had accumulated. It started taking too much of time (though I enjoyed it).

csomar 13y ago

It's about if you accept it or not. I work at home and don't have friends. Been in this situation for 2+ years and I'm really fine. Just try to find alternative stuff to do. For example, hitting the gym not for gym sake but to reach a fitness level. Just set some simple life goals and concentrate on them.

emp_zealoth 13y ago

I feel exactly like you - I'm a little bit deaf so any social gathering is an enormous strain to me (75% of my brain power is directed at just deciphering words) I also have awful, prolonged headaches that make me talk really slow - I've been lonely for most of my life, I still feel that way. But it changed when i met a girl at my uni - i ignored her at the time (I thought i could do it all alone!). I only started talking with her after i got thrown out of the uni (mostly over Facebook). I had no idea, i still don't, why she is so kind to me. I fell for her. And that's what made me come out of my shell - she actively tried to help me, but it was my will to do it that actually mattered. I changed and it somehow felt like I was dying, at least some part of me, and I still feel lost and confused - sometimes it is like a completely alien person took my place. But I don't pretend to be something i am not. I just have to come to terms with "new me", possibly still improve. The point (sorry for confusing logic - writing on a phone): 1. Friends kind of happen (I mean true friend, those who you can trust and open to) - of course it takes a lot of work, often pain and anguish too - it isn't always that everything goes smoothly. But you can't just force friendship. My personal experience is that it is easiest to make friends at some kind of a trip - skiing, sailing, camping or rafting or whatever that takes it's participants out of the comfort zone - it weds out douchebags that are all mouth and no action and often brings out true character from others and that makes it easy to grow close to somebody 2. There is always hope. You can find your own Angel in the most ridiculous of circumstances 3. Maybe the changes are positive? (please don't take it as an affront) You have to think it over - "what can I change that drives others away, make them treat me seriously?"

AznHisoka 13y ago
"You can find your own Angel in the most ridiculous of circumstances" I think it's dangerous to find salvation on 1 single person. Life is not black and white, and there's no "angels" in this world.
- cJ0th 13y ago
  That's right. But then again, there are certain people out there who can change people in a positive way. Additionally, I think it is important to actively seek people that could positively affect you. The case above sounds more like a lucky incident. Luck can happen but don't bank on it!

thirdsun 13y ago

Have you ever thought about joining local sports clubs? Preferably team sports as it's a great environment to meet people regularly and share a common interest, practice, participate in competitive activities against other teams. Well, I probably don't have to explain sports to you. And even if you aren't a sports guy, depending on where you live you might be able to find a group of people interested in the most obscure activities. The point I'm making is just that it is a lot easier to make friends if you start by sharing interests and just regarding friendships as a natural byproduct instead of the primary goal.

voltagex_ 13y ago
Because this is the HN crowd, I would also suggest local Hackerspaces, trivia nights, poetry slams and even a Society for Creative Anachronism. On the more extroverted side, there's always Toastmasters and debate clubs.

specialist 13y ago

Late response, sorry. Fake it until you make it. For me, the transformation took about 3 years. How you talk changes how you think. Out of ideas, I decided to I'd stop being angry by pretending to be happy. It started out sarcastically. How are you? Oh, I'm FANTASTIC, thank you for asking. People responded positively, which is a nice reinforcement. Fortunately, my sarcasm is too subtle for most people to key on. I wasn't even aware that it was working. Then one day I woke and said "Wow, I'm FANTASTIC!" I had to do a double take. It was true. When did that happen? I have no idea when I crossed the tipping point from angry to happy. Now being happy isn't always true. Just mostly true. And it helps. So I encourage you to pretend to be whoever you want to be, until it becomes (more) true. Happy Hunting.