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This. Relationships take effort. Often, one will think "Why should I make the effort? Why should I make the move? The other person has not contacted me?" But it

by kghose 13y ago

This. Relationships take effort. Often, one will think "Why should I make the effort? Why should I make the move? The other person has not contacted me?" But it is better to make the move and contact other people. Because a friend has not contacted you for a while does not mean they don't want to keep contact. They may be feeling lonely and down or overwhelmed.

scotty79 13y ago
I'm mostly just feeling that other people have plans no matter how trivial and I don't want to interrupt them or force them to interact with me out of politness.
- saraid216 13y ago
  Other people absolutely have plans. They have them all the time. They have those plans because someone called them up and made those plans. Get used to hearing no. The only way to do that is to be told no a lot. The only way to be told no is to ask in the first place. It's not easy. It's still not easy for me. I go through long phases where I've given up and refuse to invite people to things or tell them about things I'm going to because I'm unwilling to deal with the feeling of frustration that comes with their being busy or having plans. And then I pick myself back up and ask them and sometimes they are busy or they do have plans. And that sucks. And I make another go at it and hey, they're free that evening! It can happen! And suddenly that evening turns into a great evening. So ask. Call them up and ask. Or text them. Or email them. They're slightly less likely to respond, but for different people, those media work better. Try to do the leg work for them: the less thinking they have to do, the easier it is to say yes.
  - scotty79 13y ago
    I'm not afraid of hearing no. I'd be relived to hear no. I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me or they think they should. Also most of my plans do not come from people calling me. I guess my reservation towards calling other people comes from not wanting to cause trouble to other people just like the ones they would have caused me if they called me. I have no objection to call my friends when I need information or a thing they probably won't mind lending me and would say they mind if they did. I probably need contact with people but I don't like it. It's like when you know you need to eat but you don't realy have the apetite.
    - saraid216 13y ago
      > I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me But that's the only reason they would say yes. Unless they're just using you as a source of information or as someone who can lend them a thing. Are you afraid that people like you? That they think they should like you? I feel that the right response here is to link you to Aristotle's conception of friendship: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia You seem to have nothing but friendships of utility. Your friends are people who can give you information or lend you things, and who trouble you when they call upon you for the pleasure of your company. That's the kind of friendship a lobbyist talks about having with the local senator.
thirdtruck 13y ago
So true. I have three emails in my inbox right now, all from people that I haven't heard from in weeks or months, but only there because I made a point of following up for the sake of following up. Now we're back in touch and chatting again! If I could figure out how to "scale" this correctly for my romantic relationships (and I emphasize the "balance" part), I'd be set.

by kghose 13y ago

scotty79 13y ago

I'm mostly just feeling that other people have plans no matter how trivial and I don't want to interrupt them or force them to interact with me out of politness.

saraid216 13y ago
Other people absolutely have plans. They have them all the time. They have those plans because someone called them up and made those plans. Get used to hearing no. The only way to do that is to be told no a lot. The only way to be told no is to ask in the first place. It's not easy. It's still not easy for me. I go through long phases where I've given up and refuse to invite people to things or tell them about things I'm going to because I'm unwilling to deal with the feeling of frustration that comes with their being busy or having plans. And then I pick myself back up and ask them and sometimes they are busy or they do have plans. And that sucks. And I make another go at it and hey, they're free that evening! It can happen! And suddenly that evening turns into a great evening. So ask. Call them up and ask. Or text them. Or email them. They're slightly less likely to respond, but for different people, those media work better. Try to do the leg work for them: the less thinking they have to do, the easier it is to say yes.
- scotty79 13y ago
  I'm not afraid of hearing no. I'd be relived to hear no. I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me or they think they should. Also most of my plans do not come from people calling me. I guess my reservation towards calling other people comes from not wanting to cause trouble to other people just like the ones they would have caused me if they called me. I have no objection to call my friends when I need information or a thing they probably won't mind lending me and would say they mind if they did. I probably need contact with people but I don't like it. It's like when you know you need to eat but you don't realy have the apetite.
  - saraid216 13y ago
    > I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me But that's the only reason they would say yes. Unless they're just using you as a source of information or as someone who can lend them a thing. Are you afraid that people like you? That they think they should like you? I feel that the right response here is to link you to Aristotle's conception of friendship: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia You seem to have nothing but friendships of utility. Your friends are people who can give you information or lend you things, and who trouble you when they call upon you for the pleasure of your company. That's the kind of friendship a lobbyist talks about having with the local senator.

thirdtruck 13y ago

So true. I have three emails in my inbox right now, all from people that I haven't heard from in weeks or months, but only there because I made a point of following up for the sake of following up. Now we're back in touch and chatting again! If I could figure out how to "scale" this correctly for my romantic relationships (and I emphasize the "balance" part), I'd be set.