6 ms·

While I've made plenty of bad decisions myself, I think a large part of why I've always been extremely lonely and isolated is that I was raised with very little

by zigzig 13y ago

While I've made plenty of bad decisions myself, I think a large part of why I've always been extremely lonely and isolated is that I was raised with very little sense of family or community. Growing up an only child, my parents apparently never thought it was worth me meeting the 80% of my cousins that lived in the same country, but somewhat far away. My parents themselves had scant friends or associates (at least during my memory) and hardly ever anyone over to visit the house. That's why if I'm ever somehow in the position to have a child of my own, I won't be able to. I wouldn't trust my ability to raise anything but an ice cold stranger.

polymatter 13y ago
for what its worth, I think that since you know how bad it is, you know the true value in keeping in contact and thus will work for it more and be a better parent because of it. I have to spend conscious effort to maintain my network of friends and its hard for me because its not automatic and not something I was brought up to do. I inevitably drop the ball sometimes and forget someone and have to get back into contact and reestablish our friendship. Because I know what lonliness does to me and I don't want to ever be that way again. So if I am ever lucky enough to have my own child, I am certain I will do all I can to make sure they never feel the same. I will fight so no child of mine will ever have to bare the scars that I bare, and that resolve will make me a better parent.
- kghose 13y ago
  This. Relationships take effort. Often, one will think "Why should I make the effort? Why should I make the move? The other person has not contacted me?" But it is better to make the move and contact other people. Because a friend has not contacted you for a while does not mean they don't want to keep contact. They may be feeling lonely and down or overwhelmed.
  - scotty79 13y ago
    I'm mostly just feeling that other people have plans no matter how trivial and I don't want to interrupt them or force them to interact with me out of politness.
    - saraid216 13y ago
      Other people absolutely have plans. They have them all the time. They have those plans because someone called them up and made those plans. Get used to hearing no. The only way to do that is to be told no a lot. The only way to be told no is to ask in the first place. It's not easy. It's still not easy for me. I go through long phases where I've given up and refuse to invite people to things or tell them about things I'm going to because I'm unwilling to deal with the feeling of frustration that comes with their being busy or having plans. And then I pick myself back up and ask them and sometimes they are busy or they do have plans. And that sucks. And I make another go at it and hey, they're free that evening! It can happen! And suddenly that evening turns into a great evening. So ask. Call them up and ask. Or text them. Or email them. They're slightly less likely to respond, but for different people, those media work better. Try to do the leg work for them: the less thinking they have to do, the easier it is to say yes.
      - scotty79 13y ago
        I'm not afraid of hearing no. I'd be relived to hear no. I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me or they think they should. Also most of my plans do not come from people calling me. I guess my reservation towards calling other people comes from not wanting to cause trouble to other people just like the ones they would have caused me if they called me. I have no objection to call my friends when I need information or a thing they probably won't mind lending me and would say they mind if they did. I probably need contact with people but I don't like it. It's like when you know you need to eat but you don't realy have the apetite.
        saraid216 13y ago
        > I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me But that's the only reason they would say yes. Unless they're just using you as a source of information or as someone who can lend them a thing. Are you afraid that people like you? That they think they should like you? I feel that the right response here is to link you to Aristotle's conception of friendship: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia You seem to have nothing but friendships of utility. Your friends are people who can give you information or lend you things, and who trouble you when they call upon you for the pleasure of your company. That's the kind of friendship a lobbyist talks about having with the local senator.
  - thirdtruck 13y ago
    So true. I have three emails in my inbox right now, all from people that I haven't heard from in weeks or months, but only there because I made a point of following up for the sake of following up. Now we're back in touch and chatting again! If I could figure out how to "scale" this correctly for my romantic relationships (and I emphasize the "balance" part), I'd be set.
busterarm 13y ago
I spent most of my childhood on my own and I don't have a particularly close family. I've had friends and girlfriends that partially extended me into their families, but those ties never seem to last and it's always painful to let go. Being part of a close family is the only thing I really want in life, or have ever really wanted. It's also something that I can't seem to get. This brings me to tears often. I feel unbelievably isolated from other people and in a negative feedback loop that I can't get out of. I work from home and have few friends who I don't see very often. I haven't had a relationship in nearly a decade and don't even really know how to be affectionate with other people anymore. I don't hug people. I went on a group trip with some friends earlier this year and in all the pictures I'm standing slightly away from everyone. My self-image is in the toilet. Lonliness is killing me.
- lstamour 13y ago
  Try taking up community dance lessons. They're usually offered as municipal activities for free or very cheaply. If you're male, you'll never be without partners, as there are usually always more women to men, so some women may dance the mens part to even it out. And it worked for my dad, he went from not knowing dance, to volunteering there often, to dating and now a second marriage. As a somewhat lonely person myself, this showed me that in life, there are indeed second chances. And life is what you make of it. Try new things.
nl 13y ago
That's why if I'm ever somehow in the position to have a child of my own, I won't be able to. I wouldn't trust my ability to raise anything but an ice cold stranger. No fate but what we make. (Ok, it seems kinda stupid to quote Terminator, but there is some truth in there.)

by zigzig 13y ago

polymatter 13y ago

for what its worth, I think that since you know how bad it is, you know the true value in keeping in contact and thus will work for it more and be a better parent because of it. I have to spend conscious effort to maintain my network of friends and its hard for me because its not automatic and not something I was brought up to do. I inevitably drop the ball sometimes and forget someone and have to get back into contact and reestablish our friendship. Because I know what lonliness does to me and I don't want to ever be that way again. So if I am ever lucky enough to have my own child, I am certain I will do all I can to make sure they never feel the same. I will fight so no child of mine will ever have to bare the scars that I bare, and that resolve will make me a better parent.

kghose 13y ago
This. Relationships take effort. Often, one will think "Why should I make the effort? Why should I make the move? The other person has not contacted me?" But it is better to make the move and contact other people. Because a friend has not contacted you for a while does not mean they don't want to keep contact. They may be feeling lonely and down or overwhelmed.
- scotty79 13y ago
  I'm mostly just feeling that other people have plans no matter how trivial and I don't want to interrupt them or force them to interact with me out of politness.
  - saraid216 13y ago
    Other people absolutely have plans. They have them all the time. They have those plans because someone called them up and made those plans. Get used to hearing no. The only way to do that is to be told no a lot. The only way to be told no is to ask in the first place. It's not easy. It's still not easy for me. I go through long phases where I've given up and refuse to invite people to things or tell them about things I'm going to because I'm unwilling to deal with the feeling of frustration that comes with their being busy or having plans. And then I pick myself back up and ask them and sometimes they are busy or they do have plans. And that sucks. And I make another go at it and hey, they're free that evening! It can happen! And suddenly that evening turns into a great evening. So ask. Call them up and ask. Or text them. Or email them. They're slightly less likely to respond, but for different people, those media work better. Try to do the leg work for them: the less thinking they have to do, the easier it is to say yes.
    - scotty79 13y ago
      I'm not afraid of hearing no. I'd be relived to hear no. I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me or they think they should. Also most of my plans do not come from people calling me. I guess my reservation towards calling other people comes from not wanting to cause trouble to other people just like the ones they would have caused me if they called me. I have no objection to call my friends when I need information or a thing they probably won't mind lending me and would say they mind if they did. I probably need contact with people but I don't like it. It's like when you know you need to eat but you don't realy have the apetite.
      - saraid216 13y ago
        > I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me But that's the only reason they would say yes. Unless they're just using you as a source of information or as someone who can lend them a thing. Are you afraid that people like you? That they think they should like you? I feel that the right response here is to link you to Aristotle's conception of friendship: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia You seem to have nothing but friendships of utility. Your friends are people who can give you information or lend you things, and who trouble you when they call upon you for the pleasure of your company. That's the kind of friendship a lobbyist talks about having with the local senator.
- thirdtruck 13y ago
  So true. I have three emails in my inbox right now, all from people that I haven't heard from in weeks or months, but only there because I made a point of following up for the sake of following up. Now we're back in touch and chatting again! If I could figure out how to "scale" this correctly for my romantic relationships (and I emphasize the "balance" part), I'd be set.

busterarm 13y ago

I spent most of my childhood on my own and I don't have a particularly close family. I've had friends and girlfriends that partially extended me into their families, but those ties never seem to last and it's always painful to let go. Being part of a close family is the only thing I really want in life, or have ever really wanted. It's also something that I can't seem to get. This brings me to tears often. I feel unbelievably isolated from other people and in a negative feedback loop that I can't get out of. I work from home and have few friends who I don't see very often. I haven't had a relationship in nearly a decade and don't even really know how to be affectionate with other people anymore. I don't hug people. I went on a group trip with some friends earlier this year and in all the pictures I'm standing slightly away from everyone. My self-image is in the toilet. Lonliness is killing me.

lstamour 13y ago
Try taking up community dance lessons. They're usually offered as municipal activities for free or very cheaply. If you're male, you'll never be without partners, as there are usually always more women to men, so some women may dance the mens part to even it out. And it worked for my dad, he went from not knowing dance, to volunteering there often, to dating and now a second marriage. As a somewhat lonely person myself, this showed me that in life, there are indeed second chances. And life is what you make of it. Try new things.

nl 13y ago

That's why if I'm ever somehow in the position to have a child of my own, I won't be able to. I wouldn't trust my ability to raise anything but an ice cold stranger. No fate but what we make. (Ok, it seems kinda stupid to quote Terminator, but there is some truth in there.)